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JacksonNYC
Sep 13, 2014, 09:08 PM
My girlfriend and I started dating about four months ago. Prior to this, we became friends about two years ago but lost contact only to reconnect early this year and eventually go into a relationship.
For a better understanding of the situation of things, I will be giving a lot of details so please bear with me if my post ends up too long.
When we met at first two years ago, she had a boyfriend who was out of town so I didn't ask her out however I invited her over to my place for a weekend and she came. In the course of her stay, I tried to have sex with her but she bluntly refused only allowing me to suck and play with her breast.
After the incidence at my place we lost contact for a long time only to reunite early this year and eventually go into a relationship shortly after.
Just 2 months into the relationship, the bond got stronger than any bond I have ever had with any woman. We realized we were deeply in love with each other.
Realizing how serious we were and how far we were willing to take the relationship, we decided we had to be honest with each other and keep no secrets.
In her honesty, she told me she had slept with 12 guys before me. One out of the 12 guys was her cousin whom she slept with twice when she was 18 claiming her first boyfriend whom she was dating was treating her unfairly and this cousin of hers (about 2 years younger than her) was giving her the care and attention she really needed. The 12 guys included guys she actually dated and ones she just had casual sex with for whatever reason but excluded guys that smooched her and sucked her breast (guys like me) whose number she said was even more than the number she had actual sex with. In addition to these, she also admitted to having slept with 3 girls one of whom she was really in love with.
She said having being with all those guys, she realized she didn't enjoy sex with guys and she got tired of the treatment she got from guys generally and at the same time, she realized she was getting more attracted to girls than guys hence the transition to lesbianism. Somewhere along the line she had a fight with her lesbian partner whom she said was always too imposing on her. Her partner got a boyfriend and she moved so they got separated.
Unwilling to jump into a relationship with any guy and in an effort to give up lesbianism, she decided to stay single until the right guy comes.
8 months after being single and sexually inactive, I came along and swept her off her feet and showed her the true meaning of love. Her perception of love has changed now, she has become a better person because of me and she says I'm the only guy she has ever enjoyed sex with (the only guy to make her besides her former lesbian lover) and that she doesn't want to lose me.

In the course of telling these stories, there were lots of emotional drama which in summary shows that she really really regrets what she's done in the past and wants me to try and forgive her of her past and take her for who she is now.

I love this girl as much as she loves me and really want to go further with her but I keep getting recurring pictures of her sexual history.
Even though she regrets her past and has sworn she ll never ever cheat on me or do anything that ll affect our relationship, I still find it difficult to not think about her past.
She also promised to give up the habit of visiting male friends (like she visited me) which she didn't really see as a big deal since she didn't necessarily have sex with the male friends she had the habit of visiting.

We have been on for about four months now, our love has grown stronger with every passing day and I don't bring up her past anymore yet I have been unable to completely let go of her past.
We are both 26 years old now and I have my own sexual history too but she doesn't really have a problem with it (probably because of the societal double standards that exist when it comes to gender and promiscuity)

I love this girl, she loves me too, we both fit the description of the kind of partners we wish to have and right now we are having the kind of relationship we always dreamed of but I'm still a bit unsettled so I thought I should come here for counsel.
I'm open to words of encouragement, criticism, advice, warning, tips etc I just want to hear other people's opinion on this.
Please excuse all grammatical errors.
Thanks.

joypulv
Sep 13, 2014, 11:51 PM
For the life of me, I can't understand why so many young people feel that 'true love' requires a full accounting of every past deed. I also don't understand why your girlfriend is ashamed of her past. I certainly hope this isn't something growing out of your jealousy.
Jealousy of someone's past is about the stupidest, most destructive emotion there is. Do you WANT to lose her, because you are doing your best to do so? I don't care what societal pressures there are to have this double standard. If you knew that about yourself you shouldn't have asked her to tell you. Honesty in a relationship is about NOW and the future, not the past.

As for 'I showed her the true meaning of love,' please! Grow up and punch a hole in that seriously inflated ego. That goes hand in hand with thinking that you have some proprietary rights over her past.

And last but not least, promising to give up visiting male friends sounds OK enough on the face of it, but the way you sound, I'm worried that you will be jealous of her even having male friends period. And what about women? How do you know there won't be attraction between both sexes? You don't; none of us do, but we trust each other to have friends because it's vital to any healthy relationship. All relationships carry the risk of ending, whatever the reason. So far, you are ripe for bringing on two of them - jealousy over the past, and possessiveness.

J_9
Sep 14, 2014, 05:04 AM
I have my own sexual history too but she doesn't really have a problem with it (probably because of the societal double standards that exist when it comes to gender and promiscuity)

She doesn't have a problem with it because she is mature and understands that this was in your past and doesn't affect your present or your future. It has nothing to do with "societal double standards," but everything to do with trust and maturity.

If you are not prepared for the answers you might get, you might want to re-think asking the question.

Fr_Chuck
Sep 14, 2014, 06:28 AM
Her past is just that , her past. She really should not have even told you, except that "yea, she had sex before"

You need to either accept it, and go on, or almost forget about even finding anyone, since at 26, almost everyone has a past.

Sit down and agree, as to what is proper and not proper, going forward. And trust each other. I just got married, last month, I am almost 60, my wife, almost 45. She has a past, but never asked, in fact we agreed, not to tell, since it doesnot matter.

talaniman
Sep 14, 2014, 08:00 AM
My only advice is to don't be stuck on your own fears, and insecurities knowing her past has brought onto you. Let them go and boldly embrace your good fortunes with a partner you like NOW while it lasts.

Every time thoughts of her past pop in your head, be grateful you both found each other NOW, and enjoy the moment. Its only been 4 months so just keep working on it until it's second nature to enjoy the bright side, and not let little things, or rough times between you get bigger than they need be. Think before you act or speak and have no regrets about ill timed words, or actions, while you enjoy the honeymoon phase of this new love interest, and learn more about each other, and if you can truly work together, and build something that lasts There are no guarantees with all the love words and intense, strong feelings that it will last.

Keep it real and enjoy getting to know each other ONE DAY AT A TIME, and let the future take care of itself, and the past be a memory that's not that important NOW! The past can't come between you unless you let it, and life is too short and fragile to be looking back and being bugged by what happen before you.

No telling what's in the future, or what you will be dealing with tomorrow, but be happy with what you have today. Start your day with gratitude being your attitude and being happy is a lot easier even on those not so good times that are inevitable. Your attitude is all you have that YOU can control.

Did I say keep it real? Take a page from her book my friend, and be as cool as she is about YOUR past.

PS. I smell a longer history than just dating for 4 months...............MUCH longer.