My hubby and I started wrong. I think I had a unrealistic impression of marriage. I think I watched too many Indian movies. I thought we would do everything together, call each other during lunch breaks, candle lite dinners, romantic walks, movie nights, go to clubs/bars, shopping, etc. I had to nag for quality time. I got so tired of nagging after my first son was born. When my husband is off to Vegas and other business trips. I would plan fun stuff with my son like outings to the zoo & park which my husband would never go to with us. I essentially gave up on romantic time, family time. Looking back we always ate dinner together.

But lately, we have an infant... my husband prefers to sleep in another room because the baby cries. This has been for 5 months now. He hardly eats at home anymore. Always has a business meeting. Over the weekends he hangs out until 7-8am!! Drinking at friends houses, going to bars, and going to AC. I try to be cool about it and say have fun. But really I am just like what about me? I am sleep deprived, manage a daycare, soccer mom, have a baby. I am exhausted. I cook every night. I feel like I am raising my kids with the baby sitter. He is out more and more.

We have been married 7 years. We were high school sweet hearts. We went to college together. He used to take me out so much, dinners, clubs, go to our friends places. Part of the problem is that we have kids and nobody else does. We also do very well financially. I know he works hard! But emotionally I feel blank towards him. We don't have a relationship. I am up all night with a teething baby and he is out all night with his group of guy friends. I try talking to the other wives, but nobody really says anything negative about the going out. I try to include myself and go to AC, but usually I end up hanging out with wives and my hubby just stays up all night. We don't even make use of our night away from kids. I sleep alone in hotel while he is out on casino floor with guys. I have stayed up until 7am to see what they do but I do have to go home and take care of my babies! He is out right now it's (7am). He will come home and sleep while I take my 4 year old to his soccer game.

I don't know, maybe I am venting. But why doesn't my hubby want to spend time with me and boys? Why does he love his buddies more? He isn't lying because I work with his best friends wife. We basically confirm they were hanging out. He isn't gay, I am 100% sure of that. Sometimes I think it's his up bringing and Indian culture. I don't know. It sucks to be raising my babies alone.

I'm wondering too, what happened to the man you thought you married. The thoughtful, loving, involved man who put you first and valued his relationship.

After marriage, he sounds like a completely different person.

That he could tune you, and the children out so much is baffling. He is as neglectful of you, as he is of his children.

Why has he blocked what should be his first priority (family) out. He has become a lousy husband, and a lousy father.

Do you think there is any way you can gain some understanding of this. Is it that maybe he is unable to change the obvious rift here, because of addiction or another woman or maybe fear? Fear of being a failure/bad husband/lousy father?

There must be some reason for him being so detached. It seems he has created a second life and keeps nurturing the life he has made for himself, outside of his family.

Any ideas?

My ex was the same way. Some guys can't deal with the idea of a baby taking over the time they use to have with you. He seems to have gone extreme with it. You need to talk with him about your feelings and what it is doing to your relationship. Find a way that he feels comfortable compromising. Come up with things like finding a baby sitter for date night, etc...

This guy sounds like a lousy husband and father. He is living the life of a single man. You two need to have a conversation about his putting his family on the sideline. This is not normal or fair to you.

I'm wondering too, what happened to the man you thought you married. The thoughtful, loving, involved man who put you first and valued his relationship.

After marriage, he sounds like a completely different person.

That he could tune you, and the children out so much is baffling. He is as neglectful of you, as he is of his children.

Why has he blocked what should be his first priority (family) out. He has become a lousy husband, and a lousy father.

Do you think there is any way you can gain some understanding of this. Is it that maybe he is unable to change the obvious rift here, because of addiction or another woman or maybe fear? Fear of being a failure/bad husband/lousy father?

There must be some reason for him being so detached. It seems he has created a second life and keeps nurturing the life he has made for himself, outside of his family.

Any ideas?


Sometimes I think he thinks providing financially is being a good husband and father. We both grew up in low income families. He grew up with seriously lousy parents and I don't know if he even thinks he is doing anything wrong.

I tell him how I feel and that I want to do more family things. But it's temporary we'll do a few things together and it will be back to the norm again. Actually I start to get annoyed because he doesn't know the kids like I do and makes them cry more. He then passes them off to me.

Yesterday he came home at 9:30am from being out all night, I had told him and emailed him that soccer pictures are at 9:30, game at 10:30. He swooped in at 9:30 and took my son while I scrambled to get both boys ready, pack team snacks, feed them bath them all morning. He didn't wait for me and so I brought my own car. As we are watching the game , I am pointing out things our son needs help with. I suggested he help him... and he says seems like jaiden is just too immature he doesn't want to do it. It's his first week of soccer! He is 4! He doesn't know the game and yeah he is immature but this is the age you introduce group sports.

Well the rest of the day I entertained kids and put together meals while my hubby slept until 5pm. He came to soccer but emotionally unavailable. But at least he came.

Back to your question, I think his work, his popularity, his networking skills... is the reason for his sudden interest in being out all the time. He loves restaurants, drinking, entertaining clients. I think it's more fun for him then being home.

I used to like when he would go away on business trips because he would come home and I could feel he misses us. He would want me to make certain meals, sex would be better, he would play with the boys more. The last few times he came back and was still in Vegas mode.

I still don't think cheating is a factor. But I haven't ruled it out. I think he just loves his business social life.

Are you sure you know what's going on financially? Have you checked bank balances and credit card statements? He must be spending a lot of money while he's out all night.

Does he ever offer an explanation as to where he's been, and what he's been doing? Do you ever get angry, or demand answers?

He may very well like what he's doing, and like being away from home, and his responsibilities, but so what! He has responsibilities to you and his sons, and that comes first, and should always be first, above anything that he chooses for himself.

I don't think it's a good idea to accept this living arrangement without some accountability. You may not yet be at the point where you are overwhelmed and underappreciated, but you soon will be with two sons. Sons need their fathers, it is your husband's obligation and duty to help raise them. It isn't optional.

So how to get on track before it's too late? If he cannot, or unwilling to actually sit and talk things through to find permanent solutions, either through working out a calendar- literally- put it up on the fridge, or attend counseling, then suggest that after all has failed, you want counseling. Arrange a sitter, and give him the appointment times.

He is not entitled to abandon you, or his family. And that is what he's doing, for some unknown reason.

I would suggest you do all you can to uncover the mystery of why he has abandoned his family, check all you can into his activities and what it's costing the family, and do everything to can to get through to him. But, failing that, there are few options.

You may as well be alone.

I would imagine that his best friends wife is going thru the same thing and you see her every day so I am curious of how she copes with it?

Having been through this myself, I feel like its time to make some adjustments of the boundaries of good behavior that works for you both. That takes some honest communications from you both, and the silence on either side doesn't help anything but builds resentments for the partner. No solutions or resolutions can come from that. Just conflict and some raw feelings.

I don't know what his side is, but It's obvious you don't either. I get how what he does makes you feel, but to work through this you must both get how what you do makes the other one feel. It takes work from you both and just not hoping the other side changes through miracles, or mind reading.

Talk and listen, keep talking and even more listening. Its only through mutual understanding can a way forward be found that you both can live with.

My ex was the same way. Some guys can't deal with the idea of a baby taking over the time they use to have with you. He seems to have gone extreme with it. You need to talk with him about your feelings and what it is doing to your relationship. Find a way that he feels comfortable compromising. Come up with things like finding a baby sitter for date night, etc....

We do date nights with a few couples, more like adult night. It is fun but usually ends in men and women split up. He finds it boring just to go just me and him but we still try to grab a drink here and there. But that doesn't control his 11pm to 9am guy nights. I mean is that normal? He does this almost every weekend. And on week nights he doesn't come home before mid night at least 2 nights a week.

We have a good babysitter... but I work all week... I think it's important to spend time with my kids when the weekend hits and do an adult night once a month.


Are you sure you know what's going on financially? Have you checked bank balances and credit card statements? He must be spending a lot of money while he's out all night.

Does he ever offer an explanation as to where he's been, and what he's been doing? Do you ever get angry, or demand answers?

He may very well like what he's doing, and like being away from home, and his responsibilities, but so what! He has responsibilities to you and his sons, and that comes first, and should always be first, above anything that he chooses for himself.

I don't think it's a good idea to accept this living arrangement without some accountability. You may not yet be at the point where you are overwhelmed and underappreciated, but you soon will be with two sons. Sons need their fathers, it is your husband's obligation and duty to help raise them. It isn't optional.

So how to get on track before it's too late? If he cannot, or unwilling to actually sit and talk things through to find permanent solutions, either through working out a calendar- literally- put it up on the fridge, or attend counseling, then suggest that after all has failed, you want counseling. Arrange a sitter, and give him the appointment times.

He is not entitled to abandon you, or his family. And that is what he's doing, for some unknown reason.

I would suggest you do all you can to uncover the mystery of why he has abandoned his family, check all you can into his activities and what it's costing the family, and do everything to can to get through to him. But, failing that, there are few options.

You may as well be alone.

I keep up with financial situation. Unless he has hidden accounts. I know are bills are paid and I know our joint accounts are fine. I know my kids college accounts are kept up. We set budgets for his Atlantic city nights.

I guess I am starting to reach that point where I don't think I am the problem. My sisters are telling me I don't keep him in check! But my belief has always been not to be controlling. I am not his mom, I am his wife. Why do I have to tell him what to do? Shouldn't it come from with in? Nobody tells me what to do , I just do it!

But you are right, I am starting to make plans and just email him "add this to your calendar" . He used to complain I never make plans. So now I am going to plan. I just hate when he comes but his heart isn't in it. Like the soccer game. It is super cute and funny to watch 4 year olds play a "game" of soccer. But I could see he was just there not into it. Well I will keep trying but I refuse to tell him what to do. I hate fighting, I don't yell, I hate nagging.

You don't have to yell fight and nag, but he needs to know that what he is doing is unacceptable. If you never say anything, you are in essence approving of the behavior.

I can see your point, that when he does show up, he may as well not be there for all the interest he has in the soccer game.

Before you make that list of things he needs to add to his calendar, why not talk to him first. Make a list if you have to, or copy some of your posts here and let him read them. After it's clear that you are rightly demanding some of his time and more of an effort, then send the calendar.

With you both working, the work needs to be split equally. Negotiate if you have to. He changes the beds, you do the laundry. He cuts the grass, you scrub out the bathrooms. Maybe both of you do the grocery shopping. He really needs to see just how much 'invisible' work goes on in the house, and for the house. And that's before all the other things- lunches, activities, play dates, Doctor appointments, etc. etc. Maybe schedule a 'me' day off once in a while.

I'm saying take away the excuses for not expecting him to do anything, and instead replace the excuses with a chore. You may have to adjust the calendar as things come up, but part of parenting is flexibility too.