My boyfriend never wants to have sex, and I can't figure out why. We've had many discussions about it but nothing changes. We used to have sex every time we saw each other in the beginning, now we go weeks without it until I ask him to have sex with me. Even then he makes me feel like it's a chore for him, yet he masturbates almost every day (he says it's easier to get himself off instead of always having sex, which hurts my self-esteem). He tells me that when you're with someone for so long, the sex becomes less frequent and that it has nothing to do with me. We've been together 3 years, I'm 22, and he's 25. I've only been having sex for 3 years (he was my first) while he's been having sex since he was 15. I still do not think it's normal for us to not be having sex very much and I'd really like to have it more often. When I try to touch him and turn him on, he pushes me away. When I walk around naked, he tries not to get turned on (although he doesn't always win that one ;) ).

I also think he is not happy with his body. He has gained a good amount of weight over the past year (he won't even let me see him with his shirt off). I feel like that is contributing as well as alcohol (we both like to drink which makes me want to have sex more, but makes him too lazy to want to have it). He's also having trouble financially. He is unemployed and has been looking for work, but I think it is contributing to his self-esteem. He's going back to school in 2 months, so I'm hoping that will make him feel better about himself, but I'm also afraid that it'll just make him even more tired and want sex even less.

He loves to hold me and cuddle with me and we each other just about every day. What can I do to get him more interested in sex again? I've asked him to go to the gym with me. He always says he'll go then backs out. I really feel like his weight gain is a big part of the problem. I still find him attractive and get turned on by him very easily, so I don't understand why he's so self-conscious around me or if that's even the reason why he doesn't want to have sex with me. Please help :(

Both of you suffer from a disconnect of the minds as neither can see the others viewpoint. Selfish of you both to be so distracted you both make it about you as individuals instead of as one.


we both like to drink which makes me want to have sex more, but makes him too lazy to want to have it). He's also having trouble financially. He is unemployed and has been looking for work, but i think it is contributing to his self-esteem.

Do you work, and have kids?

I work, no kids.

I think if you don't get distracted by the lack of sex, you both can work together to resolve your more pressing issues. Namely understanding each other and helping each other through the rough patches.