Hello folks,

I've perused this website a good bit when it came up in a search for answers to situations like I find myself in. I will try to include only the most pertinent of details that will get the whole picture painted and then I will solicit your advise:

Dated my ex-fiancee for 3.5 years. During that time, we lived together all but the last year. When we met, we both were on hard times but found comfort in one another and we've both pulled out of it while we were together. Teri (not her real name) is in her early 40's and I'm in my late 40's. She has never been married and has no children. I am divorced with two boys, one of which came to live with me while Teri and I were together. He is now 14.

From what I learned of Teri's past, as she relayed to me, was that her childhood was difficult. Her parents are still together but her dad is much like mine was, very tough on her, always pressing her to be better, etc. That I think is a big issue here. With that, Teri has jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, none lasting more than 18 months before I came along. The reoccurring theme was that they would provide her with stability, a home and her dream of having a kid. Teri also has problems holding a steady job and went through several while we were together, including temp agencies. Teri doesn't handle stress very well, and will walk off a job if she can't take it any longer. She will also abandon a relationship if likewise. That part is my guess, she always asserted that it was more often that she was left than vice-versa. Guys would claim that she has a heart of gold but is just to emotionally unstable or what not.

Teri and I began living together almost immediately because of our dire circumstances. Not a good idea, agreed. Almost immediately, we found that I couldn't sleep in the same bed with her because my motion/snoring would awake her and she doesn't sleep well at all. So more times than not, I was in a spare bedroom. We went to a few places as circumstances unfolded and we had a happy place together out in the sticks. Things were mostly good; especially when she was employed. Times would often get difficult however when my boys came to visit every other weekend (before my youngest came to live with us - more later). Teri would do her best to plan activities and often they would go OK, some times things wouldn't go as she planned and she wouldn't handle it all too well. She's not violent or hurtful in that way, just very emotional and it would lead to her bawling herself to sleep. One day at this place, Teri suggested that perhaps we should live apart "so that we could date because we never went through the dating process". That was hurtful because we had fallen in love (I am convinced of her love) and was working my butt off to get us ahead and that seemed like a huge step back; both for the relationship and our finances if we were now splitting them. No, no joint accounts but we pooled funds.

We eventually moved to another rental house in town that she fell in love with. It's a small 2-bdrm, 1 bath affair but she decorated it with love and it was a very warm and mostly happy place. We would spat some and I will detail that later as well. We were sleeping together and going through our daily routines. Then disaster struck (in her mind I believe) when my youngest son couldn't get along with his step dad and he came to live with me. Suddenly, it was the three of us all the time in a cramped house. Teri again tried very hard to keep it happy but many times she would become upset. This was almost always when she wasn't getting 100% of my attention. She would sulk, cry, ask for "a talk" and I got to the point to where it was an annoyance having to drop whatever we were doing in order to give Teri her attention.

We became engaged. My timeframe is a bit off, we were actually already engaged when my son came to live with us. She was so happy and her parents were ecstatic. She began planning the wedding and then during that process my son came to live with us. The tension between us was thick enough that you could cut it with a knife - some times. Other times, very happy and enjoyable. I'm a very patient man and I don't lose my temper (it takes a lot). As a former cop, my skills taught me to de-esculate the situation by replying in a calm manner. That drove Teri nuts as I guess she wasn't getting an emotional tirade out of me like perhaps she was used to (her dad, exes, etc). The lease on the house was coming up and by this time, I was again in the one spare bedroom in bunkbeds with my son. Teri always suggested that "with a larger bed, we could make it work". She also suggested that we needed a larger place, rightfully so. Her dad began sending VA loan info and to be honest, my credit was wrecked in my divorce and Teri was in between jobs as usual and so we had nothing saved. There was no way to buy a house. So we looked for rentals but were either turned down or just didn't find any. I become despondent and depressed at the rejection of finding a house and that comment about moving out always stuck in my head. I think that I questioned her long-term thought process on all of this. I also pictured myself on one corner of the house and her on the rest of it. I stopped looking altogether and that was hurtful to her. Sent her the picture that I didn't care for a future either.

So, the option was to renew the lease at the tiny house or have me move out. She desperately wanted to stay in the house at this point and she actually found me a townhome to live in with my son. So we moved apart, yet remained a couple. One that drifted apart as you would expect. Her brother commented to her (she admitted recently) "if you had wanted it to work, you would of figured out a way to keep living together".

Last January, after Teri left the job that I had gotten for her (yet again), I had enough. I told her that I couldn't do this any longer and I called off the wedding and we broke up. That lasted 3 days. I reasoned with her, and in my mind this was true, that this was my last desperate hope of sending a wake up call to her that if she plans to marry, she has to be stable in a job until at least we can get far enough ahead that she doesn't need to do so; if ever that time would be.

The on-again relationship went on for a number of months but the drift was there. We saw less and less of one another and what was daily phone and text messaging turned in to the every 3 day thing. Finally, a few months ago (3, 4?), she said that she needed to move on and that she couldn't talk to me any more and for me to please let her go. I was of course hurt; I love her very much (still) and I could almost see the tears coming through the phone in the text message. Yes, she text messaged a breakup. I "manned up" and said fine, good luck to you, and was actually OK for a while. Then the hurt began to settle in and of course my suspicions that she was dating someone else was confirmed (via a mutual acquaintance). I had always thought that Teri would be there; we had been through so much together, yet now the realization that this was final really set in and I started going through heartache like never before. I wouldn't call but would text (should of called) and asked her to please reconsider, what's going on, etc. She would always respond and always with a "I love you and you will always have a piece of my heart. I worry about you, but please, just let me go". Initially (few days) I did; I respected her wishes but then I thought on it- "I love you but...". How does two people that are in love, practically neighbors (same small town) not try and work through things when the breakup wasn't a "hard" break up. Never a big "I hate you" fight, no yelling, absolutely no physical abuse. Mental abuse, probably with some sharp words. My tongue can be sharp, though I remain very calm.

So I kept texting, and she respond with the same. Then 2 weeks ago, I was in the area of our first rental house and man, I just broke down. I put myself in her shoes and just had a coming to Jesus with myself and realized how I was a poor communicator and I did pull away and how difficult things must have been for her in that cramped house. I let her know, through several text messages how I realized these things, how sorry that I was, how I will learn from this and pick myself up and move on if that need be the case but that I loved her, and she says she loves me and could we please talk? So we agreed to meet for lunch last Saturday. I was very surprised that she agreed to it actually, but we met. And she hugged me and we talked. And reminisced and got teary eyed together. I explained how so sorry that I was for my actions. I didn't try to rationalize them, just explained that I know how I could have handled so much of that in a better way. She asked why was I telling her this now, that this was what she had been wanting to hear from me for such a while now. I asked her for her honesty, was she dating someone else. She cried and said that she was. That he treated her "nice" but that was all the details. I felt a knife go into my heart but kept my composure. I was actually going to surrender at this point but she insisted that we go to the local coffee shop. We did and we talked more, cried, laughed, cried, etc. I gave her some little things that I picked up that I know that she likes and gave them to her. I told her that she will always be in my heart as well and that I am hurting, but I will survive and she said that she has to think about herself at this point and that it is difficult for her as well. We hugged and kissed goodbye.

Pt 2:

And the texting began again immediately driving out of the parking lot. "How good it was to see me and how those things that I told her meant so much to her". We texted non-stop for the next few days and the tone of the text changed from "please let me go" to "this is difficult for me, it's not fair to him and I'm confused, etc". She would pull back "I can't do this, I can't keep texting/talking to you" to "you are in my heart, you will always be, etc". She called from work on her break, crying and said "why did you tell me those things? I am so confused, I hurt" and I suggested that we talk again. Most friends said "don't you dare meet with her, severe it on the phone and move on". I tried to convince myself that was the smart play yet the text "meet me at our old Chinese restaurant at 6:30" came through and I was already in the shower getting ready. We met for dinner but neither had appetites (and I hadn't been eating nor sleeping since Saturday; heartache) so we got meals to go and we agreed to walk downtown. We sat on a bench and we discussed the many wonderful times and personalities and habits that we loved (or that annoyed in a loving way) and then she would talk about the things that had hurt her and she would cry and I would comfort her and only listen. I let her go on, back and forth like that for over an hour. The "new guy" came up briefly and I did suggest that this really wasn't fair to him, how would he feel if he knew this was going on? "He'd be very hurt" was her reply. Again she said that he "treated her nice" and I asked "yes, but are things ok?" and she cried and shook her head "no" and then moved on in topic. Was the "no" meaning "no, don't go there" or "no, they are not going well". I couldn't tell.

Sorry for the novel, now the quandaries (as if you couldn't guess). Texting is daily, constantly, phone calls. That last meeting was last night. We hugged (a lot), kissed (some) and she shared gifts with me that were very personal to us both (one pertained to the engagement). Her texts are now "I will always be there for you" and "you are always my baby" and "yes, I will always be your baby", etc. Still the frequent "this is difficult for me" and "I have to make a decision about my life", that sort of thing comes up.

Where we stand now (after just answering another text from her about "hope" and "I'm here", is that it came up tonight that my son will be with his mothers side of the family on Christmas day. That is not unusual, he goes there every Christmas as Teri and I would spend the holiday at her parents. This year is different and now is absolutely not a good time for me to be alone, droning on things. I immediately texted her with that news and she said "oh no, you can't be alone for Christmas. I am so worried about you. You have to change those plans!". She called me a bit ago, concerned, urging that I cancel his visit or that I don't sit around here alone". Through conversation, it was confirmed to me that the new guy is going to her parents with her this year for Christmas. She didn't say that was the case but there was no denial, only silence that confirmed it. Another dagger in the heart. So, my summation and then my request for your prayers and suggestions:

First, and not mentioned, was Teri's increasing desire to have a child together. We talked about it when we first dated and I confided that a daughter was something that I had always thought that I would have. As time went on however, and we can't afford bills, she's not working, I'm in a new job, etc. the idea of having a child was just out of the question for me and she knew my feelings on that. So I now that she has a ticking clock big time for a one last shot at having a kid and I can almost guarantee you that in her usual pattern, the new guy is offering her a future, a home and a kid and she is all about that. I even told her that and told her that I know her like the back of my hand and that got a tearful chuckle.
So, her issue is the new guy comes through on his promises and I get stability and the baby that I always wanted I'm moving on, got to go with the new guy. Big time that is her dilemma.

And by the way, she's had medical history that makes almost impossible for her to even get pregnant, and if she does at her age and with her medical complications, I would be drastically worried about a) a difficult pregnancy that could be life-threatening to her or b) a special needs child that is going to require more than most families can give as far as emotionally, physically and monetarily. I've let her know my thoughts on that in an email that I'm still hoping for a reply to.

SO (I'm getting there, hang with me!), I see the options and possible outcomes as such:

1. She says " and I love you but... "new guy"I love you, I believe you, I'm letting ".
1A. I move on. I tell her that if that is how it must be, then I will delete her phone number/block it and never answer any form of communication from her again. I must do that in order to regain my sanity and move on.

2. She says " know as of right now that is the case and I'm willing to give this a try".
2A. Ok, yes, this is my wish of course. Issues however: a) thus far no plans to cancel having ".
2A. Ok, yes, this is my wish of course. Issues however: a) thus far no plans to cancel having " with her and her family this year though I can't possibly fathom how she carries it off that things are just peachy (and that brings up the point of her emotional cheating that she's doing on him right now) and b) how would that break up go?

Scenario 1: She texts him and breaks it off. Hey, she tried to do it with me but somehow I don't see it happening here.
Scenario 2: She meets with " with her and her family this year though I can't possibly fathom how she carries it off that things are just peachy (and that brings up the point of her emotional cheating that she's doing on him right now) and b) how would that break up go?

Scenario 1: She texts him and breaks it off. Hey, she tried to do it with me but somehow I don't see it happening here.
Scenario 2: She meets with ", he pleas for her love, makes promises, she bites on that and then tells me to "please let her go", he pleas for her love, makes promises, she bites on that and then tells me to "confusion and love" with her and her family this year though I can't possibly fathom how she carries it off that things are just peachy (and that brings up the point of her emotional cheating that she's doing on him right now) and b) how would that break up go?

Scenario 1: She texts him and breaks it off. Hey, she tried to do it with me but somehow I don't see it happening here.
Scenario 2: She meets with "move on", he pleas for her love, makes promises, she bites on that and then tells me to "P.S" this to death but I'm sure other things will come up that I omitted. Thanks all.

While I feel for you guy, cutting all contact with her is your only hope. You cannot give her emotional stability, and she is evidently a great danger to YOUR emotional stability. She may have helped you through some dark miserable times, but buddy you need a hell of a healing, and rebuilding for you to be happy through being healthy again... without her.

Sorry sucks for sure, but she has more than medical problems and I seriously doubt she ever addresses them. Continued contact in any way will keep you as insane as she is.

You already know all this.

Thank you talaniman, I certainly appreciate your thought on all of this and thanks for taking the time to post.

While trying to be as inclusive as possible the needed details, it's obvious that I have quite a novel there. However, that is nearly 4 years of relationship in short-story form and while it seems like there is a lot of crazy stuff going on, the relationship was very, very loving and stable and calm most days. I've highlighted the "episodes" here and yeah, re-reading it, it does sound like I have an emotional nutcase on my hands. And you may still think that is the case and like I said, I appreciate your thoughts on it and yours may be the wake-up call that I need. Thanks for the message.

P.S. I should add that Teri has been employed by the same employer for almost a year now. She's in an office that she likes and her bio on the company website shows her happy and to have had a promotion already. That was omitted earlier.

The bottom line is she left and is happy, and you may just have to accept that.

Sometimes it is just hard to let go, and letting go is the problem in my opinion.

You have had a history with her, that may have had its good moments, but there was not enough there to build a solid foundation on. It seemed you were always back to square one with her, making sure she was calm and stable, and had what she needed (wanted) to keep the peace. But, her 'love' for you, was one-sided.

She continuously needed to be rescued, and you continually rescued her.

And I think you are waiting to rescue her again.

And that leads me to think that you need help yourself. The relationship with her, did not work out, and never would have, no matter how much you did, or worked, or provided- it would always be something else.

With the desperate situations you found yourself in- employment, finances, etc. and her as well, I'm wondering if there isn't a history in the beginning of the relationship that shaped what was to come. Were there drugs/alcohol issues? Maybe gambling?

In the beginning it seemed you needed her, as much as she needed you, and I'm wondering what brought the two of you together in the first place.

That her parents were thrilled about the two of you getting married, might mean that they were happy that she was finally settling down, and had some stability in her life. I suspect that she had not lived up to not only their expectations, but her own expectations as well. Marriage at age 41 may have meant to everyone, that life was going to mean independence for her and her parents, as well as a solid future for the two of you.

And where are you now. My instinct tells me that maybe you need her, more than she needs you. She is after all, with another man, and has kept a job, and is doing well.

Why do you need her back in a relationship that was not good for either of you? Why do you keep contacting her when she seems to have made it clear that she's happy where she is, and has moved on?

I would suggest that you should think about therapy. Figure out why you are stuck in a place that had no future, and why you feel the need to keep, or regain, what you had. Why you can't let this woman go needs to be answered.

With her history, I suspect that it's likely possible she will eventually wear out the man she is with, and she'll be dialing your number. What are you going to do when/if that happens, is also something you really should figure out, so you don't go down what will become a familiar path.

Therapy will also help you see that what you had, and what you are still hoping for with her, was not love. It wasn't even a stable, loving relationship. It was the two of you needing each other, for reasons you haven't explained.

The 40's is always a good time to take a good long look at where you are, and where you want to go. One thing is for certain, not all of us can sort out enough about out pasts in order to chart a healthier life for the future, without some help and guidance.

That you are willing to settle with a relationship that was not good for either of you, doesn't bode well for a better future.

Why be a safe temporary soft landing place for a person that has a history of running away when things get tough? You have her pegged right, yet continue doing the same thing over and over and expect different results.

She is happy now in her new life, but no doubt will run again when the newness and thrill have worn off. Until she gets what she wants... or think she wants... baby, house, and security. Then she still will run when that gets difficult.

But see this as a chance for YOU to get healthy, and emotionally stable yourself and don't wait for her world to crash. It's enough to clean up your own messes, and leave the ones she has made completely alone, forever. You and your son can grow healthy TOGETHER, and benefit from that relationship being your sole focus.

The bottom line is she left and is happy, and you may just have to accept that.

I'm not convinced that she is happy. If I knew that she were truly happy and was ready to have me gone for good, then I would move on. I was ready to do that. I say that I'm not convinced for a number of reasons:

1. I know her. Like I mentioned, if she has the allure of stability and a future with a someone that she could see herself with, she will go for that. We all look at that possibility but I know that she's found the next "potential and hopefully final" shot at finally getting married and perhaps having a kid.

2. If she were happy, I wouldn't be getting "...And I am here, listening, because my heart is there where you are...with yours still" text messages through out the day.

3. Her face told me a lot when I asked if things were working out with "new guy". It became very sad and she began to cry again.

I just know in my heart that she's rushed in to the next relationship because she has that clock ticking on her time to prove to her mom and dad that she is worthy marriage material and that perhaps she can provide a grandchild for them. That is the key point here.

And she is absolutely torn between going to the past or rolling the dice with "new guy". She's hearing me lament my love for her now (and much in response to her the same) and she is just absolutely split on which direction to go.

Thanks for your reply

You do know what the definition of insanity is don't you? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

This as a dysfunctional relationship from the start. You both moved too fast into the relationship without really taking time to learn about each other.


I just know in my heart that she's rushed in to the next relationship because she has that clock ticking on her time to prove to her mom and dad that she is worthy marriage material and that perhaps she can provide a grandchild for them. That is the key point here. But she's rushed into every other relationship, hasn't she? Also, at her age, bearing a child will be very difficult with some possible serious outcomes to her and/or child.

Sometimes it is just hard to let go, and letting go is the problem in my opinion.

You have had a history with her, that may have had its good moments, but there was not enough there to build a solid foundation on. It seemed you were always back to square one with her, making sure she was calm and stable, and had what she needed (wanted) to keep the peace. But, her 'love' for you, was one-sided.

Yeah, not mentioned were the daily love notes that we would leave for one another, taking pictures together and our day trips. There was a lot of good and a lot of love in the relationship that I think isn't being conveyed here; just my "stress" of the current situation.



She continuously needed to be rescued, and you continually rescued her.

And I think you are waiting to rescue her again. You are spot on there. We talked about that the other day. The time she ran out of gas, the times that I took her to the ER for bladder infections, the times that I filled up her gas tank because she couldn't buy gas. Yes, that was a theme here and I didn't begrudge her for any of it.




And that leads me to think that you need help yourself. The relationship with her, did not work out, and never would have, no matter how much you did, or worked, or provided- it would always be something else.
Yes, we had challenges. She is emotional. I tend to be rational and strong willed. We clashed on some things but I can't stress enough that we never had "I hate you" "f-you", etc knock down fights. She would sulk and I would ignore her and when she is stressed (at work, in a relationship) her fight or flight response is always flight and she would try to run away. Thus the comments about living apart, etc. She would go in to flight mode and try to escape but always to come back... until this last time.



With the desperate situations you found yourself in- employment, finances, etc. and her as well, I'm wondering if there isn't a history in the beginning of the relationship that shaped what was to come. Were there drugs/alcohol issues? Maybe gambling? No, former cop, former Marine and now employed with a large company in a very stable job. My financial difficulties stemed from a difficult divorce and subsequent child support. Absolutely no drugs, moderation on alcohol and neither of us ever gamble.



In the beginning it seemed you needed her, as much as she needed you, and I'm wondering what brought the two of you together in the first place. I had been single for a couple of years and yes, that was a difficult break up too. I was actively dating though and we met online. She had just broken up and at the time was in search of her next rescuer. We started dating and I wasn't her type at first. She always dated the artsy fartsy romantic guys. But we kept dating and fell in love. I began romancing her right from the beginning.



That her parents were thrilled about the two of you getting married, might mean that they were happy that she was finally settling down, and had some stability in her life. I suspect that she had not lived up to not only their expectations, but her own expectations as well. Marriage at age 41 may have meant to everyone, that life was going to mean independence for her and her parents, as well as a solid future for the two of you. Exactly. Her dad is a MAJOR issue in her life and I know that 99% of what is driving her is to satisfy daddy that she is worthy of marriage and perhaps providing a child so that he can finally be proud of her. I can tell you the talks that we had about Teri and the guys she would bring home and her history of job/guy hopping. He liked me because we shared the same political views and had some similar core interests (military, others). I genuinely think that at our first meeting, he tried to warn me off from her. Soon though, he was excited at the future for us.


And where are you now. My instinct tells me that maybe you need her, more than she needs you. She is after all, with another man, and has kept a job, and is doing well. Again, stable job, my youngest son lives with me and we get along wonderfully. My need for is because I love her and my heart is hurting right now. Not that I will just absolutely slit my wrists if/when she does terminate things. I can and will move on if it comes to that. I pray that it doesn't though.


Why do you need her back in a relationship that was not good for either of you? Why do you keep contacting her when she seems to have made it clear that she's happy where she is, and has moved on? See other response. It's not clear to me that she's "happy". I see her as settling because she is running out of time. Her dad is ill and her dream is to have him walk her down the aisle. I think that she'd marry a goose at this point if he would propose and her dad liked it. That said, her heart is with me- per her. She is in the infactuation stage of a new relationship however and doesn't know which way to turn.


I would suggest that you should think about therapy. Figure out why you are stuck in a place that had no future, and why you feel the need to keep, or regain, what you had. Why you can't let this woman go needs to be answered.

With her history, I suspect that it's likely possible she will eventually wear out the man she is with, and she'll be dialing your number. What are you going to do when/if that happens, is also something you really should figure out, so you don't go down what will become a familiar path.

Therapy will also help you see that what you had, and what you are still hoping for with her, was not love. It wasn't even a stable, loving relationship. It was the two of you needing each other, for reasons you haven't explained.. Agreed and am checking with my company for support groups/therapy.


The 40's is always a good time to take a good long look at where you are, and where you want to go. One thing is for certain, not all of us can sort out enough about out pasts in order to chart a healthier life for the future, without some help and guidance.

That you are willing to settle with a relationship that was not good for either of you, doesn't bode well for a better future.I see the relationship as lots of wonderful, happy times. Yes, we came out of desperation initially because of financial issues. I know that initially I was the "next chance at making daddy happy" but we did fall in love.

Thanks for your help, good advice.

Why be a safe temporary soft landing place for a person that has a history of running away when things get tough? You have her pegged right, yet continue doing the same thing over and over and expect different results.

She is happy now in her new life, but no doubt will run again when the newness and thrill have worn off. Until she gets what she wants... or think she wants... baby, house, and security. Then she still will run when that gets difficult.

But see this as a chance for YOU to get healthy, and emotionally stable yourself and don't wait for her world to crash. It's enough to clean up your own messes, and leave the ones she has made completely alone, forever. You and your son can grow healthy TOGETHER, and benefit from that relationship being your sole focus.

That is a very well said and critical point. Thank you, that is going in to my journal of thoughts on all of this as a forever reminder for me.