We started dating five years ago. I was employed and living on my own. He was working in the same city as me but living 60 miles away. So it made since that he would stay with me on most work days, so we could spend time together and he saved on gas.

A lot of things happened within two years which caused him to move back home with his parents and he quit his job two months later. For six months he was unemployed but to keep the relationship alive I would drive two and a half hours to his parents house and we would spend every other weekend together. He would not pay gas for me to get there or help pay half. My car broke twice during that time, costing 1000 dollars to repair, in which he did not help with.

After six months he found a job and found a house to buy way out in the country by his parents. He asked me to move in with him, so I left my job and made the move three hours away.

I have been having a hard time finding a job. The nearest store is 30 minutes away from us and we are so far out we cannot even get internet service. Which is pretty crazy in this day and age.

It has been a year. I am still without a job. He does pay the house bills, but I don't make any other bills for him. I have money saved up that I use to pay for my food, car insurance, car is paid off, cell and I pay my half when we go out.

I have the house clean everyday, I do 100 percent of the housework, was all the clothes, dishes, etc.. And I make sure to have dinner cooked for him and warm when he gets home.

We get along fine most of the time but he goes into screaming fits everynow and then saying how I am not even a real person because I don't have a job and I don't have a right to an opinion because I don't work.

He is a very outgoing and socialable person and I am more quiet and shy. He is very nice and charming it seems to everyone but me. In the beginning, he treated me great but lately he has seemed to be treating me like I'm not even a real person.

He has just told me that I have to find a job or we are breaking up. He told me that I am the best person he has ever met and I have treated him better than anyone else ever has. That I am his best friend and he loves me with all his heart but I have to get a job.

I left so we would stop fighting and now I am currently looking for a job in the city where I lived with him and in the city I am in now. Its been a week of sending resumes and filling out applications. He texts me everyday and says how he misses me. I have found out he has a dating profile on match and plenty of fish. Plus he has been going out and talking to girls giving out his number.

Am I as bad as he makes me out to be? Should I keep looking for a job in his city? Hoping I find something and we can get back together? OR should I focus all my energy in finding a job in my current city? IS this a normal relationship?

Truthfully, after being treated that way, I would cut him completely out of my life. Live for yourself and find a job for you... not for him. Do what is going to help you and make your life better. What he did was wrong and not the way you treat someone you care about. You can do better, just believe in YOU.

Get a job and don't worry about him.

Money really is the number one cause of fighting between two people sharing a life.
You shelled out gas and car repairs.
He somehow bought a house (?) and you moved in. You were worth many hours of cooking and cleaning, while he provided the roof over your head.
What I would do?
Write it down to clear the air. How much did each of you put in, financially? Count time too, and free rent, except for driving to see him.
How does it look?

Then stay where you are. You need a job before a relationship. He might go through a bunch of dates and still want you back. You and he can assess the situation then, but it might never work. Logistically!

I think he knows full well that employment for you seems impossible. That might be the excuse behind the anger to justify his seeking other female companionship.

I agree that you carry your own weight. All things being equal, he should see what he would be doing, should you be gone. A cook and housecleaner alone is worth at least minimum wage I'd think- probably a lot more.

But, again, I don't think his insistence on you finding a job and bringing in an income as well as (likely) doing all the other things that you do, is the problem.

The problem is, if he cannot be honest with you about him being on an online dating site, nor can he explain is explosive temper (which I think is all related to the same issue), then it is time to move on.

You have tried to talk to him haven't you?

But, he can't have it both ways. He can't be looking for love or a relationship online, while at the same time being critical and demanding of you because of his decision to live so far away from employment opportunities for you.

Consider all your options. Staying put- meaning putting up with things as they are now, moving- gaining your independence back, or- let him go entirely.

I think he knows full well that employment for you seems impossible. That might be the excuse behind the anger to justify his seeking other female companionship.

I agree that you carry your own weight. All things being equal, he should see what he would be doing, should you be gone. A cook and housecleaner alone is worth at least minimum wage I'd think- probably a lot more.

But, again, I don't think his insistence on you finding a job and bringing in an income as well as (likely) doing all the other things that you do, is the problem.

The problem is, if he cannot be honest with you about him being on an online dating site, nor can he explain is explosive temper (which I think is all related to the same issue), then it is time to move on.

You have tried to talk to him haven't you?

But, he can't have it both ways. He can't be looking for love or a relationship online, while at the same time being critical and demanding of you because of his decision to live so far away from employment opportunities for you.

Consider all your options. Staying put- meaning putting up with things as they are now, moving- gaining your independence back, or- let him go entirely.


Thanks for all the feedback.

As far as the dating sites, he wasn't using them till after I left. He talks to me everyday sometimes he is nice other times he says he blames me for abandoning him and leaving him with the responsibility of the house and bills.

Why are you still talking to him? You have bigger problems to solve like getting back on your own two feet and building a life that you enjoy and are happy with. You left because you weren't happy, didn't you?

And look at that... even if you're not together he's still throwing blame at you and trying to make you feel like you're wrong. What does that tell you?

And look at that...even if you're not together he's still throwing blame at you and trying to make you feel like you're wrong. What does that tell you?

He keeps asking me to come visit.

I don't think he sees the big picture, from what you say.
His parents may have helped him with the down payment in exchange for living close - what good is that for you?
You seem conflicted about what to do, where to go.
That's why I think you should literally write down what each of you has contributed to the relationship financially (and how about more than minimum wage for housework). I think you should do it together. It doesn't solve the emotional aspects, but it gets that big quagmire of resentment over who sacrificed what out of the way.

Make this a clean cut and you won't be pulled in his direction which obviously conflicts with your own to YOUR distress.

Get on, and follow your own path to YOUR own happiness. If contact with him confuses you STOP it!

I don't think he sees the big picture, from what you say.
His parents may have helped him with the down payment in exchange for living close - what good is that for you?
You seem conflicted about what to do, where to go.
That's why I think you should literally write down what each of you has contributed to the relationship financially (and how about more than minimum wage for housework). I think you should do it together. It doesn't solve the emotional aspects, but it gets that big quagmire of resentment over who sacrificed what out of the way.



His opinion is that there is ZERO value for the housework. Therefore, he has put 100 percent financially and I have done ZERO.

His parents didn't help him get the house. But, he does live within 20 minutes of them and I am three hours from mine.

His opinion is that there is ZERO value for the housework. Therefore, he has put 100 percent financially and I have done ZERO.


Thanks for all the feedback.

As far as the dating sites, he wasn't using them till after I left. He talks to me everyday sometimes he is nice other times he says he blames me for abandoning him and leaving him with the responsibility of the house and bills.

He doesn't value housework but complains because now he has to be responsible and do it himself. That alone would make me think all he wants is a free housekeeper who warms his bed especially if he almost immediately jumped on dating sites after he told me to move out and I did because he gave me an ultimatum. Then blames me for his lack of self-control. If he wants to control something, let it be himself.

I would make certain I have all of my stuff out of his house and then I would stop all forms of communication. There is no sense in allowing his confusion to become yours. Find a job you like where you want to live. Meet new people and enjoy your life without him. You deserve better than he wants to give.

Good luck.

He doesn't value housework but complains because now he has to be responsible and do it himself. That alone would make me think all he wants is a free housekeeper who warms his bed especially if he almost immediately jumped on dating sites after he told me to move out and I did because he gave me an ultimatum. Then blames me for his lack of self-control. If he wants to control something, let it be himself.

I would make certain I have all of my stuff out of his house and then I would stop all forms of communication. There is no sense in allowing his confusion to become yours. Find a job you like where you want to live. Meet new people and enjoy your life without him. You deserve better than he wants to give.

Good luck.


It sadly seems that way doesn't it.


Another thing I was always wondering is that for the first four years we were always living separated and filed taxes as we always did. But for the last year while we were living together he claimed that he HAD to claim me so he could get a bigger tax return and threw an enormous screaming fit when I wouldn't let him.

To me it always seemed that we would combine financial things if we got engaged or married. When we were on the route of committing legally.

I always had this feeling like I shouldn't let him because it felt like he could just kick me out whenever he wanted. Am I being wrong in thinking this?

Well, he did kick you out (asked you to leave, same difference),and you got none of the tax money, I bet, so explain why you talk to him and not told him to kiss your a$$, and leave you alone?

Oh right he will change into Prince Charming!! You should have followed your guy instead of your heart, no you were dead on in your thinking. Too bad you didn't listen. Are you listening now?

No I never let him claim me. So he doesn't have tax money.


I don't know. I loved the guy?

Its been two weeks after five years. My head spins when I think of it all.

He used you and went home when it was not good for you, after that you gave up job and moved,

Did you and he even ask about where to buy a house, did he consider you when he did this. Or did he merely expect you to give up everything.

I would say, leave him, break and go on

"He keeps asking me to come visit."

In my neck of the woods this is a booty call. I agree with Odinn (and others) - why are you putting up with this?

As far as the value of your "services," I wouldn't even have the discussion, yet alone get out an adding machine to figure out the value of my cleaning/cooking/whatever.

Why are you even talking to him?

"He keeps asking me to come visit."

In my neck of the woods this is a booty call. I agree with Odinn (and others) - why are you putting up with this?

As far as the value of your "services," I wouldn't even have the discussion, yet alone get out an adding machine to figure out the value of my cleaning/cooking/whatever.

Why are you even talking to him?


Finally went back to get the rest of my stuff. I was initially scared to see him again, thought it might be some big fight or he would have a girl over. But it was fine, we actually got along pretty well. He was being very nice to me. We kind of discussed some of our problems. The big stand out to me was that when I told him about some of things that he has been saying and doing that has been hurting me. He says, "It hurts me that you won't get a job, and we can't live happily ever after."

My mind tells me that if someone really wants it to work then they stick together and make it work through the ups and DOWNS in life. If I am having a hard time finding a job then your life partner should stick with you, right? Maybe that's too much to ask, I don't know.

Finally went back to get the rest of my stuff. I was initially scared to see him again, thought it might be some big fight or he would have a girl over. But it was fine, we actually got along pretty well. He was being very nice to me. We kinda discussed some of our problems. The big stand out to me was that when I told him about some of things that he has been saying and doing that has been hurting me. He says, "It hurts me that you won't get a job, and we can't live happily ever after."

My mind tells me that if someone really wants it to work then they stick together and make it work through the ups and DOWNS in life. If I am having a hard time finding a job then your life partner should stick with you, right? Maybe thats too much to ask, I dunno.




Another thing that is strange is we have a friend that is currently getting married to a woman that does not have a job. They live together and he works offshore and pays 100 percent of the bills. Plus, she has three children from previous relationships, that our friend is fully supporting as well.

They just announced they are getting married and my ex tells them how happy he is for them and how it is so great and wonderful and he is going to be part of the wedding. But for our relationship it is unacceptable that I don't work.

No this is not a normal relationship , in my opinion you should keep doing everything you can to get a job and leave him alone because if he really misses you and wants you back in his life he would be helping you look for a job yet he's making dating profiles and meeting up with women : he's no good for you , I'm sure you'll be able to find someone that treats you better.

I AM glad you got the cold hard money part out in the open because it revealed a deep double standard in him.
Studies do show over and over that money is number one on the list of relationship problems.
It's done - don't get embroiled in how he sees the other couple. It's just clouding the issue.
Maybe when you are somewhere where you can get a job he will see you in a new light (all over again).

I AM glad you got the cold hard money part out in the open because it revealed a deep double standard in him.
Studies do show over and over that money is number one on the list of relationship problems.
It's done - don't get embroiled in how he sees the other couple. It's just clouding the issue.
Maybe when you are somewhere where you can get a job he will see you in a new light (all over again).



There is another major detail to this story. A year and a half ago, I dropped him off at the airport so he could go to a work training out of state. Well, he cheated on me during that trip. Claimed he was out of his mind drunk and things got out of hand and begged for me to forgive him.