My husband has been working for the same company for since 1991. Since 2005 he interviewed (in a team) and hired a younger unmarried woman. She was hired and subsequently got married.

He has never mentioned this woman to me (although he talked some about the other women in his office(s)). She is not that attractive but much younger than me (about 17 years). I am a person who is confident with my looks and my desirability... so I infrequently am jealous or on alert.

What put me on serious alert is he never told me about her. Even though he worked extremely close with her and subsequently she got put into HIS managerial positions as he himself plunged ahead to the front office.

I have seen her recently. She looks like a stripper. Her hair is blondish and sticks out like Rod Stewarts and her clothes are tight fitting exercise type the female version of Richard Simmons spandex clothes,, nothing in her look would say she is in management. Nor does anything in her look says she is discreet in this type of dress in any way regarding alluring men in this construction industry.

My husband hid her from me from 2005 - 2011. He had been deleting phone calls from his work phone with her. Now, he has gone past our agreement in 2011 and conversed with her in emails, phone calls, and private meetings that were focused on her or nothing to do with the nuts and bolts of construction. Two months ago I found out that he has been asking her to interview in his departments and he typically sits on her interview boards.

I am not threatened by her. She is plain Jane... and married. But, I am threatened by what he has done. Hid parts of her. For 8 years. And gone everso against our agreement to have no contact --other than construction talk... etc. He has allowed her to come to his office and complain or whatever about her immediate supervisor and talk about her trouble with children, etc. He did not ask her to leave. There are plenty of converstations that I will never know about. I just purchased a house and he told her our new address. He tells her where my grandchild goes to private school and on on since our agreement in 2011.

He in my opinion has not lived up to our agreement and does not take the agreement seriously or the fact that he hid a women that he has worked very close to in the past 8 years. Now, she is driving his company car... cause he is in the front office and she has his old position. What should I do? I want to leave him... but other family members will be crushed.

I am puzzled by YOUR observations and feelings on this. He could easily have deliberately not mentioned her for the reason that he knew that your hackles would be up in a flash, because of how she appears. As for interactions outside of an agreement, it is virtually impossible to have a managerial position and keep to a rigid set of contact subjects. Not one thing you have said leads me to think there is anything to be suspicious of, nor to divorce over. And you are the one writing the report, so it's your slant on things.
I think if you proceed with jealousy, that you are throwing away a good thing.
I am not you, and I'm not even there, so that's just my humble opinion from a distance.

Unless you have worked many years, I don't think that you can realize that the workplace is a sort of family (and he's been there 22-23 years!) with buddies and sisters and brothers and best friends. Yes, sometimes romances, but mostly harmless flirting, because smart people know better than to get romantic. AND you don't have proof of romance. It's possible that she is really good at what she does and is a breath of fresh air in construction. It's possible that you could ruin his career and your marriage and the children and finances and the whole ball of wax for NOTHING. Please don't assume unless you KNOW.

I agree completely with joy - what exactly has he done wrong? You mention quite a few times about an 'agreement' from 2011 - what was this? Also - just to clarify, you're upset that she is driving 'his company car' - do you mean his old company car? Why in the world is this a problem?
....Now, she is driving his company car... cause he is in the front office and she has his old position.....

I see nothing but jealousy through assuming and presuming at this point, and sorry, not to be harsh, but you seem to be on a very bad course with no facts. Is there another problem at home that needs solving, or is this you trying to find the reason for unexplained changes in the marriage?

Please help me understand these concerns. I would sure come down from this high alert without something more concrete than this agreement you have not explained very well. There has to be more to this than a co worker.

For him not telling you much for the past years, you certainly know a lot. Part of the title of your question is "...is husband trying to cheat? "
In 8 years around her, it would be likely that he would be past the trying stage if there is anything to your concerns. Have you had any real indication of cheating in those 8 years? Unexplained absences, neglect of you by him, unexplained expenses etc?
"He has never mentioned this woman to me (although he talked some about the other women in his office(s)". He must have mentioned her more than "never", if you know the history so well. I am not belittling your concerns here, but just trying to understand the details better because as joy said, there are a lot of ramifications and there still could be nothing significant going on here.
You purchased a house and not WE purchased a house-- not following that too well-?
Do you both read her emails, or just him? The car possibly went with the position because his old position has duties in the field?
I worked in construction for 40 years, in the field and in offices and have seen relationships certainly develop into something, and an equal number where spouses suspected something and caused a ruckus that was unwarranted, but had lasting effects on all individuals involved. Maybe you have seen concerns from your perspective that we can't see as clearly but the bottom line for me is- you haven't made your case well enough for recommend that you to destroy your family.

I said he was deleting phone calls from her from his work phone. He said he was guilty for taking her calls and not answering mine ---even though it was not work time. I also meant to say that he actually told me he hid or from me... purposely not telling me that the house "I" bought (with my money) was near her family. He also did not tell me that another woman in the office that dressed like her... differently he always talked about her... so if there are two stripper looking women (middle-aged) not young women; then why does he hide one and not the other. It isn't about the image. He has not taken assignments because women are good looking to him and he is afraid to be alone with them. This is what he tells me to make me think he is thinking more of them then he should. He is trying to make me jealous. But as I said I am confident... he is the one with the problems with being with women, attractive or not. He was molested as a child and shown very hard core pics of women. I believe it plays into his ability to hide and sneak and play games with my mind about women. He did it his entire child hood hide, sneak and play games with inappropriately dressed women.

So you KNOW he is cheating?

As is often the case on this site, a question is asked that can only be answered based on what is presented. You are now telling us about some important facts from his childhood. But it's all still strangely disconnected from what appears to be suspicion that just doesn't have facts behind it. We are talking YEARS of working with this woman, not weeks or even months. Maybe he does have deep seated problems with being sneaky. Yet what EVIDENCE is there that this sneakiness, and deleting messages, and not mentioning her, is anything more than a need to make you jealous? Which it's clearly doing.
It sounds like you both need counseling, alone at first and then together. IF you can afford therapy. If not, get marriage counseling, which is together and very different from therapy. There is no taking sides. It's fast and short, and teaches you to communicate with each other in productive ways.
You are digging a grave for this whole family if you don't. Because for the last time - you have no proof.
I suppose you could hire a PI to tail him for 2 days.

Why would a guy want to make his own wife jealous?

"I said he was deleting phone calls from her from his work phone." Was it about something important on a const. site for the next day? Not very good evidence without facts.
"He said he was guilty for taking her calls and not answering mine ---even though it was not work time." Not good, unless real emergency.
"he hid or from me... purposely not telling me that the house "I" bought (with my money) was near her family." Why wasn't it a mutual decision? Did he have any input at all?
And if he had said- 'You know my coworker's family lives right around the corner.' You could just as easily used him saying that against him, couldn't you have?
The stripper looking women" - I ain't touching that one. I didn't think ladies were supposed to talk about other women that way. What does a stripper looking woman look like anyhow?
"not taken assignments because women are good looking to him" Some spouses would appreciate that I think. I did though have an employee beg to be let out of an assignment because of what his wife would think of him being near an attractive female employee, and we let him out of it, but that's not always possible.
"He is trying to make me jealous." What do you think his goal is with that? Maybe others can make more sense of all this with the additional detail. (tal beat me to that question)
If he doesn't like being around good or not so good looking women, isn't that a good thing in relation to your concerns?
So far, one thing that definitely makes him look bad (a pretty serious one in my opinion) and he had no defense whatsoever? If no defense for it, will he change that policy?
But. is it enough to cause you to end the marriage and the impacts on the family which are sure to come? Still not cut and dried in my opinion.

Thank you everyone... I am reading what you are saying... and taking it to brain and not just heart. He had a college girlfriend... (NOT)... he put pics of her and told his roommates that they were going steady. He would visit her in this time even though she was engaged about to married. I met him the year he got out of college, he would not tell me where he had been when we were apart. The only reason I found out is our bank statement showed he was out of town during a time I was out of state. So after inquiring about the activity in another town he finally told me he went to see her. He did not tell her we were engaged, together, or that he had any relationship. So yes you are all right --you don't have enough information and I don't know where to start. I am confused because the golden nugget would be if he admitted to me why he didn't tell me about the nice woman at work. And, YES there are stripper looking women. I use to babysit for one when she worked at night. She would drop her kids off and the entire street would be ablaze. Men looking out there doors... She was HOT. So yes, women can say stripper looking.

What is your description of 'stripper looking'?

And, I am not prying, but are there different nationalities involved here, or different cultures between your husband and you ?

Tacky clothes for the situation your in. for instance, I had a college professor who came in with colorful boxer shorts (in abnormal Psch). He said this would be acceptable if he was a young student coming to his class... but not considered accepitable for him as the teacher. Stripper clothes are akin to cone shaped bra type tops with peek a boo holes and hanging from the center... and maybe a beautiful tail made out our real leopard skin... I don't know, I understand what you are saying... and that is not the hangup... unless that is really his hang up... he just might fall for the cuddly animal attire--I don't know... but whoever said it is right... if he would just let me know why he kept her secret... I could process this with his help. But, he only admits to keeping her secret and but refuses to say why.

I'm still finding a strange disconnect in your stories. Who cares what went on in college, long long ago? And after college, you were engaged but went out of town, and he went off to see the woman he apparently was infatuated with but couldn't have, and she was engaged too? Perhaps he wanted to get some sense of final reason, or to get over her, to tell her he was engaged too.
I realize that you feel that there is this huge 'thing' we don't get, and you are right - I don't think any of us get it. I think you are not understanding that marriage does change after all the years you've been married. You allow for some leeway! If you don't, you are almost guaranteeing it's ruin. Yes, sometimes it goes too far, but it can do that anyway.
I still think you need therapy, and I rarely say that here.

I bet anything he does without your permission pisses you off and this is his way to stand his ground. As a guy you come off as overbearing, as you emphasize buying a house with your money and he contributes nothing and must be kept on a short tight leash.

You talk like he is a possession or a pet, and anything he does better meet your sharp eyed scrutiny and approval. You hold him to an agreement you crafted for your benefit, and there is hell to pay for any unauthorized deviation. I believe he is tired of going along with your program, and has done so more in self defense to avoid being attacked by you.

You have said nothing good about the fellow, and already have one foot out the door. Go ahead, kick him out and let his homely sluts take care of him. No need to keep looking for approval to your plan from strangers.

I don't know if he's cheating, thinking of cheating, making you jealous or what...but after reading this, I can definitely say that if I was in his position and you were acting this way towards me, you'd be pushing me right to her...or at least to be on my own.

Wow, talaniman said what I couldn't say. And odinn7 clinched it. Sorry.

Here is a possible avenue to take, that might ease your mind a bit. I'm thinking a lot of your turmoil is about a woman you've only been able to judge through appearance pretty much, and it's time to put this all to rest.

Ask her and her husband, over for dinner. Nothing fancy, maybe a barbecue. Allow time for you and her maybe setting the table or fixing the salad together- just to talk about general things and see if you can pick up what kind of person she is.

She could be friendly, helpful, intelligent, kind hearted, and not at all nervous about being in the same room as you, or you and your husband and her husband.

If she is nervous, or huddles with your husband and whispers, or gets drunk, or slobbery, well, you will have some indication that she's not feeling very comfortable.

Otherwise, I agree with Odin and Joy an Tal. My perception of all of this is the same as they've wisely stated.

no... see I will be honest with you... I resent him! I gave up my job as a statewide administrator to run after a stripper, prostitute, a pitiful person who goes from relationship to relationship, paid or not, sometimes many in the same night looking for something to fill the massive holes in her lost soul. She was beautiful young girl. Smart. Sassy. Alluring. Has a singing voice to woe all. While I was out walking the railroad tracks in the dead cold of winter nights to watch for any signs of a very special child running out in the night. I spent years giving up my life to collect evidence that my grandchild would not be safe in that life. Without adequate hearing I went into dangerous places- risking my life in abandoned buildings with structural damage as if bombs had obliterated them. Hung out in drug zones where people are so damaged that there are no loyalties to their families or friends. Its all about one more "f--- or high".

As he was home living his fantasy world with his stripper looking friend by his side everyday. Promoting her, grooming her, and eventually catching her in his proverbial cage.

I resent him for going after 'that look' ----or the possible lifestyle----that I fought to keep my grandchild out of. He is against what I stood for.

My grandchild is safe today. He kept his precious job as I ran from one drug den to the next --in-state out-of-state... He would show up at court and look like the big family man but merely putting in his required 'public' time. As I did all the dirty work... risking my life, giving up my career... for just one precious child to not live, get lost and die in a drug den. Im no hero I am just a person who would lay down to bridge the gap so you could be safe, too... I had to save one family member from being abused in a world filled with the perverted
Sexualization of women, children---objectification of humans is what is/will destroy any morality left in any of us----and it will and has killed a lot of people since the beginning of time.

This is making less and less sense. You gave up your career to run after a stripper - your grandchild? And somehow this is connected to the woman at work who you think looks like a stripper, and somehow that is further proof that your husband is involved with her? And you have not one thing to say to Jake's excellent suggestion?

This is sounding more and more bizarre.

Soooo you chose to leave your job to help your granddaughter with her struggles, and are now upset because you feel like your husband is drawn to the type of woman you were trying to prevent you granddaughter from being? If that is the case, then wow. By 'wow' I mean how dare you judge a woman you know absolutely nothing about except for clothes she wore on the few (2? 3?) occasions you saw her. If you saw me right now, (t-shirt with long sleeved shirt underneath, jeans, slip on loafer type shoes with no socks) you might think - huh she's not dressed very professional, must not care much about her job, and you would be wrong, it's casual Friday. If you saw me over the week-end (old jeans torn at the knee, tie-dyed shirt, ratty old sweatshirt) you might think - huh, she looks like a stoner, she needs to get a job, and again - you would be wrong, I just bought my very own house (with my own money because I'm single) and was painting the mother loving bejesus out of it and didn't want to wreck my good clothes. My point is - you know nothing, nothing about her and have created this imaginary persona of a 'stripper' based on an outfit you saw her in. You, my dear, have too much time on your hands.
... living his fantasy world with his stripper looking friend by his side everyday. Promoting her, grooming her, and eventually catching her in his proverbial cage....
Promoting her for what? Grooming her for what? How the heck is she 'caught in his cage'? I wonder if the fantasy world is actually where you're living?

no... see I will be honest with you... I resent him! I gave up my job as a statewide administrator to run after a stripper, prostitute, a pitiful person who goes from relationship to relationship, paid or not, sometimes many in the same night looking for something to fill the massive holes in her lost soul. She was beautiful young girl. Smart. Sassy. Alluring. Has a singing voice to woe all. While I was out walking the railroad tracks in the dead cold of winter nights to watch for any signs of a very special child running out in the night. I spent years giving up my life to collect evidence that my grandchild would not be safe in that life. Without adequate hearing I went into dangerous places- risking my life in abandoned buildings with structural damage as if bombs had obliterated them. Hung out in drug zones where people are so damaged that there are no loyalties to their families or friends. Its all about one more "f--- or high".

As he was home living his fantasy world with his stripper looking friend by his side everyday. Promoting her, grooming her, and eventually catching her in his proverbial cage.

I resent him for going after 'that look' ----or the possible lifestyle----that I fought to keep my grandchild out of. He is against what I stood for.

My grandchild is safe today. He kept his precious job as I ran from one drug den to the next --in-state out-of-state... He would show up at court and look like the big family man but merely putting in his required 'public' time. As I did all the dirty work... risking my life, giving up my career... for just one precious child to not live, get lost and die in a drug den. Im no hero I am just a person who would lay down to bridge the gap so you could be safe, too... I had to save one family member from being abused in a world filled with the perverted
Sexualization of women, children---objectification of humans is what is/will destroy any morality left in any of us----and it will and has killed a lot of people since the beginning of time.

I am confused if your grandchild is the female you are referring to or if that person is/was the child's mother. Regardless, the grandchild was being put in bad situations so you gave up your job to get evidence to help her. And you resent your husband for keeping his job, keeping a roof over your head/house for you to return to, food in your mouth and probably paying for lawyers and legal costs. Didn't his job make it possible for you to help your grandchild?

Frankly, I think you need to get counseling. I am not saying you are crazy or anything along those lines. I do think you have a lot of anger and resentment clouding your thoughts and perceptions. You are judging a woman you don't know by the actions of your husband and her choice of clothing. You are cramming her into the same box as the person who hurt your grandchild. That is not fair to her. It isn't healthy for you and the people you care about including your grandchild.

You need to handle your anger before it completely destroys you.

I hadn't been following this thread closely the last few days and was surprised to see the last post by dontknowhattodo. There seems to be no end to where all this goes, deeper and deeper all the time.

Cat1864 summed it up very precisely in the last post:
"Frankly, I think you need to get counseling. I am not saying you are crazy or anything along those lines. I do think you have a lot of anger and resentment clouding your thoughts and perceptions. You are judging a woman you don't know by the actions of your husband and her choice of clothing. You are cramming her into the same box as the person who hurt your grandchild. That is not fair to her. It isn't healthy for you and the people you care about including your grandchild.
You need to handle your anger before it completely destroys you. "

Please follow that advice and get some direct professional help.

I'm very happy for you that all your hard work with your grandchild worked out. More than not, people do not go through hell like you did, to save her. Way above and beyond, and you deserve at least some acknowledgement for the sacrifices you made.

It speaks to what kind of person you are too, which is a good one.

I can see now a few parallels between the life of your grandson's past, and your husband's interest in people who resemble the woman you think your husband is interested in.

Are you afraid to lose him down a familiar path? One that you have lived through once before? Do you feel that he needs to be rescued from what lies ahead because of his association with this other woman?

During the years that you were working to save your grandchild- the way your husband just showed up to make it look like he was also a participant in what you were doing, and had done- was there a lot of resentment there? Did the marriage suffer more than it appears here? Does him having interest in that 'type' of woman (as you see her) threatening to you because you don't feel you can trust him?

Does he have any idea how you think and feel about all of this?

I think that maybe there is more wrong in the marriage, than there is right. My sense is that something has chipped away at the relationship, and he finds other situations (even just at work) to be easier and more self serving than being a better husband.

What do you think.

Yes, I have resentment for being out on the front lines... risking my life, sanity, and well being while he sat in his plush office with her... promoting her into his past positions and idolizing her as a female.&nbsp; I think he did not tell me about her... because she does (in only some ways) everso respresent the world I had to fight in to save my grandchild.&nbsp; if it is true that I am mad at her/him&nbsp;&nbsp;--in look only-- like others say in their posts... so be it... HE knows where I have been.&nbsp; He knows that I suffer from some type of trauma from being on the streets for so many years.&nbsp; My grandchild who is a teen now is well adjusted, honor student, and a sense of humor that can send you into a&nbsp;fit.&nbsp; So it has been worth it.&nbsp; The problem did I loose myself in the process... from not seeing who he was or becoming.&nbsp;&nbsp;Was he&nbsp;vicariously getting some kind of thrill living through me and my sordid world of&nbsp;prostitutes, druggies and stripper, etc... &nbsp;I want the respect of my body.&nbsp; I have a very&nbsp;womanly body... everything that&nbsp;a man would fantasize as being the sexiest.&nbsp;&nbsp; I have&nbsp;been told&nbsp;by woman and men ever since 15 years old.. that I had a naturally beautiful body... so I too, no what sexualization of women is all about.&nbsp; first hand.&nbsp;&nbsp; I had to hide my body at many times to stop&nbsp;unwanted ogling in many situations.&nbsp; As I have aged into my fifties&nbsp;I still get it from very&nbsp;young men to old... those looks, those comments, the special attention which I&nbsp;know comes from only my outer self.&nbsp; They are not looking into me.&nbsp; So when my own husband goes for someone who is&nbsp;portraying what&nbsp;I hide... it belittles me to know end.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<br>

This has gone from puzzling to sad. You need HELP.

Are you off your meds or something? Please be honest.

It's been a longer, sadder road than realized from your first post, which may explain some of the confusion.

Because there has been trauma, and danger, and roads travelled that most couldn't even imagine, it would be difficult for anyone, particularly your husband, but anybody else as well, to understand.

The experiences you have had, have left scars. I think what you are left with is a fractured, misunderstood, and confused existence. I'm not going to say you are wrong in how you feel about anything, but I do get the impression that most things in your life- now- are coloured by the experiences of your past. And those experiences have not left you a happier or more fulfilled person, but a person hurting, and alone. At least emotionally.

If you haven't considered counseling, I strongly urge you to. Speak to a professional about ALL that makes up your life because it is all threaded together, and it is puzzling to be able to see what needs to be better understood, and at the same time, what to do to put things in a healthier perspective. Without help, you are most likely looking for answers in a maze of confusing information, that sounds (from the outside looking in) confusing.

I wish you nothing but the best in finding a counselor that will help you sort things out.

Are you a Super Hero?

This went from some question as to whether your husband was cheating or not, up to you being in the sordid underworld of drugs and other crime. The way you write actually sounds like the way Rorschach from The Watchmen talks. I can't seem to make a sensible connection from the way this thread started to where it has gone to now.

Rorschach-This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "no."

I think a large part of it boils down to missing being attractive and desirable, after the seamy underworld. But it's cloaked so deeply in the jealousy of the woman at work that you are lost and confused.

The woman at work is but a symptom of a greater problem and only her doctor can help.

This whole thread is full of badness. And I only hope that others don't have nightmares after reading this craziness. OP needs to be not only counselled, but locked away while doing so. I can only see something murderous happening unless this is done.

I have counseled many battered women in the last 30 years and what you have described is man who is battering by not sharing the closest person in his work relationship. First, I ask you why he does not give you a reason for hiding his close co-worker?

In fear, of eliciting more extreme myopic and very twisted made-for-tv theories from people who have not enough details that they fantasize them and make-up gorey crime- TV fatal assessments. If you re-read this thread closely you will see that I already answered that. To repeat... my husband says "he has no idea why he kept his closest worker a secret from me". He says, "he can't fathom why he would do that to me": keep such a secret for years. The only way I knew about her is (in 2011) I discovered phone calls that he deleted from his phone. That is the first time I heard her name from him or understood that something was not right WITH HIM and details of his work and work relationships became in question with me. He is going to counseling right now and is learning about boys that are sexually molested by relatives that in turn learn to hold secrets in their lives as adults which is a spillover from their very tormented childlife. And, I am going to counseling to find out if I want to stay with someone that lies, conceals, and highly sexualizes women, especially if they dress anyway bit provocative---he was shown hard core pornographic material of women all his child life --- so he does have a hard time seeing women as anything else but sex object no matter what they dress like... but when he see's women dressing in any way provocatively he says he goes back to his child-life and stands still in time. My hurt and anguish is... I do not want him to subject my grandchild to any of this (or maybe even, subject me to it anymore, also.)

Enough!!