I've been in relationship for 3.5 years with a guy from my uni. I'm 23 and he is 26. He has just completed his graduation and he promised he will find a job after graduation but later he refused and said he wanted to study further. We have broken up last week on his birthday. He asked me to move on. My parents want me to get married and this guy doesn't do anything obviously. I have loved him with all my heart and soul but he abused me on little things and then he left me and came back after a month or two. Apologizing and everything. It happened more tan 11 times and this time I'm planning on moving on and never going back to him.

I did everything for this relationship even I was the one financing it and him, on dates and everything. I'd never asked him for anything. He didn't even wish me anniversary because I was crossed at something he did. So he didn't bother. On his birthday, when I asked him what does he want for a gift he said gimme cash. I was so pissed. I have always wanted to give him surprises but he has disappointed me many times and then he goes that my surprises are lame. I did every single thing what he wanted me to. I learnt cooking and driving for him. I did his home work, I've pleased him in bed, I've bought him things of his choice and more. Where did I lack? I only wanted him to stay mine!

I had stopped being physical with him since I found him very selfish. When I refused for the money on his birthday, he broke up. He has been asking me to leave for many days but I was holding on. Then I let it go. He wanted sexual, monetary and moral benefits from me. He forced me to leave my friends esp. male. And now I've lost people. I'm done with my masters and at home. When I text people they hardly talk to me! I've lost them!

What should I do? I am afraid of going back to him out of loneliness. Please help and advise ASAP.

You really have to think what you should do? I think you already know.

There are MANY better guys out there... find one of them. I have to ask WHY you wasted so much time on a user (and loser) and a taker.

What is the urgency?

Maybe you need to set your standards a little higher with the next one. This one was truly a loser so move on. Live and learn and move your life forward.


What is the urgency?

Maybe you need to set your standards a little higher with the next one. This one was truly a loser so move on. Live and learn and move your life forward.

You really have to think what you should do? I think you already know.

There are MANY better guys out there... find one of them. I have to ask WHY you wasted so much time on a user (and loser) and a taker.

I regret wasting so much time on him. 5 years of my life. 1.5 years being friends before getting into relation! How to get my friends back?


What is the urgency?

Maybe you need to set your standards a little higher with the next one. This one was truly a loser so move on. Live and learn and move your life forward.


What is the urgency?

Maybe you need to set your standards a little higher with the next one. This one was truly a loser so move on. Live and learn and move your life forward.

Just disappointed with the choice I made, I hope I choose someone better next time.

Why is this an issue?

Trust me when I say that, while comforting on some level, it is far worse to be in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone than being alone. Please re-read your post and imagine your best friend had came to you with that same situation. What would you say? Dump 'em! Good riddance! The best way to get over him is to get under his fri... um... Cancel that last one.

Regardless, let him go. Ignore the temper tantrum and the resulting pleadings to get back together. He won't change, we've seen this already. Concentrate on yourself and getting yourself in a place where you want to be. You've got your masters and the sky's the limit. Go out there and have fun. Without him.

How do you get your friends back? Just go and talk with them... the ones who really were friends will welcome you back... and the rest really weren't good friends to begin with.

I've made major relocations in my life 6 times... two of those were international moves. I had to build a new base of friends where I was located each time as the old friends were too distant. Its really easy once you done it a few times. You will be doing it again after college most likely. If you end up working nearby, it would actually be rather unusual.

How do you get your friends back? Just go and talk with them... the ones who really were friends will welcome you back... and the rest really weren't good friends to begin with.

I've made major relocations in my life 6 times... two of those were international moves. I had to build a new base of friends where I was located each time as the old friends were too distant. Its really easy once you done it a few times. You will be doing it again after college most likely. If you end up working nearby, it would actually be rather unusual.

Thanks, that was great help :)


Why is this an issue?

Trust me when I say that, while comforting on some level, it is far worse to be in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone than being alone. Please re-read your post and imagine your best friend had came to you with that same situation. What would you say? Dump 'em! Good riddance! The best way to get over him is to get under his fri... um... Cancel that last one.

Regardless, let him go. Ignore the temper tantrum and the resulting pleadings to get back together. He won't change, we've seen this already. Concentrate on yourself and getting yourself in a place where you want to be. You've got your masters and the sky's the limit. Go out there and have fun. Without him.

Im afraid he has some of my bold/nude pictures. He threatened me before that he will show those to my family if I don't get back to him, how to deal with it? I'm expecting this situation again.

He has bold/nude pics of you? Well call his bluff and all you can do is alert your family because eventually you will have to face the fallout and it might as well be now!

Get this over and done with and you will never have to worry about him again. He sounds like a really uncouth animal and, from the way your write, I would say you have a good head on your intelligent shoulders and got taken in by this crap guy.

You can do better...allow yourself to do so.

The pictures? Eh, he might or might not do it but whatever happens, is it worth torturing yourself and going back to him to be treated like that? Not really.

You sound like you have done everything for him and tried your best, now it's time to worry about yourself and do things for you. Don't think about 5 wasted years, you are young still and there is plenty of time. Don't think about being lonely, give yourself time to get over this and get a clear head then things will improve for you. You will find someone that will treat you right if you give yourself a chance.

Good luck.

Hopefully you have that threat recorded. If he does then go to the police. That could be considered a sex crime and he's already admitted to it. The unfortunate thing about having naughty pictures digitally is that you have to have a HUGE amount of faith that the receiver won't share them. There are many sites that are dedicated to hosting pictures of people's exes. They break up and then post the image. Sad commentary on modern society I know. Don't be afraid of going to the police and make sure he knows that. Try not to think of him using those for his own... *cough*cough* purposes.

this time I'm planning on moving on and never going back to him.

That's what you do and make better choices in the future. Don't let fear of what he can do stop you from following your own plan for a change without him. Sometimes you have to own your past mistakes to get beyond them, and do better in the future.

You have already fallen for a bunch of crap, time to stop.

I went to a store and intentionally ask for the perfume I gifted him and he wore it every time we got close or met. I am so shattered. I thought this would be a part of moving on. Very difficult period. I am heart broken. Nothing brings peace to me. I've given my all and my best. I've a very very strange feeling which cannot be explained. Everything feels meaningless. At times I feel I should kill him or myself. He is back with the pornstars pictures and all. Everything I asked him to stop, he is doing those all over again. I need peace! I cry and cry and then I take sleeping pills and sleep for long! I don't want to wake up

Hi Sarah, as craven said if you have those of his threatening recorded then its good, if not then you must do it when he threatens you next time, bcos it's that recording will help you in your dealing with him in future if he ever try to play with your picture and Blackmail you. See there was the time when you fell in love and then there was the time when the tensions began and there was the time when he showed his true color and you both broke up, and now you have cried enough and been upset enough, don't dwell in that as those times passed this also will pass and if you love yourself then you have to take responsibility of yourself and stop crying anymore for the one who don't even deserve it. I know its not easy, bcos you truly loved him. But understand he never loved you, as you yourself understood later that he just wanted moral and sexual benefits and he was selfish. So, if you came to know truth about him then its your responsibility to take care of yourselves, its not easy but also its possible. It happens with so may people around the world. They have to move on for their own life sake. But thank God that you came to now soon enough before even you got married with him. Just think! If you got married with him then afterwards he would have showed his true heart or color and then divorced you, then what would have happen with your heart and your life? Your life would have been shattered. But Now you got a chance to choose a correct person and right person for your life. Who loves you truly, who will love you for who you are not for his selfish desires and hidden agendas and will stay with you no matter what and want to grow old with you. Think about it. You have had thought enough about the sad side of it but now it's the time to think about Good side it. You got a new chance to correct your all mistakes and believe me, if you got the right person you will not even remember this guy! Lol. I hope you be good.

"It happened more tan 11 times". He is just using you. Tell him goodby, he will treat you like that even if married!

Thanks everyone.
ma0641 you're right. I just need to find someone better and move on. Is it okay to get into a rebound relationship? I think I need it.

No, you don't need a rebound relationship to replace this unhealthy one. You NEED the good orderly direction of a healthy healing process.

Chances are very high you will replace the old abusive fool, with a new abusive fool, and that makes no sense.

Do you really want to take a chance of hurting yourself AGAIN? Get your dignity and self respect back first.

Take it slow. Be thankful that it is over and move forward and don't look back. I have been there and done that, but guess what I got over it and you can too. Time is on your side.

Can anybody please tell me what exactly to do? I'm here sitting numb, feeling absolutely shattered and hopeless. I keep stalking him and my mind keeps thinking that he would have replaced Me, deleted my messages and stuff! Just getting sick of it. It drains out all of my energy,

Most of us have suffered from this grief in our lives. There are no easy answers. We KNOW the pain, the meaninglessness, and the wish to die. (PS: How about when you are 50 years old and it's your husband, and it's been a lot more than 5 years, and you get dumped in one single instant because a new younger woman came along?)

OK, WHAT TO DO:
First, go one by one to your old friends and apologize for being so dumb as to put one man in front of true friends, and ask if there is any way to get them back. You can't just drift back and say HI. You have to really be sorry.
Second, no rebound. You have a serious problem with giving too much - money, homework, everything. A healthy relationship is sharing equally, even if one of you gives one kind of thing and other other person another. A corollary to that is not expecting return! You do sound like you get easily hurt and angry and needy for attention, based on how much you give. That's a vicious cycle. You might even need therapy, if you can't see this. You GIVE too much and EXPECT too much, AND you have the very seriously misguided notion that he 'forced' you to give up friends. NO, you allowed him to influence you, and that is a world of difference.
Third, keep busy whether you want to or not. Ask people to drag you around with them in groups so that you can be depressed without feeling like you are ruining their fun. Ask them to NOT try to cheer you up or get you to participate much; just let you tag along.
Good luck. Been there.

Thanks joypulv for the advices. Is it not right to give someone my all and my best and EXPECT them to stay loyal and good? He mattered to me the most in my social circle. I did/gave everything he wanted and I didn't expect THINGS in return. I only wanted him to treat me like I want to be treated. Yea, I do get hurt and angry very easily and if affects my health overall. I'll act upon your advices. I just can't wait for that time to come when I see him and feel absolutely nothing.

Sarah, You deserve your own attention, time and love for yourself right now. Loving yourself in the situation when you need it is not selfish but its called taking care of yourself. So, may be you can start taking care of yourself, treat yourself, because you worth it. Think about it, commend yourself because there was no fault from your side, your love was true and he is unfortunate and that he wasn't able to get that and will never get it ever. The one who deserve your true love is the one who will love you truly. What I mean is don't hate him but don't give him any place in your heart where he matters. I suggest, go out give your love to anyone who needs it ( I am not talking about the intimacy love) for example, if you know someone who is hurting, going through some situation in life, you call them, offer any help, pray for them, listen to their heart, do random act of kindness. Help anyone whom you know is in need. Even if it takes a ''smile'' give it to someone who needs it today. Then you will see, your true love is worth more and its not for wasting on someone just like that. LOVE is very powerful, invest it in good place.
Peace be with you. :)

Thanks precious. I thought of doing the same but it requires energy. Im so drained emotionally and physically fatigued but somehow at some hour of the day I feel very energized and positive. I cry thinking of the memories spent together and some special moments which are memorable. Like he apologized a few times when it was not entirely his fault but my friends say that he did so because he wanted to keep and use me and that he can never find such a girlfriend. He might not want one like me, who knows! He left me anyway. I'm trying to move on. What drains me out is the feeling that he is doing just fine without me, does he not miss me? Am I the only one who suffers? No regrets? No apologies? Maybe if he had tried to come back and I had said NO, I would have had peace. I cannot make conversation with people right now. I go numb if I tr to tak about some topic. All I have on my mind is him and I don't know how to get rid of it. Maybe I'm being difficult with people, many friends told me why EXACTLY am I talking like a psycho? This threatens me. I don't know if I need a psychiatrist since I am filled with so much negativity right now.

Oy vey!

"I would have had peace." You can have peace now but you are choosing not to.

He misses your money, probably the physical gratification, and all the others things you provided in the name of love. But those things aren't love when it's done by manipulation.

"Am I the only one who suffers? No regrets? No apologies?" Who cares? Who cares?And who cares? You had a relationship where you gave almost 100% to and he didn't. You lost that relationship. Now it's time to move on. You don't control how anyone, including him, feels about anything. So let it go. You do control how you feel, how you think, and steps to moving your life forward. Sitting around and doing nothing is not the answer. Your mind will thank you if you go out and do something. So for a long walk. Get some exercise. Little by little you will be feeling better.

Does that mean manipulation was done on my part?

No, not from what you have said. Manipulation is getting something through a bad way, which from what you have said he did.

I wanted to add one more thing. Don't settle for someone bad for the sake of being in a relationship. Never settle for the pathetic.



Does that mean manipulation was done on my part?

Yea I had realized in the very beginning it was the wrong one but I tried to make it better by listening to him and giving him MORE love (that's what I think I was giving) I didn't know I was making it worse. I'll now be active and try to keep myself busy.

I understand Sarah! And I know very well its not easy to come out of it. But its not impossible, believe me I have been in the place where you are and I am sure there will be many who are posting in this thread who went through the same situation in their life. But you have to do it and if you just start the process that is the big thing and it will give you a confidence to keep doing it and drag yourself out of this situation and you will be free. Your friends are probably right, sometimes people apologies for their selfish reasons. But you are not psycho, if you feel sad, and you have some memories about past it doesn't mean you have some problem. You are fit and healthy. It is just the matter of time. If you stop wanting him in your life but decide to live and work through it, its going to be good. Everything changes. It is life, I know its not fair but it is the life. And life has so many people and situation and circumstance, where it gives us opportunity to learn and grow personally and socially, spiritually. So, take it as a lesson from life, learn what it taught you through that specific situation, person or circumstances. Your life is not going to be same, it will change, new people, new friends, new world as you yourself will grow in age. Don't keep yourself from growing. Have a goal and achievements set in your heart and start working towards it. In life difficulties will come, people will go and come, life will continuously change but it will never stop. Keep learning, difficulties in the life gives you an opportunity to learn new things, discover the strength and potential that's already present inside you. This is the beautiful life God has given you, use it in a better way, not for some person who lost such a beautiful person like you. Darling, You can do it. We are with you, love you and care for you, that's why we are taking time from our life and replying you. So, you are not alone, we can do this together. Time heals everything, if you will let him do it. Go, out and do what you like, if you love pets get one, flower, shopping, meeting new friends, go out and do it. Keep your mind and schedule busy, so that your mind doesn't have time to think about that person. You can do it.
Love.

Thanks precious. I've some plans for tmw, will execute them hopefully. I'll try to divert my mind and focus on more positive things. I love you all for your support too! Pouring it all out makes me feel so much better and motivation from all is the cherry on the top!

Thanks precious. I've some plans for tmw, will execute them hopefully. I'll try to divert my mind and focus on more positive things. I love you all for your support too! Pouring it all out makes me feel so much better and motivation from all is the cherry on the top!

You brought the smile on my face now. I am sure you can and will do it. Take care.

I went out twice today. University and then shopping with mother. I have high bp and high pulse rate. 145/102 and pulse is 113. I feel terrible going outside even. Doesn't help. What to dooooooooooooo? My head is going to explode. Hurts like hell

Would you say you were more Positive Paula or Negative Nancy. I am guessing you know which one I would pick based on your postings. There is such a thing as depressing your way into bad health.

Yes break ups suck. Yes they are a total change in your life. We have all been through them and we have all come out the other side OK.

You know several years ago I lost the job that I absolutely loved. I had so many friends and it was a huge part of my life. It was a very bad moment in time. Then I got another job and eventually met the partner of my dreams. We are still together after 4 years and will eventually get married. I truly believe that when a door closes in your face you need to kick the next door open. So get off the pity wagon and start kicking the next door open.


I went out twice today. University and then shopping with mother. I have high bp and high pulse rate. 145/102 and pulse is 113. I feel terrible going outside even. Doesn't help. What to dooooooooooooo? My head is going to explode. Hurts like hell

It's understandable you are so frustrated angry, and SCARED after the break up of a very bad relationship, probably your first, and most intense experience of the heart, of your life, and it will take quite some time to wrap your head around this very difficult, life changing event in your life. Many people don't even stay married for as long as you have dealt with this fellow, and abuse and failure have left you VERY hurt.

The same thing you did today, you must do it again, and again, until you regain your emotional balance, and can handle all those hurt feelings. Hang out with family, and friends, and plan activities you enjoy, and a close female friend who listens, and can help you vent would be a good idea. Maybe a dairy you can keep to write your feelings down, but share with no one can help also. The trick is to build a routine and get use to doing things with good people, on your own, as you heal, accept and regroup,and REBUILD a life that you enjoy, and put this whole thing behind you, which could take many days, weeks, months, and even years.

And stay out of relationships until you are really ready, and NOT just lonely. Takes time to get healthy again, so don't short change yourself. RELAX! I know easier said than done, but you will LEARN how. Just take your time, ONE DAY AT A TIME!!

It will get better!!

Positive Paula and negative Nancy? Do you mean to say I need to change my approach towards life and things? Do I sound like a pessimist?

You are right, but the transition period is so tough. I know I cannot get over it overnight but the spells almost destroy me and my capabilities

Positive Paula and negative Nancy? Do you mean to say I need to change my approach towards life and things? Do I sound like a pessimist?

You are right, but the transition period is so tough. I know I cannot get over it overnight but the spells almost destroy me and my capabilities

"Do you mean to say I need to change my approach towards life and things? Do I sound like a pessimist?" Oh heckies yes.

This is difficult yes I know, but I learned several years ago that you can't control what people say about you or think about you. You control what you think and how you feel. You control how you react to things. If you wake up daily and say "I am going to make this a great day" it will be a great day. Why give someone power over the way you feel.

"but the spells almost destroy me and my capabilities" - Because you are allowing it to. You probably don't understand that right now, but when you are able to look at this objectively you will.

If my partner and I were to break up for whatever reason, I would be sad and it definitely would be a life change. But I know it wouldn't break me because I am in control of that.


Positive Paula and negative Nancy? Do you mean to say I need to change my approach towards life and things? Do I sound like a pessimist?

You are right, but the transition period is so tough. I know I cannot get over it overnight but the spells almost destroy me and my capabilities

Positive Paula and negative Nancy? Do you mean to say I need to change my approach towards life and things? Do I sound like a pessimist?

You are right, but the transition period is so tough. I know I cannot get over it overnight but the spells almost destroy me and my capabilities

Talaniman.. Yes I understand that. I'm trying to get out of it as well. I know once the difficult period is over, I can lead to a way better life. Just unbelievable how everything I tried to build all these years is shattered. I cannot still accept the fact, let alone getting into a relationship with anyone. If rebound was suggested I would have tried like I am trying to go out and keep myself busy. But I realize a healthy mind can lead to a healthy relationship, no one is going to babysit me right now if I get into one for this purpose.

Okay, so maybe if I had changed my approach towards life and things before, I could have saved this relationship? Do you think it was worth it if we put everything aside and consider it was broken because of me acting like a pessimist? Every time we had a fight he asked me to leave in the last few ones. If he doesn't show up after promising just because he wanted to SLEEP and I was ready and waiting for him, I woke him up on phone. He said cancel it and slept. Is it not a good reason to nag about? Do you think my pessimism, refusal to get physical and giving cash caused this breakup?

WHAT? You missed my point completely. Yes I think you approach a lot of things negatively. First off why would you want to return to someone that was using you as long as he kept you around. Do you think going back is heading your life in a positive direction? Forget him and move your life forward.


Okay, so maybe if I had changed my approach towards life and things before, I could have saved this relationship? Do you think it was worth it if we put everything aside and consider it was broken because of me acting like a pessimist? Every time we had a fight he asked me to leave in the last few ones. If he doesn't show up after promising just because he wanted to SLEEP and I was ready and waiting for him, I woke him up on phone. He said cancel it and slept. Is it not a good reason to nag about? Do you think my pessimism, refusal to get physical and giving cash caused this breakup?

YEs I get that. I was just forced to think that maybe my negativity forced him to leave me.. But yea, it had to end one day I guess because he wasn't even working

You can look at how you approach situations or people and see if there is room for improvement. Approaching things positive usually means there will be a positive outcome. I have a simple philosophy of life. It's not worth doing unless you are having fun, so make everything fun. Granted, that doesn't work at most funerals.


YEs I get that. I was just forced to think that maybe my negativity forced him to leave me.. But yea, it had to end one day I guess because he wasn't even working

Okay so I've bern stalking him like anything and till yesterday I was frustrated and freaking out. But today when I'm stalking him, I'm just feeling all right. Nothing that frustrating. Is it a part of moving on or the worst is yet to come? Maybe I need to get immune to these things to make peace with the past. As someone said, some wounds only heal by deepening them and making them worse.

Trust me, stalking is a bad flaw that keeps the wounds from healing. A distraction from what's the REAL priority. MOVING beyond this experience. Why hurt yourself in the process, and does making a wound deeper really help YOU?

I don't think so!! That's some rather insane, stinking thinking in my view, a total waste of time, energy, and focus, AND extremely unhealthy. Stalking gets out of control fast, and easily.

I think you can, and should do BETTER than that!

Wow. Wrong move after wrong move usually doesn't lead to a positive outcome. Listen to what Talaniman and just move on. He's not worth your effort.

A agree with the above posters... stalking will NEVER end in anything good or anything positive. And it can land you in jail and it will easily land a restraining order against you. Either will haunt you the rest of your natural life.

Stalking on Facebook or on internet I meant. Whatsapp viber etc. but okay, I'll try to control myself from doing it. I don't know why I check all this even though I don't want to!

Still a REALLY bad habit to get into. There are VERY few people that won't send someone packing that they caught doing it. It not an endearing trait. Its much like saying you only use Heroin socially.. um OK, if you see the point. It's a slippery slope once you take that first step.

Hmm.. Yea you're right. It's an addiction and moving on is like withdrawing from a drug. I won't stalk now and do something else when The urge is strong

Spend it working on a hobby, exercise, friends. Any outlet that's healthy you can do until after the thoughts pass. And eventually you will in your own heart have moved on and the urges will have disappeared.

No need to jump into another relationship just yet. Too many rebound relationships fail because they are usually entered into for all the wrong reasons.

Yea, I'm not physically and mentally prepared for a rebound as well. Cannot do anything and I usually act so weird and I end up upsetting the other person. It's contagious. I've made a to-do list. I'll work on it for sure.