First off my fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. I also have a girlfriend. We have been "together" for about a year. My fiancé knows about us and we have all three messed around before. My two rules are no kissing and no intercourse, unless I say otherwise. We have always respected those boundaries.

Well Friday night I got drunk. VERY drunk. Two bottles of vodka drunk. I don’t know what possessed me to drink that much, I never have before. Usually it’s just a drink or two. Somehow I convinced my girlfriend to come out and see me (we both work a lot so we don’t see each other often) and she agreed and came out and got drunk with me. Usually when we get drunk that’s when the three of us fool around, we always have a good time. Only difference with this past time is I do not remember a thing. I don’t even remember how I convinced her to show up. As I sobered up, bits a pieces began to come back to me... my fiancé told me some things that happened and so did my girlfriend, but I have a blurry memory of me telling my fiancé to take her, and her kissing me while he did such. I know that neither of them would have sex with each other unless I said it was OK. I have enough faith in both of my relationships to trust that. I asked my girlfriend if I let it happen and she says she does not recall it happening. But a lot of things are foggy for her as well. I have not asked my fiancé yet if I allowed it, part of me is afraid to. And the reason I am afraid is because when I told him I don’t remember anything he always says "that’s probably a good thing”. He knows me. He knows that if I found out I let them have sex I would be devastated. I can’t even imagine allowing him to be that intimate with anyone. I refuse to be mad at him if I allowed it because I said it was OK, and drunk or not, I always mean what I say, especially with my choice of drink. You will always get the honest answer out of me. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle it. I know I should come right out and ask him but I’m afraid of the answer and even if I did allow it to happen. How do I deal with it? I mean I said it was OK. He always reminds me there is never an emotional attachment in anything we do. That it’s always all in good fun. So if he did have sex with her, he's already over it, already moved on. At least I hope. I can’t just keep this locked up in my head. I have to maintain control of the situation. I feel like if he thinks that I don’t know it happened. Then he will take advantage of it again. I hate to think that way, but he is a guy. And I’ve been burned before. So it’s hard not to think of it like that. And I mean if he can’t be honest with me and tell me everything that happened. How can we continue to have fun?

I like what we do together. I do. But I can’t do it if I feel like he wasn’t honest with me. I guess my question is how do I deal with this? How can I deal with this the best way without creating any tension? Or making too big a deal about it. I mean almost 4 days have passed, so I feel like I just need to deal with it on my own. And decide my next move from there.


To anyone posting an answer to this question I want some honest truthful answers. No criticism. No reminders on how I drank too much or how I shouldn’t drink that much. I know this. I Know that I messed up by drinking too much, I know I messed up by not remembering and I know I should come out and ask my fiancé, but I know my fiancé. I know that it’s too far gone to bring it up again and be all emotional about it. He’s probably already forgotten about it. I just need help in figuring out how to deal with this on my own.

What do you want people to tell you if you know all these things? You ask him then deal with the answer. You allow another girl to come in a mess around with you and your boyfriend but with no kissing or sex, what is messing around? Why would you even allow that?
Ask him and either deal with than answer or get over it.
If you can't remember what you do when you're drunk, you need to leave alcohol alone. Maybe all three of you were drunk and did the deed. I hope this is the last time you do something like this.
A side question. Why do you have a fiancé and a girl friend. Are you going to eventually marry and keep the girl friend? What is the point of any of this?

Haha! I'm not Russian. Croatian is more like it. Like I said I don't know what compelled me to drink that much... I NEVER drink that much... and I always remember everything the next morning... always. Like I also said I like what we do. We always have fun and there is a lot of respect in this.. I just don't want to make a big deal about it to him because I know he isn't. I just kind of want to accept what happened and do what I can to move on from it... I just don't know how to move on from it... I don't want to punish him for something I allowed to happen

If you can't be honest with him, how can he be honest with you?

Let him know that you have vague memories of what happened and you need to talk to him about it. Not having an emotional attachment is not the same as forgetting it ever happened.

You may not want to hear it, but I am going to say it anyway. You need to talk to them about drinking to the point where you can't control yourself and your actions. Taking responsibility for the consequences afterward is not the same as being responsible before you act. You could end up doing a lot worse than giving your lovers permission to play with each other if this continues. People who are extremely drunk who are with other people who are extremely drunk often do not see the danger in their actions until they end up in jail, the hospital or the morgue. Unfortunately, those people are the ones who usually survive when innocent bystanders don't.

If you think I am referring to drunk driving, that is only one possible action. Starting fires by forgetting something on a stove and passing out or knocking over a candle, falling over a railing while trying to sit on it, breaking through a window, glass door, etc. while stumbling around are only a few of the things that can happen.

I hope you have learned a lesson and will be more careful in the future. But be careful that you don't keep saying 'I know... ' over and over again and forget what it is you are supposed to 'know'.

If you can't be honest with him, how can he be honest with you?

Let him know that you have vague memories of what happened and you need to talk to him about it. Not having an emotional attachment is not the same as forgetting it ever happened.

You may not want to hear it, but I am going to say it anyway. You need to talk to them about drinking to the point where you can't control yourself and your actions. Taking responsibility for the consequences afterward is not the same as being responsible before you act. You could end up doing a lot worse than giving your lovers permission to play with each other if this continues. People who are extremely drunk who are with other people who are extremely drunk often do not see the danger in their actions until they end up in jail, the hospital or the morgue. Unfortunately, those people are the ones who usually survive when innocent bystanders don't.

If you think I am referring to drunk driving, that is only one possible action. Starting fires by forgetting something on a stove and passing out or knocking over a candle, falling over a railing while trying to sit on it, breaking through a window, glass door, etc. while stumbling around are only a few of the things that can happen.

I hope you have learned a lesson and will be more careful in the future. But be careful that you don't keep saying 'I know...' over and over again and forget what it is you are supposed to 'know'.


Your very right about that... I honestly did not think about that. Thankfully we did not get too out of control and end up in an even worse situation. I should be able to talk to him and be honest with him.. your right. I don't know why I am so fearful to talk to him. Yes I am partially afraid of the answer, but it's more than that... maybe embarrassment of not remembering... or embarrassment of allowing it to happen... I guess I should figure that out before I allow us to do something like that again.

You played with fire and got burnt. Not just with the Vodka, but the people around you. Rather arrogant to think you had control over either. And ironic you are afraid to face the truth.

There are three people in this relationship, even if your girlfriend of a year is new to you and your fiancé.

Sex is okay with all three of you, as long as there is no kissing or intercourse. Why the distinction in the first place. Why is any other act of sex okay between the three of you, except intercourse. Is that the boundary of respect and restraint, which is saved just for the two of you?

With or without the alcohol, permission, drunk or not, was given, for this to go farther than you and your boyfriend agreed upon. You didn't see this coming? Not even sober?

How do you know he just didn't say you gave permission. How do you know there was no permission given in the first place in other words. I don't know the integrity level of any of you personally, but I can see how boundaries in the heat of the moment might eventually disappear.

As to the alcohol, please think long and hard about your consumption, and the circumstances you drink under. Maybe the amount of alcohol had something to do with permission, maybe it didn't. But it sounds like you might want to think about drinking less, no matter what you're up to. Your girlfriend doesn't remember having intercourse with your boyfriend; and that no doubt, because of the alcohol as well, pretty much eliminated any 'stops'.

Be careful.

Yes, that is our boundaries. This is something that we do not engage in often. My girlfriend is more or less a committed partner in sexual acts. She has her own relationships outside of us however she does not do anything with other women, neither do we. So I would say girlfriend is a heavy term. I don't allow the sex or kissing because I think that is too intimate to share with someone else.. plus, it stops any risk of pregnancy, even if there is condoms involved... still a precaution. Regardless there are some things I just want to stay between him and I. And it's an emotional thing in my eyes... and I don't want anyone else involved. But as far as oral and other types of play.. I'm OK with that... some people think it's silly of me to draw a line.. but regardless it's my relationship.

As far as permission, I would like to believe that he would not do that to me. I am always on guard.. which is why I never drink a lot.. but is it possible he did... yes. I suppose I can't rule that out. But I have to have a level of trust here somewhere. We took the time to build up our trust so we can have fun with someone else in bed... I have to believe he would not betray that trust...

I am aware I need to be careful of my consumption. As I've said before this is not me... I never drink that much. Ever. Regardless I am taking a long break on having a drink for a while... and also a break from having her around. Not that this happens often.. but I think a pause needs to be put on it so I can collect myself. I appreciate what you have said... you have helped me think.

Fact is when the shepherd isn't watching his sheep, they will likely do what uncontrolled sheep do. Have there own drunken fun. So I guess the shepherd better get his sheep back in order, and forget this lapse in control.

Or maybe your reaction to being burned before has some serious flaws in it that can be easily exploited by sheep who you think you can control. Just me, instead of being devastated by my own drunken mistakes, recognize the rules change when you leave people to their own devices, drunk or not, for whatever reason you cannot, or don't, exercise your total control.

It's stupid to expect loyalty, and honesty from those you exercise control over. Like giving a dog a bone and expect him not to enjoy it, and see more. You got drunk and lost control so get over it, and move on.

Of course they most likely had sex, and you were drunk and it is much more than a drinking issues. You seem to have no trouble with kissing the girl, and having sex with her, but refuse the boyfriend, any of the same rights to have a relationship outside of the two of you.

What if she wanted his own girlfriend ( or boyfriend) and share with them, like you do with this girl.

This is the result of where this was all heading ( unless they had already done things without you, which is very possible also)

So accept the fact that this is how amost all relationships like this end. It was going to be him having sex with her, the day you bought her into the relationship.

So this girlfriend you allow your boyfriend to do sexual things with 2 exceptions? Or are you saying the only time either of you do anything with this girlfriend is as a 3 some? I am not sure but it sounds to me like you are giving your boyfriend boundaries where you have none.

I think that it is a good idea that you have decided to step back and think this all through.

Good luck to you.