Hi we have been together for about a year now. He is 32 and I'm 29. I know he loves me as he shows it all the time. He is very sweet and affectionate too. However we barely have sex and this bothers me. I have told him my concerns and he says I'm making a big deal out of it and that once a week (sometimes longer) it's a good amount. When we first started dating he wouldn't keep his hand of me, now not so much. We live together so I know he isn't cheating but I don't know what it is. I gained a few pounds due to a health issue a few months ago however he said he didn't care and sex was still good.

This problem started maybe a couple months ago way after my weight issue and he says I really turn him on Later when we are laying in bed and he gets close I see he gets turned on but still he doesn't pursue sex. He recently got sentenced to house arrest for a big dui 2 years ago and made a deal to not lose his license as he needs to drive to of work. I feel so sad I don't know why but most of the time we are friends instead of lovers. He has been working lots of overtime and when he gets home he works out, or goes into his computer and does his house budget (he has gotten obsessive with money and organizing finances) and says it's so we become richer and successful so we can travel when his sentence is over and he can buy me a huge engagement ring.

I really feel sad because I love him very much and I know he loves me too, but I don't what to do I feel sex is very important and I feel he doesn't see it as a night issue and maybe our sex drives are different since I'm have a very high libido and he doesn't (I notice this since we started dating) but lately its too much disinterested on his side so I know things aren't the same as before.

Help me please, do you think he is stressed, sad, or just doesn't find me desirable?

Please take your time to spell out your words. Please don't use chat speak. This is an international site and many people only have a rudimentary grasp of english. Using proper english will allow most people to better understand and help you.

I think he is stressed and exhausted. The DUI charge is probably not helping. It also begs the question of substance abuse, another libido killer.

You work and contribute to the household as well I assume? No little children?

What I see is someone is trying to work for the future while sabotaging his present. He's working late hours (Exhaustion) to be able to afford a ring and to travel. Red flag #1. He's micromanaging money to do this (Stress). Red flag #2. Criminal record and being able to travel as well as moving on in live to marriage from dating is more stress. Red Flag #3.

Chances are your libidos are also slightly mismatched which adds more stress on the pile. He can't satisify your desires so he's stressed about that and is using material goods to sway you to stay and compensate for that. Which the more he works the less he wants to be intimate, and it is truly is a vicious cycle.

What can you do about this? Well he needs to de-stress and needs to rest. Only he can do that. I am not sure what you can do to help, take some pressure off him for the household. As well I get the feeling that you, even though you won't see it, might be pestering him about sex. You're going to be all in the mood and trying to get him in the mood that it will turn him off. Maybe tone that down a little. As well you need a open dialogue with him. A way to tell him that you're there for him and only him, that the ring and the vacations are trivial if it is doing this to him. You sound like you really care for him.

For the record once every week or so isn't really really low. It is low, but not uncommon for sustaining relationships. You're out of the honey moon phase. Sex slows down.

He sounds like he is stressed and worried about the present and future. Those are two very large libido limiters. If he has to wear a monitoring device, that may be distracting and causing him to have negative thoughts and feelings about himself. It may take awhile for him to adjust to the current situation.

Wanting to have sex and being able physically/mentally are two different things. His body say one thing but his mind is elsewhere.

How long will he be on house arrest?

Try backing off to give him some time and space to adapt. You can give him support by understanding that his brain isn't on sex right now and providing some stability while he has a minor meltdown.

What do you do to give yourself support and to let go of your own stress? Do you have any interests or hobbies? Talk with friends? Go out with friends/family? If you don't, find some way to de-tress so that your stresses and frustrations aren't feeding off each other and making things worse.

Try not to take his preoccupation/distractions personally. If you have a strong relationship, it will survive. Almost all long term relationships have at least one period of slow (for the couple) to no sex. If you love as much as you want him, give some time for things to swing back closer to what you think of as normal for your relationship.

He sounds very driven to accomplish his goals he has set, and maybe working too hard at it, but I feel this has nothing at all to do with you, or his desire for you. I think for now you be grateful for a hardworking fellow trying to recover from past mistakes and do better for you and him.

A couples love life often goes up and down in the course of a relationship and I think that contributes to uncertainty when you are in those down time. Certainly you didn't expect it to always be hot rabbits all the time forever. The lust has faded and you must adjust to the reality of life. Instead of making this about you, make it about helping your guy accomplish his goal for you both.

If you keep making this personally about you, you will miss what its really about, as I think you have already.

Hi, thanks to everyone,@ Craven Morhead , you are right I Should have made an effort and write properly, English is not my first language therefore proper gramar is harder for me as Im more used to texting friends and such .

He doesn't drink anymore, What happened was 2 years ago and he Was in a bad stage in life , we don't have kids, and I do work and contribute , maybe not as much as he does since he makes twice what I make , but still, I do contribute as much as my salary allows me

I do think he migth be stressed and maybe insecure as when he got sentenced he was very worried about what I Was thinking and asking if I was embarrassed of being with a "criminal" , he does not wear a monitoring device, and also he is allowed to go at to the mall or store 2 hours per week, and he has to be on house arrest for 6 months .

Perhaps Im being self centered and acting very spoiled and should be more understanding I Was just feeling very insecure about the sex situation as one time years ago an old boyfriend told me he loved me but didn't find me sexy so that really put a dent in myself steem , and since then I have always felt insecure about my looks even though he tells me I'm beautiful all the time I feel it's a lie so maybe I'm also turning him off as he might sense my lack of confidende.

I love him very much and I know he does love me too so ill follow your advice because I want us to get past this and perhaps I'm making a big deal out of this and it might be just a fase, also I feel totally happy and satisfied in every other aspect in our live together is just the sex issue the fact I always have to very much intiate and seduce and I'm not used to that because usually in the past other partners will be the ones with in control of the ropes now I feel I'm the aggressive one when it comes to sex.

Thanks to all for the advice I'll try to relax and be patient as he is a wonderful man and I do feel loved and extremely blessed for having someone like him who complements and adds so much into my life

Hi, thanks to everyone,@ Craven Morhead , you are right I Should have made an effort and write properly, English is not my first language therefore proper gramar is harder for me as Im more used to texting friends and such .

Thank you for the effort. It is greatly appreciated.


I do think he migth be stressed and maybe insecure as when he got sentenced he was very worried about what I Was thinking and asking if I was embarrased of being with a "criminal" , he does not wear a monitoring device, and also he is allowed to go at to the mall or store 2 hours per week, and he has to be on house arrest for 6 months .

Does this matter to you? I think you've hit the nail on the head here. His self-esteem probably got a huge hit by this. While it probably doesn't have a huge effect on you're thoughts of him and your concept of a future with him, it does affect his view of himself. It might be good to get him to talk to a counsellor for him to deal with these issues.


Perhaps Im being self centered and acting very spoiled and should be more understanding I Was just feeling very insecure about the sex situation as one time years ago an old boyfriend told me he loved me but didnt find me sexy so that really put a dent in my self steem , and since then I have always felt insecure about my looks even though he tells me im beautiful all the time I feel its a lie so maybe im also turning him off as he might sense my lack of confidende.

An ex boyfriend? Years ago? Really? One of the hardest things in life is getting over those deep jabs from a person that you care deeply about. Even after a relationship is over. Your brain will chew and chew on those regardless of the fact that it came from an EX and that you've got (assumed) nothing to do with him any more.

This is your issue that you have to deal with. Your self-image is based on how you see yourself. Not on how others. You need to love yourself. You need to see what a sexy person you are regardless of what people tell you. Especially an EX.

The thing about humans as a whole is that no one is perfect. Everyone has stretch marks, look at the VERY LEAN Sigourney Weaver in the first alien movie. She's thin, muscular, some might say svelte, with stretch marks on her hip. Cellulite, lumps, bumps, wobbly bits, and a whole host of other things plague everyone. Doesn't make anyone any less attractive. Everyone has their own idea of what is and isn't sexy. Because one person doesn't find you attractive, doesn't mean that you aren't.


I love him very much and I know he does love me too so ill follow your advice because I want us to get past this and perhaps im making a big deal out of this and it might be just a fase, also I feel totally happy and satisfied in every other aspect in our live together is just the sex issue the fact I always have to very much intiate and seduce and im not used to that because usually in the past other partners will be the ones with in control of the ropes now i feel im the aggressive one when it comes to sex.

Good Luck.