Hey you

So here we go... well I've been with my partner for a few years and we are in our mid to late twenties, and about a year ago his parents divorced for some unknown reason. We have been living together for a year now as we obviously want to plan a marriage a long the way, well what my issue is, is his sister, his sister is in her mid twenties and pretty much has a new boyfriend every month. Ever since we have been dating she has always had an issue with me for god knows what reason and I only found out a short while ago from my partners mum. Before then we'd go shopping lunch etc it was always my treat as she never had money even though she works, she never wanted to spend time with myself my boyfriend and her, always cried she didn't want to go and my partner always got upset as she never wanted to spend time with us and it aggravated him a lot to the point where he would call his sister a wh*** and only thinks of her self.

I was always trying to comfort him as best I could as I know the past few months have been rough with his family, well recently out of nowhere she dumps this guy who we assumed was just her s** buddy and becomes all emo and is now coming crying to my partner and my partner is all caring and loving with her telling her she can move into our apartment and live with us... HOLD UP! WTF? Live with us? Mind you he says it to her in front of me so that I don't have a go at him, I told him the other day she is a grown woman who can take care of herself, and she will piss right off when she finds someone new, but supposedly she keeps saying she will kill herself if he doesn't help her. She doesn't want to live by herself anymore (which is a load of ) and the last thing I want is my apartment becoming a w***e house! She has no manners is selfish and rude and cries when she wants to get her way! A spoiled little brat! Her friends cannot even stand her she uses people and once she's sucked them dry goes onto the next but my partner can't see that. I cannot live with her.

I understand helping someone out but if she is that depressed and is going to kill herself maybe she should be in a hospital? Seriously how can I tell her to leave us alone, I can forget about talking to my partner about it he sees his sister cry and he wants to be her hero. I don't want her moving in she has all these pets that piss and everywhere she is a mess. I can go on forever and a day about her but can someone help or give advice? My partner knows how I feel about this already but his excuse is she is my sister what if she kills herself?

The 'rules' are always the same: your issue is with your partner, not your partner's sister. Since you aren't married, you are free to kick him out if it's your apartment, leave if it's his, or contact the landlord that you want out if you signed a lease together (or let your partner know that you won't stand for it and you both have to move out and go your separate ways).
You don't have a right to fight with her, but you do have a right to say she can't move in - unless it's his place and he pays all the rent.
Easy as pie!

My issue isn't with my partner :-/ on the contrary it's her, why would I leave my partner just because of his sister. My issue is her being so bipolar and this will pass like I said she uses people sucks them dry then she's off to the next, how do I go about it though? My partner will get hurt by his own family member how can I avoid it from happening just moving out won't fix the problem that's running away from the issue not facing it and talking to my partner won't work until he gets hurt by her all he see's is his sister being upset. Surely there's a way to communicate to her that if she needs help we'll help but having to be there at all hours of the night just because she is having a moment or driving from one end of place to another just because she says she will kill herself. This is the ridiculous part she is testing her own brother to push him to his limits and because it's family you'd help your own family. I've already said to him she needs medical help psychologists, psychiatrist she needs to be put into a special care facility he agrees but she is to stubborn my only last resort is calling the police on her to say she is endangering her own life if it escalates too much with her threats of killing herself.

My dear, this is yet another problem to be resolved in this relationship. If you and your boyfriend cannot talk to resolve it, set time limits, or boundaries, then this may be the straw that broke the camels back. At least tell her NO PETS, or leave if nobody listens.

The twenties is a rough time and this seems to be a rough relationship. I can only say since you plan to marry, you better learn to deal with his family, and his spoiled sister. You better talk to him and remember they are family.

The issue, is your partner.

What he does, the decisions he makes, how he 'helps' his sister, who he decides to live with, how he spends his time fixing problems with his sister, etc. are all issues you have no control over. He has made it very clear by his own decisions and actions, that his family, particularly his sister, comes first.

She comes first, over your needs and wants, over your objections, opinions, and demands, and obviously all of your legitimate concerns, are only his to consider- not act upon, or make decisions based on.

There is much to be learned here, particularly about your partner and where his loyalties, misconceptions, and ignorance is concerned about how to deal with someone who has some serious problems going on.

He is unwilling, or unable, to live his life without putting his family first. He doesn't seem to offer any compromise, or any weight to your concerns. His sister gets what she wants, because he has decided that's what he's going to do- to 'help' her. You are second fiddle here, and there is now huge wedge in the relationship, caused by his decisions.

She wins.

You can do nothing to change her, her life, or her circumstances. Nor can you influence or should you, members of her family. She is not your concern, particularly under the circumstances you describe.

You are facing an intolerable situation if even half of what you say is true, to have her move in and live with you and your partner. If your partner is willing to disregard you in just this decision, you can be sure, because he is enabling her, that history will continue to repeat itself.

I'd say the writing is on the wall.

The others clarified what I said, only much better.
But I'm not sure you are getting it.

I agree with others. Your partner is responsible for the situation as your partner enabled his sister to be irresponsible in her life.

You are sharing a home. If he respects you, he should have discussed with you first before inviting her to live with BOTH of you. Especially if she does not have any money and will not be contributing financially to the household.

It is a difficult situation you are in but you have to communicate with your partner about these issues. Relationships fail when there is no communication.

Your partner was wrong to invite her without a serious discussion with you first. If you want to be irrelevant in your own marriage and household, marry him.