foolsoul
May 15, 2014, 02:56 PM
I recently broke up with my boyfriend after trying to work through a disagreement we had. We had a long distance relationship (he lives in Austin, TX & I in Ottawa, Canada) & had been dating for over a year. I've visited him twice and he's visited me once (& met each other's families).
We both wanted to live together & considered marriage & applying for a Permanent Residence card (whether he came to Ottawa or I moved to Austin). The process of the applications are lengthy (we thought they both were approx. 2 years if immigrating spouse resided outside the country of application, but it is only about 1 year for US (2 for Canada)) as well as very expensive (we are 24 & 23 yrs old & of modest income).
We were daunted by the idea of being separated for so long (thinking 2 years & neither of us would be likely to obtain a working permit as neither of us have a degree as of yet & they are hard to come by without, we both intend to continue with our school (foreign student fees are beyond our budgets) & we wouldn't have been able to afford healthcare being in each other's respective country).
Despite all that, I was willing to save up & risk jeopardizing my ability to work, education & health (have had some health problems lately) for the time necessary to obtain a green card applying while inside the US (which we thought was possible as it is for Canada but I just realized is not for the US) & would have allowed us to be together & wait time halved compared to applying outside (so we thought it was for the US but is just for Canada it seems). He was willing to do the same to come to Canada, though changed his mind later coming to terms with the practical implications involved.
Talking this over with my folks, they suggested that he move closer to the border to a town in New York state like Ogdensburg (which is about an hour drive from Ottawa) - that way we could see each other regularly & not have to sacrifice our abilities to work & continue school (he wanted to become a vet tech & there was a program at SUNY in Canton, about 25 minutes away from Ogdensburg).
I asked him how he felt about this and he was immediately hesitant. He didn't like the idea of living in New York state. The only reason he gave as to why was that he'd simply feel uncomfortable there. He wished we had an alternative but decided it best to accept waiting for 2 years for a PR card to move to Ottawa (my school & health being the deciding factors and still thinking the 2 countries' processing times and rules concerning place of application were similar). However, after this he started avoiding discussion on planning for our future together. He was justifiably concerned about moving so far from his loved ones (they're in Houston) & loved the city he lived in.
Because of his initial reaction, I was confused. I could not fathom how after talking about getting married & moving so far away from our homes (friends & family) & willing to sacrifice & risk so much (a year without ability to work, a year's worth of education, & accessibility to health care - which I was still intending to pursue if New York was not an option)), he could find the effort of finding work in & relocating to New York & discomfort involved in living there greater than the desire to be together.
This created a feeling that I wasn't worth the effort or discomfort moving there would ask of him. I couldn't get past the fear that he was unwilling to do for me what I would for him, that he could not truly love me if so, & that I would end up sacrificing my love, time, & energy to him in vain as I did not believe our relationship could last if he couldn't reciprocate.
I then started to think back to the several instances of our relationship where I felt I was putting in more effort & was unsatisfied by his lack of. We had discussed and worked on those in the past, but they always reverted to imbalance (as example, always arranging my schedule to talk around his, regardless of life demands).
I kept bringing the subject up & asking him as to how he truly felt about me & what I was worth to him. He assured that he loved me & considered being in a long distance relationship effort enough & thus proof of his love.
I was not satisfied with his answers & felt he could not possibly love me to the extent that I did him (considering the imbalance). After much heated discussion, I decided to end our relationship. He was very upset that I decided to do so & lost confidence in my level of commitment or love for him in doing so.
I realize, looking back, that I suffer from deep (stemming from childhood) issues of insecurity & that they likely played a role in my dissatisfaction with his answers.
Did I act too soon?
Were my fears of his lack of love & reciprocity nothing more than fear?
Was New York an unreasonable goal?
Is it healthy to expect mutual effort?
Was I giving and expecting too much?
We both wanted to live together & considered marriage & applying for a Permanent Residence card (whether he came to Ottawa or I moved to Austin). The process of the applications are lengthy (we thought they both were approx. 2 years if immigrating spouse resided outside the country of application, but it is only about 1 year for US (2 for Canada)) as well as very expensive (we are 24 & 23 yrs old & of modest income).
We were daunted by the idea of being separated for so long (thinking 2 years & neither of us would be likely to obtain a working permit as neither of us have a degree as of yet & they are hard to come by without, we both intend to continue with our school (foreign student fees are beyond our budgets) & we wouldn't have been able to afford healthcare being in each other's respective country).
Despite all that, I was willing to save up & risk jeopardizing my ability to work, education & health (have had some health problems lately) for the time necessary to obtain a green card applying while inside the US (which we thought was possible as it is for Canada but I just realized is not for the US) & would have allowed us to be together & wait time halved compared to applying outside (so we thought it was for the US but is just for Canada it seems). He was willing to do the same to come to Canada, though changed his mind later coming to terms with the practical implications involved.
Talking this over with my folks, they suggested that he move closer to the border to a town in New York state like Ogdensburg (which is about an hour drive from Ottawa) - that way we could see each other regularly & not have to sacrifice our abilities to work & continue school (he wanted to become a vet tech & there was a program at SUNY in Canton, about 25 minutes away from Ogdensburg).
I asked him how he felt about this and he was immediately hesitant. He didn't like the idea of living in New York state. The only reason he gave as to why was that he'd simply feel uncomfortable there. He wished we had an alternative but decided it best to accept waiting for 2 years for a PR card to move to Ottawa (my school & health being the deciding factors and still thinking the 2 countries' processing times and rules concerning place of application were similar). However, after this he started avoiding discussion on planning for our future together. He was justifiably concerned about moving so far from his loved ones (they're in Houston) & loved the city he lived in.
Because of his initial reaction, I was confused. I could not fathom how after talking about getting married & moving so far away from our homes (friends & family) & willing to sacrifice & risk so much (a year without ability to work, a year's worth of education, & accessibility to health care - which I was still intending to pursue if New York was not an option)), he could find the effort of finding work in & relocating to New York & discomfort involved in living there greater than the desire to be together.
This created a feeling that I wasn't worth the effort or discomfort moving there would ask of him. I couldn't get past the fear that he was unwilling to do for me what I would for him, that he could not truly love me if so, & that I would end up sacrificing my love, time, & energy to him in vain as I did not believe our relationship could last if he couldn't reciprocate.
I then started to think back to the several instances of our relationship where I felt I was putting in more effort & was unsatisfied by his lack of. We had discussed and worked on those in the past, but they always reverted to imbalance (as example, always arranging my schedule to talk around his, regardless of life demands).
I kept bringing the subject up & asking him as to how he truly felt about me & what I was worth to him. He assured that he loved me & considered being in a long distance relationship effort enough & thus proof of his love.
I was not satisfied with his answers & felt he could not possibly love me to the extent that I did him (considering the imbalance). After much heated discussion, I decided to end our relationship. He was very upset that I decided to do so & lost confidence in my level of commitment or love for him in doing so.
I realize, looking back, that I suffer from deep (stemming from childhood) issues of insecurity & that they likely played a role in my dissatisfaction with his answers.
Did I act too soon?
Were my fears of his lack of love & reciprocity nothing more than fear?
Was New York an unreasonable goal?
Is it healthy to expect mutual effort?
Was I giving and expecting too much?