Hello everyone. So, to start my fiancé and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. Around 8 months ago I accidentally discovered a secret email account on his computer. ( I went to send an email for him and salsnuts email came up and the password was already saved and I didn't even read it thinking it was his regular email.) What I discovered is that he had been corresponding for months with other men from craigslist and these emails said things like my girlfriend is out of town this weekend, looking for an older man to treat me right, included pictures of his . So, of course I left and he stopped me and said he loved me and that he never met any of these people and it was all for fun and out of boredom and that they were to men because if it were to women then he thought of it as cheating. He promised he would do anything to keep me in his life so I said we had to go to therapy. He went with me to one session where the therapist told me to get over it and that things could be much worse. I told him that if I was going to stay that I wanted things to change. I explained that the amount of porn (at least once a day and more like 2 and up) that he watches is not going to get him off and that is what drove him to seek more than porn. He agreed. I asked that he reduce his porn intake to 2 times a week. He agreed. I also asked that he not delete his history to prove that he was not watching it. He agreed. I also asked that he not delete the emails so I could read them all (54) and they were gone the next time I logged on. He swears he doesn't know how they got deleted -.- I went to another therapist and my fiancé acted like I was crazy for not being over it.

Fast forward to today. Now, he just watches porn still non-stop but on his IPad and his computer and deletes the history. I've been waking up in the middle of the night to find him in the other bedroom watching porn. When I confront him he says its not the right time to talk about it and the conversation ends. I am now 14 weeks pregnant so leaving isn't really an option. But I am really bothered and am losing sleep over this. And the fact that I tell him how I feel and he doesn't respect it makes me feel like he doesn't truly care. I feel like he hasn't kept these promises so how can I truly trust that he isn't still emailing random people or meeting up with them.

Should I just let go of the trust issues? Or should I keep on top of him to keep his promises?

Should I just let go of the trust issues? Or should I keep on top of him to keep his promises?

Neither of these is a real option. You can't control someone. Asking him to keep his promises isn't going to work. He only made the promises to make you happy, not because he wants anything to change, and not because he's willing to change his behavior. Until he's willing to change, any promise he makes is just lip service.

I also don't think getting over your trust issues is going to work. You have trust issues for a reason. You have a legitimate reason to be worried. Not so much because of the porn, although the amount he's watching is a concern, but more so because of the emails to other men.

Normally I would recommend therapy, but you've both been there. Your first therapist was a quack in my opinion. Sadly, even if you find a good therapist, your fiancé has to be willing to talk, and accept help. He's very obviously not ready for that. So any therapy you receive won't change what he does because he's not ready to change.

This is a tough one. Normally I'd tell the girl to get over it, that men and porn go hand in hand. But based on your post, you accept him watching porn, just not to the extreme he's going to, and the emails to men is really what's most disturbing.

I would suggest seeking therapy for yourself, not including him at all, and working on how to help yourself get through this.

The reality right now, in my opinion, is that you either accept his behavior (something I couldn't do) or leave. Not an easy decision at all.

Thanks for your quick reply.

Unfortunately I don't really have the money to afford therapy and the second time I went the new therapist didn't seem to want to work with me on a continuous bases. It was more like yeah, you have a problem with this guy and he needs help. Which I know!

We are so good in every other way and now have a child on the way.

My other issue is that I already have a really low sex drive and obviously he has a high sex drive. I don't really find myself wanting to have sex with someone who is going to turn around and watch porn and masturbate right after I've just given him everything he should need. Same with blowjobs. So while I feel like a could give him more to help him with his sex drive I find myself not wanting to do it because I feel like it's pointless.

I don't like your options and would suggest you have a friend who is a great listener so you can vent and stay focused on things you can control to get you to stay calm, cool, and collected and in control of yourself, and let him do as he pleases to cope.

Do you have a friend or relative to fit that role? You both are caught in a very emotional life changing event, and need support through it. Is this the first child for you both? Family close? You both could use some guidance from an older wiser source. Does he have family close?

His behavior may just be a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed, or a reaction to the added stress pregnancy brings with it. Bottom line is change your approach to this issue and a friend is what I advise for now. Where is your mom?

Therapy can be expensive. It can also take time to find the right therapist. I really don't think you've found the right one yet.

Having said that, I really can't offer therapy online, not only am I not a therapist, which means I'm really not qualified to offer therapy, but doing so online is extremely hard, impossible even.

I am married, I have two kids. Like all people I've had times in my marriage that were tough. It happens to all couples.

What I've learned may be able to help you a bit. So I'm going to ask you these questions, and answer honestly.

1. Can you accept your relationship the way it is, or can you only move forward with it if changes are made?

2. Can you talk to your fiancé, does he listen to your concerns. Do you feel heard? Do you feel like you can tell him anything, and work out any issue together?

3. If things don't change will you be happy? If things stay the same do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?

Hi Talan. The only person I have talked to about this issue is my mom. She is like my best friend. I only have one other close friend but I feel bad telling anyone about this because he was extremely upset to find out I told my mom. He feels like he will be judged. My mom doesn't judge him and we see my parents once a week for dinner. We actually live with his family and they know nothing except that we had a fight and he did something bad. They said you know he loves you. But I didn't want to tell them anything in fear that they may judge him for emailing other men.

I personally like to think of myself as an open minded person. Porn doesn't bother me (everything in moderation!). And I wouldn't hate him if he told me he was bisexual. I wouldn't be open to an open relationship but I'd rather have a relationship based on being honest and knowing that before I commit to marriage.

To Alty:

1. Can you accept your relationship the way it is, or can you only move forward with it if changes are made?

I could accept the relationship if I truly believe him that he isn't emailing people. The problem is it's the internet. There is no way for me to know unless I put software to spy on him. While that is tempting, I'm afraid he would find out and I also believe that once you start searching for things like that you will get a bad habit of constantly looking. I don't think that is good psychologically.

2. Can you talk to your fiancé, does he listen to your concerns. Do you feel heard? Do you feel like you can tell him anything, and work out any issue together?

We are not very good at talking about problems. My way of dealing with my feelings is I write him a letter. That way he can read it over and over and there is no being ignored and interrupted. But do I feel like I'm heard? No, I don't because he just throws the letter to the side and never brings it up. He used to write me a letter back. I feel like for the most part I can tell him anything but now that I feel like I'm being ignored on this issue I hate bringing it up because it feels like it just gets flipped on me.

3. If things don't change will you be happy? If things stay the same do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?

No I don't think I will be truly happy because my mind always wanders back to that night. I wish I had read all the emails and just locked him out so I could finish. I wish I had real answers not just what he tells me to believe. I feel like I'll really never be able to answer if I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I had always thought of it like that before and for the most part things are well. Plus I don't want to deprive our child or him of parenthood in any way. I would like to try to have the typical ideal family. I'm honestly trying to put marriage off as long as I can until I truly feel like I can trust him again. I will not marry just because we have a child together.

1. Can you accept your relationship the way it is, or can you only move forward with it if changes are made?

I could accept the relationship if I truly believe him that he isn't emailing people. The problem is it's the internet. There is no way for me to know unless I put software to spy on him. While that is tempting, I'm afraid he would find out and I also believe that once you start searching for things like that you will get a bad habit of constantly looking. I don't think that is good psychologically.


You're doubting him. Every part of you is doubting him. I do agree that once you start spying, that leads to a very bad road. So let's dissect that part that says "There is no way for me to know unless I put software to spy on him". You don't trust him. There is no relationship without trust.

You do realize that spying on him isn't psychologically ideal. That's a good thing. You realize that spying isn't the answer. At the same time, that's the only way you can really trust him, having access to the secrets he's hiding from you, because you know there are secrets.

So we're back to your relationship. There's no trust here.


2. Can you talk to your fiancé, does he listen to your concerns. Do you feel heard? Do you feel like you can tell him anything, and work out any issue together?

We are not very good at talking about problems. My way of dealing with my feelings is I write him a letter. That way he can read it over and over and there is no being ignored and interrupted. But do I feel like I'm heard? No, I don't because he just throws the letter to the side and never brings it up. He used to write me a letter back. I feel like for the most part I can tell him anything but now that I feel like I'm being ignored on this issue I hate bringing it up because it feels like it just gets flipped on me.


He doesn't want to talk about his issues. That means he's really not ready to accept them, or change them. In other words, he'll continue doing what he's doing because he doesn't yet understand the consequences, or he's not willing to let go of the behavior because he doesn't feel it's wrong. He makes you promises to appease you, with no intentions of keeping those promises.

He doesn't talk about them because he doesn't want to change them. He flips you off because he's tired of hearing about these issues, especially because he's not ready or willing to change them. You can't talk to someone that won't listen.


3. If things don't change will you be happy? If things stay the same do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?

No I don't think I will be truly happy because my mind always wanders back to that night. I wish I had read all the emails and just locked him out so I could finish. I wish I had real answers not just what he tells me to believe. I feel like I'll really never be able to answer if I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I had always thought of it like that before and for the most part things are well. Plus I don't want to deprive our child or him of parenthood in any way. I would like to try to have the typical ideal family. I'm honestly trying to put marriage off as long as I can until I truly feel like I can trust him again. I will not marry just because we have a child together.


Right now you have to accept that things may not change. Unless he realizes that his actions are wrong, he won't change them. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he's just not willing to let go of his behaviors, he's willing to lie, make promises, but he has no intentions of keeping the promises he makes. Not now. He may never change his behavior.

It's a lot like an alcoholic. Until the person is ready to see that they have a problem, they won't change it, won't get help for it. Many people never get to the point where they actually accept that they have a problem.

So, you can't expect that this will ever change. If you can't live with the way he is now, but you stay, you're in for a world of hurt.

This is not easy by any means, but all three questions I asked are huge red flags that this relationship isn't going to go well.

Thanks for your dissection. I know that I don't trust him. I know he won't really change. Right now I think I just have to let go of it because I don't feel like it will be easier without him. I'm the kind of person that hates to be alone. It takes a lot to get me to leave a situation; even when I know it may be for the better.

You are going to be parents. Time to give him an invitation to sit down and talk. Not just about porn and sex but about the future and the relationship in general.

I suggest letting him out of any promises he had made about porn. Realize that telling him what you expect isn't starting an open dialog or making a real attempt at compromising on the subject. I encourage you to start over and discuss appropriate boundaries. Contacting other people, male or female, is not good. Be honest that your sex drive is suffering because you are shutting down due to feeling like he isn't there with you. Discuss ways to show affection and intimacy that aren't sexual and may redirect his thoughts from porn to reality.

Stop looking for evidence or asking him to provide an account of what he is doing. Work on rebuilding the trust and communications. Look into parenting classes. Many hospitals offer them at low or no costs as part of getting ready for baby. It may not be therapy but it can help get you working together instead of against each other. Encourage him to be a part of the pregnancy. Some men hear "We're expecting" and feel shut out. Because there isn't much they can do until actually putting crib and baby things together.

Even if the relationship breaks down, you will still have to work together as parents and no child should end up feeling like a pawn in an adult chess game.

This is going to be a touchy subject: The porn may be a way he has been dealing with sexual needs he has been afraid to discuss with you. Can you be open-minded about non-mainstream sexual behavior?

If you haven't already, I think you need to talk to him about bi-sexuality. You may need to be the one to bring the subject up. Let him know you understand being bi does not mean incapable of being monogamous. It does mean being attracted to both males and females. Even being in a committed relationship will not take away the attraction for the 'other' gender. Porn, however, can be a safe and non-cheating way to deal with those attractions. If he is open with you, you can be more understanding of his needs. If he shuts down, it leaves you thinking the worst.

If you are open to experimenting (if you haven't already,) talking about fantasies and discussing playing with toys and/or role-playing may help him be more open and may help boost your libido. I am not saying to do anything you aren't comfortable with. Just give it some thought.

Good luck and congratulations. May your pregnancy be safe and healthy.

Thank you Cat. I like your suggestion of parenting classes to be a different way to work together.

When it comes to sex I just tend to freeze. I giggle and feel really weird about being in that moment. I pretty much only like sex when I don't have to face him. I know that sounds bad but I just get the job done and most of the time I'm not really in the moment myself. When I do try to be into it I just feel strange about showing that side of me. I know I'm no angel so I can see where it's not mentally satisfying him possibly.

I have asked him to let me know if he is bi and his response was no no no it was just men because he thought women seemed like cheating. But to me he never planned on me finding out about the emails so what does it matter which gender it is. He was very specific in his emails and I have a hard time believing he didn't want or actually meet with another man.

Also on the topic of a child feeling like a pawn; I would never let whatever relationship him and I have affect the child. I've always been against people who use their kids against a spouse to punish them.

I really don't see how you successfully work together without working out some of YOUR own personal issues first. I think you let go of everything else, for now any way. Focus on you and a healthy child, and what you can do to help make YOU more comfortable and aware of YOURSELF.

Dwelling on insecurities and fears of what another is doing, even your baby daddy is doing you no good at all, and right now is not the time to get into emotional battles over feelings right now. You have greater priorities at this time. I just don't think that you understand yourself deeply enough to even begin to understand him, and that's a huge problem. I venture to say he may be struggling with his own issues right now, and maybe no better at expressing his own fears and insecurities as you are.

But you both do need help in fulfilling your roles as you prepare for parent hood and its good you have your mom. Who does he have, as it would seem living with his family their would be much support all around but it's possible he keeps secrets even from them. There is a lot more to this that may not be revealed to you at this time. But obviously he isn't ready for a full disclosure by anyone at this time, so don't push.

Alty, your post have been spot on, if I could greenie you...

I have a thought into your mind Ms. Brighton88. You've been with him for 3.5 years and for 20% of that time you've known what your fiancé has been doing. The thought I want you to think on is that he's probably been doing this for 100% of your relationship. So the 80% of the time you were ignorant of his dealings you thought him true and had no sex life issue. Part of the issue isn't what he's doing but that fact that you know that he's doing this. You were reasonably happy before that point.

Major issues that have already been addresed:
1). You have a low libido he doesn't. You think that his high libido will be satisfied with your low libido. You think that raising your but you him and thinking of the queen will be enough to satiate him and remove the need for this behaviour.

Think of it this way. Your man craves meat (Unfortunate segway into point two.) and will be happy with both hotdogs and steaks. Having a steak once a weak won't feed him. He has hotdogs every day or so and sometimes twice a day. He likes the steak but is happy enough with the hot dog. You can't expect him to live on steak alone especially when it's weekly or monthly.

2). Holy crap he's flirt with guys on the interweb. This is a big issue, and something he's not being truthful about with you, but I don't think he's being truthful about this with himself. This you need to know what he's going on about. The lines he's feeding you is bull sh!t. Straight up. Bored? Not cheating? What he's saying is trying to come up with the best story so that you won't be hurt.

Communication is a issue here and you need to get this communicated.

3). You can't control another person. All that you're doing when you say, "Cut down on the porn, stop with the email, and stop wanking." is saying, "Hide it better and make be believe you're not doing this anymore so that I feel adequate." Stop that. You're approaching the porn with fear mixed in with your self-esteem. You don't understand this.

The e-mail guys is a different story, regardless of the sex that is not okay. You can't snoop that though. You need to take him on his word and you know that he'll say that he's stopped but you will know that he hasn't. He wants to continue doing what he is doing and hide it.

You have to communicate and make him understand that isn't okay.

4). Your fates are inextricably linked right now. That doesn't mean that you need to stay with him or marry him. Make sure you have an exit plan. There is enough of a social net that you can take care of your child alone. You're not trapped. There are options.

This is a REALLY tough situation, I understand that. You just need to get in his head and get him to understand why that isn't okay.

Good luck.

We've been talking about it this past weekend. He says I shouldn't feel so insecure about the porn. He says that I should get over the emails because he realized what he has and would do nothing to lose me. I am up right now because of him jacking off. I wake up every time I hear it. He just shuts it off. Yet he'll do it during the day with me around so I don't know why he thinks it's different at night. At the moment I'm doing my best to forget about it.

I see many areas where you have not as a couple established some reasonable boundaries of acceptable behavior. There is no such thing as one conversation and instant success. Keep talking, or start walking. Pregnant or not.

Sorry I had to log so quick last night. He came to bed pretty quickly.

Craven, I like your analogy of a hot dog and steak. I don't mind him having a hot dog but I don't think it's good to have a hot dog every day and even two times a day. And when you have steak and then have a hot dog I think that is an insult to the cook who made you the steak.

A little background and my own analogy as I see it. He rushed me into the relationship when we first got together. We had been together about two months and I went to a party and got really drunk and cheated. I couldn't sleep all night and told him first thing in the morning. He asked for details and I gave them to him. To restore his trust in me I stopped going out to social events to prove to him that it wouldn't happen again. It took him a year to move on from it. So, I feel that if I relate this to porn and emails, the porn would be the party and alcohol that incited the behavior and the emails would be the cheating. If I continued to go to the parties (drinking or not) there is no way that he would have trusted me again. So, why is it any different for him helping me regain my trust in him?

Talan, I'm not sure how to establish reasonable boundaries when we are so far in to it. And I can't really continue the conversation because it makes him mad when I bring it up. I just feel that its such a no brainer that if I am doing something that I know will hurt my spouse but continue to do it then how much do I really care about that person? When we were talking this weekend and I brought up porn after a bj or sex he said that he just loves both. I told him that really hurt my feelings that he would put porn and sex/bj in the same category. He said that sounded bad and changed it to "like" porn. But I told him to just stick to what he first said because it's the truth.

Craven, I like your analogy of a hot dog and steak. I don't mind him having a hot dog but I don't think it's good to have a hot dog every day and even two times a day. And when you have steak and then have a hot dog I think that is an insult to the cook who made you the steak.

I love it when my analogies get a life of their own. It would surprise you how often you have a hotdog. The thing you have to remember is that he has the hotdog not because the steak wasn't satisfying nor filling, but because he just wanted a hotdog.

There is no causal link between being masturbating and having unsatisfying sex. It is a way to clear the pipes. It is a way for him to just take care of himself. To go to a hotdog stand is a lot simpler then making sure the BBQ has enough propane, is warm enough, the steak is properly spiced and marinated (Takes a lot time and a lot of prep work), get the heat right to put on the steak, sear it properly, slow cook to lock in the juices (Juices are important here), to have a perfectly done steak. The parallels to sex and masturbation with this analogy is startling.


A little background and my own analogy as I see it. He rushed me into the relationship when we first got together. We had been together about two months and I went to a party and got really drunk and cheated. I couldn't sleep all night and told him first thing in the morning. He asked for details and I gave them to him. To restore his trust in me I stopped going out to social events to prove to him that it wouldn't happen again. It took him a year to move on from it. So, I feel that if I relate this to porn and emails, the porn would be the party and alcohol that incited the behavior and the emails would be the cheating. If I continued to go to the parties (drinking or not) there is no way that he would have trusted me again. So, why is it any different for him helping me regain my trust in him?

This is a side of the story that explains a lot. So neither of you really have trust in the other. Interesting. I am impressed that this relationship survived the infidelity.

A few points to start with, the common perception is once a cheater, always a cheater regardless of the situation. It isn't really fair but you have seen it in life. As well his thought pattern could, sub conscious or not, run along the lines of: "She's already cheated and, while this isn't as bad, I can get away with this too." So it is kind of a One for One when it comes to infidelity. Showing he can trust you by removing yourself from the situations just goes to show that you don't trust yourself in those situations.

As to the next post, what you think will or will not hurt the relationship and what he thinks could be two different things. Expecting him to know what you believe the boundaries are is just setting yourself up for disappointment. You need to communicate what is and isn't acceptable. That emailing isn't acceptable. Getting drunk and cheating isn't acceptable. Wanking to porn is acceptable.

It is going to take work and if he's angry he's also probably a little embarrassed. Give it time and talk to him over time. It will come, It'll just take some time.

Craven, I love your analogies and had a feeling you may respond that way (but your version was much more creative lol). As far as me separating myself from parties was simply because he didn't want me to go out and it was more trouble to fight about going out then it was to just stay home. I understand he doesn't want to tell me particulars from the emails because he may be embarrassed and want to just put it in the past. And I do expect him to know the boundaries because I don't know how many times I have expressed my feelings on the topic. I think I just need to stop letting the porn bother me but it's very hard to forget it because I feel like it is a link to the emails. When I originally found out about the emails his explanation was that the porn sites have ads to talk to people so he got the idea to go onto Craigslist to find men to talk to. Therefore every time I think about porn I think what if he then gets the idea to go email and just hide it better. I have dreams almost every night that he is doing something related to emails or cheating. It's just very draining. But I guess I would also say that I'm more of a negative thinker late at night and I dwell a lot (probably because that's when he is hiding his porn).

Craven, I love your analogies and had a feeling you may respond that way (but your version was much more creative lol). As far as me separating myself from parties was simply because he didn't want me to go out and it was more trouble to fight about going out then it was to just stay home. I understand he doesn't want to tell me particulars from the emails because he may be embarrassed and want to just put it in the past. And I do expect him to know the boundaries because I don't know how many times I have expressed my feelings on the topic. I think I just need to stop letting the porn bother me but it's very hard to forget it because I feel like it is a link to the emails. When I originally found out about the emails his explanation was that the porn sites have ads to talk to people so he got the idea to go onto Craigslist to find men to talk to. Therefore every time I think about porn I think what if he then gets the idea to go email and just hide it better. I have dreams almost every night that he is doing something related to emails or cheating. It's just very draining. But I guess I would also say that I'm more of a negative thinker late at night and I dwell a lot (probably because that's when he is hiding his porn).

This is where faith and trust in your partner comes in. Realize that he's going to be doing what he is doing but he's never going to wander. The problem with suspicions is that you're going to want to deny or confirm them. Then you're going to be obsessively doing this, you will change, regardless of hard you don't think you are, and you will push him away. This will go on until he leaves. You will feel vindicated because he turned out as you expected but you'll ignore the fact that you pushed him to be that way.

He will hide his porn. He will probably stop with the e-mailing. Don't snoop and trust what he says. He'll have his steak and hotdogs. :-)

=) Thanks for your help Craven