I was accused by my husband of thirty years of having so many secrets. This happened over the past nine months or so and stems back to just 9 months ago when I had the opportunity to travel for work on occasion. My husband was very clingy to me the first trip I was going on and then the second one went through my packed suitcase while I slept and told me the next morning when I asked him what was wrong that he thought we were "over". This was on the way to go on the plane, He then went through my laundry that was on the floor in a ball when I got back. He also continued for awhile to check my underwear every night in the laundry basket!

I knew that this was the last straw. Everyone thinks we are the "perfect" family and my kids are all adults now with only a twenty year old college student at home. I have lost all feeling of "love" for my husband and am "not happy " and clearly have not been for some time over the years. I am now finding several writings that I have done throughout our marriage (some dated some not) in a drawer that speak volumes. Each one over this huge span of time talks about my unhappiness and how there is no talking about things. (If you don't speak of it all is good... )

I am going through the motions but do not know how much longer as he ignores all of it. He is very passive and a nice guy but he is in the "Pleasantville" world where "life is always good" even when your wife will no longer sleep with you or have much of a conversation with you because she has lost ALL connection with you.

One child recently got married and another within a year- As happy as I am for them I fear for them. Without communication, trust and space you cannot have a successful marriage and I feel I have "played a part" for most of my thirty year marriage and am feeling trapped. How do I leave without scarring my children although they are adults and not have them hating me because their dad has been their 'friend" and not their father. I have always said I feel like I have four children... and he thinks that is so funny. I am serious.

Hi there :)

I noticed this question has remained unanswered and it felt wrong to just pass by it.
I'm only 22, I haven't dealt with marriage or children yet, but I understand where you're coming from...
If you don't feel there's a relationship there, you shouldn't be in it. If he can't trust you there's a problem... I think he's just holding on because he knows you are/have lost interest - Don't let this keep you trapped! Like you said , you've been feeling trapped for so long, it's not right for you to stay like this, you'll end up being controlled and just becoming more miserable, and your kids will see it!

My mum and dad divorced when I was 11. My older sister was 13 at the time and she knew they were going to break up way before they did! It's amazing how much children can pick up on, they can pick up on your emotions, the way you act around each other... When my parents told me they were goingto get a divorce, of course I was completely gutted, but it was a choice they needed to make. It never scarred me, and I am literally the most sensitive, emotional person in the world!

You need to look after yourself. Of course you're thinking about the man and the kids, but when it comes to how you're feeling, you need to make the right choices, because things can only get worse...

You may not want to take advice from me because I have very little experience in this, so if anything I'll say for you to listen to your heart. Not your head, stop worrying about other people, I can tell you're mature enough to explain everything properly to your man and eventually your children.

Please don't get yourself stuck in a rut. You need to be happy.

All the best xx

First, if he has been looking, and you had letters from years, in a drawer, obviously he read those also. So that could have started part of the issue.

Loss of trust, can be real, or unreal.

It appears you want to give up, not consider counseling to try and make it work.

Living together, in a home without any love and being unhappy can be terrible for children, worst than a family divorced.

Your question is how do you leave without scarring your children.. yet you also allude to worries that they are already affected by the lack of love. It's kind of a toss up, isn't it? And for all you know, they might be relieved that what they always suspected is finally evident.
Given that they are grown, I'm wondering if your fear for them isn't really what you are afraid of. I think you are afraid of being on your own, and have very mixed feelings about your 'extra child.'
I would suggest a separation.

My parents were together from 1941 to their deaths in 2006 and 2011, yet my mother spent her entire time saying that she wanted to leave. Drove me nuts. I used to fantasize about them divorcing, even as a little girl, and wanted it. I'm not saying my situation applies to you at all. Just something to think about. You could even broach the subject with your kids, but I would suggest that you make up your mind first, so that you aren't putting the burden on them.

I want to suggest some counselling even though you seem to have had one foot out of the door of this marriage for years. I would worry less about your own grown kids, and more about your own present, and future.

I think you may need help to identify the root causes of your own unhappiness, and deal with it, like maybe you haven't for a long time.