Like I said, she insists on keeping in touch with several of her ex boyfriends. Some of those guys she met online and didn't even date for over a month or just a few weeks. She says that she is not the type to "abando" people and that doesn't understand why I get bent out of shape. Some of them are people hasn't known for over a year or people she dated a few months before she met me and like I said... they dated for a few weeks and didn't work out but still she insists on keeping them as friends. It's not that I don't trust her... I just don't see the point in her keeping them around as "friends" who have never really done anything for her and barely know her. I feel she is chosing them over me. I am at my wit's end, I don't know what else to do to let her know I don't agree with her having those men still in her life.

It's not that I don't trust her..
Then there should be no problem. It's her choice, right?

Then there should be no problem. It's her choice, right?
Yeah, like I STATED before... that is NOT the problem... did I title this, "I don't trust my girlfriend"?. no, so your answer is pointless and you have just wasted your time and my time. Worst answer ever... anyone else?

Yeah, like I STATED before... that is NOT the problem... did I title this, "I don't trust my girlfriend"?
So then why all the arguments to say she should dump them out of her life? You pretty much concluded that you don't trust her.

So then why all the arguments to say she should dump them out of her life? You pretty much concluded that you don't trust her.

I trust her. Period. Get past that fact and look at the big picture or stop posting. What's the point of keeping these dudes around when she was the one who dumped them?

Because it is her life and her choice. Plain and simple.

Because it is her life and her choice. Plain and simple.

Hahaha... wait a second you are just too hilarious. Of course it's her life and her choice, but she also chose to be with me, not them. I also chose to cut all types of comunication with girls I dated because I respect our relationship and I respect her. I told all those girls that I didn't think it was appropriate to keep talking to them because I had found someone. Plus some of these dudes keep pursuing her even after all this time(we've been together for 10 months)... I am coming here in an attempt to do this with some civility but all I keep getting is answers from people that think it's OK for her to do that. I guess I have to get some of my 1%'s and take matters into my own hands. I knew I couldn't rely on other people's help once again except my brothers. Thanks for nothing. Adios.

If you are not jealous then you should have no issues with her choices. If you can not accept them you have some decisions you can make after discussing it with her:
1. Do nothing and accept it
2. Leave the relationship
3. Keep thinking on it and harbor negative feelings for it

Your choice. That is the nice thing about being an adult you have choices but one is you can not make another person change

If you are not jealous then you should have no issues with her choices. If you can not accept them you have some decisions you can make after discussing it with her:
1. Do nothing and accept it
2. Leave the relationship
3. Keep thinking on it and harbor negative feelings for it

Your choice. That is the nice thing about being an adult you have choices but one is you can not make another person change

Finally someone who has something useful to say and consider. Thanks.

I'd still like to get more advice please.

And just for the record I am not jealous but I also do take as a sign of disrespect from these men to keep pursuing KNOWING that she is in a relationship with me. That's what bothers me the most.

I wouldn't let it bother you guy, It's just unnecessary anguish you cause yourself. You can't control her so go with the flow, and if the way she handles things is that hard to deal with, then you leave her to it, and get a better partner. There is always a better partner.

I always took my lady's attention from guys as a compliment that I had what they wanted but would never get as long as I was around. But that takes a cool, calm, collected head, that was always in control.

She must be a cutie pie with a personality that appeal to guys. No biggie, don't sweat it. Enjoy her while she's got you.

Here's the problem with what you posted, and something you don't seem to understand.


Of course it's her life and her choice, but she also chose to be with me, not them.

Yes, she chooses to be with you, and by having friends she's not choosing them over you. She's with you, not them.


I also chose to cut all types of comunication with girls I dated because I respect our relationship and I respect her.

This is your choice. Do you expect her to do the same? That's not giving her a choice, that's making her do what you want her to do, and using the fact that you did it, by choice, to make her feel bad for not doing what you want her to do.


Plus some of these dudes keep pursuing her even after all this time

So? Is she going after any of them? Is she cheating on you with any of them? If not, who cares that they're pursuing her. She can say no, that is her option, and it's the option she seems to have taken.


I am coming here in an attempt to do this with some civility but all I keep getting is answers from people that think it's OK for her to do that

Civility? Based on your replies to the people that took time to answer you question, I'm actually surprised you know how to spell civility, because you certainly don't understand what it means.

You came her for advice, or so you claim. The statement I quoted tells another story. You didn't want to hear what other people thought, you wanted someone to agree with you, to tell you that you're right, and she's wrong. Since you're not getting what you want, you're talking down to the people that are giving you advice.

If you want someone to tell you that you're right, talk to your friends, or your brothers. If you actually want advice, put your pride and your "it's my way or the highway" attitude aside, and actually listen.

Funny thing about advice, you actually have to be willing to listen to it in order to get it.

A relationship is all about commitment and sacrifice. True Love is about sacrificing some of those other things you like for the one you love, for their happiness. That is love. When you see you can't do that for your partner, you LIKE them and Don't LOVE them, and vice-verse. In your case looks like you might be in love with her, but she is not yet in love with you, otherwise she doesn't realize how much it hurts you. Try telling her how much it hurts, and if she doesn't care, make up your mind to give her time o get to love you or hurt you even further if she does not get to loving you, by doing something even more painful.

True love is about communication respect and acceptance of who the other person is. You should never have to change for another person as that is a big sign of a controlling jealous person. As I posted earlier he has numerous choices he can make. His life his choice just as being friends with exes is her life her choice

Talking to your exes is just arrogance and a clear sign of failure to understand what a relationship is all about. If you notice that eating too much chocolate makes you have pimples all over your face, because you care how you look, you will definitely do something about that face you care about. If your partner is affected by something you can actually do without, then why not do something about it, if you care?
It's only natural, and very normal to be worried about your loved one with exes. Can you safely say their memory of their past romantic times just vapor?? People who can't help doing away with their past and focusing on the present for their relationships' sake are normally unsure of themselves but can't admit it.
It's not about how close to the devil you can walk without sinning, but how far away you can stay from that devil.
Selfish people never keep relationships. No wonder why we have so many divorces, and broken homes today. There is always either one person selfish or both!!
Insanity has hit the human race to call what is normal and natural - abnormal! What should be common sense isn't common anymore.

I guess I am selfish and I was married to one man who beat me, was jealous, accused me of stuff I was not doing and forced me to change. Finally escaped from that marriage.
Now I am in a marriage that I am allowed to be me. I am allowed to do what I would like to. I am trusted. We don't make each other change. He has things I don't care for but that is fine. Guess what we have been together since 1990.. but I am selfish as I don't change for him

I have been married since 1983 and never divorced, happy as can be. MY answers lie in Bible principle, I have been counselling couples from my church for 15 yrs now, and have seen marriages work by application of simple bible principle and I have also seen enough homes crumble.
I am sorry if I offended you, all I said was there is either ONE or Both selfish.

I think the commitment between boyfriend and girlfriend is very different than between life partners, and married couples, and this particular relationship is still challenge by them getting to know, and understand each other. They are still defining their relationship. It's clear the conflict is the ideas they both have about where they are at now, two independent, different people who are exploring and experimenting, and getting to know each other and with different outlooks and expectations. There is no melding to form a life partnership, it's way to early for that as they are just seeing if they can get along and be willing to move to the next level of commitment.

Looking at this through the lens of a deeper commitment or marriage is a bit premature at this point, since its just dating exclusively, as they find out if they can deal with the reality of their own individualism at this time. They will either resolve this difference to the benefit of them both and continue, or NOT! That's how experiments go, and not all are successful, most are not.

Obviously they haven't reached that willingness to sacrifice part yet. Or even communicate effectively to get there. They don't even live together, I don't think. So all due respect, this is not a marriage yet.

It's only natural, and very normal to be worried about your loved one with exes. Can you safely say their memory of their past romantic times just vapor?? People who can't help doing away with their past and focusing on the present for their relationships' sake are normally unsure of themselves but can't admit it.
I'm a life-long Christian and have stayed in touch with several exs over the years, mostly because I'm from a small town and their relatives are my long-ago friends -- so I like to know who is sick or who was in a car accident or who had a new baby. My exes and I were always friends first before dating. And this hasn't negatively affected my marriage of over 46 years, so it can work. My husband knows he's the one I parent two children with and make dinner for and run a household with.

***ADDED*** What Tal said.

Dating is about finding out if a person is compatible with you on a deeper than friendship level. It sounds like she has determined that these people make better friends than boyfriends.

Do you really expect her to give up a friend because they had one or two dates?

If you are concerned about someone trying to take her away from you than it is your insecurities that need addressing. There will always be other people around who may show an attraction to her. Some may express it. Most of them will not be exes. Some may not be male. Those people and their words and actions do not matter. What matters is who she wants to be with and for now that is you.

You say that you trust her, but your words and actions don't support that trust. Trusting isn't easy. Having faith in someone is even harder. You have to believe inside yourself that she loves you. That you are the one she wants to build a future with. If you don't have that core belief then she can get rid of the exes, put on the least revealing clothing she can find, never talk to another person, live her life in a tower with only you for companionship (yes, these are somewhat over the top for a reason) and you will still find something to be insecure about. If you have that core belief then you won't care who she has as friends because you know where her heart is.

To some love means giving up everything to be with one person. They believe love means turning their life upside down if that is what the other person wants. But relationships cannot work that way because it puts a lot of pressure on the individuals to be something/someone they aren't. It turns partners into martyrs or less than equals.

Communication and compromise are needed. Understanding that making changes is a personal decision. Being forced or coerced into making a change can cause the person to rebel and lash out at the person demanding the change.

One other thing I find interesting is the value you seem to place on friendships. You seem to think these people aren't her friends because they haven't done anything for her or she hasn't known them as long or as well you think she should before calling them friends. It seems she may be more open to accepting others in her life than you are. Do you have a check list for who is a friend and who isn't?

Men and women are never just friends. Even if your girlfriend has no feelings for these guys, then they do and will seize any opportunity to get close to her. Men will not tolerate a woman who they don't find attractive in some way. What's the point? And I really don't see why a woman would want to hang out with an ugly guy. Some women crave male attention to bolster their low self-esteem. The argument they will use every time will focus on her 'right' to have friends and to try and make you look unreasonable for not wanting her to. Don't fall for it.

Good grief! Of course they can be! I have scads of male friends who have never hit on me or even alluded to anything beyond friendship. And my husband's female friends have never flirted with him or pushed the envelope.

I am a female and I have many male friends. We frequently go out for breakfast after a long busy night shift at the hospital.

There is nothing wrong with male/female friendships as long as there are boundaries and I think that is what this relationship is lacking. Boundaries.

Zeaos01 just put it as it is, No gloves on the matter!

I have friends that are women. Some are hot, some not. I don't pick my friends based on how they look. I have been friends with one woman in particular for many years now and yeah, we're just friends...nothing more. She wants nothing from me and I want nothing from her other than friendship.

It IS possible for men and women to be only friends....you must live in the dark ages or something...or you're about 14 or 15 and think you have it all figured out.

Obviously some can do it, some cannot. Back to the OP, its your choice if YOU can accept your female and her beliefs or NOT. Or if you are both willing to try a reasonable compromise. That's where long term relationships are built, how you deal with each other, no matter the issue, or conflict.

Married 38 years, and been through MANY conflicts and issues, and still ready for whatever life throws at US. Most things in life are only as big an issue as you make them.

Men and women are never just friends

Really? Never? That's a pretty bold statement. I'm married, happily, have been for 18 years. I have many male friends, and my husband has female friends. They are just that, friends.


Even if your girlfriend has no feelings for these guys, then they do and will seize any opportunity to get close to her.

Oh, and she's a brainless woman that can't say no, she has to give in because they're men? Is that it? They'll seize the opportunity to get close to her, and because she's just a woman she won't be able to make up her own mind about that?


Men will not tolerate a woman who they don't find attractive in some way. What's the point?

So friendship is all about how someone looks. When you make friends you only care about their outward appearance? That's possibly the saddest thing I've ever read on this site. Sad for you, because it's what you believe. What a twisted way of thinking you have.


And I really don't see why a woman would want to hang out with an ugly guy.

Again with looks. So the only way to measure the worth of a person is by how they look? If they're not attractive you want nothing to do with them, don't want friendship from them?


Some women crave male attention to bolster their low self-esteem.

Some women do. Women with very low self esteem sometimes do do this. But that's not all women. Some men do the same thing, but not all men. Sad that you're judging everyone based on some.


The argument they will use every time will focus on her 'right' to have friends and to try and make you look unreasonable for not wanting her to. Don't fall for it.

Why did you put the word right in quotations? You don't think women have rights? Don't fall for it? So what's he supposed to do, lay down the law, be a bully, an abuser, tell her that it's his way or the highway? Maybe if that's how he feels he should find a mouse of a woman that still wants to live in the 1800's.

I'm guessing your male, and very young, and not at all wise to the ways of the world. Good luck with the way you view things, you'll be alone for a very long time with your attitude.