I don't know where to begin. But I think that to describe my problems You need to know the facts that I have been molested by my father in my childhood, I reflected it in my plays, these plays really took the stress off me. I usually took the doll, undressed her and I pretended that someone other than my father, but still somebody adult wanted to see her naked and to touch her, I always did it on myself, I mean I took off my underpants and cried that I didn't want somebody to touch me, but still they told me they have to. In the role of somebody were my teachers, actors, adult people I had known. I felt psychological relief. I still continue it (I am adult so I imagine situation where I am dependent on somebody)but only in my thoughts. Simultaneously when I was about four I started masturbating by crossing my legs, my mom saw it and hated it, she admitted that throughout the childhood she didn't like me at all. It was very compulsive, I even counted it and it could be even 40 per once ( I don't know if they were orgasm, but it was definietely the climax of sth, usually after one time when I imagined myself very dependent on somebody touching me I started feeling angry and sad but my body still had the pleasure and some climaxes throughout the other 39 times). When I was 14 I started to feel pressure on my bladder, an urge to urine, nothing else, no pain or pinching just an urge and I urined in droplets, I still do. It's very annoying but I got used to. But know I see it gets worse after orgasm ( I never get orgasm through touching my clittoris but only through squeezing my legs, but now it's usually 2 to 3 times).
My questions are :
1.Are the problems with urining connected to my psychology or it may be something wrong with me inside me, physically?
2. Is it wrong that I don't get climax when I touch my clittoris even when I am aroused, it sometimes gets even not pleasant, and may be painful although I am not violent in it?
3. May these problems mentioned above be connected with the fact that when I was 11 my father violently put me on ground in the way I was lying and then kicked me, mostly in the lower parts of body, and the next day I had the bleeding from the vagina. I thought I got my period then, but lately I started thinking that it could have been because of this kicking, especially that next bleeding was after a year when I was 12, then I had maybe 2 periods and a gap year. I read somewhere that it's normal to have a year gap after two periods so now I think I didn't have 2 gaps, but the 1 st bleeding was because of kicking.

I have a problem with going to a gynaecologist because in some way I want to, to feel the pleasure I have from imagining, and in the dependency the situation makes I feel aroused, it's very embarrassing. Unfortunately so far I met gynaecologist who were rather brittle, and for instance told me "Come when You start your sexual life", moreover I am so embarrassed that some man/woman it doesn't make difference may see I am aroused. It's very uncomfortable, and most importantly I would use her/him by going to gynaecologist. Would You feel used knowing that your patient feels sexual arousement because of the situation?

You really have some deep seated hang ups, karina. Sorry about the molestation, sorry to for your mom giving you a hard time when you were young exploring your body. Almost every child does that in one way or another, but it all depends on what happens next.

At this point, I don't think you need a doctor, but a counsellor to get all of this out in the open before you even approach a close sexual relationship with another person.

There is nothiing wrong with sexual arrousal, but it all depends really on how that arrousal accumulates.

I'm sorry you had to endure this. But unfortunately there is little we can do to help. There is no way we can tell you whether your issues with urinating or climaxing are physical or psychological. They could be either and without a thorough examination we can't tell.

You need to start with a therapist who can help you deal with your embarrassments enough so you can discuss these issue with a gynecologist. Only in this way can you recover from this.