Hey everyone. I know that I have always called my significant other my hubby on AMHD, but we were never married. Just together for 11 years and we have a 5 year old boy who will be starting kindergarten in the fall.

As every couple who has been together as long as us, we have had our ups and downs. But we always seemed to work through them with no major fall outs.

But as of Saturday, August 5th 2014 that has changed.

My boyfriend has decided that he needs a break and asked that I leave his home.

I respected what he asked of me and packed and overnight bag for our son and myself. We stayed at my parents.

Sunday I asked if I should get more of our things or if he was ready to talk. He told me that he needs time to himself and there was basically nothing to talk about.

Our son and myself have been staying at my moms since Saturday. My boyfriend has made more than a effort to come see our son and take him to hang out with him in this short period. He has not been mean about anything, but he will not tell me what is going on.

I ask him if this is long term or something short term, because our son is starting kindergarten in September and I have him enrolled in a school that is connected to my bfs address and if we are not living with him I will need to figure out what school I need to enroll him in. My boyfriend can not give me an answer, he says I don't know I just need time.

So I am leaving him alone. Giving him time.

But what should I do? I am sad, mad, hurt, and confused, but stying strong for my little man.

Thanks

This situation sucks.

How long have you lived together? Frankly, if he needs time, he should be the one moving out. The fact that he asked you and your son to move out, well, I have a few words to call him that I can't say on AMHD. But really, he's only thinking of himself right now, that's obvious.

I would say "Go ahead and think all you want, but I'm moving back in with our son so his life isn't disrupted, and he's starting school in September, and you can move out! When you're done thinking, we'll talk. But I'm not changing my life, or my sons, because you suddenly need alone time! Man up!"

Sorry, but I'm mad for you, and boy would I like a few words with your boyfriend!

(((((hugs)))))

First things first - your son is also his and he needs to be part of the kindergarten arrangements. I would leave things the way they are for now, because regardless of where YOU end up, your son can still be considered living with his father. And you two should be talking about shared parenting. It is not stepping on his dainty sensibilities to insist on talking concrete arrangements for school and living and finances.
Unfortunately, because you aren't married to him, you can't just demand to move back in to his house. You could make him take your son, but I assume you don't want to do that.

Second, I took a quick peek at some past posts, and can't really find a clue about what's going on with him - BUT maybe your side of the family is around too much? I read about the 2 boys tussling and the history you have with your brother and his wife, the daily 'job' babysitting for them and their criticism, and so on... it did seem like there is 'too much' emotionally exhausting stuff going on. I got weary just reading about each incident. Maybe your boyfriend needs a break from your FAMILY??
That's my hope anyway.

Ask for a timed sit down to discuss your son. Start at 7, end at 7:30. You could even meet in a coffee shop and leave your son at home.
If you can get in one question at the end about cutting back on your family being around by 98%, see what he says!

I didn't read past posts. From what Joy posted, this may be the issue.

Time to sit down and talk this out, see what you two, as a couple, can do to fix this relationship.

I have tried to get him to talk to me. All he can say is that he doesn't know. I let him know that our son is my number one priority and that I need to know what is happening for the sake of him.

But he just says that he doesn't know what he wants to do.

I don't think that we can blame your family as causing your boyfriends unknown problem.

After 11 years and a child together, he should be able to at least talk. He should have been talking before he booted you and his son out. That is so cruel and unwarranted under any circumstances. If you chose to leave because he was abusive, that's one thing, but he kicked you out. What kind of man would do that.

Maybe check with a lawyer and find out what you can do legally. I am in Canada, and it isn't too many years of living together, for a common law spouse to receive some fair compensation, and child support of course. You probably have assets together after all these years, and so many matters of finances come into play that are shared- insurance, health benefits, vehicles, credit cards, etc. I wouldn't wait too long until seeking the advice of a lawyer to make sure that you are informed as to what you can reasonably expect, and what you need to do to protect yourself.

Because your boyfriend cannot seem to get his act together, even out of respect and consideration toward you, I hope you don't delay in getting good advice on how to proceed.

My gut tells me someone else is in the picture- is that possible? Has it crossed your mind? All the more reason to be as prepared as you can if happens.

You are lucky you have a place to go! Had you not had your mother and father to take you and your son in, you could have ended up in a shelter.

Time to get moving, even if it all turns out, you and your son have to be your only priorities right now.

Along with what everyone else has said... I'd be looking at options to protect yourself and your son financially.

Starting with if you might be able to claim a common law marriage (its not recognised everywhere and requirements vary greatly where it is).

And don't hesitate to go after child support if it doesn't work out in the end.

How are your finances since I note you just bought a house, and have been fighting over money. I know you have been with this fellow for 11 years, but being kicked out because he has issues whatever they are, should certainly make you see that being able to stand on your own should be YOUR priority. I mean a guy that won't talk, and hasn't given a clue as to what's on his mind, yet takes such drastic disruptive steps with his family is not one to be counted on no matter what your heart tells you.

Lets start with those finances, and take an honest look at what you know about your shared money and interests. I find it weird that it's HIS house after 11 years together.

Well, I do not have a job at this point in time. I have been a stay at home mom.

I did all the cooking and cleaning and whatever else.

Yes, I have thought that there might be someone else. I asked him point blank and he told me no. But I suppose that dose not mean anything. He has never given me any reason to not trust him though.

He told me that he is tired of my nagging and ing. That is his reason for the break.

I am still trying to figure the rest of it out.

I asked about the car that I am currently driving. It is in his name. I asked him when we were going to put it in my name and he said just wait just wait... I am so confused!

So he DID give a reason! You've been saying he won't talk or say why, yet now you say he said he is tired of your nagging and ----ing. How you can act like that isn't "it?" How you can say you are trying to figure the rest of it out? What rest of it?

You write and sound like a very reasonable person. Yet this issue seems to have whooshed right over your head as though it can't possibly matter. It DOES.

I lived with a quiet father and a mother who never stopped talking, complaining, nagging, arguing, and shouting. And I've seen it countless other times.

I'm not going to say that he is right and you are wrong, especially when he isn't here and we know nothing about him, or how you two interact. But if this relationship is important to you, then I would sit down and absolutely force yourself to curb 90% of anything remotely negative that comes out of your mouth. Don't promise him that; put it into effect. Then in a week say that you've been working on it and ask him if he noticed. I know you aren't together, so this will have to be when you meet about your son's future.

At some point the need for escape from the drama outweighs the positives of the relationship, at least in his mind. Drama-free relationships are so much better and the way my partner and I live our daily lives.

If he went through the trouble of kicking you out and needing time and space, I would take him at his word and plan for being without him for some time and that includes where your son goes to school, and you having your own means of support as well as plan on making sure he supports his son.

These things don't just happen out of the blue, its most likely a slow grind over time. While we hope for the best, we PLAN for the worst. That's my suggestion, plan for the worst, and give him time, and space for now.

I have no doubt he feels he is carrying the whole load, has for a while, and is sick of it. Why else would you kick out a partner of 11 years after you have bought a house last year (in his name only??)? Do what you have to for yourself, and your son without him.

If things do get better you can adjust later, but it won't happen overnight, or next week, or maybe not next month. A more permanent parenting plan can be worked out later but for now, it's entirely on you to get it together after this HUGE and unexpected life changing event.

You are probably in complete shock and need some time and space for YOURSELF! Take it before you make a decision, or take any actions. You have to figure a guy who would disrupt his family this way, is capable of causing much more DISRUPTION. Being practical, this may well take YEARS to finally resolve, and that's how you should approach it.

Thank you all!

We are still living at my mom and dads.

Things are still rough, but I am starting to come to terms.

He has also informed me that it IS OVER. So, now I can move one and figure our my next steps to better the life for our son and me.

I am enrolling D in the school that is close to my parents.

I have stepped up and explained to D what is happening between his father and I. I told D that no matter what, his Dad and I love him the same. He seems to be doing okay for now.

Like I said Thank you!!

Wow, good that you got the disruption sorted out and can now move forward. I had some advice to give before I read your last post. And that was, plan for the long term, get your son enrolled in a school near your parents home. Get your own life in order along with your son. Be happy in your decision. This is not the end of the road for you. Good things happen to people who can take charge of their lives.

Tick

Yes, I need to move on.

Now I am working on getting my son enrolled in school so he can go to Kinder Round Up. And I am also working on getting a job that can support my son and I.

I had a talk with my ex and let him know that now that he has told me it is over, I will be coming and getting the rest of my belongings. Which is not a whole lot of stuff because I do not want to start any arguments over who owns what stuff. I informed him that I would be taking my clothes, toiletries, dishes and wall pictures. He got a little upset about the pictures because he believes that they are his. So, I just told him to take them. I would take the ones that were not framed and get my own frames for them.

I also let him know that we need to figure out a parenting plan. He of course wants to try to everything without legal involvement, and I know why. They would take a lot of money from him... So, I am willing to try. But as of now, he is not really letting me know when he is taking our son or when he brings him back.

For example; he took him on Saturday after work. Got to my parents at 3pm. Didn't leave my parents until 4pm, which was weird because I was prepared for him to just pick our son up and leave. Before he left I asked him when he was planning on bringing him home and he just said I will call you.

Then I got a phone call from him a couple of hours later, he wanted to know how to pay his bills. So, I walked him through it.

Before we got off the phone he told me that I do not need to start looking for my own place right away. I said that yes I do. And then he continued to tell me that this doesn't mean that we might not ever get back together.

That is why I get so confused. He tells me it is over then says it doesn't mean we might not get back together. I just said bye.

Regardless of what he says, I can not sit around and wait. It is not healthy for my son or myself. I need to get my stuff together for US.

I guess I need to experience individuality.

Still going to be difficult at first, but I know I can do it without him..

You have done well to look out for you and your sons interest despite what he says. Do not hesitate to use the court for child support, and visitations issues either, because that's part of a structured parenting plan, that brings certainty to YOUR future plans, and saves a lot of hassles, and future conflicts.

Sorry you are going through this, but am glad to see you are being realistic and practical, and very pragmatic in your approach and outlook to what has to be a very difficult situation for anyone to go through.

Much luck BM, and any help you may need, just ask.

If you don't go after support NOW... you are going to lose out on that money because they don't give it retroactively before you ask to get it. I think he knows that so every month that's delayed, and a money he won't have to pay it.

If you can show a common law marriage and its accepted where you live....that means support for you, adn if you go after child support, thats support for your child...and THAT you will get in any part of the country....and in fact most of the world. But its not going to start until you go after it.

It is imperative that you set support and visitation in a legal manner so as to protect you and your son.

That is what everyone keeps saying.

I feel if I do that, It will drowned him in bills. As he is a new home owner and his mortgage payment is off the charts. Not to mention other bills on top of that. So, I feel if I do it all legally there is a possibility that he may not be able to afford his home. I do not want to take another thing away from my son. If that makes sense to you.

It makes sense, but remember that this was something he chose to do. All choices have consequences, even more so as adults. That's not meant to be facetious, just truthful.

Your son son is your number one priority right now and right now without your parents, where would you be? Without that legal document he could change his mind at any time. Then where would you be?

What you are proposing with the house and the bilks is very admirable. You seem to be handling this in a very mature manner, but you need to protect your son. He is what is most important right now. You can't protect him unless you do it legally.

Give it thought my dear, as taking care of his son properly is more important than his bills and such for sure and would you even be in this position had he talked with you in the first place? He screwed up, why should your son be put on hold because he chose to act in the way he did. He doesn't deserve to be put as a higher priority than you and your son at this time in my book.

I hope false hope of getting back together doesn't cloud your judgement, or make you go along with his program any longer, since it didn't work for you and your son in the first place. Why continue with it?

Give it thought and tell your heart to shut up on this for a while. His well being IS NOT your priority right now.

I do not get it! He called me and I missed the call, so I called him back and he said that he pocket dialed me. I said okay bye. He said what is D doing? I said playing bye. He asked how are you? I said fine bye. He said what you don't want to talk? I said talk about what? Bye. He finally go off the phone. Then he texts me and says you know we can still be friends and talk. I ignored him. Then he texted and said or not if you don't want to. I then responded with You know, you are the one that needs time and space... not me... I am giving you that. Talking aboutdaily life activities is not going to give you time or space. And you already know how I feel. Besides, how can you be friends with someone you just told that you couldn't stand? You did just basically tell me that Saturday on the phone. His response was, K. fine, I guess we don't have to be friends if you don't want. I have to go back to work now.

Why does he want to be friends and talk if he needs time and space?? Ughhhh... I hate this!! I do not want to be the bad guy who doesn't want to be his friend, but it is really hard right now!

Should I respond to his last text or leave it at that?

Me personally, I think he's stringing you along to push off you going after the support money you and your child are owed as long as he can get away with it.

Every month that passes that he doesn't have to pay is a month more he gets to keep it and a month more you don't have it to use for food, clothing etc.

That's my gut speaking...

I honestly have thought that... and asked him about that. He said that he is not worried about the money.

Who knows...

Listen with your head, and not with your heart, and I think you will get it. Like Smoothy's gut says, staying on your good side is what he is after. Just curious if he is helping you adequately financially so far?

I don't want to upset you and I know this may seem harsh, but you need to stop trying to make his life easier. I understand not wanting to upset him and not causing fights over who owns what but you need to start paying attention to the way he is playing you and getting everything he wants while you wait for what you and your son need.

He is acting like a selfish child if he couldn't let you have the pictures you wanted when you aren't asking for pots, pans, furniture, etc. How many other things have you thought about taking that have sentimental value to you and he made you feel guilty or got upset?

You helped him figure out how to pay his bills. Are you going to walk him through doing laundry and dishes? How far are you willing to bend over backwards to keep peace?

You have mentioned your belongings. What about your son's clothes, toys, furniture, etc.? Are you leaving those behind and starting over?

I understand being worried about him losing his house and the expenses. However, look at your own. Look at the burden for your and your son's care shifting from him to your parents who are supporting you while you find a job and make new living arrangements.

Personally, I think he has probably been putting his plans in motion since he decided to buy a house or when he closed on it. This does not appear to be an overnight decision regardless of how he is trying to portray it to you. Please consult a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. It is in his best interest if he can keep you waiting on him and his needs while he goes ahead with plans you know nothing about. He wouldn't be the first person to act confused and wishy-washy about his plans while covering his own assets and building a new life.

Please be careful.

He has offered me money, but I turned it down, Twice I think. He pulled a 100 dollar bil out of his wallet...


About our sons belongings; I asked how he wanted to do that and he said he would buy new stuff. So, I am taking all of his stuff.


I have not really purchased much with my own money because my money went towards electric, cable, phone, etc. when I had it. So, I have not thought about taking much else.

Everyone s telling me the same thing. I suppose that it was I need to do. I am realizing he is trying to keep me waiting because it is convenient and at the moment cheap for him.

It is becoming clear.

I really do still love him and can not believe that this is happening for real. :(

I really do still love him and can not believe that this is happening for real. :(

We know that...

>CYBER HUG FROM US ALL<

So very sorry that you are having to go through this. I know how much you just want to keep the peace and move on, but if you think this may be a permanent break, please do seek legal counsel to learn how to protect yours and your son's best interests. Often people don't think their partner would try to take advantage, but often when money starts to get involved things can sadly become surprisingly nasty.

For your son it's not just the present, but for long term support.

It is perfectly understandable that you still love him, and who knows where things may stand in 6 months, but if you both do end up going your own ways, your son will still need to be supported for years to come.

Do I have to act on everything right now? It is all so much crap to go through.

He called me again last night to ask about finances. I told him that I thought I asked him not to contact me regarding his bills anymore. He got mad and said that if we can not be friends we most certainly will never be ever to get back together.

It kills me when he brings up getting back together. It makes it harder for me to move on and take action against him. I know that I need to though.

I mentioned to him about child support and what not. Now he wants D every other week. So I would get D for one whole week and then he would get D for one whole week. I am going to have a very hard time doing that. I have been with my son for the last five years and have only had him gone for a couple of nights at one time.

I want to do things the "friendly" way. I know I am going against everyone suggestions.

I let my ex know that our son is telling people that his dad is mean and kicked us out. My ex's suggestion was to take him to the park together. I am not telling our son that his dad kicked us out or that his ad is mean. And I most certainly do not talk to anyone about what is happening in front of him. So, I am not sure why he is saying stuff like that. I do take D aside when he says stuff like that and explain to him that his dad is not mean to us and he did not kick us out. I told him that we are not together anymore and that he is more than welcome at his dad's house whenever he wants to go.

I see everything that everyone is telling me. I do see it. But right now with it only being just a couple days past a week since this nightmare began, it is hard to take action. I think I am going to take action as far as getting my son in school and finding myself a job. But everything else will come with time.

You already know he is capable of great disruption, and the simple truth is he does it for his own purpose. That calls for YOUR simple truth, friendly or not, and that's to resist his program, and run your own. You can be friends, but not JUST under just his terms and conditions, and he has to solve his own daily problems because you have your own. When he talks of getting back together, then you simply tell him its NOT fair for you to take a chance of getting kicked out again.

He may talk nice but he is hardly friendly to you so why are you so stuck on being "friendly"? Calm, yes friendly, oh hell NO!

Bless your son's heart for being honest and DIRECT. He is absolutely RIGHT. From the mouths of babes. You don't put this fellow first. Stop that right NOW!

Cover your own A$$, and stop with this friendly crap. You don't have to holler to tell him to F#### OFF! Just stop letting him run YOUR show. Handle your business, cry later.

D is five. He hears and knows more than you think he does. Abruptly leaving the only home he has known to live with his grandparents is a very big clue that things aren't right. He may have also overheard other people including your parents talking about the situation. Has he been around his cousin? The cousin may be telling him what he has heard your brother and sister-in-law discussing.

As much as you may want to keep this between you and the ex, there are a lot more people involved. So continue to give D the love, support and guidance he will need to get through this upheaval in his life.

It may seem harsh, but unfortunately this has to be dealt with now rather than later. You can be friendly but be proactive at the same time. Consulting a lawyer is for your protection and your son's. Having a mediator sit down with both of you to draw up a parenting plan, visitation, custody and financial arrangements is keep from having a verbal agreement that won't hold up if he decides to change his mind. If the two of you can come to an arrangement that is in D's best interest then do so, but before you finalize it have someone with experience in child custody cases look over it.

As for the very other week visitation, has he thought this through? With the school year about to start is he willing to take D to school every morning and pick him up when school is out? Has he made arrangements for D's care while he is working or did he just throw this out to shut you up about support?

Don't rush anything but do take steps that are necessary at this point. School for your son, job for you, any child care arrangements that may be necessary, and financial security for you son. You can remain on friendly terms while still setting things in motion.

Let your boyfriend know that he made the decision to separate so you have no choice but to get some things organized. Tell him that it is not realistic for you to just wait to see what he wants to do. If you get back together at some point, fine, finances and such will go back to what they were, but you need to prepare for not getting back together since that is a possibility as well.

He has left it all up in the air, still figuring out what he wants, but you don't have that luxury.

If you do decide to get back together at some point, suggest couples counseling before you move back.

Yes, that is my plan.

I am going to do things slowly and take care of the more important things right now.

I have a job interview tomorrow, so I am excited about that!

11 years and he hasn't married you yet? It's quite a red flag, you should end this and protect your rights NOW!