I've been through a lot with my boyfriend.
We met through friends, just drinking out and about, we always just clicked, then one night years later, we bumped into each other, we had our first kiss, and from that point on we were together all the time. He pretty much moved into my flat about 2 weeks later, we never wanted to be apart, the more we found out about each other the more we fell for each other. We were best friends...
There were a few to many issues though, before we were 'officially' girlfriend and boyfriend, he admitted to me that he has cheated on everyone he's ever been with. I have anxiety and this worried me more because I've always been the one that's been treated wrong. This should make me feel better right? Because he's being honest?.
Anyway, for the first 6 months of our relationship, his crazy stalker ex-girlfriend was on our case almost every day. She would never stop calling/texting us etc, pain in the arse basically!
Then, few months into that same year, we were out drinking (me and boyfriend), we fell out while out, he returned home and I wasn't there when he got in (I was walking a friend home), anyway... I came home to find he had punched through my TV, used the blood from that to write ''F*** YOU!'' across the lounge walls, there was blood all over my carpet and smeared all over my coffee table and mirror, and my JVC sound system had been smashed. I panicked and called the police. They told him he had to stay away from me. He went to a party on the other side of the island, he ended up meeting up with his ex girlfriend ''for a chat'' even though he was texting her things like ''Let's do this, for old times sake lol xxxx'' and just flirting loads in general. He tells me that when they got dropped into town, he just sat with her and spoke to her all night about me. 2 weeks later he THEN admits that she tried to kiss him but he pushed away. She was telling me that they went and had sex in some public toilets.
I took him back. I was in love with him. He told me he only did that to my flat because he cares so much... I thought I could forget all about that but I couldn't, and I still can't.
After that incedent, I didn't feel so comfortable in giving him a house key again. He didn't like this and so he moved back to scotland for a few months. During the time he was away he had sex with another ex girlfriend (while telling me he loved me everyday), he admitted to it, and I forgave him.
He came back... then it got to the point that whenever we argued we'd actually fight. We started to get better after it up until christmas, when he wanted to leave to Scotland again. I begged him to stay until after Christmas... He begged me to come with him. I couldn't. I had so much to sort out here if I was to move anywhere. My grandad is ill and I needed to see more of him. He stayed over Christmas, then left on the 7th Jan.
He got himself a flat up there, ready for me to move up, and that was the plan, but the lack of contact, and if I had a problem with something or was upset about something he's done, I'd try to tell him, it would turn into an argument then he would just block me, or ignore me and get drunk with his friends...
If his battery died he never went home to charge it, he never tried to get hold of me... He blocked me on my birthday... the whole night into the next day...
Anyway, I started to doubt moving up there. Why should I leave everything I had here for someone who can't make an effort for me? So we argued, we broke up.
Within two weeks he had sex with another person. He admitted that to me as well as saying that he's over me and I need to get over him...
So we didn't speak for a few weeks. I got myself a good full time job and was just picking myself back up when he text me... He was in a state, he was telling me how much he misses me and that he loves me and he was so sorry for everything.. He also said that he only told me to get over him because he thought that's what I needed... I called him when I got the chance and I swear, I had never heard him the way he was that day... We spoke for a while, a few days and I thought I'd give him another chance. A couple months later he came back to live with me.
Since he's been back it's been completely different. He's much more sensitive and emotional about things, I'm more blunt and impatient about things - it's like the roles have switched completely! He does everything, he cleans the flat all the time, he cooks food, he looks after me well -
But I still can't trust him. After my whole past and everything that's happened with us I find it very hard. I've broken up with him now, due to this lack of trust. I've always thought if there's no trust there's no relationship... He's even telling me to put security camera's up but I'm not that sort of person. He's trying to think of solutions but I don't know!

I'm so hurt, angry and confused. I don't want to break up with him. He's a complete arsehole but he's my best friend! He's my soulmate and means the world to me - I don't want to lose him but I can't stay with him if I can't trust him can I? Someone help, please... I've never been in a worse position! :'(

You cannot trust him. That should be the last thing you ever say to him, but it sounds like you're in the early stages of "battered wife syndrome." It is possible for people to change, but what happens the next time he flies into a rage? Your face could be the next TV set. I discount the sex with other women because you didn't say anything about commitments so maybe he doesn't feel bound as strongly as you do. The violence is my major worry.

Keep the distance. You can be best friends while he's away, but it's obvious living together is not for the two of you.

He'll only ever hurt me if I hurt him - I don't believe he'd just hit me randomly... That all happened over a year ago, since he's been back this time he's been completely different - there's been no violence, he just gets mad and frustrated that I can't trust him...
Also I just feel that when you're in a relationship you just don't have sex with other people.. Especially if you're in love with someone? I couldn't ever imagine sleeping with anyone else while I'm in love...

Thank you though, for all your advice, I really appreciate you taking the time to read everything there. I do need to here good, solid honest advice because I don't even know if my own decisions are good or bad. I'm at war with my head!

Thanks again <3

You tell us all the horrible stories and then defend him when advised to leave him.
Happens all the time here.
It does sound like he's trying to grow up and be trustworthy, and you know it isn't that easy. So his easy anger bursts out again. It's a lose-lose situation. It takes a LONG TIME to gain someone's trust after all he did, and he's impatient. That's selfish and immature. He still has too much to learn, too far to go.
So I say it's not going to work.
Try again in 2 whole years without each other, if you are such soul mates.
Does he work? With all his going here and there, it doesn't sound like it. For all you know, he gets kicked out by all the other women, and he's just decided that you are the only one willing to provide a nest.
A solid steady job would help too, with the proof of trustworthiness.

This is obviously the circle of abuse. One complains about the mistreatment of their partner, the defends the partner.

Time to get out before you are hurt.

I just don't understand it - I don't know if he can change from what he's been, what if he has? And I just can't see it past my negativity?
Apart from the times I've mentioned, we've never spent a day apart - we're the same person.
He tells me it's my head making it all up all the time, maybe it is? Maybe my anxiety has gotten completely out of control and I'm never making the right choices? Or even good ones...

Thanks guys for your advice, I needed honesty and that's what I've been given - I really appreciate it and will take it all in.

You shouldn't be the "same person." That's part of abuse. You are two separate people who should celebrate and embrace your differences.

If you have anxiety, you need to get yourself healthy before trying to be in a relationship.

I have had anxiety since before I can remember. I always panic - otherwise it's not too bad, I just lack confidence and so I'm quite negative.

But maybe you're right. I need to start listening to people who are on the outside seeing in.

Thanks again

'Apart from the times I've mentioned, we've never spent a day apart.'
Huh? I'm totally happy, except when I'm miserable.

Someday you will realize that love doesn't mean spending every minute, or even every day, together as one. In fact it's a recipe for disaster. People who love each other can spend plenty of time apart, and it's actually good for a richly rewarding, fun, interesting relationship.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental-emotional-health/anxiety-getting-worse-800661.html

I think you need to recognize that you are not healthy enough to have a healthy relationship, AT THIS TIME, and need to focus on YOU, just you. After what you have been through with this fellow, its obvious you cannot make the adjustment to the new perfect HIM yet, and need a lot of time to do so. The most important relationship in the world is the one with yourself, and trying to bring another into it before you have made the one with yourself healthy is a disaster waiting to happen.

That disaster has already happened, and you need to see it and remove yourself from it, and let yourself heal, and get healthy. A very difficult choice, and challenge, I know.

Him and I have spent months apart (the times I've mentioned) - it's hard for both of us. I'm not saying that just because we can spend every day together it means we're in love - I know - What I was trying to make clear that is that we are like best friends, we never seem to get bored of each other..

I understand what you mean Talaniman - What you said did upset me a bit because it made me realise just how much my anxiety is controlling ME.. it's not fair, I'm in love with the person I've always liked, but I can't be with him because of how my head works? I don't know if I can do it alone... I don't know how I'll be - I'll be forever thinking about how I lost someone I love because of the way I think. I'll never be happy.
Maybe you're right, I do need to focus on me. I have never cared enough about myself to try. :c

Thank you x

I would be a nervous wreck too had I been through what you have been through with a partner. Anyone would. But you need some time to evaluate and get yourself under control, or you will never be happy, or HEALTHY of mind, body, and soul. Your best friend would understand that need wouldn't he, and want that for you. He went through much before he decided to be a good guy, and you went through it with him, and suffered every step.

Now you are going through MUCH. Will he suffer through it with you? You will find out but only after you find yourself. Find yourself and then see who is there with you. The dependence on him for your happiness, only distracts you from being healthy, AND happy.

More importantly, it has NOT worked so far has it? Focus on you getting healthy, and happiness WILL follow. You waited for him (to your own detriment) now you mean he cannot wait on YOU? That's not love, and it's certainly NOT healthy.

Doing what's right for yourself is never easy, so I do have great sympathy, but it is YOUR decision.

One simple sentence...

You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first.