solahpowah
Aug 13, 2014, 08:58 PM
I have been with my boyfriend for four years, we are 21 and 22. We have a great relationship in all aspects, except when we get into an argument. He always ignores me when we fight, even though I have explained that this is not healthy to avoid conflict and it hurts me more when he does this. But he says he needs his space. He is really bad at dealing with conflict and ends up making it worse because he gets really angry and ignores me, or makes me feel guilty for being upset over something he said when I can't control my feelings (and when I bring this up he claims I am making him feel like a bad boyfriend?? )
The most recent fight (which we are still in the middle of) was about us moving in together. I recently got an awesome new job that pays really well and we've talked about the future, we both want to move in, so I brought it up with him and he didn't seem that keen. I got upset because he didn't clearly explain that it was just because of money issues and not anything to do with him not wanting to live with me. We got into a fight because I overreacted and then he ignored me until Wednesday night when I finally caved and talked to him. We talked about it and the conversation went like this
Me: so what would we have to do to get you to the point where we would be financially ready to move in together?
Him: my financial standpoint
Me: what does that mean?
Him: I don't have a fulltime job
Me: when are you going to get one?
Him: I don't know
Me: okay well here's the deal, I'm going to get my license, driving lessons, save up for a car and once I have my license, a car and have saved up enough money, if by that time you are ready to move in, have a fulltime job etc, great, if not, I'm going to move out by myself into a share house.
Because either way I want to move out of home as soon as possible, and you can take as much time as you need to do whatever you need to do, get a fulltime job, whatever. You're clearly not in as big a hurry to move out as I am so I don't really see the point in me waiting for you
Him: yeah I don't see why you'd wait around for a piece of like me anyway, thanks for that, I'm done.
I realise that what I said may have come off harshly, but now he isn't speaking to me, he told me not to talk to him and to give him some space. After that he was speaking really sarcastically to me and refused to accept my apologies, even though I completely admitted that I shouldn't have said it, said sorry over and over, asked how I could fix it etc, he didn't care. Apparently what I said was so horrible to him I deserve to be spoken to disrespectfully and was bad enough that he needs space from it. I was being honest. I feel that is reaction was over the top.
The back story is, he's working at mcdonalds right now part time, has been there for almost 8 years. But he has wanted to be a chef since he was very little. He's a very good cook and is really talented and has what it takes to be a chef, but he has never made an effort to look for a job. He talks about wanting to be a chef, but is never bothered to make it happen. He has applied for maybe 4 jobs the entire time we've been together. Everyone, including me, his family, friends have tried to encourage him to apply for jobs but he has never been motivated. He is wasting his life at maccas because he is too scared to get a real job, even though he said to move in together he would need one. I have offered him support, even said I would help him with his theory work when he thought about going to tafe (school) for a cooking course, but nothing ever comes of it. I have no idea why he has never applied. He has so much talent, there is nothing stopping him from becoming a chef other than himself. I am out of ideas on how to encourage him. I don't want to push him too hard, but I feel like if I don't, we will never move in together because he won't move out until he has a full-time job, yet won't actually get one. He is slowing our future down and it is hurting me because he does not seem to care.
How can I make him see my side? Any advice or perspectives would be welcome.
The most recent fight (which we are still in the middle of) was about us moving in together. I recently got an awesome new job that pays really well and we've talked about the future, we both want to move in, so I brought it up with him and he didn't seem that keen. I got upset because he didn't clearly explain that it was just because of money issues and not anything to do with him not wanting to live with me. We got into a fight because I overreacted and then he ignored me until Wednesday night when I finally caved and talked to him. We talked about it and the conversation went like this
Me: so what would we have to do to get you to the point where we would be financially ready to move in together?
Him: my financial standpoint
Me: what does that mean?
Him: I don't have a fulltime job
Me: when are you going to get one?
Him: I don't know
Me: okay well here's the deal, I'm going to get my license, driving lessons, save up for a car and once I have my license, a car and have saved up enough money, if by that time you are ready to move in, have a fulltime job etc, great, if not, I'm going to move out by myself into a share house.
Because either way I want to move out of home as soon as possible, and you can take as much time as you need to do whatever you need to do, get a fulltime job, whatever. You're clearly not in as big a hurry to move out as I am so I don't really see the point in me waiting for you
Him: yeah I don't see why you'd wait around for a piece of like me anyway, thanks for that, I'm done.
I realise that what I said may have come off harshly, but now he isn't speaking to me, he told me not to talk to him and to give him some space. After that he was speaking really sarcastically to me and refused to accept my apologies, even though I completely admitted that I shouldn't have said it, said sorry over and over, asked how I could fix it etc, he didn't care. Apparently what I said was so horrible to him I deserve to be spoken to disrespectfully and was bad enough that he needs space from it. I was being honest. I feel that is reaction was over the top.
The back story is, he's working at mcdonalds right now part time, has been there for almost 8 years. But he has wanted to be a chef since he was very little. He's a very good cook and is really talented and has what it takes to be a chef, but he has never made an effort to look for a job. He talks about wanting to be a chef, but is never bothered to make it happen. He has applied for maybe 4 jobs the entire time we've been together. Everyone, including me, his family, friends have tried to encourage him to apply for jobs but he has never been motivated. He is wasting his life at maccas because he is too scared to get a real job, even though he said to move in together he would need one. I have offered him support, even said I would help him with his theory work when he thought about going to tafe (school) for a cooking course, but nothing ever comes of it. I have no idea why he has never applied. He has so much talent, there is nothing stopping him from becoming a chef other than himself. I am out of ideas on how to encourage him. I don't want to push him too hard, but I feel like if I don't, we will never move in together because he won't move out until he has a full-time job, yet won't actually get one. He is slowing our future down and it is hurting me because he does not seem to care.
How can I make him see my side? Any advice or perspectives would be welcome.