For context, I am 21 and my girlfriend is 22. We are both Australian and are both in university at the moment studying Law. We have been together for over 3 and a half years.

Throughout our relationship, my girlfriend and I have been extremely happy. There have been ups and downs, but we have always worked through it. We have always learnt something new from our conflicts and improved out conflict resolution. We have spent a lot of time travelling together during university breaks. We could talk about anything, and we often did. We were really intimate, shared similar hobbies and interests; everything about our relationship was really amazing. Even after three years we were always excited to see each other whenever we did. Ultimately we loved each other a lot.

We returned from our trip overseas about 4 weeks ago. We had gone to Asia and visited countries like Korea and Japan and had an absolute blast. The whole time we really enjoyed each other and the trip; I thought it was a great sign. We had 1 week of holidays remaining wherein we were still really happy. 1 week after returning from overseas, university started again. At this point she started feeling insecure and wanted assurance from me. My girlfriend often feels insecure and usually I hug her, we talk about it and I reassure her. I did the same this time, I figured that she was probably starting to feel stressed because university was setting back in and the carefree life we had been leading overseas was coming to an end; hence some feelings of insecurity.

However on the Monday of the second week of uni (2 weeks ago) she suddenly shut down and closed off all communication. We would be together, and she would look dead and unhappy. I didn't know what was going on, I kept asking her, "are you okay?" "You can talk to me at any time". Sometimes she would say she was okay, and smile and things would be okay and we would be like normal. It all became complicated after that. I became sick on the Thursday with a high fever. I called out to her for support but she was still kind of shutting me off. She said texted me "i hope you get better soon", however it felt like she wasn't really concerned/she was just pretending to be concerned.

On Sunday, 16 March, we met up for dinner to celebrate my 21st birthday (which was on Monday 17th). She took me out for a really nice dinner and gave me great gifts. We were talking again at dinner, and things felt sort of normal. We kept talking and at one point I asked "when do you want to move in together?". I don't know why I asked the question, maybe I was testing the waters to see if things were really like normal. In the past we had talked about moving in together and taking the next step, and we had positive thoughts about it; we had both agreed that we wanted to do it. When I asked that question her face fell, and she said "can we talk about this some other time?". Of course at this point, alarm bells are ringing for me. The past few days she had been shutting me off and avoiding me so I already saw red flags, and then she said that. At that point I felt a sinking feeling, I knew something was really wrong and I really wanted to talk to her about it. After dinner as we were walking around the city, I asked her "Should I be worried about our relationship?". She avoided it again. Eventually we started talking about it - she had been holding certain thoughts and feelings about the relationship the past week to ensure not to upset me on my birthday.

She said many things. She said that she was worried about the future, and worried about how things could go wrong with our relationship. She was worried that things could go wrong regarding our future careers, and that if we worked in the same industry (Law) we might fight and compete against each other, causing lots of conflict. She said she thought she might be too dependent on the relationship. She said that she felt the relationship might be stifling our growth. She said that she felt inherently unsure about committing to her first boyfriend, because typically the first serious relationship doesn't work out (this is both our first serious relationship). She said that she was worried about just being happy with the relationship and sticking with it, and then ending up unhappy later in life.

2/3
At the time I was really not prepared with all these thoughts. And at the time when she expressed these thoughts, they were very jumbled up. I had difficulty talking about these things she raised because I was so upset; it had all come as such a shock considering how happy our relationship had been but 1 week before this incident. She said she was sorry for saying this all on my birthday and 'ruining it', but she said she was relieved to get it out. Personally I didn't care about my birthday the whole time; I just wanted her to stop shutting me out and avoiding me and talk to me! I care so much about her and the relationship, and seeing her so unhappy that week was really upsetting. We were unable to really talk about things properly that night because we were far too upset as she was releasing all this stuff she had been holding back and I was just in shock. We supported each other and hugged, and talked a little about the issues before going home our separate ways.
That night we chatted online briefly. I asked whether she still wanted to come over the next day (Monday 17th, my actual birthday). She said "it depends on what you want, I already said I want you to have a happy birthday". Personally, again, I didn't care! I didn't want her to come over and be upset, I wanted to choose the right time to see each other; i.e. maybe she wanted space. Either way, I decided that we should meet up on Monday so we could talk about everything with clearer heads. We continued talking online about the issues some more, and about the relationship - about possibly breaking up, taking a break, or simply waiting things out. She said that she had been forced into talking about it that Sunday when she wasn't prepared to (because she couldn't hold it in anymore, and because of my question about moving in), and that she hadn't actually thought about things that seriously. She said that she needed to make a decision and that it was her decision to make. She said that she didn't want to break up/take a break, she wanted to have time to think about things and that in the mean time we should just act normal. I said that it would be very hard to simply act normal during this whole thinking process as we will simply be pretending to be happy whilst I am thinking about the lifeline of the relationship and she would be thinking about the problems and issues she had raised, and about whether to break up or not. I said that the pretending may lead us to be even unhappier and that this would make her more likely to want to break up. We did not come to a resolution because both of us were exhausted, both mentally and emotionally so we went to bed and decided to meet up on Monday.

On Monday (17th) she came over to my house and we had a very long chat. We talked a lot about all the issues she raised (as I mentioned before). Her fears about the future (such as working in the same industry), her worries about not being about to realise personal growth and being dependent on the relationship. We talked through it a lot, and were really rational about it. She said she wasn't at all interested in seeing other people, and she still loved me and that personal growth did not mean playing the field/dating other guys for her. I do believe her because I know what sort of person she is like (like me), she is not the type to want to be playing the field and dating around a lot. I said that she might feel like she cannot grow within the relationship, but the relationship can only stifle her growth as much as she lets it. I am generally really open, I want her to be happy, I want to give her as much freedom as possible. And I said that I would support her fully in any endeavour to grow; like if she wanted to go travelling overseas by herself for a few months. I would fully endorse these endeavours to grow. We talked a lot, however even then she said the whole time she wasn't sure. Of course it had only been on day to think about it, so while the conversation was mildly rewarding it did not come to a solid resolution. That Monday we came to the conclusion that we should give each other space. We would only see each other at university and that's all (Tuesday-Thursday) and one day on the weekend possibly. She said she needed time to think about all this stuff and again that we should just act normal until she had figured things out.

Anyway, that leads us to this week. This week we have been trying to act normal. However as I predicted it isn't working, we cannot pretend that things are okay, how could we! I tried really hard to act normal, be cheerful, be positive to make things easier for her. She said that when she saw me sad it made her feel really guilty about having these thoughts, and it affected her ability to come to a decision. So I tried by hardest to act normal, and I was doing a good job of it. However it was like last week, but worse! She was really unhappy nearly all the time, and she wouldn't open up to me or let me in at all.

3/3

We talked very briefly about how things were going with her thinking process on Wednesday; and she then said that she thought that she was thinking that the relationship was not for her, but she was not sure. She said that she thought we weren't particularly compatible, and that we just moulded ourselves to fit each other, and that we could find this compatibility with most other people. I was really shocked! (and hurt). Because we had been going out for 3 and a half years, and had been extremely happy the whole time, I could not believe that we were not compatible and able to have carried out this relationship. And when I think about it, I think we really are very compatible, and I remember her saying so in the past; our relationship was really amazing in the past, we had intimacy, communication, trust, respect etc. We had common interests and we were both open-minded and ready to learn, to change and to improve ourselves. I feel like this whole pretending thing + all the negativity that is affecting our relationship right now is causing her to misconstrue reality, and not see the good things that we had just 2 weeks ago, and how compatible we really are.

I shot her a lengthy email that Wednesday night displaying some of my thoughts; about how she should try to focus on the positive and not get sucked into a cycle of negative thinking. She responded saying that it was a good analysis, and well thought out and she agreed with some things, but she still needed to think about things. We then agreed to talk about everything Sunday night, and we would not talk to each other before then.

Right now it is Friday night (in Australia) and I feel completely miserable. I just can't stand sitting here and waiting for this Sunday night. I've lost appetite and haven't been sleeping. I have just been sitting here in my room, thinking about all the things she said and about all the things in our relationship. It's so hard because we haven't been able to openly communicate about this properly. She doesn't know how she is feeling and needs to think about it, so I am sitting here just waiting for Sunday. I have spent the past days looking at websites like this, and reading about relationships, which is why I am here right now. I am keep thinking about what went wrong and what I did wrong, and qualities about me as a person that she might have an issue with etc. It's just driving me so crazy because it's like I'm on deathrow, waiting to that fateful night on Sunday. I feel regretful as well, because I think what she really needed is space, even if she didn't know it. And I feel so much regret because we did all this pretending which made things worse when if we had just completely given each other maximum space (complete no contact), then things might have been better.

We are yet to have the talk which is coming up. I just want to know how I should approach this talk, what to expect, what I should be prepared for. Sometimes I feel almost certain she will break-up with me, sometimes I have hope that she wants to talk things through, work though it together and come up with solutions together. I feel that the best solution is if she got some space and we had a 1 month break, so she could think about things. But I really don't want to enter into a break while a bad taste remains in our mouth (regarding how unhappy she was this week). I don't want her to approach the break as an absolute and be close-minded about it just because the past two weeks have been unhappy. I want her to approach this break positively, and view it as a chance to grow and also an opportunity to think about the relationship; time to think things over and possibly come back to the relationship. At this point I am just rambling about things that could happen on Sunday, and I just want to know how should I approach this? And how do I calm down before the talk so we can have a rational discussion, because I am going crazy?

Three pages? Can you not put this in a nutshell, really?

Please simplify your question if you want a response. Very few members are going to take the time to read a book before they respond.

This is hands down the longest post I have ever read here. It boggles my mind that you think that more than about 20% of it is relevant, or interesting, to total strangers. Most of it is trivial and wordy.
I'm sorry to say but that makes you seem self centered. Added to that, I found this strangely chilling sentence: 'I shot her a lengthy email that Wednesday night displaying some of my thoughts; about how she should try to focus on the positive and not get sucked into a cycle of negative thinking.'
YOU are telling HER what to do? Wrong, wrong, wrong, and on top of all that, she is not a project in one of your courses. You sound like you are trying to get an A in Relationships 101. You get a D from me.
You are at the crossroads of the relationship, the one where the desire to spend the rest of your lives together is based on LOVE, not just convenience and compatibility. They are secondary to LOVE.

It may be too late - she may just not care about you as much any more, for all sorts of reasons, one being that you are both very young. Once someone falls out of love, there really isn't much chance of going back.

I didn't even take the time to read the 2nd and 3rd parts of the story.

What stood out was they just came back from traveling internationally 4 weeks ago... I'm guessing she learned a lot of things about you in that time she wasn't every enthusiastic about that she didn't know for the 3 1/2 years you have known each other... and its changed how she feels. Traveling is rough for a married couple....its even rougher for two people who really have not learned to work together like only a married couple can. International travel is even harder....doing it on a very tight buget is incredibly stressful if one wants to do something and the other doesn't because they have to juggle scarse resources.

I think that's the key here and everything else is just "window dressings".

If its anything that can be overcome? It all depends on what it was and how important an issue it was to her, and if she can or can't get past it.

Meaning... this is in her hands... and there is really very little you can do. If she wants to move on... then you have no choice but man up and move on as well.

I know the hardest thing in the world to accept is that your long term partners feelings have changed and now she pushes you away with uncertainty. Many of us have been there, and its hurtful, and confusing but happens all the time. I can imagine how you feel now trying to resolve this and get back to the plan, but they plan has changed, and you must change too. I feel she doesn't want to live with you at this time for whatever reason, mostly because reality awaits you both and she wants to explore it alone for a while.

This is where you need to recognize that need, and step back from this impasse, and stop looking to fix it and return to the plan you both talked about. Recognize this current situation is unsustainable, its causing emotional problems mostly for you. She isn't thinking negatively, she is thinking of all the new possibilities you will face. She is also wondering for sure if she is ready for what you think is the plan, and what she wants from the plan.

In short she wants the freedom to work her own plan without thinking of you, and given the circumstances, it's perfectly normal, so really the question is can you lie with her new program, or will you keep trying to fix it, and remain the same couple you have been. If it were me (and was at one time) then you plan your own path and see if she wants to be a part of it.

If she doesn't then you have to accept it. What you have now is the period of adjustment to her changing feelings, fears, and hopes, and dreams for herself. I know what you really want is a clarity to move to the next level, and since none of you wants a deep official commitment then you do as all couples in your circumstance do, you work together, or you work apart. Obviously she isn't ready to walk with you for a while, and no telling if she will. But for your own sake read the handwriting on the wall, and see the obvious changes being made by her, so you have little choice but to let her find her way on her own, and you find your own way without her for the time being.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst, as being a law student you know that the law is subject to change or interpretation, and you have to adjust to it. It's no longer about the plan you both made, its about the plan she is trying to make for herself, and only she can do that. You must let her, no matter the outcome. How many times and how many ways can she tell you she wants to grow on her own?

She will push you away until you get that.

I did manage to read through your blog, mostly, and did discover that you are bossy, pompous, and need attitude adjustment. She probably found this out travelling with you in closer quarters the she ever had to before.

You scared her off; leave her alone and soul search, but she could be gone for good.

I understand why you wrote a lengthy post. You have been with her for years. You both were also very young when you started this relationship. Of course it's upsetting and you feel very hurt. You keep looking at the relationship sites and obsessively analyze what went wrong. For some of us, daily conflicts, etc. chip away at the love that was there little by little. In your case, she suddenly shuts it off without any warning to you. So now you're confused and very hurt. I can understand that.

But from her perspective, it sounds like she has been depressed and unhappy with your relationship for awhile that probably has little to do with what you did or didn't do. You both entered into a committed relationship too young. Now she's thinking of the what ifs, probably after meeting her peers in college and watching what "normal" is like.

The reason I say that is because I got married at 19. Even before then I didn't have the same experiences as my friends. I am still happily married but I've always had this feeling of having clipped wings. My husband took care of everything and while I do like being taken care of, I often feel helpless on my own. Yes, it's my own doing.

I traveled alone to a nearby state for the first time last November. Although we've traveled many times in the last couple of decades, I've never done it by myself. I was a little scared and confused. Fortunately a man was nice enough to help me. I felt like a child. But after that experience I feel more independent and secure because that man was a stranger.

Trust your instinct and take your time to get over the pain. Talk to a therapist, friends, and, finally, write a letter about what you want to say. But don't give her the letter. It's for you to read (and reread) so you can mentally prepare what you're going to say. When she says it's not you, it's me, it's true. She has outgrown your relationship and, sadly, you'll be devastated. Please find a way to achieve closure in your conversation with her. I'm sorry. You're still young, you'll get hurt, but you'll eventually find someone else. You seem like a nice guy to me. Good luck.

Thanks Joypulv for the insight. I know now I shouldn't have sent that email, I was feeling so desperate at the time. We weren't talking and our conversations about the problems showed that neither of us had gathered our thoughts. After sitting down for a while and thinking about it, I really wanted to talk to her about it which is why I sent the email. I should clarify that the email I sent wasn't full of demands telling her to think a certain way. I was really just laying out my thoughts about what she had said, and said specifically "right now our relationship might seem really terrible because of all these negative feelings we have but should try to still stay positive". But you're right, I shouldn't have sent the email and said all that stuff, I should have realised that she needed more space and time.

I'm not sure what you mean about her being a project in my course? And about Love, during our talk we both recognised that we really loved each other. But she said she has to put aside all her feelings, like love, if she is to think clearly about this and make the right decision.

No my young friend, you are still not getting my message.
You are changing a few words around here and there, but the tone is the same: you are trying to help her with her thinking (bordering on doing her thinking for her). You are talking in terms of controlling the situation. She should stay positive, or you both should stay positive - all the same. Full of shoulds! No!
She has to make her decisions. You have to make yours. At the moment, yours are mostly going to be in reaction to hers. And all this 'we love each other' is grasping at straws. That was yesterday. You love her. You don't know what's boiling around inside her. STOP speaking for both of you.

I really do think that she is out of love, but cares about you very much, and can't define what that all means. This is the most common scenario there is, when one person draws away.

All you can do is tell her you love her. THE END. Stop orchestrating!

Thanks tickles for the response! I'm sorry the post is so length, I hadn't slept much when I wrote it so it all gushed out of me like that in such an unordered and lengthy way. I can't edit the original post, should I make a new question? What gave you the impression that I was bossy, pompous and need an attitude adjustment? I have never seen myself as bossy and pompous, I didn't tell my girlfriend what to do and always gave her freedom to do whatever she wanted, and encouraged her to do so. This week I did send that email which in some ways was telling her how she should think, and I admit I was wrong in sending that email. I was just so desperate at the time and wasn't thinking straight.

Thanks smoothy for your input! My girlfriend and I had travelled overseas twice before this trip to Japan/Korea. I agree, travelling is not easy, but both times in the past we managed it really well together, and we came away loving each other even more. This trip to Japan/Korea was probably the best trip together we had. I feel that if she had discovered things about me and she didn't like in the closeness of our trip, wouldn't this have manifested earlier? And wouldn't there be more signs during the trip?

Thanks carolmonroe38 and talaniman for your great advice. I understand she feels that she needs room to grow, that she feels her wings are clipped by being in a relationship. I guess I am having trouble letting go and am still in shock since all of this came so suddenly (at least for me). In the end I think I just have to listen to what she has to say on Sunday, hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Thank you joypulz for the further response. I know I screwed up, the email was all wrong, I was trying to think for her about the problems and I shouldn't have you're right. I was desperate I guess; I really regret having done that and I should have realised that she needed to think about this for herself, without me butting into her thought process.

You are probably right about how she is feeling in terms of love. I do keep speaking in terms of us, and 'we' when I don't know what she's feeling right now and what she's thinking. I'm assuming that this is how she feels because two weeks ago that's what she expressed and showed, which is the wrong thing to assume. I'm stuck in the past. I wish everything could go back to how it was, I know it's such a stupid thing to think.

We are all stupid in love. AGAIN - just tell her that you love her, with a card or letter, not anything digital. Anything else is words words words, too late, too annoying, too confusing. Keep a diary of your thoughts. That way you won't give in to the temptation of thinking you had some new and brilliant thought.

We always blame ourselves when a partners feelings change but seldom is that the case. Being stuck in the past and wanting a return to the good times is also normal, if not reasonable. If today is the day for clarity, just listen.

Thank you so much for the reply joypulv and talniman. An update - she ended up breaking up with me. She said that she felt unwilling to commit because her unhappiness had overridden the happiness now. She said that she had become unhappy because she was too dependent on me for her feelings of happiness and self-worth. She said that she felt like we weren't making progress. She said that she was confused about what kind of person she wants to be and because she was confused she tried to be a good person and do the kinds of things that would that would make me praise her; that a lot of her behaviour was centred around impressing me. She felt concerned that she didn't even know who she was with other people when she wasn't with me.

I understand where she is coming from. I have talked to friends and family and they say that we got together at the wrong time. We were too young, and need more time to explore and understand ourselves. That we spent too much time together and did everything together and never could separate from each other.

Right now I am still pretty confused. Sometimes I feel at peace, and I feel like I have accepted her decision and feel like it was the right choice and I should move on. At other times I am stuck inside my head, constantly thinking about those unanswered questions, about the reasons she gave, about what we did wrong and so on. And I keep thinking it was all my fault and that I am a horrible person.

In thinking about the present, I am unsure what to do. We are in all the same classes at university and we are also in the same team of project consultants. I feel like complete non-contact might be best for a while, but I don't know how we can do it when we are in all these things together. I am also worried that complete non-contact might result in us each resenting each other. What should I do? Should we just be lightly friendly at university when we see each other and check up on each other every few weeks to see how the other is coping?

Friendly but unavailable, as you mourn your loss, cope with you feelings of confusion and begin the task of rebuilding a life that you enjoy without her. Do these things for yourself, and don't try and force friendship because you fear future resentments. She will probably be too busy trying to do the same thing, so focus on what YOU can do for yourself.

She is a big girl and doesn't need your advice or support. It will be hard enough seeing her often in class and on projects, so for now don't socialize. It will only make being without her more difficult as you transition to just classmates, and being emotional tampons for each other. That's the road to false hope and misery and you give up both dignity, and self respect going down that best friends path so soon after being dumped.

Stand for what's best for YOUR healing. Leave her alone as much as possible.

Here's the straight answer - If she wanted to be in a relationship with you, she would be in a relationship with you. She wouldn't be pulling away from you. A healthy relationship does not hold anyone back from achieving his/her full potential. I met my husband and became engaged at 17 years old. We married when I was 19. We both earned graduate degrees, became very successful in our fields. We also have kids and an active social life. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and are looking forward to early retirement. Never once have I regretted a young marriage with my first love. Rather than giving her space and letting her string you along for years, cut ties and move on. There is no point in prolonging this agony.