Hi everyone,

First of all sorry for my bad english. I am new on this forum and the reason I am here is because I need some good advise on How I can win my wife's heart again.

I live in Pakistan and married the my wife back in July 2012. She lives in USA. This marriage was arranged by both of our parents. She has filed for my residency and I will move to USA soon. We have been in the Long Distance relationship since a year and above now. I know it is very hard. After we got married we were really happy and we have always been happy and always talked for hours on skype, phone, text, tango, ovoo and you name it. We also had some intimate nights on skype too. She belongs to a well settled family and works as a teacher and I am a apparal and fashion mercahandiser in Pakistan, Although its been just w and a half years for my job and I got my car but whatever I earn is not enough for me to make a trip to her and show my face and tell her and hug her with all emotions. Although I do want to desperately see her and give her sense of security and belonging which she misses a lot.

Now the real thing is, as time passed by I started to realise that the status is playing its role. I belong to a middle class family and she is a high maintenance lady. Although both of our families are really happy but I believe she is losing and due to this I am losing it too.

We have had several arguments and talks and fights over phone. She says She can not trust me and that My family is not worth loving and caring and me and my family are fake and the only reason I am marrying her is because I wanted to move abroad. Trust me this is not the reason and I already told her I have no issues living anywhere but than she says if I live anywhere but USA then what will happen to her career. Therefore I decided to move to USA and make my career there. But whenever we have fights she always brings this topic and makes me speechless and I end up trying to prove her it is not and than we have fights.

Slowly and gradually she has started to abuse everyone in my family and calls my family illetrate and says that I always give my family importance over her and I explain to her that it is just her thinking since we are not physically together. She always says that whenever she needs me but I am not there and we have arguments. She is coming back to paksitan in Nov and we have a grand ceremony of our marriage before we move to USA. She will be living here for two months before we go back and the reason is I wanted her to live with my family so she can at least spend and adjust with them it was all okay until few moths back she demanded to live seaprately right after marriage for these two months and I explained to her that it is not possible as we will be living for just two
Months and its better we live together before we start living separately in USA. She says those two months are the most crucial months considering we have been away for 1.5 years and I explain her that I know but she also needs to understand my situation. She always tells me that She wanted a partner who wold only listen to her which is realistically not possible and keep telling her that in reality I can never live with you 24/7 just as she can't due to work, responsibilities etc. I need help guys because day by day she is blaming me for everything and says that I am a hypocrite and that it was all planned.

I also want to point to the financial aspect that when we move there she has to support me until I get a job, I am an educated person and everyone in my family really love the way I have individually made myself but she thinks that I am an in capable man and that I am a liar. She believes I only think for the better of my family and give everything to them but not her. But this is not true.

It was just two days back that she blocked me from her Facebook saying that I don't Have time for her when in actual we on average talk around 3 + hours daily but due to time difference we sometime talk less and it is understanable.

So when she blocked me from her Facebook I got curious and I did the second biggest mistake of my life as I logged into her Facebook and unblocked myself and it really pissed her but I tried to explain her that I was stressed and not in my senses and I have immedaitely accepted that it is solely my fault but this has just worsened the relation to the extreme. I am really ashamed of what I did by logging into her Facebook and guilty too but I analyze that this is all because of wrong perceptions that we are at this stage.

She just said it on my face that I am not a man at all. But If I see the past I have always absorbed whatever she said to me and my family and I have never attacked her personality and never attached her family by words.

Please friends I know it is all mixed up but I want some great advise as to how to win her back. I send her gifts, flower and so many things all the time and I even sent her the cute dress an a diamond ring on our anniversary ans she loved it. There is this sudden change in behavior and mode in her that really makes me mad.


I need help!!

I'm trying to distill this to get to the real problem, and I think it's mostly financial. Her view:
- You haven't saved enough money to go see her, and for the future, and instead have been giving your family money and buying a car.
- You agreed to live in the US or anywhere, but I'm getting a sense that you would rather stay home. You bought a car, you want her to stay with family for 2 months to 'adjust with them,' a remark a fiancé makes when he wants to keep living with his family. Is there any grain of truth to that?

Your view: She is demanding and high maintenance and wants all plans to be her way, and has unrealistic expectations about the ability to afford things.

I'm sorry that this has spilled over into middle class vs upper class. I am not too familiar with the demands families make in Pakistan on their adult children, but do know they exist. If she has the sense that you would rather help out your family than be with her, and have already done so, then I do see problems for the marriage. Perhaps you can fix all this, and perhaps you can't. The Facebook hack was bad, but that can be forgotten if the bigger issues can be solved.

My suggestions: I understand that you can't afford to rent a place for 2 months and can live at home for free, but I would shorten the post-marriage time spent in Pakistan to a few days past the end of the wedding days. Sell the car before the wedding. Start working NOW on how to transfer your business to the US, and show her concrete plans to that effect. And stop sending gifts. Tell her you are SAVING every penny to make sure your business is running in the US, and for another car.

I'm trying to distill this to get to the real problem, and I think it's mostly financial. Her view:
- You haven't saved enough money to go see her, and for the future, and instead have been giving your family money and buying a car.
- You agreed to live in the US or anywhere, but I'm getting a sense that you would rather stay home. You bought a car, you want her to stay with family for 2 months to 'adjust with them,' a remark a fiance makes when he wants to keep living with his family. Is there any grain of truth to that?

Your view: She is demanding and high maintenance and wants all plans to be her way, and has unrealistic expectations about the ability to afford things.

I'm sorry that this has spilled over into middle class vs upper class. I am not too familiar with the demands families make in Pakistan on their adult children, but do know they exist. If she has the sense that you would rather help out your family than be with her, and have already done so, then I do see problems for the marriage. Perhaps you can fix all this, and perhaps you can't. The Facebook hack was bad, but that can be forgotten if the bigger issues can be solved.

My suggestions: I understand that you can't afford to rent a place for 2 months and can live at home for free, but I would shorten the post-marriage time spent in Pakistan to a few days past the end of the wedding days. Sell the car before the wedding. Start working NOW on how to transfer your business to the US, and show her concrete plans to that effect. And stop sending gifts. Tell her you are SAVING every penny to make sure your business is running in the US, and for another car.

Thanks for your put there is one misunderstanding and I think I should have cleared it. I did not but the car and the company I work for gave me the car, so if I leave the job I have to return it. You said It is status issue. I believe the same but it is not the same and lifestyle in Pakistan are no different than any other country in the world. My wife says that I have to be always to her side and to listen to her and do what she says. You also said about rent, but the house I am currently living in is also on rent and I contribute to it too. I don't spend on my family in fact I have been saving for past 1.5 years for the future that I want with my wife. The expenses I do are very basic and not extraordinary. I have been saving 80% of my salary since marriage for her and all the preparations for the grand ceremony are done. The fact is when ever we have different perspective we argue in all of this scenario. Once we fought over immigration issue when she said her parents spend mone on my process so I told her if that is the case I am always ready to pay for it but she says no as her parents will get offended. Trust me sometimes it is all perfect but other time it is going down the drain.

I know I have financial limitation and believe me every one knew before we got married. I am a Muslim man and she is Muslim too and we both have same family backgrounds. Yes we belong to the same family system and are distant cousins too but never knew each other. This is the reason our families are happy.

I am definitely moving to USA because that is what every one wants like she, her parents, my parents. Everyone wants me to take decisions that are good for her and I am already doing that...

Is it a possibility that she is missing me so much and want me to be there with her physically that she shows these massive behavioral changes and fights. Sometimes the fights get really dirty from her side and she bluntly says everything whreas I Listen and try to prove her a point.

Please give input. I believe Financial is a big issue but there is more than that, I just got a call from her in the morning saying that she will start dating again and want me not to call her. As far as I know her, she is just threatening me. She is a very nice girl and I still love her. I just want things to work normal and am kind of stuck and stressed.

Lastly, for you and all other memebers, trust me friends Pakistan is not a threatening country at all, its all crap that is feeded by media. It is a growing nation and has sensible people living.

If she is working in US, she can not just take off work for 2 months ( or very unlikely)

And it does really sound like you do not want to move to be with her, which was the arrangement. I will be blunt, if she has lived in US for any time at all, her values are most likely changing if even slightly, and you will have to accept and adjust to this.

Next you show her you are SORRY, and you do it by stopping being so selfish, start putting her ahead of your needs or desires, and most certainly her above your family.
That is most likely what an American women, (even Muslim) will be expecting

And if she has been living in US, she will be terrified of you country, and sorry, trying to tell her it is OK, can not change all of the media and education that she would have gotten in US.

I live in China, most of my friends think I will disappear any day, when government takes me away to a secret prison.
it is because there are not the same rights and protections as in the US.

You are not looking at this from the view point of an American ( assuming she has adatped to the culture there)

I was thinking about her 'Americanization' too. She's adapting to American ways. She sounds spoiled, BUT I think a lot of that is spilling over from her frustration that you haven't once gone to see her in 1.5 years! Plain and simple!
It might be too late, if she's threatening to date. We can't know - we aren't hearing from her.

I know quite a few foreign women and it sounds like typical behavior to me where they want things exactly how they want them. You have to decide how much jumping through hoops is she worth. You may love her for that or you may be putting yourself in a position where you could end up wondering what did you get yourself into. I'd seriously think about what all she is demanding and if and when you need to put your foot down. You go at your pace as you are, if she grows that impatient that she leaves you then maybe she wasn't worth it?

Foreign women all 'want things exactly how they want them?' Gosh, that's a lot of women. Besides she's not really foreign at all - they are both Pakistani Muslims and are even distantly related.

Maybe this problem should go back to the 2 families, since they arranged the marriage.
It's too complicated.
I still think you should have rushed to visit her in person within a month of the engagement. But you didn't, and it's a little late now. Now she suspects you of caring more about your family. I sort of don't blame her... even though she sounds spoiled.
Let the 2 families solve this.

Your parents may have arranged the marriage, but the two of you weren't forced to marry. Most of your marriage you two have been apart. I see that as the big issue.

She is also holding a big hammer over your head, implying by her words and actions that IF she goes ahead with bringing you back to the US after the grand ceremony, she wants to live apart. That sounds like some sort of deal that was made, along with the marriage. Are there plans to move your family members there as well? Not that that is a bad thing, but perhaps she is not willing to be in a traditional role with them if they move to the US.

She has blocked you on Facebook, and has essentially cut you off from her life, and probably her activities. That she is dating and wants nothing to do with you, except for sponsoring you, is contrary. Don't you have to live together for a certain amount of time to prove it wasn't some sort of scam to get you to the US? Is there money involved between the parents?

I don't know what she can do to make it any clearer that she doesn't want to be married to you, and if that is the case, what will you do? If you go over and this all falls apart, you'll be back in Pakistan, unemployed.

Forgive my ignorance, but there must be more to the story than just the two of you; perhaps both families have played a greater role than what has been said so far, and there is pressure coming from all sides because of it.

You have a long way to go before this grand ceremony, and do you think that she will actually come over sounding as she does, and stay for two months with your family that she sounds like she hates?

I don't know what to tell you other than if no love exists between the two of you, perhaps you should start thinking over your plans for the future with this woman, before you make such a drastic change in your life.

I got one major part wrong - you are married, not engaged to be married in Nov.
Jake I think got one thing wrong - you weren't planning to live separate from each other, but from family.
I still think this part is very important:
"She will be living here for two months before we go back and the reason is I wanted her to live with my family so she can atleast spend and adjust with them it was all okay until few moths back she demanded to live seaprately right after marriage for these two months and I explained to her that it is not possible as we will be living for just two months and its better we live together before we start living separately in USA. She says those two months are the most crucial months considering we have been away for 1.5 years and I explain her that I know but she also needs to understand my situation."
You mean live together with your family, right? And then separate from them in the US, right?
Do you see how that sounds? You really do sound totally attached to your family. What about 'your situation' needs 'understanding?' It makes no sense to me that she has to endure 2 months getting to know your family when she hasn't even had a chance to get to know you yet!
Maybe that's the 'American' part of her. I certainly understand how she feels.
You seem resistant to thinking this way, and I have a feeling you are kind of stubborn despite claiming you love her.

IF you want to save this marriage (and it isn't too late), tell your family sorry, you aren't living with them and are going to the US after two weeks, not two months. And to cut down some of the ceremony to save money for a hotel. All that is just for show anyway; it has nothing to do with Islam marriage.