My Ex and I divorced 12 years ago and we still have one minor child, a daughter age 16. We currently have Shared Custody with no Child Support for either party. Everything has worked out fine for years.

The issue now is that my Ex has fallen upon hard times. She has always had trouble keeping a job for whatever reason, but within the past several months she had an emotional breakdown, and has been in and out of Psychiatric care facilities and been placed on Disability by her current employer. She is currently unable to work.

Her Disability has now run out but she will not be ‘fired’ from her job until the end of the year, so she is unable to obtain Unemployment. She is currently on Food Stamps but has no other income other than her Partner’s. Yesterday, she went in to apply for some sort of State assistance and they indicated to her that they would come after me for Child Support of $800+ a month. She does not want to do that to me so she called to inform me of what the agency wanted to do.

The question is, if I file for Sole Custody (mutually agreed upon), will this A) removed the possibility of the State coming after me for Child Support and B) what is the best reason to state why I am asking for a modification in the Child Custody? The last thing I want is to apply for this and for the court to throw it out because they do not feel the reason is viable.

My daughter would end up living with me most of the time, I would be providing for all her expenses outside of shared Uninsured Medical Costs.

Thank you for any assistance.

Given that you have an agreement in mind, you should retain an attorney and have them draft the agreement and see how it flies with the child's mother. You may not need to designate a cause for the change in custody but if you need to, I think her mental health issues and need to get back on her feet are the reason you would likely use.

Of course, you should have been paying child support all this time. Have you been paying it? In most places the amount required for one child is around 20 to 25% of your net income. It varies by jurisdiction, however.

Your decision to take custody of your child should not be financially motivated. Do you want to be the primary parent to the child?

If you have been truly sharing custody of your daughter, then child support should have balanced out. But if the state is indicating you they would come after you, especially for that much, then they don't believe you are equally sharing custody.

On the other hand, I believe you can get primary or even sole physical custody. Simply show that your ex has been in and out of Care facilities. And therefore you both feel that she can no longer properly take care of your daughter.

No I should not have been paying child support all this time. There was no court mandated Child Support from the divorce and we have always split things 50-50 without incident. We even both carry medical insurance which provides the child with dual coverage. When we were divorced in 2001, I was laid-off and couldn't find a job for 10 months. Even then the job I landed paid only $10/hr. My Ex was employed with the county with all the benefits that comes with a government job. But I was still willing to pay 50% of everything.

Fast forward 12 years, I have now been working for the same place for 10 years with a decent salary with benefits. I have owned/lived in the same house for 9 years. My Ex on the other hand has a long history of moving from place to place (at least 11 different places within the past 12 years), the inability to hold a job for more than two years, and a constantly fluctuating income level. All that BEFORE the mental breakdown.

My Ex and I live now two blocks away from each other. More days than not, on the week the Ex is to have custody, my daughter is over at my house to eat, since her mother has issues keeping a stocked kitchen. I have no problem with this. I would love the opportunity to have my daughter live with me more, so that she has a stable home, a 100% support structure and is removed from the stresses she finds over at the Ex's. My home isn't perfect, but it's leaps and bounds beyond what she gets half the time now.

All in all, I AM the primary parent of my Daughter. For a long time now I have paid well beyond the 50% and "I see her just about every day. I don't complain, because I know her mother has been going through things and frankly I can afford to do so. I go to every single one of her events, while her mother is lucky to go to 20%. Taking Sole Custody would only be a financial impact but it is one I am eager to take on, even if just to removed any amount of instability in her life that I can. What I do NOT want to do is end up giving my Ex money because she has been unable to make even-remotely smart decisions, unable to maintain any sort of budget or control her spiraling debt. She has placed herself in this situation because that's what she does, time and again. Rewarding her with money I work for is ludicrous, I am, however, willing to remove her financial 'burden' of caring for our daughter by taking it on all by myself.

Thanks for the input, it helps.

Like I said, I think you can make a case for making you the primary custodial parent. That should preclude you from having to pay support, even if she applies for public assistance. Of course, her assistance would be less because she doesn't have your daughter to claim care for.

No I should not have been paying child support all this time. There was no court mandated Child Support from the divorce and we have always split things 50-50 without incident. We even both carry medical insurance which provides the child with dual coverage. When we were divorced in 2001, I was laid-off and couldn't find a job for 10 months. Even then the job I landed paid only $10/hr. My Ex was employed with the county with all the benefits that comes with a government job. But I was still willing to pay 50% of everything.

Fast forward 12 years, I have now been working for the same place for 10 years with a decent salary with benefits. I have owned/lived in the same house for 9 years. My Ex on the other hand has a long history of moving from place to place (at least 11 different places within the past 12 years), the inability to hold a job for more than two years, and a constantly fluctuating income level. All that BEFORE the mental breakdown.

My Ex and I live now two blocks away from each other. More days than not, on the week the Ex is to have custody, my daughter is over at my house to eat, since her mother has issues keeping a stocked kitchen. I have no problem with this. I would love the opportunity to have my daughter live with me more, so that she has a stable home, a 100% support structure and is removed from the stresses she finds over at the Ex's. My home isn't perfect, but it's leaps and bounds beyond what she gets half the time now.

All in all, I AM the primary parent of my Daughter. For a long time now I have paid well beyond the 50% and "I see her just about every day. I don't complain, because I know her mother has been going through things and frankly I can afford to do so. I go to every single one of her events, while her mother is lucky to go to 20%. Taking Sole Custody would only be a financial impact but it is one I am eager to take on, even if just to removed any amount of instability in her life that I can. What I do NOT want to do is end up giving my Ex money because she has been unable to make even-remotely smart decisions, unable to maintain any sort of budget or control her spiraling debt. She has placed herself in this situation because that's what she does, time and again. Rewarding her with money I work for is ludicrous, I am, however, willing to remove her financial 'burden' of caring for our daughter by taking it on all by myself.

Thanks for the input, it helps.

Have you asked your daughter to see what she thinks about what your planning? The courts won't let her decide but at 16 she may give imput and the judge can weigh it against the evidence. Also if the mother sgrees to all of this then it is a slam dunk. But if she doesn't agree or doesn't really understand then it may sink her to deeper depths and in ruining her you could lose your child. Be careful with your decisions.

It sounds like you have a good shot at entering an agreed order changing custody with you having sole, or primary. I'd move quick before she changes her mind or someone talks her out of it.