somber1
Dec 18, 2013, 08:46 PM
Hello folks,
I've perused this website a good bit when it came up in a search for answers to situations like I find myself in. I will try to include only the most pertinent of details that will get the whole picture painted and then I will solicit your advise:
Dated my ex-fiancee for 3.5 years. During that time, we lived together all but the last year. When we met, we both were on hard times but found comfort in one another and we've both pulled out of it while we were together. Teri (not her real name) is in her early 40's and I'm in my late 40's. She has never been married and has no children. I am divorced with two boys, one of which came to live with me while Teri and I were together. He is now 14.
From what I learned of Teri's past, as she relayed to me, was that her childhood was difficult. Her parents are still together but her dad is much like mine was, very tough on her, always pressing her to be better, etc. That I think is a big issue here. With that, Teri has jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, none lasting more than 18 months before I came along. The reoccurring theme was that they would provide her with stability, a home and her dream of having a kid. Teri also has problems holding a steady job and went through several while we were together, including temp agencies. Teri doesn't handle stress very well, and will walk off a job if she can't take it any longer. She will also abandon a relationship if likewise. That part is my guess, she always asserted that it was more often that she was left than vice-versa. Guys would claim that she has a heart of gold but is just to emotionally unstable or what not.
Teri and I began living together almost immediately because of our dire circumstances. Not a good idea, agreed. Almost immediately, we found that I couldn't sleep in the same bed with her because my motion/snoring would awake her and she doesn't sleep well at all. So more times than not, I was in a spare bedroom. We went to a few places as circumstances unfolded and we had a happy place together out in the sticks. Things were mostly good; especially when she was employed. Times would often get difficult however when my boys came to visit every other weekend (before my youngest came to live with us - more later). Teri would do her best to plan activities and often they would go OK, some times things wouldn't go as she planned and she wouldn't handle it all too well. She's not violent or hurtful in that way, just very emotional and it would lead to her bawling herself to sleep. One day at this place, Teri suggested that perhaps we should live apart "so that we could date because we never went through the dating process". That was hurtful because we had fallen in love (I am convinced of her love) and was working my butt off to get us ahead and that seemed like a huge step back; both for the relationship and our finances if we were now splitting them. No, no joint accounts but we pooled funds.
We eventually moved to another rental house in town that she fell in love with. It's a small 2-bdrm, 1 bath affair but she decorated it with love and it was a very warm and mostly happy place. We would spat some and I will detail that later as well. We were sleeping together and going through our daily routines. Then disaster struck (in her mind I believe) when my youngest son couldn't get along with his step dad and he came to live with me. Suddenly, it was the three of us all the time in a cramped house. Teri again tried very hard to keep it happy but many times she would become upset. This was almost always when she wasn't getting 100% of my attention. She would sulk, cry, ask for "a talk" and I got to the point to where it was an annoyance having to drop whatever we were doing in order to give Teri her attention.
We became engaged. My timeframe is a bit off, we were actually already engaged when my son came to live with us. She was so happy and her parents were ecstatic. She began planning the wedding and then during that process my son came to live with us. The tension between us was thick enough that you could cut it with a knife - some times. Other times, very happy and enjoyable. I'm a very patient man and I don't lose my temper (it takes a lot). As a former cop, my skills taught me to de-esculate the situation by replying in a calm manner. That drove Teri nuts as I guess she wasn't getting an emotional tirade out of me like perhaps she was used to (her dad, exes, etc). The lease on the house was coming up and by this time, I was again in the one spare bedroom in bunkbeds with my son. Teri always suggested that "with a larger bed, we could make it work". She also suggested that we needed a larger place, rightfully so. Her dad began sending VA loan info and to be honest, my credit was wrecked in my divorce and Teri was in between jobs as usual and so we had nothing saved. There was no way to buy a house. So we looked for rentals but were either turned down or just didn't find any. I become despondent and depressed at the rejection of finding a house and that comment about moving out always stuck in my head. I think that I questioned her long-term thought process on all of this. I also pictured myself on one corner of the house and her on the rest of it. I stopped looking altogether and that was hurtful to her. Sent her the picture that I didn't care for a future either.
So, the option was to renew the lease at the tiny house or have me move out. She desperately wanted to stay in the house at this point and she actually found me a townhome to live in with my son. So we moved apart, yet remained a couple. One that drifted apart as you would expect. Her brother commented to her (she admitted recently) "if you had wanted it to work, you would of figured out a way to keep living together".
Last January, after Teri left the job that I had gotten for her (yet again), I had enough. I told her that I couldn't do this any longer and I called off the wedding and we broke up. That lasted 3 days. I reasoned with her, and in my mind this was true, that this was my last desperate hope of sending a wake up call to her that if she plans to marry, she has to be stable in a job until at least we can get far enough ahead that she doesn't need to do so; if ever that time would be.
The on-again relationship went on for a number of months but the drift was there. We saw less and less of one another and what was daily phone and text messaging turned in to the every 3 day thing. Finally, a few months ago (3, 4?), she said that she needed to move on and that she couldn't talk to me any more and for me to please let her go. I was of course hurt; I love her very much (still) and I could almost see the tears coming through the phone in the text message. Yes, she text messaged a breakup. I "manned up" and said fine, good luck to you, and was actually OK for a while. Then the hurt began to settle in and of course my suspicions that she was dating someone else was confirmed (via a mutual acquaintance). I had always thought that Teri would be there; we had been through so much together, yet now the realization that this was final really set in and I started going through heartache like never before. I wouldn't call but would text (should of called) and asked her to please reconsider, what's going on, etc. She would always respond and always with a "I love you and you will always have a piece of my heart. I worry about you, but please, just let me go". Initially (few days) I did; I respected her wishes but then I thought on it- "I love you but...". How does two people that are in love, practically neighbors (same small town) not try and work through things when the breakup wasn't a "hard" break up. Never a big "I hate you" fight, no yelling, absolutely no physical abuse. Mental abuse, probably with some sharp words. My tongue can be sharp, though I remain very calm.
So I kept texting, and she respond with the same. Then 2 weeks ago, I was in the area of our first rental house and man, I just broke down. I put myself in her shoes and just had a coming to Jesus with myself and realized how I was a poor communicator and I did pull away and how difficult things must have been for her in that cramped house. I let her know, through several text messages how I realized these things, how sorry that I was, how I will learn from this and pick myself up and move on if that need be the case but that I loved her, and she says she loves me and could we please talk? So we agreed to meet for lunch last Saturday. I was very surprised that she agreed to it actually, but we met. And she hugged me and we talked. And reminisced and got teary eyed together. I explained how so sorry that I was for my actions. I didn't try to rationalize them, just explained that I know how I could have handled so much of that in a better way. She asked why was I telling her this now, that this was what she had been wanting to hear from me for such a while now. I asked her for her honesty, was she dating someone else. She cried and said that she was. That he treated her "nice" but that was all the details. I felt a knife go into my heart but kept my composure. I was actually going to surrender at this point but she insisted that we go to the local coffee shop. We did and we talked more, cried, laughed, cried, etc. I gave her some little things that I picked up that I know that she likes and gave them to her. I told her that she will always be in my heart as well and that I am hurting, but I will survive and she said that she has to think about herself at this point and that it is difficult for her as well. We hugged and kissed goodbye.
I've perused this website a good bit when it came up in a search for answers to situations like I find myself in. I will try to include only the most pertinent of details that will get the whole picture painted and then I will solicit your advise:
Dated my ex-fiancee for 3.5 years. During that time, we lived together all but the last year. When we met, we both were on hard times but found comfort in one another and we've both pulled out of it while we were together. Teri (not her real name) is in her early 40's and I'm in my late 40's. She has never been married and has no children. I am divorced with two boys, one of which came to live with me while Teri and I were together. He is now 14.
From what I learned of Teri's past, as she relayed to me, was that her childhood was difficult. Her parents are still together but her dad is much like mine was, very tough on her, always pressing her to be better, etc. That I think is a big issue here. With that, Teri has jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, none lasting more than 18 months before I came along. The reoccurring theme was that they would provide her with stability, a home and her dream of having a kid. Teri also has problems holding a steady job and went through several while we were together, including temp agencies. Teri doesn't handle stress very well, and will walk off a job if she can't take it any longer. She will also abandon a relationship if likewise. That part is my guess, she always asserted that it was more often that she was left than vice-versa. Guys would claim that she has a heart of gold but is just to emotionally unstable or what not.
Teri and I began living together almost immediately because of our dire circumstances. Not a good idea, agreed. Almost immediately, we found that I couldn't sleep in the same bed with her because my motion/snoring would awake her and she doesn't sleep well at all. So more times than not, I was in a spare bedroom. We went to a few places as circumstances unfolded and we had a happy place together out in the sticks. Things were mostly good; especially when she was employed. Times would often get difficult however when my boys came to visit every other weekend (before my youngest came to live with us - more later). Teri would do her best to plan activities and often they would go OK, some times things wouldn't go as she planned and she wouldn't handle it all too well. She's not violent or hurtful in that way, just very emotional and it would lead to her bawling herself to sleep. One day at this place, Teri suggested that perhaps we should live apart "so that we could date because we never went through the dating process". That was hurtful because we had fallen in love (I am convinced of her love) and was working my butt off to get us ahead and that seemed like a huge step back; both for the relationship and our finances if we were now splitting them. No, no joint accounts but we pooled funds.
We eventually moved to another rental house in town that she fell in love with. It's a small 2-bdrm, 1 bath affair but she decorated it with love and it was a very warm and mostly happy place. We would spat some and I will detail that later as well. We were sleeping together and going through our daily routines. Then disaster struck (in her mind I believe) when my youngest son couldn't get along with his step dad and he came to live with me. Suddenly, it was the three of us all the time in a cramped house. Teri again tried very hard to keep it happy but many times she would become upset. This was almost always when she wasn't getting 100% of my attention. She would sulk, cry, ask for "a talk" and I got to the point to where it was an annoyance having to drop whatever we were doing in order to give Teri her attention.
We became engaged. My timeframe is a bit off, we were actually already engaged when my son came to live with us. She was so happy and her parents were ecstatic. She began planning the wedding and then during that process my son came to live with us. The tension between us was thick enough that you could cut it with a knife - some times. Other times, very happy and enjoyable. I'm a very patient man and I don't lose my temper (it takes a lot). As a former cop, my skills taught me to de-esculate the situation by replying in a calm manner. That drove Teri nuts as I guess she wasn't getting an emotional tirade out of me like perhaps she was used to (her dad, exes, etc). The lease on the house was coming up and by this time, I was again in the one spare bedroom in bunkbeds with my son. Teri always suggested that "with a larger bed, we could make it work". She also suggested that we needed a larger place, rightfully so. Her dad began sending VA loan info and to be honest, my credit was wrecked in my divorce and Teri was in between jobs as usual and so we had nothing saved. There was no way to buy a house. So we looked for rentals but were either turned down or just didn't find any. I become despondent and depressed at the rejection of finding a house and that comment about moving out always stuck in my head. I think that I questioned her long-term thought process on all of this. I also pictured myself on one corner of the house and her on the rest of it. I stopped looking altogether and that was hurtful to her. Sent her the picture that I didn't care for a future either.
So, the option was to renew the lease at the tiny house or have me move out. She desperately wanted to stay in the house at this point and she actually found me a townhome to live in with my son. So we moved apart, yet remained a couple. One that drifted apart as you would expect. Her brother commented to her (she admitted recently) "if you had wanted it to work, you would of figured out a way to keep living together".
Last January, after Teri left the job that I had gotten for her (yet again), I had enough. I told her that I couldn't do this any longer and I called off the wedding and we broke up. That lasted 3 days. I reasoned with her, and in my mind this was true, that this was my last desperate hope of sending a wake up call to her that if she plans to marry, she has to be stable in a job until at least we can get far enough ahead that she doesn't need to do so; if ever that time would be.
The on-again relationship went on for a number of months but the drift was there. We saw less and less of one another and what was daily phone and text messaging turned in to the every 3 day thing. Finally, a few months ago (3, 4?), she said that she needed to move on and that she couldn't talk to me any more and for me to please let her go. I was of course hurt; I love her very much (still) and I could almost see the tears coming through the phone in the text message. Yes, she text messaged a breakup. I "manned up" and said fine, good luck to you, and was actually OK for a while. Then the hurt began to settle in and of course my suspicions that she was dating someone else was confirmed (via a mutual acquaintance). I had always thought that Teri would be there; we had been through so much together, yet now the realization that this was final really set in and I started going through heartache like never before. I wouldn't call but would text (should of called) and asked her to please reconsider, what's going on, etc. She would always respond and always with a "I love you and you will always have a piece of my heart. I worry about you, but please, just let me go". Initially (few days) I did; I respected her wishes but then I thought on it- "I love you but...". How does two people that are in love, practically neighbors (same small town) not try and work through things when the breakup wasn't a "hard" break up. Never a big "I hate you" fight, no yelling, absolutely no physical abuse. Mental abuse, probably with some sharp words. My tongue can be sharp, though I remain very calm.
So I kept texting, and she respond with the same. Then 2 weeks ago, I was in the area of our first rental house and man, I just broke down. I put myself in her shoes and just had a coming to Jesus with myself and realized how I was a poor communicator and I did pull away and how difficult things must have been for her in that cramped house. I let her know, through several text messages how I realized these things, how sorry that I was, how I will learn from this and pick myself up and move on if that need be the case but that I loved her, and she says she loves me and could we please talk? So we agreed to meet for lunch last Saturday. I was very surprised that she agreed to it actually, but we met. And she hugged me and we talked. And reminisced and got teary eyed together. I explained how so sorry that I was for my actions. I didn't try to rationalize them, just explained that I know how I could have handled so much of that in a better way. She asked why was I telling her this now, that this was what she had been wanting to hear from me for such a while now. I asked her for her honesty, was she dating someone else. She cried and said that she was. That he treated her "nice" but that was all the details. I felt a knife go into my heart but kept my composure. I was actually going to surrender at this point but she insisted that we go to the local coffee shop. We did and we talked more, cried, laughed, cried, etc. I gave her some little things that I picked up that I know that she likes and gave them to her. I told her that she will always be in my heart as well and that I am hurting, but I will survive and she said that she has to think about herself at this point and that it is difficult for her as well. We hugged and kissed goodbye.