Hello,

I met my gay guy best friend about two years ago. When I met him he just came out to his parents several months prior. His parents are accepting but not supportive of his sexuality and they are still convinced one day he will change and become the son they expect him to be.

Anyway, last year I went to visit him (he lives in a different state) and stayed at his parents house for 3 days (he still lives with his parents). During that visit his parents are just totally super nice and sweet to me. They know that I am married and that I know their son is gay and that we are definitely just friends. However, his dad would me make coffee in the mornings. His mom would serve me breakfast. To be a gracious guest, I helped prepare dinner when his mom cooked dinner. His mom accommodated my dietary needs (I do not eat meat) and served vegetarian everything. It was a very nice visit.

Their son and I had a little break in friendship middle of last year but it was resolved by November. I sent him a Christmas gift and them a Christmas card. A week ago I received a package in the mail from his parents. My friend sent me a gift but this one is something from his parents. It was just a small trinket with a note saying they are thinking of me and remembering my wonderful visit and how it was so nice to meet me. It was sweet really. Then today I received two cards from his parents. One thanking me for the Christmas card (which I thought was what the gift was for) and then a get well card (because I got sick for 3 days a week ago). It was really nice and sweet of them to be thinking of me.

My question is, is this normal? I know that they are just really nice people (way nicer than their son who is my friend) and I shouldn't really be thinking anything but my friends were puzzled why I'm getting stuff from his parents. They think that his parents are hoping that maybe I can convert their son? Or that they are hoping their son is not gay and I'm the girlfriend (eventhough they know I'm married)? I shudder to think anything bad about their sweet gesture but I'm not sure if my friends are right. Is there really more to this than what it seems?

Any input is greatly appreciated.

Stop overthinking this and just accept them as very nice people. They are as normal as a married woman visiting her gay friend at his parents house out of state.

Thank you! I wasn't even thinking anything until my friends started putting stuff in my head. Ok. I feel so much better now that I was correct all along, that they are just being nice and not read into it like what my other friends were suggesting.

I would be more concerned about what my husband thought than my friends. I would hope that he knows more than your friends do about this particular friend and his parents.

His parents might hope that encouraging you to be part of his life influences him to be a well-rounded and more mature person. You don't say why he is still living at home or what the ages involved are. But they could harbor some hope you will encourage him to get out on his own.

Perhaps they like you and feel like you are or could be considered an acquaintance if not a friend.

My husband is OK with it, he was more amused that my friend's parents seem to be nicer than my friend. My friend has temper issues sometimes and I am one of the few who can tolerate his mood swings.

I visited him last year because he called me getting all depressed about his life. He begged me to visit because he missed my company. I had to ask my husband for permission, of course, and once he agreed I flew there to visit because I was being a good friend.

My friend is 28 and I am 30. He is still living at home because he likes to work seasonal jobs and in between season he comes home and lives with his parents.

I never thought of it that way, but you might be right regarding his parents thinking about how I might influence my friend's life for the better. Most of his friends live the same lifestyle he has, in that they work seasonal jobs and then come home to the parents when the job runs out. However, I have a very stable and financially secure job that allows me to travel. I do encourage their son to go after jobs that are more financially stable than "fun but no security" as he is not getting any younger. Maybe I have been a positive influence in my friend's life (atleast I would like to think I am).

I am thinking of sending them a thank you card for the gift and acknowleging the other cards they sent.

Thank you for your input :)

"one day he will change and become the son they expect him to be."

Wow. I hear what you are saying but that sentence really makes me sad.

It makes me sad too because they are very nice people but my friend says they are still hoping that some day he will change and turn away from his "sinful" lifestyle. He says that's what they call his sexuality (they are deeply religious).

We've had many discussions about this as my brother is gay, my family is Catholic and we've welcomed him and his boyfriend with open arms. So it was sad for me to hear when my friend says his parents won't let him bring his boyfriend (when he had one) home to meet them.

It cracks me up that deeply religious people reject gay people and rejecting gay people is something Jesus would never do. One of my goals on here especially with young people struggling with who they are is to have them see that being gay is just a very small part of being a person. People hear "gay" and that is all that person becomes. I can't imagine rejecting a family member for any reason.

Yeah that's sad, but I didn't always bring the current dates home either, but getting out of the house was a priority back in the day. A steady job paved the path for that. I don't criticize your friend, but at some point you have to be independent of your parents to do your own thing your own way under your own roof.

His parents have set boundaries in their home. It is what it is.

I agree with what you're saying Oliver2011. My brother had a difficult time coming out to us because he's concerned due to our religion. But when he did all I told him was that he's still my brother and him being gay doesn't change that. My entire family felt the same way about him. He's still family. Nothing changed.

That's how me and my friend got close because he said not a lot of his friends accept his sexuality when he came out. I'm the only one he can talk to about his love life . So whenever we hang out he feels so free about gushing over the cutie next table and not worried about how I would react.


Talaniman, that's why I have been encouraging him to get a stable job so he can move out of the house and do what he wants to do and be with whomever he wants to be with.

He was upset about his parents not letting him bring his boyfriend home to meet them because when his brother was still living at home they would allow his girlfriend to spend the night over. To him it seemed double standard as all he wanted was for them to meet his boyfriend and they refused but they allow their other son to have a girlfriend sleep over.

It is there home, double standard, yes, but not to someone with specific moral values that gay lifestyle is wrong. They are accepting of his lifestyle but only to a point. They understand he is, but do not wish it bought into their home.

Again, it I their home, and their rules. If he wants his life style his way, he needs to move out and get his own place

Talaniman, that's why I have been encouraging him to get a stable job so he can move out of the house and do what he wants to do and be with whomever he wants to be with.

He was upset about his parents not letting him bring his boyfriend home to meet them because when his brother was still living at home they would allow his girlfriend to spend the night over. To him it seemed double standard as all he wanted was for them to meet his boyfriend and they refused but they allow their other son to have a girlfriend sleep over.

Some people will never accept it. That is their choice and it is their house. He's done his part by telling them he's gay. It is got to feel weird in a house when your lifestyle is not accepted. His self esteem will probably grow if he leaves the nest and becomes independent.

"His parents are accepting but not supportive." I think I know what that means because a friend of mine established a similar standard with his son, after his son came out. In my friend's case, the son was welcome at home but could have no male friends visit their home. The result is that their son never visits their home even during major holidays.

Accepting but not supportive is an oxymoron. His parents like others seeing and knowing that a member of the opposite sex comes to their house with their son and they want to encourage more of it. That's the impression that comes across to me, and I may be biased due to the way things works with my friend.
"hoping their son is not gay and I'm the girlfriend (eventhough they know I'm married)?" Yes, even though you are married--a married woman leaving her spouse for someone else??-that would never happen (not!).
I think that the only positive factor with what you are doing is making it easier for your friend to visit with his family. And that is no small thing.
"My question is, is this normal?" Absolutely not. But, if your spouse (children?) is okay with it and you have told your them everything you have told us, I guess it's not presently a problem but it isn't accomplishing anything in a permanent way.
And, are you certain there isn't more than just a friendship planned by you? His parents could be forming their impressions based on the impression you give them. Good luck.

It is a double standard and that's very sad. He is lucky to have a friend to get him through this, but his temper isn't motivating him to build his own life it seems, rather than changing others. It's a challenge he has to rise to. A friend can only do so much.

I do agree it's their house and their rules. I feel sad for my friend that he had to live under such circumstances but I've told him over and over to get a job and move out. I'm hoping that at some point he'll realize that his seasonal jobs are just not going to cut it especially if he wants to be independent and be able to do what he wants to do.

Smearcase, oh no definitely no other plans outside of friendship on both sides. When I visited him and spent time with his parents I told them about myself but also talked about my husband a lot. They know that I'm happily married. I made it very clear that their son and I are just friends and will always be just friends. :)

I really appreciate all the input from everyone. It's nice to hear different perspectives especially from people that I know will not be biased. Thank you :)


Talaniman, yes he has temper issues. This is why we had a break in our friendship. I can only tolerate his temper tantrums for so long. He had this problem with his jobs too so sometimes he gets in trouble. I told him that he needs to really, really think about things he says when he's angry because he can never take it back once said.

He's been pretty good lately about his temper (no temper tantrum in over a month now I think... ) Now I am just hoping that he gets a steady job so he can move out of his parents house and be independent.

Talaniman, yes he has temper issues. This is why we had a break in our friendship. I can only tolerate his temper tantrums for so long. He had this problem with his jobs too so sometimes he gets in trouble. I told him that he needs to really, really think about things he says when he's angry because he can never take it back once said.

He's been pretty good lately about his temper (no temper tantrum in over a month now I think... ) Now I am just hoping that he gets a steady job so he can move out of his parents house and be independent.

You do sound like an awesome friend. Where do I get my own FHag (sorry if the term offends anyone - it is the term though).

Your friend is 28. He should realize the damage a bad temper can do to many aspects of his life. Obviously if he gets involved in a relationship the partner shouldn't ever put up with that. I know I wouldn't.

[You do sound like an awesome friend. Where do I get my own FHag (sorry if the term offends anyone - it is the term though).

Your friend is 28. He should realize the damage a bad temper can do to many aspects of his life. Obviously if he gets involved in a relationship the partner shouldn't ever put up with that. I know I wouldn't.

Thanks! I try :)
No, I'm not offended by the term (not sure about other people). We talked about that before and I said as long as he doesn't think I look like a hag we're cool :)

I reminded him that too! That no guy would put up with his temper if he doesn't control it. I said it's OK to be honest and speak up what you have in mind but there is a time and a place and the proper way to do it where your point gets heard instead of your temper tantrum. :)

Again the moving out might help him growup a little more. So will losing a few guys over his temper. My boyfriend and I haven't really had our first argument yet so we are on the other extreme of not normal. :)




Thanks! I try :)
No, I'm not offended by the term (not sure about other people). We talked about that before and I said as long as he doesn't think I look like a hag we're cool :)

I reminded him that too! That no guy would put up with his temper if he doesn't control it. I said it's OK to be honest and speak up what you have in mind but there is a time and a place and the proper way to do it where your point gets heard instead of your temper tantrum. :)

Oliver2011, I agree! He really needs to be independent and start growing up.
He lost so many guys over his temper that I started teasing him that I'll be charging an hourly rate whenever he calls about his broken heart. (I won't lol)
I'm glad you and your boyfriend are doing well. I think arguments happen but it will be nice to avoid it when at all possible :)

First off his parents are doing what more people should do, acknowledge a gift. Sending thank you notes and cards is practicing good manners. By all means acknowledge you received them and thank them.
Your friend needs to grow up, get a steady job and move out. Maybe his parents aren't treating him fairly, or like they did his brother, but it is not an easy thing for a parent when you know your child's life will not be easy. Be that as it may, he needs to get himself together and get a life. His parents will adjust and will feel better knowing that he can take care of himself.
By the way, it is not only religious people who have a problem with Homosexuality.

Homegirl 50, I am sending them a thank you card acknowledging the gifts and the cards. They are very nice people and very gracious hosts. I am glad to have met them. I was not thinking anything malicious of it until my well meaning (but sometimes too overthinking) friends started commenting about it.

As for my friend, I have been on his case to get his act together. Currently he's not so fond of me because I have been a little bit more pushy but I just tell him I'm practicing tough love and telling him things he didn't want to hear but should hear. Hopefully, he'll come around :)

As far as the issue of homosexuality, I know that not just religious people have a problem with it. I think it's going to be polarizing topic for an undetermined amount of time. I am at the mindset of respecting people's opinion regarding the topic whether I agree with it or not. I just stated that his parents are religious in my post because that is the situation in my friend's household.

:)

UPDATE:I have decided to take a break from our friendship. We had an argument two days ago because he is planning to go to a ski resort this weekend. If his financial situation is any different I wouldn't even care. However, he borrowed money from me to pay some of his credit card bills just last week so to hear that he is going to a ski resort this weekend with some friends after he borrowed money from me to pay his bills is just not sitting well with me. When I brought it up that maybe he should not be spending money he doesn't have he just totally blew up on me (temper tantrum to the maximum level) and sent me really hurtful text messages about how lousy of a friend I am not wanting him to enjoy life. So I've had it. We'll probably make up at some point but I can only help a person who wants to be helped. I can't make someone grow up. And I don't deserve the hurtful accusations hurled at me. He needs to deal with his temper issues on his own.

It is best that you leave him alone. You have done more than your part. You have been a good friend

Thank you! Yes, I think some time apart will be best for both of us.

Katy, I think you are a very strong and loyal friend. It takes a lot to step back and let a friend hit rock bottom. But it sounds like that is what he needs. He won't get help or make any changes as long as others support his current behavior.

I applaud your choice and strength. I know there will be some second guessing of the decision. It is normal. You care. But remember it is best for both of you. Enjoy your life.