Hi, I'm a 20 year old guy and I will try my best to explain the situation.

I've been very close with this girl lately who has a boyfriend. We've been hanging out a lot over the past week (5 out of 7 days) doing all sorts of things - clubbing/road trip/studying together - at all times only 2 of us.

We went out on clubbing (it was a belated birthday promise by her with me) on Friday. We went on a road trip to a book sale on Saturday. On Monday, she starts giving me the cold shoulder treatment. This was on going until we confronted the elephant in the room on Thursday night (through Whatsapp).

She says that lately we have been hanging out a lot lately and that we are getting too close (even as close friends) in her opinion. She says her girl instincts has made her realise that I like her (to which I admit is true). She tells me she is happy with her boyfriend. She says that I was too touchy at the club on Friday and made her feel uncomfortable. She also says she does not want to mislead me.

Points to note:

1. She has never expressly told me she has a boyfriend before. I could never really confirm for sure - I was (and still am) in cahoots with her best friend but only had her word for it. According to her best friend, she never told me until now because the topic never really came up but I beg to differ as we have broached the topic of bf's in general several times. Her other excuse was that 'I thought he knew' since she had a picture of her boyfriend on her phone screen to which I have never seen but apparently it is there.

2. I admit I was a bit touchy to her but that may be because I was raised in a more Western mindset (we are both Asians) and therefore more open. She is also quite shy and conservative. However, the touchiness wasn't just me! She basically one-step short of grinded me in the club for about 3 minutes. She was also very playful when I was texting my friends - by trying to see my texts by grabbing me etc to see what I was texting about - to see whether it was about her.

3. She found out her boyfriend is visiting her from out of town on Sunday. (He is coming on Friday)

4. There is definitely some chemistry/attraction between us from from what I can see. Quite flirty between the both of us at times.

5. My reply to her Whatsapp (summary) - No surprises there (as all attractive girls are usually taken). I have close guys/girls friends that are like us but I understand if that makes you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry for my behavior at the club (I did mention I'm the more open and touchy type) and should have realised that. I don't want our friendship to end because of my dumb feelings and ill get over it. Hope you can forgive me for all the crap I've created.

Her reply (summary) - We still can be friends for sure. I'm sure you will find a better girl. Its OK and sorry for any misunderstandings.

6. She told her best friend that she is distancing herself from me so that I won't fall for her again

7. She has known/suspected I liked her for awhile now (courtesy of information from her best friend and I really don't see how less obvious I can be)

8. She told her best friend that she's close with anyone she hangs out with but I'm like the only guy she hangs out with from our Uni so we can't really compare or judge. However, from what I can see, this is far from the normal friends thing (she has told me very personal stuff she said she has never told anyone before, much less a guy). From what I know of her (shes a very private/shy person) I doubt she gets this close with people much less over just a few weeks.

9. A few more days till Uni is over when we go back for the holidays for 3 weeks.

Questions:

1. If she was so uncomfortable with me at the club, why go on a road trip with me the next day? It was an 8 hour trip all in all; that involved driving/shopping/lunch and it was honestly a lot more fun. We clicked really well (laughed a lot, very personal, etc) and there was nothing to indicate anything awkward. It wasn't an appointment or anything like that - all it was that she knew I was planning to go and I invited her(jn person - it was after our class) at the very last minute to which she said yes.

2. Why give the cold shoulder treatment?

3. What should be my next step?

My Opinion:

She has more or less known that I liker her for awhile but only now decides not to be misleading? I know love is blind - but I don't think that she is the kind of girl who would just keep me around for the attention. More likely, once she found out that the boyfriend is coming, she reevaluated everything and realises that she may have some attraction towards me. She says she's distancing herself from me to her best friend but I think it's the other way around (for if she were to admit her attraction out loud, she would eventually have to face her boyfriend with this issue). Out of guilt, loyalty, respect (or whatever) she then decides that the cold shoulder treatment is the best solution. (This makes her even more attractive for me as it shows what she would do for her bf)

I do like her and all but I just want us to be close friends if that is all I can have and would be best for everyone. We will be going to the same Uni abroad in a year's time so our relationship in the future still remains to be seen. I know I may be completely off on everything/anything so any insight or feedback would be great thanks!

'More likely, once she found out that the boyfriend is coming, she reevaluated everything and realises that she may have some attraction towards me.'

I agree. LD relationships have a huge set of problems (and most of them don't last long). If the boyfriend lived nearby, she would not be out clubbing one on one with a man, period. Trying to just be friends is difficult, with all the opportunities to get too close.

If you really like her, bide your time. Chances are good that sooner or later she will resent waiting for the boyfriend to visit. But don't get so intimate with her either. Keep encounters short and less personal. And remember that chances are just chances - she may stay with him, so don't open up so much that you end up heartbroken.

1. If she was so uncomfortable with me at the club, why go on a road trip with me the next day? It was an 8 hour trip all in all; that involved driving/shopping/lunch and it was honestly a lot more fun. We clicked really well (laughed a lot, very personal, etc) and there was nothing to indicate anything awkward. It wasn't an appointment or anything like that - all it was that she knew I was planning to go and I invited her(jn person - it was after our class) at the very last minute to which she said yes.

You had a good time with a friend. So did she. bet her bf never finds out.

2. Why give the cold shoulder treatment?

Because she has a boyfriend, and at this point she is leading you on and being dishonest.

3. What should be my next step?

Leave her alone. That's what you do when you encounter a person in a relationship

My opinion, if you were not so sprung you would see her dishonesty, in that not only were you deceived as to her relationship status, she was cheating. Think dude, if she would hang out with you while her boyfriend ain't there, she would do the same to you.

Attractions mean nothing when they are cultivated in deception. You admit the deception, so why would you NOT leave. Because you are sprung by this female with the facts staring you in the face. Don't ignore the fact you know what she is capable of or what two females are doing together. They have dragged you into this drama.

That would be foolish. Leave them alone, or be made the bad guy here. They will never admit any wrong doing.

1. If she was so uncomfortable with me at the club, why go on a road trip with me the next day? It was an 8 hour trip all in all; that involved driving/shopping/lunch and it was honestly a lot more fun. We clicked really well (laughed a lot, very personal, etc) and there was nothing to indicate anything awkward. It wasn't an appointment or anything like that - all it was that she knew I was planning to go and I invited her(jn person - it was after our class) at the very last minute to which she said yes.

You had a good time with a friend. So did she. bet her bf never finds out.

2. Why give the cold shoulder treatment?

Because she has a boyfriend, and at this point she is leading you on and being dishonest.

3. What should be my next step?

Leave her alone. That's what you do when you encounter a person in a relationship

My opinion, if you were not so sprung you would see her dishonesty, in that not only were you deceived as to her relationship status, she was cheating. Think dude, if she would hang out with you while her boyfriend ain't there, she would do the same to you.

Attractions mean nothing when they are cultivated in deception. You admit the deception, so why would you NOT leave. Because you are sprung by this female with the facts staring you in the face. Don't ignore the fact you know what she is capable of or what two females are doing together. They have dragged you into this drama.

That would be foolish. Leave them alone, or be made the bad guy here. They will never admit any wrong doing.

I can see where you are coming from but knowing her, she is an intensely private person; her best friend did not know that she liked anyone until they knew each other for like a year. Her FB status until now still remains single. Apparently, she was under the impression that I knew she had a boyfriend which I kind of did, courtesy of the best friend. I forgotten to mention that I am actually good friends with the best friend as well; we have the same classes and known each other equally as long.

I'm not sure whether you have read the whole thing but she did tell me about the boyfriend after 4 days of cold shoulder treatment - she said I know I've been acting weirdly and you probably should know why (this quote wasn't mentioned above though).

Love is blind (yes I know) - but isn't it possible that she was under the impression that we were close friends (a bit far fetched though since she suspected I liked her) and only realised that we were acting more than that/had an attraction (subconsciously) once she found out her boyfriend is visiting? I don't think she was intending to 'cheat' but didn't realise it until her boyfriend's imminent arrival 'shocked' her back to her senses? Ergo, the saying we are too close, I have a boyfriend etc, did not want to mislead you, sorry for misleading you.

Then again, is this even a valid reason?


'More likely, once she found out that the boyfriend is coming, she reevaluated everything and realises that she may have some attraction towards me.'

I agree. LD relationships have a huge set of problems (and most of them don't last long). If the boyfriend lived nearby, she would not be out clubbing one on one with a man, period. Trying to just be friends is difficult, with all the opportunities to get too close.

If you really like her, bide your time. Chances are good that sooner or later she will resent waiting for the boyfriend to visit. But don't get so intimate with her either. Keep encounters short and less personal. And remember that chances are just chances - she may stay with him, so don't open up so much that you end up heartbroken.

Do belated birthday promises count though? I did squeeze one out of her to go clubbing with me and we (only she) invited people but everyone rejected so it was just left with me and her. It wasn't a surprise or anything though as when we left in the cab, we were both fully aware it was just going to be the two of us. She does like clubbing a lot as well.

I have read all your other questions too and you latch on to females way too easily. But just like this post, you add details that are important to bolster your position, and reject the obvious. Why you would not ask a female with a single designation why she says she has a boyfriend, I don't know. And why you go back and forth spouting your personal business with a mutual friend I don't know that either.

You obviously don't have all the details and a lot has been hidden from you. To even get involved in this multi person drama and intrigue is ludicrous since the solution was communicating honestly a long time ago before this big emotional investment.

Step back from this insanity if you are so blinded by the high hopes of love and romance. Why is it you cannot see what her hidden agenda is?

I have read all your other questions too and you latch on to females way too easily. But just like this post, you add details that are important to bolster your position, and reject the obvious. Why you would not ask a female with a single designation why she says she has a boyfriend, I don't know. And why you go back and forth spouting your personal business with a mutual friend I don't know that either.

You obviously don't have all the details and a lot has been hidden from you. To even get involved in this multi person drama and intrigue is ludicrous since the solution was communicating honestly a long time ago before this big emotional investment.

Step back from this insanity if you are so blinded by the high hopes of love and romance. Why is it you cannot see what her hidden agenda is?

Perhaps you are right. The problem is that we are also assignment partners the best friend, her and I (yay more drama) and I've known them for almost a year now. The holidays are coming up so I would have 3 weeks away from this insanity and take time to reflect. I'll keep this updated but for now, thanks for all the help!