Our daughter just turned 21. She is fixing to begin her senior year of college, has 4.0 average. Varsity cheer captain, lofty goals for her life, basically has life in her back pocket. We have always supported her financially, but she has worked part-time since early teen years to have her own spending money. She has always been very mature and responsible for her age. She has always lived on campus with a full scholarship; although she has mentioned on a few occasions moving into apartment with girlfriends. We would tell her we would support her financially but if she chose to fore go her paid room and board at school, we would not help her financially with an apartment.

Well, she met a guy at college. She has moved in with him AND his roommate in a run down house. When the semester was over, she moved some of her things home but took most everything to his home. She would come home once or twice a week for a few hours. We also found out she had told us several lies about the guy and his situation. We also found out she was giving the guy and his family/friends her car to drive. We asked her to please stop since car/insurance was in our name. She kept doing it several more times. When we confronted her about her living arrangements, she stated she considered herself living with him. We, at that point, told her we would no longer support her financially. We asked her to come sit down and try to talk this all out and she refused stating "we were not going to corner her without him".

We never had a problem before talking through situations. She has repeatedly disrespected us as parents, cursed us, blamed us for all the recent problems. We have found out she is also having issues with her advisor's at school, as they have had issues with our daughter, which also involved this guy. Our once very close relationship is severely strained and we don't know how to approach situation going forward.

Any advice would be appreciated.

She is 21 years old.

Let her make her mistakes and learn from them.

Cutting her off financially is a good start.

She is 21 years old.

Let her make her mistakes and learn from them.

Cutting her off financially is a good start.

Thank you for advise. We are struggling with how to have a relationship with her now, after all this has happened.

I believe that she will come around.

Like I said, let her make her own mistakes and learn from them. She will soon realize why you and her father did not agree and/or support her decision of moving out of her dorm room.

Let her come to you when she is ready.

I believe that she will come around.

Like I said, let her make her own mistakes and learn from them. She will soon realize why you and her father did not agree and/or support her decision of moving out of her dorm room.

Let her come to you when she is ready.

Thanks so much. I am struggling with how to have regular everyday conversations with her right now. She has shown lots of disrespect, cursed us, blamed us. While I am overjoyed she is still in some contact with us, I don't know how to get past the hurt (we were very close and shared everything with each other.) I realize she has to cut the strings and stand on her own two feet, it has been the steps taken to achieve that. Should I just engage in normal conversations as always or continue to let her know I disapprove.

You've already been given good advice but I wanted to add just in case... tell her the car insurance has to go into her name now as you are no longer willing to take a chance with her letting all sorts of people drive a car that you are responsible for the insurance on.

We actually had to go get the car from her. After asking several times for her to sit down and talk with us AND put car and insurance in her name, she refused. She even sent her dad a text stating 'if I run it off in river no one will have it". He simply replied to her "just more of your irrational, uncharacteristic behavior". He and her older brother went and got the car; which left her and the two boys stranded for several days. She finally called and asked us to pick her up and take her to have it changed into her name. We did. We have now found out she has tried to get foodstamps, has tried to get payday loans, etc. She is still working and we fear it is for him, since he doesn't work.

Good to hear that you got the car taken care of.

Unfortunately, and this is a sad fact in many cases, she is going to do what she wants and the more you try to turn her from that, the more she will fight it to prove that she is right.

All you can do is be there for her when this all collapses on her eventually... and it probably will.

How would you suggest I handle our conversations from her on? Give her space and let her contact us? Reach out to her every few days? I truly appreciate your responses. This isn't how she was raised, nor how she has ever acted. Due to other things we have found out about the boyfriend, we suspect he is having a huge influence on her right now. We don't want to push her farther away, but we also want her to know we don't accept the situation and her bad choices.

I have a relatively similar situation with my daughter. Although she has not moved out... yet.

All of your financing has been pulled, correct? She pays her own cell phone?

I wouldn't cut off communication entirely, I would wait and let her contact you on her terms. The more you attempt to contact her, the more she will feel like you are trying to "butt" in on her life.

You may not accept the situation, or the bad choices, but it is her situation and her bad choices. She has to live with the consequences and the fall out from that.

Yes we put car/insurance in her name and she began paying cellphone and insurance this month. Although she has full scholarship, we have always paid access fees/books/etc for her. We have told her we do not plan to do it anymore. We have explained that it isn't about punishing her or about the boyfriend. We feel we have always been very specific about our support. We explained she made the decision, as an adult per her, to forego our support to live her life as she sees fit. We have found out she shunned a summer commitment trip, all expenses paid by the university, and is now facing the responsibility of reimbursing univ the expense they paid out for her commitment. She said she didn't want to go on trip with the univ due to they (her, boyfriend, roommate) plan to take across the US in a few weeks... and might I add her car, with her paying the way.

We feel she is risking throwing away a 4 year full scholarship to a prestigious college, her values, morals, her life for the one boyfriend, who has not shown us any responsibilities yet. She has always been an A+ student, very committed, strong, determined, yet has made a few mistakes along the way. However, this is definitely not normal behavior

Rest assured that you are doing the right thing. If she wants to play grown up, she has to deal with the consequences.

I'm wondering if there are drugs or alcohol involved.

Yes we put car/insurance in her name and she began paying cellphone and insurance this month. Although she has full scholarship, we have always paid access fees/books/etc for her. We have told her we do not plan to do it anymore. We have explained that it isn't about punishing her or about the boyfriend. we feel we have always been very specific about our support. We explained she made the decision, as an adult per her, to forego our support to live her life as she sees fit. We have found out she shunned a summer commitment trip, all expenses paid by the university, and is now facing the responsibility of reimbursing univ the expense they paid out for her commitment. She said she didn't want to go on trip with the univ due to they (her, boyfriend, roommate) plan to take across the US in a few weeks.... and might I add in her car, with her paying the way.
I just cannot believe, in the dark of night, she isn't lying awake thinking about money and where it is going to come from. Her financial responsibilities are getting higher and higher. And she has to wake up and smell the coffee that she is the only one contributing. And as a 4.0 student, she will eventually regret (if she doesn't already) the missed opportunity her university offered her for free. I hope she wakes up soon with "What am I doing to myself?"

Believe me, we have suspected drugs,; (weight loss, erratic behavior, etc however he is one of the top athletes at the university, and she cheers. They have random drug test. I know they return in 4 weeks for annual physicals. I am praying if drugs/alcohol are involved, it will be exposed. She has always been very fit and lead a healthy lifestyle, but I do not have my head stuck in the sand.

I am, however, afraid of a control issue. We have been told the young man has a very controlling attitude, self centered, can't be trusted; actually described as a snake in the grass. We have witnessed occasions where he 'wouldn't talk to her because she didn't answer her phone, or asked him to call later since we were eating dinner. The few times we have been around him, we have caught him in several lies.

I just cannot believe, in the dark of night, she isn't lying awake thinking about money and where it is going to come from. Her financial responsibilities are getting higher and higher. And she has to wake up and smell the coffee that she is the only one contributing. And as a 4.0 student, she will eventually regret (if she doesn't already) the missed opportunity her university offered her for free. I hope she wakes up soon with "What am I doing to myself?"

I truly pray this is the case. She literally had her life planned out. She was actually accepted into Marine Corp OCS (which is very hard to get in to). She had already done her mini bootcamp at Parris Island. She has given that up, as well as opportunity to intern with an NFL team. (As I said earlier, she is very self motivated and driven). Yes, she has made mistakes, but we know how blessed we are, and have had so many people tell us as much.Yet, now when asked why she would try to get government assistance, she says 'hey its free'. This is same girl who was willing to serve our country 6 months ago.

Yes, sounds like controlling behavior indeed.

Unfortunately, at 21, all you can do is to be there for her to pick up the pieces when she falls.

She got the taste of freedom at college, I know the story. I'm living it with my 19 year old. Luckily, she has "seen the light" here recently when she spent $100 to get her hair done then a week later her car broke down. We asked her how she is going to afford to get the car fixed. She looked at us like a deer in the headlights when she found out it would be $400. We told her that those are the consequences of living on your own. Suffice it to say, she has seen the light, so to speak, and hubby is outside fixing the car right now.

Yet, now when asked why she would try to get government assistance, she says 'hey its free'.

How about "hey, it's NOT free! Everyone else pays for that, maybe not you, but your best friend, your grandmother, your aunt or uncle." Oh, and if she is found buying food for the boyfriend or roommate with those food stamps she could have to pay that back, pay a huge fine and face time in jail.

Yes, sounds like controlling behavior indeed.

Unfortunately, at 21, all you can do is to be there for her to pick up the pieces when she falls.

She got the taste of freedom at college, I know the story. I'm living it with my 19 year old. Luckily, she has "seen the light" here recently when she spent $100 to get her hair done then a week later her car broke down. We asked her how she is going to afford to get the car fixed. She looked at us like a deer in the headlights when she found out it would be $400. We told her that those are the consequences of living on your own. Suffice it to say, she has seen the light, so to speak, and hubby is outside fixing the car right now.

I can only wish our situation had resolved so easily!! We thought when she found out she would have to reimburse univ, she would reconsider... not at all... she actually accused advisors of being control freaks just like her parents.

Well, ours isn't resolved in it's entirety. We are still taking baby steps.

My girl was on varsity cheer as well. Had high aspirations, spent a semester in ROTC before deciding it wasn't for her. Went from a social work/psychology degree to an undecided and changed from university to community college. Now is wondering if there are professions that she could intern at rather than having to go to college.

From the get go we never assisted with college (she had a college fund left to her from her great grandfather), well, she blew through that. No money left. But she is insistent on doing this on her own, and we are going to let her. However, she can't live here if she is not going to college.

Oh, the stories I could tell you that come out of the immature mouth of a 19 year old. Mind you, she is very mature for her age, but like your daughter has no clue what the real world is all about.

How about "hey, it's NOT free! Everyone else pays for that, maybe not you, but your best friend, your grandmother, your aunt or uncle." Oh, and if she is found buying food for the boyfriend or roommate with those food stamps she could have to pay that back, pay a huge fine and face time in jail.

That was her dad and brother's exact response 'it's my tax dollars paying for it'! We have honestly tried every approach we know. We are both fine with her testing the waters of adulthood, however it is the erratic behavior and deception lately. We are concerned someone besides herself is calling the shots.

We are more than willing to let her 'fly or fall'; but we are having a hard time sitting idly while a boyfriend, his family, and friends take advantage of her.

I know. It's hard to let the baby bird fly from the nest. My girl is my third baby bird that is testing her wings. The first two, sons, did fabulous! And they say girls mature faster than boys? However, many girls are more easily manipulated.

It hurts as a parent to watch all of what we taught them and instilled in them go to the trash. I thought giving birth was hard, but letting go is harder. It's like sitting back and watching a snowball turn into an avalanche and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I know. It's hard to let the baby bird fly from the nest. My girl is my third baby bird that is testing her wings. The first two, sons, did fabulous! And they say girls mature faster than boys?! However, many girls are more easily manipulated.

It hurts as a parent to watch all of what we taught them and instilled in them go to the trash. I thought giving birth was hard, but letting go is harder. It's like sitting back and watching a snowball turn into an avalanche and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Our 1st, a son, also did wonderful. A few glitches, but turned out awesome with wonderful little family. But this sweet little baby girl has turned into someone we don't even recognize. We keep praying this will resolve before too long.

As I read you, I feel like I am looking into a mirror. I don't feel so alone in this anymore.

It actually makes me feel better knowing we aren't the only parents going through this. It has been a horrible month or so in our family. I actually felt my heart ripping through my body when her dad and brother went and got her car from her. I could not believe our lives had been reduced to abandoning our little girl in another town. I feel so terrible for anyone going through this, but at least maybe I can quit questioning my ability as a mom!

. It's like sitting back and watching a snowball turn into an avalanche and there is nothing you can do to stop it.[/QUOTE]

I kind of like the analogy my sweet daughter in law made... she said it's kind of like a run in panty hose... you can protect it, try to not pull that spot, yet it will run anyway. But, she said, if you don't do anything, well, it will STILL run anyway.

That is pretty much how I have felt past few months, no matter what I do, she is going to run to him and the situation, and yet, blame me for it all. I am sure there is some irony in all this somewhere.

There is irony in it. When she is 42 with adult children, she will say "I'm sorry mom for all of the grief I put you through."

I have actually had contact with one of our daughter's past advisors. Seems as though she is sticking to her story that she is a responsible adult who still has lofty goals and plans to achieve them; sticks by her story that this boyfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to her, he makes her happy. She continues to plead her case with others that she wants to be accepted, loved, and supported by her parents, not controlled. Yet, she seems to leave out the details of how much he is influencing her decisions. It is as though we have never been supportive parents and have ALWAYS controlled her. We find ourselves questioning if the past 21 years have been as miserable as she proclaims. I also wonder if this is her defense mechanism, keep us defending our parenting in order for her to not have to answer for her actions?

I also wonder if this is her defense mechanism, keep us defending our parenting in order for her to not have to answer for her actions?
She can't blame the boyfriend, so she has to blame SOMEone -- ah! Her parents. She knows you will never stop loving her, so you're an easy target right now.

The relationship is strained since it appears you confront daughter and tell her she is making mistakes, and try to still tell her what she should do.

She is grown and free to make her own mistakes, She wants a relationship with you, that allows her to make those mistakes and not find you blaming or finding fault.

So what about accepting this is how she wants to live, accept she has made a choice,a and just viist and enjoy time with daughter, don't try to tell her she is wrong, do not try to get her to change

The relationship is strained since it appears you confront daughter and tell her she is making mistakes, and try to still tell her what she should do.

She is grown and free to make her own mistakes, She wants a relationship with you, that allows her to make those mistakes and not find you blaming or finding fault.

So what about accepting this is how she wants to live, accept she has made a choice,a nd just viist and enjoy time with daughter, don't try to tell her she is wrong, do not try to get her to change

We have told her we will accept her decisions as an adult and will never try to hold her back. The thing we are dealing with is her total disrespect to us. I appreciate your comment and it has given me something to think about. However, we have a hard time with the steps taken to reach independence. I might add I have lost my father during this. She has shown total disrespect to me, her grandmother, and rest of family during the loss. Maybe we should just accept she isn't the person we always felt we knew? Maybe she has always been this person and we chose not to see it? Thank you again for your response. I truly appreciate your opinion.

Back off and let her make her mistakes. It's never easy to cut the chord, and accept she is choosing her own path. Parents will always worry and will be there as she takes her first steps on her own. Hell we will worry about our kids until we die.

I still do and mine are closer to 40 than 30. At some point a parent accepts the change of kids growing up and on their own and have to get their own lives. If they are nasty and disrespectful, you leave the young fools alone and pray for them. But why argue with a grown adult even if you gave birth to them because they will either get it or not, and only time will tell.

Thank you for your advise. I am seriously taking all comments to heart. Just being able to discuss the issues has helped. Yes I have talked to family, friends, church family; however, they, too, are close to situation and find it astounding she has suddenly decided to make such bold moves. I guess as parents, we were living in a bubble and never thought we would face this. Thanks again.