We have been married for 12 years Recently I had been on an overseas trip and was gone for over a month and when I come back he seems more cheerful, more happier and moreover, open to occasional drinking, which was taboo for him. The actual reason was his newly formed friendship with a female co-worker who had joined work approximately at the same time that I had left for my trip. They are not team mates. This woman is married and has twin girls. I remember him talking about her even on our long distance call when I was on my trip. He also mentions that when they go out for office lunches, she always rides with him in his car. And he says she is more friendly with me than the other guys. I did not suspect anything initially, but then he started talking a lot about this woman and her life. I did not want to act up at this point and gave him a benefit of doubt.

Suspicion# 1. I noticed that he had a couple of pics of this woman on his cell and when I asked him about it... he tells me... oh it's a profile pic from wattsapp and accidentally it might have gotten saved on his cell.

Suspicion# 2. He has saved the woman's name as something else on his cell.

Suspicion #3. This woman was looking for a rental place and my husband immediately found a place close to our townhome community and recommends it to her and praises a lot about our area and what a great school district it is. My husand tells me that they are coming to see the rental property and hence we should invite them over for tea and snacks in the evening so that I can meet her too. He begged me and convinced me to have them over. He tells me to tell her how great the schools are and how safe the area is and to convince them to move in. Although she had come with her husband, my husband was constantly talking with her about how great it would be if they moved in and we all can hang out together and make a great company for each other while her hubby was watching their 2 year old twins.

To my horror, they moved in. I did not like it and then he tells me that he would like it if she carpools with him everyday since they don't have 2 cars and I immediately protested against it and told him that I would not like that and that she should get another car of make some other arrangements. He picked up a fight with me about this and started saying mean things to me. He started comparing me with her and tells me how independent she is and how I am just a housewife taking care of the kids at home.

Suspicion# 4. I noticed he was discreetly texting a lot and when I asked him, he said it was office related. One Sunday morning as he was having his breakfast, I noticed him texting again and he told me that he was chatting with his tennis group. I grew suspicious and checked his messages when in fact he was constanting chatting with this woman. The first sentence in the chat was "You are constantly on my mind" and she replies "Oh really" and then he goes to ask her how she is doing, whether she finished her breakfast and what was she having for breakfast. He then asks her.. when was she planning to invite him over for breakfast and mentions what he would love to have for breakfast and then they go on and on and he tells her he has plans to go to NYC for some show in the evening and asks her what her plans are? I saw about 25 to 30 chat messages in a span of 5 to 10 minutes and this goes on and off through out the day.

I confront him and break down to cry. He became very angry and defensive. He told me that he was only chatting because it was her twin girls birthday and he wanted to wish them. But there was no mention about the birthday wishes at all in the 25 to 30 chat messages. I note down the woman's cell# and try to call her in his presence to ask her what's going on? He yells at me and asks me not to call her and then he leaves the house. I call this lady after he has left and ask her "whats going on" She is speechless and says "its nothing". I ask her if her husband knows about her constant texing my hubby and she says no and then she says "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I will make sure I stop ALL the chats with him". All he has to say is that they are just good friends. I told him to stop talking to her totally and get out of this and start spending more time as a family. He tells me that he will never forget her and that she will always be in his heart.

Now my husband obviously is acting like a fish without water because she stops texting him and he goes and asks her what the matter is and she tells him that I called her and asked her to stop. That night he comes home late and immediately he starts hurling abuses at me and calls me names, uses curse words and threatens me that he cannot harm anything between them. He says" WE'RE JUST FRIENDS". All that I heard from him, I just cannot forget. I could not respond because I was completely shaken and was in complete denial that he could use terms like that for me.

Should I dump him?

Well it seems to me there is enough evidence there of him wanting more from this other woman, and her wanting more from him- her husband was not aware of her 'friendship' with your husband, and your husband thought you were not aware of anything going on, or about to go on, between the two of them.

I think what you did, was nip this in the bud before it was a full blown affair. And I agree with your phone call to her- not her husband. That was up front in my opinion.

Because he cannot admit to his true feelings (she'll always be in his heart, as he said), even though the other woman has stopped with the texting, and he blames you for being jealous, unreasonable, twisting things, etc. he is nowhere near ready to face what he has done, let alone get over this woman, and begin to regain your trust and repair the marriage, I would personally throw the bum out.

I agree. Throw him out but do it slowly and methodically, getting whatever professional assistance you can so you can take him over the coals as he seems to be doing to you.
Get all the documentation possible to take him for all he's worth and might ever be worth. I don't usually support breaking up established families but this guy is a doozie. But, we have only your side of the story and we have no way to know if you have told us the complete story. Not saying that to accuse you of not being honest, but just saying that if there are serious shortcomings on your side which you haven't told us- I would rescind my recommendation.

Yesterday, I told him that I will be moving out in May with our kids and get them enrolled in another school and don't want to continue living with him and then seek divorce. He agreed immediately ! It did not come as a surprise at all to me. I have made up my mind to move on. After a while, he realizes that the kids r going to go away from him and so he comes around and tells me that he doesn't want me to go and he will forget about this friendship. I somehow don't believe him. He wants me here just to be like a maid cooking n cleaning n taking care of the kids while he enjoys outside and comes home to spend time with the kids before they go to bed. For the past 5 months, this is what my life has been. He enjoys the food I cook, but does not talk to me at all. There has been no conversation between us after this episode. I agree he is the earning member of the household and he takes enough pride in that too. I feel like he wants me here only for the kids.. I am confused. I know my decision to move out with affect the kids... Donno what to do? Should I believe him. Next weekend he intends to invite his male colleagues from work for a super bowl at our home and also intends to invite this woman's husband too since they have moved in our neighbourhood. I feel like he is again trying to get friendly with them with a different modus operandi in mind. I donno if I am thinking right? Too confused!!

Thanks Jake2008 n smearcase with ur honest opinions. I have tried my level best to be a good wife to him...I have never cheated with anyone n I cannot do it even to spite him coz I am loyal and will be till the end. But I guess, some relationships r not blessed enough :(

For now, let him have his party, and you make other plans for Super Bowl Sunday. Let the emotional dust settle and see what happen.

You still need professional advice. You are the one who is leaving? Start thinking about how you will prove one single thing about his "alleged" behavior. You have noting to prove anything.
You didn't follow this part of my advice: " Throw him out but do it slowly and methodically, getting whatever professional assistance you can so you can take him over the coals as he seems to be doing to you." Why are you leaving? Read your original post again- "Suspicions" prove nothing. Talk to a lawyer. You have announced your intention to divorce him. He accepted immediately. I am not a lawyer but I think that you are setting yourself up for him to claim that you abandoned him.

Yeah, I understand what you are saying smearcase and I need to get my family members on the same page as I am and see what they have to say too. I need to do it the way you are saying so that he does not point fingers at me later on. For now, going to let the super bowl Sunday pass without any problems as talaniman mentioned and see what happens later. Thanks!


Awesome lines Talaniman "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.

Having a relationship should be a bonus to your life and should not be the only reason to be happy.

Life throws tons of obstacles at couples, if you two are built for greatness, you conquer them together. If you two aren't meant for greatness together, you conquer them apart."

I seriously need to follow this :)

So have you two actully sat down and talked openly about this? You feel like he overstepped YOUR boundaries and it has hurt you deeply. Suggest that this woman and her husband come over for a chat about this because if it continues it's going to break up your marriage as well as interfere with theirs. If you're children are old enough that you can go back to the work force, I'd find employment just in case you are in a divorce situation as most judges will tell you to find one anyway. I think outside employment will put you out their where you are finding new friends. Have you found an outside interest once or twice a week in the evening letting him watch the children while you go do something for yourself. Go the gym wearing makeup and looking hot... that should get his attention. All I'm saying is bring some excitement back into the marriage and if he doesn't bite then it is time to move on. Give him an ultimatium once you've done the above that you two go to a few counseling sessions or your gone. Apparently, he doesn't have a clue what is going to be missing. Good luck.

Thanks for your response ValColgain ! Yes, I did try talking to him openly about all these things, but he is constantly in denial about any wrong doing and he calls me narrow minded. Another shocking revelation is that recently I found emails on his office laptop that dates 4 to 5 years back from his previous workplace. He has saved all the conversations and chats with another female co-worker at that time. He has done the same thing before and this is the second time he is repeating it at this new workplace. I have read all the chat sessions and nothing is work related, just fooling around mails, meeting up for dinner after work, coffee sessions at dunkin donuts etc. Again, when I confront him, he is in denial and says that "This is the modern work culture, You have to be social". I don't understand! Is it that I am over reacting? I have saved all those emails as evidence against him. Lately, he has been trying to be nice to me and even got me roses on Valentines day and took me out for lunch en all... but somehow, I have lost the trust factor and am not able to enjoy his company any more. My younger kid is in Pre-K and planning to join work next year when he is in Kindergarten... willl start working part-time and see how it goes. Also, ValColgain, I understand what you are trying to say that I should dress up and alll... I do all that, I am big time into Pilates, cardio, aerobics and gym. I am in shape and not bragging... no one believes me when I say I am a mom of two. But lately he started coming home late and I could go to my gym class at 7:30 P.M... :( I go occasionally for ladies night out . These little things keep me sane after all. The day, I dress up hot , he is extra sweet and touchy and all... but I can't sit like a model at home 24/7 for him to be nice to me and not cheat on me. I have given him an ultimatum and he knows I am serious about it. I am just hoping that he turns around and stops goofing around. Time will tell sooon!