My boyfriend and I are in a long term, committed relationship for the last two years. We talk frequently of marriage and in general are very happy and satisfied with our relationship. Recently, we had a problem and I desperately need some feedback.

My boyfriend has been out of town for work for 7 weeks . The other night, I was going through his email (tsk tsk on me, I know.. )but I found that he had posted a missed connection ad on craigslist for a girl he had seen at a restaurant he and his coworkers had gone to. Clicking the link led me to a page that said that the ad had been deleted by the user.

I asked him about it, but didn't tell him how I knew. He admitted to it, apologized profusely and explained that he had been drinking that night and had no excuse or explanation for his behavior. He woke up the next morning, realized what he'd done, felt badly and deleted it.

A day long fight ensued, as I tried to comprehend why he would do such a thing when he has always been so loyal and considerate of my feelings. He's been cheated on in the past and I know from his experiences, he wouldn't do something like that to me. I felt about a hundred different kinds of hurt, wondering whether I had some sort of inadequacy that had caused him to do this and whether he was truly happy with me.

When we were finally at the most heated point in our argument, he told me that he just wanted to feel wanted for once. He told me that he is disgusted with himself and described himself in a most inaccurate and self destructive way. He feels poorly about himself because, even though he doesn't want other women, he wants to be noticed by them every now and then. To me, this made a lot of sense and I finally felt like I could understand his actions. I have a lot of insecurity too and I knew exactly what he meant and I believe him when he says that he isn't looking for sex or a relationship, just to feel attractive to the opposite sex, which is something I think is normal. My heart is breaking that he feels that way because I empathize entirely, but I don't know what to do and it clearly has the potential to hurt our relationship.

So here's where I ask you: a) In general, what are your opinions? b) What can I do to improve his self esteem? In general, I try to build him up and make him feel positively about himself anyway, but clearly no reassurances from me will be of any use since he feels like he needs the approval of others. Thoughts?

Nothing you can do to fix his self esteme issues... if he can't feel good about himself... nobody else can make him feel good either. That's why its called self esteme... it has to come from within.

You might consider trusting him. Having someone trust you is a tremendous boost to your ego.

Spying on him and picking fights about your spying is definitely NOT going to make him feel better.

"He feels poorly about himself because, even though he doesn't want other women, he wants to be noticed by them every now and then. "

That's BS, plain and simple in my humble opinion. He's grasping at straws because you caught him and he's trying to save face with that phony excuse.
He has taken you from "about a hundred different kinds of hurt" to feeling sorry for him. He's a pro!
Doesn't matter how you found out. When people find out they are being disrespected, being put at risk in any way that is important to them-Mission Accomplished. Maybe this behavior would have continued and even put you at risk for disease. Good detective work.
Improve his self esteem (and consider that the self esteem angle is a tactic) if you like, but do it by holding him responsible for his actions, or fall for his story and take this task on for a long time.

You might consider trusting him. Having someone trust you is a tremendous boost to your ego.

Spying on him and picking fights about your spying is definitely NOT going to make him feel better.

Ok so wait. It's somehow my fault that he is chasing after women because I caught him chasing after women? I'm sorry, he would have done it regardless of whether I found the evidence. Secondly, he didn't know I had access to his email and prior to this I trusted him wholeheartedly. I never felt any need to question his fidelity. I snoop for another reason entirely.

Furthermore, snooping has never failed me. Sorry. Seems like I always catch something, so it's hard for me not to justify it.

And how is my trust for him going to help the fact that he finds himself physically unattractive?

"He feels poorly about himself because, even though he doesn't want other women, he wants to be noticed by them every now and then. "

That's BS, plain and simple in my humble opinion. He's grasping at straws because you caught him and he's trying to save face with that phony excuse.
He has taken you from "about a hundred different kinds of hurt" to feeling sorry for him. He's a pro!
Doesn't matter how you found out. When people find out they are being disrespected, being put at risk in any way that is important to them-Mission Accomplished. Maybe this behavior would have continued and even put you at risk for disease. Good detective work.
Improve his self esteem (and consider that the self esteem angle is a tactic) if you like, but do it by holding him responsible for his actions, or fall for his story and take this task on for a long time.

I know, I thought about that too. Part of me wants to stay angry because I don't want to be made a fool of-its like I want to make him pay. But I know that I can't do that if I want to preserve the relationship and I'm not ready to give up on it yet. He's human. He had poor judgement and he messed up. It really sucks and it really hurts but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt... I don't know... I don't want to give him the opportunity to pull the wool over my eyes but at the same time I know it's make or break and I either forgive him and let it go or call it quits... I don't know what to do

To hell with his self esteem as its no excuse for his bad behavior. His self esteem, or yours for that matter doesn't let either of you off the hook for your actions and if you have to snoop, then the trust has been broken, so instead of asking how to improve his self esteem, you should examine how you deal with his behavior.

His self esteem is HIS issue to deal with, not yours, and now that you know what he is about are you willing to spend YEARS snooping to make sure he has changed? I hate to imagine how you will deal with the next time he leaves town or is late coming home, and no doubt the snooping will continue, so instead of worrying about his actions and flaws, deal with your own and decide if YOU have enough faith and confidence to get beyond this revelation and keep going in a better direction.

The question is can you deal with your own fears and insecurities while he works on himself? Or will you keep snooping and confronting him at every thing you find? It's very disturbing you justify your snooping ad NOT realize that if you have to snoop, then you are either ignoring your own flaws, and behavior, or are with the WRONG person. To have a healthy relationship, both partners must be healthy, and when one is not, the relationship fails, be it in 2 months or 2 years. You both have issues to be worked on, and if you don't the bad behavior of you both will ruin this relationship, that simple.

LOL, you are trying to fix him without fixing yourself? That never works. If you cannot trust he will work on himself to be better, I fail to see the point of your so called commitment. And trust me, he knows you are a snoop, so don't fool yourself.

Furthermore, snooping has never failed me. Sorry. Seems like I always catch something, so it's hard for me not to justify it.


Enjoy your loneliness. It's all you will ever have.

I've never snooped on my partner and don't think I could. I mean at that point what's the point of being in the relationship? We also don't have passwords on our phones and computers either.


Ok so wait. It's somehow my fault that he is chasing after women because I caught him chasing after women? I'm sorry, he would have done it regardless of whether I found the evidence. Secondly, he didn't know I had access to his email and prior to this I trusted him wholeheartedly. I never felt any need to question his fidelity. I snoop for another reason entirely.

Furthermore, snooping has never failed me. Sorry. Seems like I always catch something, so it's hard for me not to justify it.

And how is my trust for him going to help the fact that he finds himself physically unattractive?

Ok so wait. It's somehow my fault that he is chasing after women because I caught him chasing after women? I'm sorry, he would have done it regardless of whether I found the evidence. Secondly, he didn't know I had access to his email and prior to this I trusted him wholeheartedly. I never felt any need to question his fidelity. I snoop for another reason entirely.

Furthermore, snooping has never failed me. Sorry. Seems like I always catch something, so it's hard for me not to justify it.

And how is my trust for him going to help the fact that he finds himself physically unattractive?

I don't know how anyone can justify 'snooping' on someonelse's computer. So you found it, confronted him and he apologized, why didn't you drop the issue then instead of turning it into a full blown argument and putting him on the defensive?

Why do you consider that one incident 'chasing after women', oh, wait a minute, you snoop for another reason entirely? You don't have any trust in your relationship because you snoop. End of story.

"Snooping has never failed you"; then you have done it several times before, but in this present relationship?

Why dont you just tell him you snoop on his computer; how would you feel if he snooped on yours?

Wow. Ok, so at which point did I say that he was so "broken" and I wanted to "fix" him and he is so flawed and I am free of error? I mean, that seems to be the general opinion. Let me clarify a few things for you, since apparently somehow my asking for relationship advice has turned into stone throwing.
1) I wasn't on his computer, I was on our shared computer which, for the record, is not password protected as I do not have anything to hide and, until this point, I didn't think he did either. He also has the log in information to my email and Facebook, because I occasionally have him log in to check it for me, so more than anything, it's open. Will I "keep snooping and confronting him at everything I find"? What part of "I never had any reason to question his fidelity" made you think that I have gotten on his case about something like this in the past? This is an isolated incident.
2) I stated that I previously had no reason to distrust him and trust didn't play a role in my motives for snooping, but apparently you guys read what you want. If you MUST know, I recently found a business card from Jared jewelers with info about an engagement ring written on the back in the lint trap of my dryer. I was going through his email to see any evidence of a proof of purchase or store credit card email. Still not great, but what can I say? I was excited. I didn't expect to find something like this. Clearly, that needs to wait, so kindly don't start in on me about that. It's not a revelation that came without a good amount of pain.
3) Again, when did I say I wanted to fix him or that I did no wrong? If any of you would like to tell me about your perfect relationship, I would be willing to take some notes but unfortunately I don't believe such a thing exists, simply because people are not perfect, therefore neither are the relationships between them. They take work and communication. He told me about a feeling he was having and I asked for advice on how to help him cope with those feelings.
4) Finally, before you judge me, let me just tell you a little something. My first love, my high school sweet heart, six year relationship... he was loved and adored by all... known for being kind and good and sweet and in general a good person. Yeah we got engaged, moved in together. I came home from work to find child porn on our computer. LOTS of it. So I was all by myself having to deal with the fact that the person I thought was love of my life was sick and perverted. He then lied and manipulated and I stayed around way longer than I should have so PLEASE GOD, Pest Control Experts of the Internet, PLEASE forgive me for having some trust issues. In my mind, what matters is that we both acknowledge that we have our blemishes but we value each other and the relationship enough to work through them with patience and care for the other person. Apparently I was wrong.

And as far as the self esteem being his issue... I was under the impression that partners are here to support each other? Why is it so wrong of me to ask how to build him up and support him when he is feeling low? If you insist on making my motives or actions malicious, I assure you that that was not my intent. I would hope that if I was experiencing such self loathing, he would try to encourage me, too. Sure, it is SELF esteem and sure he has to work through it but here's a news flash, if my concern is maintaining our relationship HIS problems become MY problems and I don't see what is so wrong with trying to strengthen our relationship while he tries to figure it out.

But thanks for ing objectivity. I appreciate your helpfulness and your concern, but most of all thanks for your judgement.

Come on now. Who wants to throw stones at me now? I asked for advice, not your approval.

Sorry about the different username. Every time I typed this up the website logged me out and I lost it a few times to I just created a new user name instead of losing it again.

I wasn't judging. Fortunately or unfortunately when you ask a question on here you get all kinds of answers. But you don't get to determine what answers you do get. That's the way it works.

I also wanted to add when you confronted him he opened up and was honest. From the way you described it, it sounded sincere and as if he was coming clean. He's not perfect and you aren't either. Maybe you should accept his apology and move on from this.

Also working out of town/state for weeks on end can mess with your mind. I spent 2007 working in Cincinnati the whole year and living in a hotel the whole year. I am from Orlando. It did mess with my mind a little bit.

Granted trust issues are difficult to overcome. But I do agree with the person that said your snooping is not going to help him feel better about himself.


Sorry about the different username. Every time I typed this up the website logged me out and I lost it a few times to I just created a new user name instead of losing it again.

Partners are there to support each other... not to snoop on each other.

Absent a partner a person would still have (or at least should have) good self esteme. THink about it... are all the single unattached people completely devoid of self esteme? I think not.

If you don't , you aren't complementing each other... you are doing nothing more than propping each other up. Way different.

Personally I find it impossible to trust a person who is bent on snooping. People that do that frequently have something to hide and assume the other person must too, and they want to get them, before they get got themselves. That's not always the case... but it is quite often.

Me, if I was single... I would send the snooper packing. I feel if I can't absolutely trust them, then I can't trust them at all because I'd never know what they were taking, or carting off when I'm not around. Turn the table around and lets say he is snooping around in all your stuff... in your purse, your dresser drawers, closets... etc. Wouldn't feel so good, would it? Make you think someone should have a search warrant to do that?

I understand that and that's fine, but when the general conversation goes off on a completely different tangent to my concern and is solely directed at villainizing me based off gross assumptions extrapolated from only the details that I felt were pertinent to the situation, rather than any solid understanding of the circumstances or history that led us to this point, I feel that it is only natural and right for me to set you straight. I know that I don't come here to criticize and would rather people keep their opinions limited to what they know.

"You" being general and not specifically you, lol

Again, read my long reply. I wasn't snooping out of distrust. What is with you people?

Trust me, this isn't my first choice as far as seeking advice, but I don't have anybody else to talk to.

Don't get so defensive as its only a conversation to help, and you must admit when it comes to extrapolating its your own fear that made you snoop, and find dirt, that from his words he aborted, but you see it as him chasing women because HIS self esteem is low, according to him.

You overlooked that he aborted and deleted the action and act out of fear, and now neither of you has trust in each other. We don't know him, but we do know what you wrote. My point is that snooping always yields something but the devil is in how you interpret what you find, and deal with it.

I also point out when you had a suggestion to help his self esteem you balked, you didn't want to hear stop snooping and work on your own self esteem, build your own confidence to see yourself and your partner in a truer, different light, and NOT be carried away by your own fear. No doubt this fear was triggered by him being away for so long.

Don't snoop and he won't have to be so insecure about YOU! He ain't stupid, how else would you know he had a weak moment which he overcame and made this insecurity an issue to build more insecurity with? Instead of justifying your snooping (for dirt no doubt), express your fear, and add how hard you are working on overcoming that urge to give in to your own insecurity.

Then maybe you can acknowledge at least he overcame his urge to feed his own insecurity, and be grateful instead of AFRAID he is chasing women. Nobody trusts a snoop, would YOU? Get real with yourself, and that's the best help you can give your partner. Resist those emotional negative impulses.

And forgive the strangers who point out the obvious.

Even if you are not a snoop, that's exactly what you wrote without the detail of shared computer so what the freak are we supposed to think of you? All this started over a piece of paper in a lint trap?

Again, read my long reply. I wasn't snooping out of distrust. What is with you people?

Trust me, this isn't my first choice as far as seeking advice, but I don't have anybody else to talk to.


When snooping becomes an option at all... then the party is over and its time for everyone to go home... figuratively speaking.

Its one of the more self destructive acts a person can do to a relationship.

View it this way (its hypothetical) ... We are dating, you imply I did something... you go snooping behind my back with the intentions of proving yourself right. You find nothing... but I discover you were doing it... you come to me gleefully proclaiming you found I wasn't doing anythign after all.

My reaction to that? Gee... did that make you feel better? Hope it did because now you have proven to me what sort of person you are... and I don't have time for people that are so quick to assume things and violate my trust trying to prove I did them. At this point I am righteously indignant.

I don't want to waste my time with anyone I have to constantly prove my worthiness to every day about almost everything.

I don't think you would want to either if it was him that was doing there very same thing to you every time some idea crosses his mind or he hears about.

I don't give my house keys to someone I just met... and I don't trust my entire personal life to someone who doesn't implicitly trust me.

I really don't think most people do either, Except the desperate people that will put up with anything just to say they aren't alone.

If the roles were reversed...I don't think you would be very happy either.

I didn't overlook that point. If I had, I wouldn't have felt the need to include it in my original post. I thanked him up front for being honest with me and its not like I attacked him for it. I said he's human and made a mistake. I know that in the end, he is a person and he can't help but be attracted to other women.What upset me is that he chose to act on it, for however brief. No I didn't immediately let it go because I still had questions that needed answering. If he was looking at engagement rings for me, why would he feel the need to seek out other women? What? Am I just supposed to accept it without being disturbed or upset? The conversation arose late that night and we discussed it the next day over multiple conversations and was resolved within 24 hours, which isn't bad considering that he's out of town and conversation is limited. I don't feel like I dragged it out and I feel like my reaction was normal-we didn't yell, we didn't scream. It started amicably enough but it escalated because I refused to accept "I got drunk" as a reason. Once he finally answered with his concerns about feeling so ugly and insecure, I understood better and the whole tone of the situation changed. Think what you will. I maintain that I don't snoop on him out of habit and until this point I had no reasons to. I have never felt as secure in a relationship as I have with him.

Tell me, how would YOU interpret your significant other reaching out to meet someone on the basis of sexual attraction? Tell me how you think I should've reacted or interpreted that?

Let's not forget-he didn't say he was insecure in our relationship, he didn't say he didn't trust me. My concern is that he describes himself as an "ugly, big-eared, dirty freak". Even if my snooping was rooted in my own insecurity, causing him to be insecure and its all my fault, how does that have anything to do with the fact that he thinks he's ugly? I have never done anything to give him that impression. In fact, I frequently inform him otherwise and make an effort daily to tell him that I value him, emotionally, physically and more.

I kept the description of the situation in the original post brief because for all intents and purposes, I considered it resolved and was more interested in how to help my boyfriend see himself in a better light.

1) I wasn't on his computer, I was on our shared computer which, for the record, is not password protected as I do not have anything to hide and, until this point, I didn't think he did either.
But his email is.

Secondly, he didn't know I had access to his email and prior to this I trusted him wholeheartedly. I never felt any need to question his fidelity. I snoop for another reason entirely.

I am going to say that you need to be honest with yourself. You snooped because you thought he had something to hide. You hoped he was hiding an engagement ring or another pleasant surprise. You didn't trust him 'wholeheartedly' or you would have waited or asked him about the card. You broke his trust by going into his email and reading his mail because you couldn't wait or be open with him about what you found. You crossed a major line and it may have paid off in the past, but it has damaged the current relationship.

Partners should support each other. Part of that support is showing trust.

You both need to work on building it back up. You need to slow down and communicate with him instead of running off and looking for evidence of anything-rings or infidelity or whatever. He needs to look for proactive and positive ways to feel good about himself. Missed connections and Craig's List are not. Going to the gym, working out, taking classes in subjects that interest him, getting a 'make-over', etc. are better ways to increase the positive feelings he has inside.

You both need to work on self-esteem so that you don't jump to the conclusion that you are lacking in some way and so he doesn't feel the need to look for boosts from other people.

As has been said, you can encourage him to feel better about himself, but you cannot make him feel something he doesn't.

One issue that long term relationships run into is getting stuck in a rut. You start taking each other for granted. You let the little shows of affection and attraction slide to the side. Love needs to be fed with words and actions. Love and trust can go a long way toward making a person feel good when they are low.

Give him a hug and then do something together that makes both of you feel good.

Yes, it started over a piece of paper in the lint trap. One that read "Vera Wang Love Collection 18 k white gold with sapphire accents" and had a serial number. I WAS LOOKING BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE BOUGHT ME A ING ENGAGEMENT RING! I was excited! I started a flipping Pinterest wedding board and texted my sister, or Pete's sake! I wasn't looking because I thought he was doing anything. I wasn't looking because I wanted to "catch him" or accuse him of any wrong doing.

So I ruin surprises. You know what else, I read ahead on every single season of Lost on Netflix too. It's just what I do. The serial number was partly worn off, I wanted to see the ring he had picked. Doesn't mean I was hoping to dig up dirt.

Whatever clearly I'm just extremely unreasonable, suspicious and untrustworthy and it's my fault he thinks so negatively of himself. I wonder if I'm abusive too?

I showed him the card as soon as I found it. I left it on the counter. When he asked me about it I told him it looked really important and I didn't want him to lose it. He knows that I know I just wanted to see what he had picked for me.

See, here's a problem,, YOU might consider it resolved and past... but you aren't the only one involved. Its not over until you both consider it over.

If he is thinking about it or stewing over it... even if he doesn't say anything to you, then its not over... If it was me... I'd still be stewing over it. He might be.

On the tail of what you did... I don't think he's going to be receptive to any ego stroking just yet.

Totally hypothetical situation again... he is tcked off over something... he lashes out in a tirade about saggy butt, floppy boobs, celulite... love handles.(even if you could pass as a supermodel)... then a couple hours later he tries to be nice and wants to have sex with you, proclaiming its over and he's past it.. I'm guessing you really wouldn't be in the mood to be touched right about then regardless if he proclaims its over and he's past it. Nor should you be.

Several rules about relationships that are not negotiable.

You are equals... one isn't subserviant to the others demands.

You have to respect each other... including their personal space. Everyone needs their personal space.

You can't build a healthy relationship much less a life together without respecting both of those.

Krissy - I read back through all of your posts (you've been here a long time!) Is this the boyfriend who was dealing with PTSD? If yes, how is that being handled? Is he going to counseling? It's not unusual for PTSD sufferers to have issues with self esteem...

But his email is.


I am going to say that you need to be honest with yourself. You snooped because you thought he had something to hide. You hoped he was hiding an engagement ring or another pleasant surprise. You didn't trust him 'wholeheartedly' or you would have waited or asked him about the card. You broke his trust by going into his email and reading his mail because you couldn't wait or be open with him about what you found. You crossed a major line and it may have paid off in the past, but it has damaged the current relationship.

Partners should support each other. Part of that support is showing trust.

You both need to work on building it back up. You need to slow down and communicate with him instead of running off and looking for evidence of anything-rings or infidelity or whatever. He needs to look for proactive and positive ways to feel good about himself. Missed connections and Craig's List are not. Going to the gym, working out, taking classes in subjects that interest him, getting a 'make-over', etc. are better ways to increase the positive feelings he has inside.

You both need to work on self-esteem so that you don't jump to the conclusion that you are lacking in some way and so he doesn't feel the need to look for boosts from other people.

As has been said, you can encourage him to feel better about himself, but you cannot make him feel something he doesn't.

One issue that long term relationships run into is getting stuck in a rut. You start taking each other for granted. You let the little shows of affection and attraction slide to the side. Love needs to be fed with words and actions. Love and trust can go a long way toward making a person feel good when they are low.

Give him a hug and then do something together that makes both of you feel good.

I appreciate your effort to be the first to actually address my concern. I do try to get him involved in things to improve his self worth. He is a disabled veteran who had hoped to make a career out of his position in the army as combat infantry, but he was injured and made a cook. He left the army a year before we got together. He know works for a utilities company installing sewer and waterline. He's very good at what he does and he works really hard to take care of us, but he tears himself down and feels worthless because he used to think he was doing something worthwhile and now he doesn't. The VA throws antidepressents and other drugs at him, the most recent of which causes GI upset and he's lost twenty pounds on it so he feels even less attractive.I try to get him to go to the doctor about it but he won't. I agree that he would feel better if he did something to better himself, I have tried to encourage him to do ALL of those things-go to the gym with me, take some night classes... he has to go to therapy at the VA and I frequently accompany him to these so that we can learn to cope with his PTSD and other relationship aspects together. I try to encourage him to get involved with a group of his peers for further support but he won't. I don't know how much to push without being overbearing and I know that ultimately he has to want to do it for himself.

See, here's a problem,, YOU might consider it resolved and past... but you aren't the only one involved. Its not over until you both consider it over.

If he is thinking about it or stewing over it... even if he doesn't say anything to you, then its not over... If it was me... I'd still be stewing over it. He might be.

On the tail of what you did... I don't think he's going to be receptive to any ego stroking just yet.

Totally hypothetical situation again... he is tcked off over something... he lashes out in a tirade about saggy butt, floppy boobs, celulite... love handles.(even if you could pass as a supermodel)... then a couple hours later he tries to be nice and wants to have sex with you, proclaiming its over and he's past it.. I'm guessing you really wouldn't be in the mood to be touched right about then regardless if he proclaims its over and he's past it. Nor should you be.

Several rules about relationships that are not negotiable.

You are equals... one isn't subserviant to the others demands.

You have to respect each other... including their personal space. Everyone needs their personal space.

You can't build a healthy relationship much less a life together without respecting both of those.

He is more eager to get past it than I am. Since the ending that conversation, we have been fine and the "ego stroking" is a habit of my daily life, not just when I'm "trying to compensate" or whatever you think it is. Like I said, I try to make an effort to make him feel loves every day, regardless of the circumstance.

Krissy - I read back through all of your posts (you've been here a long time!) Is this the boyfriend who was dealing with PTSD? If yes, how is that being handled? Is he going to counseling? It's not unusual for PTSD sufferers to have issues with self esteem...

Yep, that's the one.

He is more eager to get past it than I am. Since the ending that conversation, we have been fine and the "ego stroking" is a habit of my daily life, not just when I'm "trying to compensate" or whatever you think it is. Like I said, I try to make an effort to make him feel loves every day, regardless of the circumstance.

I hope that's true... I know as a guy... we aren't vocal about everything that bothers us... we tend to only bring up the most important issues... so because we say nothing doesn't mean we aren't thinking about it... but conversely... maybe he did put it behind him. We can only guess. Only he knows for sure if he has or not. You have to use your best judgement knowing him and how he reacts and hope its right.