Hey there,

I know this must be the gazillionst question about someone watching porn on the Internet, but apart from needing some answers I also just need to get this off my chest.

My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years. We have been living together for the past 2 years. At the beginning we had sex all the time and he really did everything to make sure I had a good time every time.

In the last 7 or 8 months though it started getting considerably less. Now we have sex maybe once a fortnight if that. I think we even had a dry spell of 5 weeks at some point. And when we do it, it is all him trying to get in as quickly as possible (I do take a while to 'warm up'), then humping me violently for a minute or two, and then that's it. I have asked him to slow down before, have expressed that I would like to have some fun every once in a while, too. And I know that he knows how to get me off, he's just not doing it. When I want to have sex, I have to start it. If I didn't take the initiative, we'd probably never have sex again.

And now the whole porn thing comes in. I know that he watches porn. Who doesn't? I watch porn from time to time. But it starts to get more and more obvious. Until recently we used the same computer, and often I would find new bookmarks for porn (the websites come up when you start typing a URL in), or whole folders of naked pics right there in the pictures folder, not even renamed or hidden. I have mentioned to him that it makes me feel insecure if I think about him fantasizing about other women and have told him that I found stuff on his computer that I'd rather not see.

I guess what also hurts is what he is searching for: it's always 'skinny teenager', 'college girls', 'tall blonde with long legs giving blowjobs' etc. I am the sporty tomboy type, short hair, down to earth, and he is actively looking at the exact opposite of me. Also all the bookmarked videos etc are soft porn. I guess if he was searching for something like 'hardcore bondage' or something I wouldn't be so jealous because it would be a fantasy he couldn't have with me. But all the blowjob videos, college girls kissing each other - it is a realistic scenario and it drives me mad.
Today we swapped phones (because of a potential car buyer calling while he had an appointment) and, after he had left, when I unlocked the screen to turn the ring volume up I was faced with a porn video. We had just been sitting on the couch next to each other, me writing e-mails while he was obviously watching porn in the middle of the day RIGHT NEXT TO ME. And when he gave me the phone he didn't even care about if I would see it or not.

I'm just so upset and I don't know what to do about it. I have talked to him about how I don't care if he is watching it as long as I don't know about it. So he must not care at all about what I'm saying. At first I thought that maybe there is something he is not getting out of our love life, so I asked him a couple of times to tell me what he wants and all I got back was "no, everything is good the way you do it". Great. Now I am confused and upset, while simultaneously thinking that maybe I shouldn't get so upset about something like porn.

I am not sure what my question here is, maybe just some advice? Am I overreacting, is there something I could do?

Cheers.

Incidentally... bookmarks are NOT adresses that come up typing in a URL... those are a history... two very different things... a bookmark will be under the favorites on your browser.

As far as advice... I think he's ticked off about something. Also... its VERY normal for the excitement of a new relationship to wear off in the 2-3 year point.

Unless he's looking up "prepubescent girls"... then don't worry WHAT he's looking up. I look up Asians... women with big boobs... know why, because its something different... I married petite small breasted European woman... who still looks damn good for her age. Still looks damn good for someone 20 years younger than she is in fact. What I'm saying is it means nothing... do you look and think about hunky actors when you watch chick flicks... like Brad Pitt, George Clooney (or name on of your choice).

Don't lay self esteme issues on anyone else... if you don't feel good about yourself... its nobody else's fault. You shouldn't need constant reinforcement to feel good about yourself. It has to come from within...

So maybe a compromise is getting a second computer for him to use... then you won't have to worry about stumbling across anything? He's an adult. As are you. They don't cost much.

As for the porn, fantasy is fantasy. It is about eliciting a response whether it be a comedy and laughter, a drama and tears or a horror movie and fear. Just because it seems like a more realistic scenario doesn't mean it is anywhere close to what he wants.

I don't think porn is the issue. I think you need to do more communicating about sex and possibly everything else in the relationship. It sounds like about eight months (or more) ago something happened or changed and it is affecting your relationship. Have there been any changes or added stresses? Health concerns including pregnancy scares or erectile issues? Family, friends, jobs, school, etc.?

If you haven't you need to sit down with him outside of the bedroom and talk about what is going on. Listen to him and ask for clarification if you don't understand something he says. Hopefully he will do the same for you. Be honest with him about what has you concerned, but don't confront him or put him on the defensive. Try not to get defensive if he says something that upsets you. If the discussion gets too emotional, take a break, calm down and then continue.

You both do understand that arousal for females begins long before clothes come off. It is also more mental than physical. In the beginning of a relationship it can seem more physical because the anticipation of being together is stronger. If you have been relying on physical stimulation for arousal, he may be feeling like it is a lot of work and is tired of putting in the energy. Work together to find ways to stimulate your mind before you get into bed. Shared fantasy, teasing kisses and glances, little things can add up and might help change his behavior in bed.

What tweaked on me here is how he is approaching sex with you. Get in get r' dun and turn on the sports. What strikes me about it is the complete lack of intimacy about this. Has that suffered as well? This would be hugging, kissing, those little intimate moments. Does it just seem like your roommates that have sex infrequently?

It honestly sounds like he's moved on in the relationship while you're still there. Might not be the case but that's what it feels like.

I don't think porn is the problem. I condone it but not like that. Especially in the public place. I see it more of something private but that is just me. What I am seeing is an outward expression of disrespect on his part towards you. It is almost as if he's trying to get you to break up with him.

As was stated above I would have a long talk with him. See where and what the goals and expectation of this relationship is. As well remember, it isn't bad or taboo to end a relationship because of bad or non-existent sex. This is the person you could be sharing a sex life with for the rest of your days. Is this what you want?

Good luck.

Hey guys,

Thank you for all of your answers. It is always good to hear from someone with a different perspective on things.

I do realize that we need to sit down and talk, unfortunately all of my previous talking attempts were futile. He is not a very good talker and will usually just stay silent or grunt occasionally but won't come up with an opinion or argument or really anything.

We do still cuddle every day and kiss, which confuses me even more in contrast to his lack of intimacy in bed as CravenMorhead pointed out.

I'll try and work up the courage to give a relationship talk another go. As I have moved to his country and have built up my life here for the past year it'll be very hard if it doesn't work out.

We'll see how it goes.

Relax, and enjoy getting use to your new world. Much will be revealed later as time goes so be patient with yourself. Takes years to build a life that you enjoy, and establish communications with a partner. There will be many adjustments to make now that the honeymoon is over.

Relationships should be considerate, give and take, respectful. The ability to communicate, and to allow compromise and change when necessary, for the health and strength of the relationship.

When in your case, your husband is putting his needs (porn) above yours (less porn, more physical intimacy), then there is a problem.

His inability or decision not to be considerate enough to consider that your sexual needs in the relationship are not being met, and sex is more and more infrequent because his sexual needs are being met through porn, then that too, is a problem.

For the sake of argument, let's say sex is becoming a problem. Communicating is becoming a problem. His porn is a part of that problem. All of it needs to be addressed.

I would advise you to consider couples counseling and in that way, you can at least be heard, and listened to. He may not ever be willing to give up the porn, but, if he realizes how this is affecting how YOU feel, he will learn to at least spend more time with you, and less with porn, and have a healthier sexual relationship with you, where you are both satisfied.

To many men, the sexual aspect of their marriage is not compromised when porn is used. To many other men, the use of porn becomes 'the other woman', and erodes the marriage at the most intimate level.

Try counseling.