So my ex broke up with me nearly 3 weeks ago and after the initial stages of me begging her back (which I now know is stupid) we've been NC for 4 days.
(for more info read my thread "i still love my ex, dont want to move on")

OK, so after 4 days NC I get this text from her at 6am (before she goes to work) it says:
"Morning! how have ur days at work going? are they happy to have you back?"

(I was off work because of a broken arm)

So what the hell? Why would she care how work is going? Pretty strange questions... I don't understand why she would send me this...

Should I reply? If so what should I say?

If I don't reply is that being childish?

I don't get it...

No its not being childish at all.

She broke up with you. Meaning she forfeited the right to have you in her life anymore as far as I'm concerned.

I wouldn't answer.

I don't think she really wants to know the answer. I think she wants to see if she still has control over you. It is unfair that people do this when they break up with someone.

It is over between you two. There can be no friendship right now and small talk like this is just making it harder.

Although at the time it hurt like hell I am so thankful my ex was good enough to realise that when she broke up with me the best thing she could do was leave me alone. At first I wondered how on earth she could be so cruel but now I realise that it was actually the best thing she could have ever done for me.

Sorry to get off track, but as I said in my opinion you don't owe her an answer to that question.

Your moving on and she is in the past now. As much as that hurts I am here to tell you that responding to her will not help matters at all.

BTW, good to see another Aussie here. Melbourne is an awesome city!!

Follow the above advice! Here is what I posted for someone else, I think it sums up what I think you should do.

Welcome

Your journey to the new you starts now! This is a learning experience which will be a benefit you for the rest of your life. Treat it as one and move on with a new zest for life.

1) Abide by No Contact - It will allow you to heal and of course ignorance is bliss - never try and hear things or pass on things through the grape vine
2) Join the gym - go with mates if you have to
3) Start a new hobby
4) Meet new people
5) Try going different places and running your life differently
6) Unfortunately for us change is the only constant in life and the transition will be painful but you must accept your pain and live in it, feel it and then one day the pain will be gone!
7) There is no saying you won't meet again or become friends but in the mean time you must give up hope until your head clears - probably after a couple of months.
8) Spend time with your friends - they will be your closest allies
9) Read over the forum here and old posts - post here and help others - rant here if you need to
10) Go on a short break
11) Listen to music - not necessarily depressing cut your wrists music.
12) Don't forget she ain't dead and she's living her life and being happy - the best revenge is for you to do the same.

Confusing I know, she probably doesn't know why she text you either so don't stress over it. Do not contact her for any reason right now. She broke up with you so now is your time to get over her. Let your emotions come under control so you can see things a lot more clearly. Be prepared to see her under a light of clarity, since you will not be blinded by love. The important thing is to stay on the path and heal.

I look back at my ex now after 40 days and I can nearly see what went wrong. I can also see how we weren't right for each other. Not saying we weren't good together but she wasn't prepared to take part or become part of what I currently enjoyed doing. This NC will let you see clearly. Maybe you will be friends but first give yourself time, block her.

Thanks guys, its so good to hear from people that have been through it before and who have felt the hurt that I feel...
I still wish I had her in my life, I had so many great plans for our future, but I'm starting to realize that that's over and I have to start looking at MY future now...

The day that this gets easier will be the start of my new life, hopefully that day comes sooner rather than later!

so my ex broke up with me nearly 3 weeks ago and after the initial stages of me begging her back (which i now know is stupid) we've been NC for 4 days.
(for more info read my thread "i still love my ex, dont want to move on")

ok, so after 4 days NC i get this text from her at 6am (before she goes to work) it says:
"Morning! how have ur days at work going? are they happy to have you back?"

(i was off work because of a broken arm)

So what the hell? why would she care how work is goin? pretty strange questions... i dont understand why she would send me this...

Should i reply? if so what should i say?

if i dont reply is that being childish?

i dont get it...
Hi, my guess is that she is missing you and wants to know that you are all right, if it is not too painful answer as a friend, nothing too heavy and see where it takes you, if it is too painful tell her how her text makes you feel and ask her what she wanted to achieve by it after so long with no contact. She has made the first move.

Hi, my guess is that she is missing you and wants to know that you are alright, if it is not too painful answer as a friend, nothing too heavy and see where it takes you, if it is too painful tell her how her text makes you feel and ask her what she wanted to achieve by it after so long with no contact. She has made the first move.


I'm not sure... that sort of goes against what everyone else is saying...

I agree with iscorpio, why else would she text you had to be on her mind otherwise she would never have text!!

Just want to say thanks to everyone that has replied to my posts, your support and advice has been fantastic in aiding my recovery... it still hurts but its getting easier...

So yeah, now a week NC on my part, she sent me ANOTHER text today. That's 2 in 4 days.
"Hi! did u get my msg last week? Well i hope work is going ok. Let me know how u are and ur arm is. Please"

So...
I know what you mean iscorpio, that she is thinking about me, but replying as a friend is just what she wants. She probably just wants me to say 'yeah I'm doing ok' to make herself feel a little better.
I'm past the denial stage and into the anger stage, she turned my life upside down, why would I want to make things easy for her..

I'm past the denial stage and into the anger stage, she turned my life upside down, why would I want to make things easy for her..

All the more reason to leave her alone. Your not ready yet. No hurry take things in your own time.

She just sent a couple of IM's on msn, which I ignored then went offline... (one saying "are you not talking to me?")

Am I going too far, I'm starting to feel a bit bad... but at the same time, I wouldn't know what to say to her.

Stay offline and stay busy with other things. When you know what you want to say, answer.



I'm past the denial stage and into the anger stage, she turned my life upside down, why would I want to make things easy for her..


Now you feel bad? How will you feel next. Until those feelings are under control leave it alone.

Just leave it. You aren't ready to contact her. It won't do you any good.

Remember she is the one who asked for this. She broke up with you and it is unfair for her to expect the break up to be all on her terms. i.e. You have to answer her just because she wants to know something.

It isn't being rude. It is taking care of yourself. Just like she did when she left you.

Reread this thread, and your other one. If your honest she is the one dictating all the terms, so re-examine why you feel bad about not returning her contact.

am I going too far, I'm starting to feel a bit bad... but at the same time, I wouldn't know what to say to her.
Your just getting started. Takes more than 4 days.

OK so here's a situation that is 1 in a million...
I was watching the news and saw that a russian swim coach assaulted a female employee in a melbourne hotel. Then the camera pans to the hotel my ex works at...

Is this a reason to break nc? Should I see if it was her?
Does it really matter? I mean there's nothing I can do if it was or wasn't her...

Don't panic and stop acting like your together. You'll be all right just hang in. Its like quitting drugs but hang in.

No its no reason to call her! If she is in distress and needs you then she will ask. I believe you when you say your concerned about this but in situations like this we tend to look for excuses to call them.

I was nearly killed by a concrete panel that fell a metre or so away from me at work not long after my ex broke up with me. I used that as an excuse to call her because I was scared. When I look back on it it was so weak and petty.

Just leave her be and focus on yourself.

Thanks guys, I'm hanging in there...

Why don't you head out to the World Swimming Champs to take your mind off things. Lots of eye candy out there. ;)

DAMMIT I broke NC...

She 'confronted' me on msn asking if I had a problem with her and why I was ignoring her...
I was dumb enuf to respond. Anyway she said she had some news, but I said I didn't want to talk. And that was it... sounds harmless enough... but...
LET THIS BE A LESSON TO EVERYONE!! NC means NO CONTACT
I feel like crap knowing that 'she has news' even though I don't know what it is, it still sucks...
I'm really angry at myself for being weak, I don't know what I was trying to achieve...
Anyway, for anyone thinking about breaking NC, MAKE SURE UR READY!!

Relax and get back on the path, beating yourself up is a waste of time. But take it as a lesson that she is good at pushing your buttons. I have no doubt you will see other things you didn't realise about her in the future. I really don't mean it in bad way, but love does blind us sometimes.

Yeah I already am seeing things about her that I didn't really notice, or chose to ignore...
The reason I am angry is because I know how she always like's to be in control... finally, with NC, I had some control back...

I hope this experience helps other people, NC works, don't break it until you are ready to

:P Be strong!! Were rooting for you =D =D :)

yeah i already am seeing things about her that i didnt really notice, or chose to ignore...
the reason i am angry is because i know how she always like's to be in control... finally, with NC, I had some control back...

i hope this experience helps other ppl, NC works, dont break it until you are ready to

Of course you have control back...

Go one step further and change your phone number!

Of course you have control back...

Go one step further and change your phone number!!


I think changing my number would hand all control back to her, meaning I would be changing something in my life because of her... I don't think it is a positive move

i think changing my number would hand all control back to her, meaning i would be changing something in my life because of her... i dont think it is a positive move

Not at all, with the greatest respect to you.

It is positive...

I did this and it worked wonders.. I stopped checking my phone wondering if she (my ex) had called or text because she did not know my new number. On the contrary, by doing this it shows her you are willing and able to move on without her and be unavailable. While there is a line of communication open, ask yourself, are you really free?

I can understand your point, but I think it may be a little drastic (no disrespect to you)
My situation is improving and I guess I can handle her being able to contact me by phone. I have ignored her text's, and I'm barely checking for messages at all anymore. My weakness is msn, and after today's incident I have blocked her on my list...

Good man! Keep it up. Delete it and her email 2 and do not store it, try to manually delete it from your brain - if you can do it. Ignore the temptation to re add

i can understand your point, but i think it may be a little drastic (no disrespect to you)
my situation is improving and i guess i can handle her being able to contact me by phone. I have ignored her text's, and im barely checking for messages at all anymore. my weakness is msn, and after todays incident i have blocked her on my list...

What works for me may not work for you.

I like Geoffs suggestion but sometimes changing your number might seem drastic. I couldn't because of work but I think I would have had it not been a work phone as well as personal. Not so I wasn't tempted to call her but so I didn't look every 5 minutes to see if she had called or messaged me.

But I understand why you wouldn't want to and that's fine. But if I were you I would block her on MSN, block her emails, take away all forms of contact with her. Don't you see you are allowing it to happen. Deep down I bet you are glad when it does but then afterwards you realise that it makes you feel worse.

Although you think changing your number is drastic surely you can't think that deleting her from MSN is as well. Do that and then things like this won't happen.

Remember you have control over what happens in your life. Not her or others but YOU! Its up to you to control it in the best way you can. And at the moment I don't think you are. But that is fine. We all learn the hard way. Its part of the process.

she needs you. call her and see what can be done. if you can't move on, and she still needs you, go to her. you can be eachothers strength. two trees falling on eachother can hold eachother up.

Hmmm I don't know, she seemed more angry than needy when she asked why I wasn't talking to her...
What if she doesn't need me, what if she just wants to tell me how fantastic her life is now without me..
That would be setting myself up for more hurt. Wouldn't it??

hmmm i dunno, she seemed more angry than needy when she asked why i wasnt talking to her...
what if she doesnt need me, what if she just wants to tell me how fantastic her life is now without me..
that would be setting myself up for more hurt. wouldnt it???

Im sorry but the advice you were given by solid here where did I go wrong is off the mark.

Please re-read everything else we have told you. You need to begin to move on. No contact!!

Its not that I don't trust you, but I'm more concerned about my hurt than hers, after all she was the one that left...

Bloody hell I'm so confused now, I want to know her 'news' even though it will probably make me feel worse...
NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC
Its so hard knowing that she'll be out of my life forever, even if it is for the best...

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by contacting her now. I can assure you of that. As I say, we all know where you are right now and it is painful and hurts a lot. But it does get better. You just have to trust us and listen!!

Ahhhh this sucks...

As we all know, Yes it does. So you had better get busy.

Maybe it's the booze talking, but I'm really ttempted to call her or email her to see what she's been doing with herself...
I mean I dun reallt want to know if she's been happy, but maybe she is missing me, because I'm sure missing her...

Absolutely no drinking and dialing, you will regret that action and make things much worse.

Hey there, I'm going through the EXACT situation and I'm telling you, be STRONG. My girlfriend broke up with me, and she's going out with her best friend now, but still she's still trying to reach me.

I tried NC and I always went back after 1-2 days because she always knows what to say. Last Friday I decided it was time to QUIT for GOOD. I just decided to ignore everything! Her calls, texts, MSN (that one is the toughest)! And it feels like I'm slowly gaining my power back (it's been only like 4 days)

And just as your case, yesterday she sent me was an angry face over the MSN because I was ignoring her, which made me feel bad. But dude, they were the ones that decided to dump us. They don't have the right to be mad at us, WE should be mad at them, but we're so damn blinded by what we feel that we keep wanting everything to go back as they were.

What I'm trying to say is that, every time she tries to contact you, keep doing what you're doing (cause I've been doing the same thing). Say to yourself: "what am I going to say to her?", are you just going to go and say "hi, how you've been?" I know you're dying to just talk for a couple of minutes to find out how she's been doing lately, but REMEMBER how it feels AFTER the conversation. How powerless you feel and how you reassured her that she still has control over you. They KNOW which buttons to push. NOTHING is going to change, the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be going back to square one after all the effort you've done to get to the point you are today.

Be strong brother! I know exactly how it feels!

I didn't call her, as drunk as I was I still wasn't prepared to hear what she might have had to say...
Sorry to scare you all like that!
brucealmighty thanks heaps for your advice, its good to hear from someone going through the same thing, and the way you describe everything is exactly how I feel...
So thanks guys...

Probably she is also confused & keeps thinking of you so she just thought she would text you to see how your doing.. I do it ALOT:) GOOD LUCK

prolly she is also confused & keeps thinkin of you so she just thought she would text ya to see how your doin..i do it ALOT:) GOOD LUCK
Tell me your story, did it help to be in contact, or make things worse?

I can't speak for cutos but I can almost guarantee you that it will make it worse. I can tell you my story if you like.

After 7 years she broke up with me. I begged, pleaded, cried everything. Nothing works. Being in contact only pushed her further away. The more I tried, the more I contacted her, the more I reached out the further away she got. Until one day she was completely gone and I was left with absolutely nothing but wishing I had of cut contact and began to heal a helluva a lot earlier.

You will only do the same. Im not saying you will never talk to her again, but right now it will only do you harm. She isn't going anywhere. She won't forget you. Just leave it be for a while until you are in control of your emotions!

Ahh, I remember going through those same thoughts Skell. The last time I was in contact with my ex, I felt like my happiness depended on her, on listening to her, knowing how she was.

I decided (stupidly) to try to be her friend, even though she was already seeing somebody else, hoping that she would eventually see for herself that I was the one that she really loved. (how naïve of me).

But after 2 days, I felt as if I was the day-friend and she only contacted me, or talked to me when she wasn't with her current boyfriend. I invited to her to lunch, hang out after work and she always found an excuse not to do it.

I then figured that if I kept that pace, she would eventually start showing more limits and then ultimately push me away completely. Or maybe her boyfriend would tell her to choose, me or him, and obviously she would be choose him. So I said, what's the point? Why not start healing now instead of running blindly against the wall and smashing into a million pieces?

Most of the times we know the answer, we just don't have to strength to carry them out.

And finally, I want to share some things I've learned in this journey:

"pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"
"we always like to think that we're gonna be the exception, but in reality we should treat things as if they're not"

Most of the times we know the answer, we just dont have to strenght to carry them out.




So true...

Good to have you here bruce. With wisdom such as yours I'm sure you can be of great help to many that come here needing it!

Stay on your path where did I go wrong. It will get better. Avoid too much drink too. It doesn't help. Been there done that!

If you think that she is this malicious, ask her what she hopes to achieve. If you still think that she is gloating then tell her, thanks that she left you because you are well rid of her and that you pity her next partner and tell her you are moving on with your life. Trust me, if this how it is to be then you will move on when the time is right, you will find someone that to you is beautiful, someone whose beauty comes from inside. I wish you all the happiness, you have to live through sadness to appreciate real happiness. You will be fine smile, rise above it, today is the beginning of the rest of your life x

Aaahhhhhhh
I just got home from a night out, not a huge one, just me and my mate went to a pub, had a couple of beers and a good laugh. On my way home I was feeling great, thinking I'm having fun without 'her', this is getting easier after all...
Famous last words...
I get home and log on to my email and there it is, in my inbox.. "becks movements" an email from the ex...
I haven't read it, I don't want to, but there's also something stopping me from deleting it... I'm so curious, I want to know what happening, even though I'm 100% sure its going to make me feel worse...
I think I know what its about, its one of those emails you send to all your friends to say that 'im doing something cool'. I knew she was moving, I just didn't want to know about it, not now! I know your all going to say delete it, I guess I'm just venting... gees, why does she feel the need to 'update' me, why would someone be so heartless and after breaking up with someone, send them an email saying that they've moved on and their life is looking rosy.. .

Aahhhhh... I was having a good night... now my heads full of thoughts again...

i agree with iscorpio, why else would she text you had to be on her mind otherwise she would never have text!!!

Yea, but there's no way he's going to get her back right now. There's just no way, OK she misses him, SO. Didn't she break up with HIM?

NO CONTACT. She doesn't deserve his love, he already begged, its about time she reaped the consequenses of her actions.

just want to say thanks to everyone that has replied to my posts, your support and advice has been fantastic in aiding my recovery... it still hurts but its getting easier...

so yeah, now a week NC on my part, she sent me ANOTHER text today. thats 2 in 4 days.
"Hi! did u get my msg last week? Well i hope work is going ok. Let me know how u are and ur arm is. Please"

So.....
I know what u mean iscorpio, that she is thinking about me, but replying as a friend is just what she wants. she probably just wants me to say 'yeah im doin ok' to make herself feel a little better.
im past the denial stage and into the anger stage, she turned my life upside down, why would i wanna make things easy for her...?

Spoken with true logic.

See how taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture benefits you in the end?

That's what I'm talking about!

Let her emotions tear her apart, as you have everything under control.:cool:


with no contact, this will continue. whatever happens, he needs to contact her and settle this once and for all. i think he's to the point where he'll be able to handle this with direct confrontation. she may be hurt, but she'll no longer be able to hurt him.


Naaaaaaaaaa, he doesn't need to do that, alls he needs to do is sit back and relax, its no point in MAKING a situation how you want it to be, just let it unfold naturally, she'll come back.

Watch.

Look everybody, it's the right thing to do, OK? You want to hear it from me? Yea, she broke it off with me, I cried, I tried, I begged, I pleaded, you know what she said to me!

WHY can't YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!

Shocked tha hell out of me, also made me think.

I loved this girl unconditionally, never cheated on her, didn't even cross my mind she was cheating on me.

Then she started crying, this was before I found out she was cheating on me.

This was in the beginning when SHE asked for the break.

You see, SHE wanted the break in the 1st place, so me trying to stay thinking we can make it, BLINDED by my love for tha slut, I kept trying to get her back. But she never accepted me. Never openend back up to me.

So, what you need to understand is that it DOES NOT WORK.

You can keep trying to get them back, nothing will change.

That's why you can't do anything but wait it out, NO CONTACT.

I did it, come to find out it didn't matter anyway, found out she was cheating, gave me the upper hand, and dropped her like a sack of rocks.

So you see, NO CONTACT is the only way you can really know for sure if she loves you or not.

If I didn't use the NO CONTACT clause, I probably would be in a worse position then I am today.

I don't know, what do you guys think?

aahhhhh... I was having a good night... now my heads full of thoughts again...
Do nothing absolutely nothing. Don't read this email until you.ve had a chance to calm down and get some rest. Read it then delete it. Don't answer it.

Lets be clear, No contact is the time you take to heal your feelings and emotions, so you can see things clearly and make better decisions, base on facts and not emotions, and not to get someone back in your life. Once someone dumps you and you try to get your act together it is of no consequence to you what their motives or feelings are, and you have a right to get your head together, whether they agree or not. Don't put yourself second in this situation, and do what you need to do for you. At this point it doesn't matter what they want, do what you need for you!!

Yea uhh but guys, he still loves the girl. I say this is the best decision if he does, ultimatley want her back, she may realize what she is doing and come back to her senses, but she may also just do the same thing and just not talk to him again, we don't know, what we do know is that, she's contacting him after SHE wanted the break.

There's no reason for him to confront her right now, it'll only get worse. I strongly suggest you let everything that concerns her go until she comes running back to you Begging for YOU back.

Wow Decisions decisions. She continues email and has escalated her behavior. How abouttis Check raise, check raise, check raise again, She is all in now. Does he go for it or fol? Hmmmm what are his cards? She wants a reaction? She want to get back together? Hmmmm How about this he sends an email and says hey listen what do you want from me you broke it off with me now you want to be all cool and salve your conscious with friendliness? I have not read your email and not sure I will. Best wiahes John doe. Wow all in on his part. Does she respond? Does she think WTFis this guy crazy? My point is either fold your cards or keep playing you don't hold much of hand right now thoough.

Hmm...

There's no reason for him to confront her right now, it'll only get worse. I strongly suggest you let everything that concerns her go there's no reason for him to confront her right now, it'll only get worse. I strongly suggest you let everything that concerns her go until she comes running back to you Begging for YOU back.

Agree with every thing but this part

until she comes running back to you Begging for YOU back.
Wait until he is healthy enough to deal with this based on facts and not confused feelings

Agree with every thing but this part

And why not? Its only fair that she comes running back to HIM, I mean this guy put his feelings out there for her and she just blows him off.

Why shouldn't she come running back? He begged for her right?

Its only fair.

"alls fair in love and war"

and why not? its only fair that she comes running back to HIM, i mean this guy put his feelings out there for her and she just blows him off.

why shouldnt she come running back? he begged for her right?

its only fair.

"alls fair in love and war"
An emotional response as this will do his healing absolutely no good and serves no purpose in the process of healing. The purpose is to get healthy, not even. I never recommend revenge as a way to heal.

What? This is not revenge,"hes trying to get the girl back". What I recommended was the best decision to do this.

I believe this was more logical Than emotional.

We recommend he has no contact in order to allow himself to heal overtime.

This is also a way to get her back if she DOES still love him.

As that speaks for itself: "she will come running back".

Though other have said this, and think that's the way it works, you've never heard me say that is what no contact is about, and reread what I've posted here, and you'll see that I never say it's a way to get someone back. I will not advocate no false hope, as nobody can predict the future and whether some one comes back or not, you still must heal to make healthier choices.

How often have you seen me say "Get a life that you enjoy without them"??

This is ture, but we need to ask ourselves why is he here in the 1st place?

No one said it was going to be definite that he would get her back, we are just giving him advice so he can take the best steps in order to move on, and if getting her back is his consolation for doing the no contact clasue then more power to him.

Tal is spot on here. Sorry guys but I think Solid and alizeblu are off the mark here.

As Tal said wait until you have calmed a little before reading it. I'm sure by now you have sobered up a little and it might not be too bad. Or alternatively just delete without reading it.

What I would do though to avoid this from happening in the future is block her emails.

Its all right for her. She is fine with everything that has happened and going on with life as normal. Not thinking of the consequences of sending you this email or perhaps even knowing it will tear you up and sending it anyway with that knowledge.

You know the best thing to do where did I go wrong. You don't need to know the contents of that email right now if at all.

And NC is not about getting someone back. Anyone who uses it for that will be bitterly disappointed. Even if they do get back with the ex things will just fail again because nothing has changed.

You guys just don't get it!

Wow, this was a bigger response than I expected...
Thank you all for your opinions and advice...

I just want to get 1 thing straight... she is not coming back to me! I know that, I am no longer holding onto ANY hope, it is OVER. I'm even starting to enjoy myself without her in my life, a little bit...
And don't say "u never loved her" I loved her more than anything in the world, but in the end she didn't love me, and she hurt me by leaving. Do I still love her now, I don't know, all I'm saying is I am moving on, I have to, thers no choice...
I only wanted to find out what you guys thought about her email. I still haven't read it, but I'm damn sure its saying something like "im moving interstate to start my new job/life and i can't wait"... and I'm sure it wasn't just sent to me, but to her whole list.

The reason I don't want to read it is because I don't want to know that her life without me is better than with me... im sure that's a natural reaction...
But...
The reason I think I should read it is to prepare myself for the inevitable discussion with mutual frinds saying "so waht do u think about beck blah blah blah.." I'm not sure I want to be put into a situation where its just lumped on me and I have to deal with it there and then and in front of people...

Just for the record I think you are handling it great and I certainly can see that you love / loved her and for the most part it was a great relationship. It is sad that it has ended and you will feel pain for a while. Anyway we have gone over that. And I also wasn't implying that you think she is coming back to you. My post wasn't aimed at you but rather the posts previous to that which I think were off the mark when it comes to you and your situation. It wasn't aimed at you.

I think this thread got a little off track in the middle there with Solid and alizeblu who may not be entirely up with what is happening here.

You have handled things great!

Don't worry about those inevitable questions from mutual friends.

Your response is this "oh i havent had time to even look at that email. I have been so flat out that i completely forgot it was in my inbox. Anyway, i dont really care anyway because beck is in the past now and i am moving on so im not really concerned with what she is up to. Im sure she's going fine, just like me"

If I can I would like to nip it in the bud here before you come asking how to deal with it because I know from my own experience that mutual friends can cause some heart ache. It is best to make it completely clear to them that your really not at all interested in hearing about her latest escapades. Not because you still love her and it hurts but because you are moving on with your life and what she is doing really doesn't interest you.

So I read it... I couldn't help myself...
She's going to live and work in canada for a year...
I don't know why I'm so upset...
I feel like my life has just been frozen in time for the past month and she has zoomed ahead with these amazing plans without me, god it hurts...

I don't know what to do now

I
don't know what to do now
Yes you do. You keep on the path of healing. Stay with no contact and accept this is over. This is hardly a surprise as you told us she was moving, so nothing has changed, has it?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I get from the banter about No contact and getting an ex back is this...

There is NO WAY to get an ex back, all you can do is improve yourself. If an ex comes back, they come back on their own.

The issue has nothing to do with using NC to get an ex back - rather it's the fact that there doesn't exist a way to get an ex back. Nobody can make someone do something they don't feel.

So what it boils down to is this: Use NC to improve yourself. Whether they come back is not up to you, or your actions. That's life, you have no control over it. By using NC, if they come back, you should be healed to make a decision about reuniting or not, and if they don't come back, there won't be another blow beucase you will be over/getting over it...

Do I understand this?

Yes your getting there. No contact lets you get your emotions under control and you can see things much clearer. Once you find out who you are and what makes you happy you don't have to rush into a relationship with the expectations that are so unreasonable and don't depend on some one else to make you happy. You will know how to keep the balance in your life between the needs of others and your own. Heal and move on to other, better things and don't be stuck in the past. In time you will be able to handle all those feelings that are holding you down now.

Sorry, I totally misunderstood you, I read the first question that came up, I thought you wanted to know the answer as to why she text you, there is no reason why you should make it easier for her, you have to follow your feelings from inside, move on get on with your life if that is what you want if you are sure there is no turning back then that is the best thing to do. I wish you well and hope that your next relationship gives you so much happiness that it erases the pain from the last, everything happens for reason, maybe now is your time to find true happiness. Take care, love and peace anne x

Don't know if you have replied yet but waaswondering how you went did you get back together? Did you reply ? How did you go about this??

Look I get it cause I did it myself skell, and its common sense that NC is the best way to go.

You know what then, what's your advice to the guy when she wants him back?

What if a couple years from now when he's all healed up and ready to go, she comes back crying to him?

Now what?

Wait let me guess, slam the door in her face as if she didn't exist right?

You guys give good advice, I know because I've been there too, but your advice is flawed.

You tell them to move on and do better things with your life and enjoy being single, yet, you don't prepare him for the impossible, what if she DOES come back? And really willing to be with him? I believe it was, "expect the unexpected"... yea that's right. He said he loved her, so skell, tal, what's your advice to the guy now?



Because like you said skell, "we just dont get it" right?

So don't depend on someone to make you happy tal?
Yet, in relationships, its your significant other 1st, yourself second right? Cause I member someone telling me that in a healthy relationship going on 8 years.

It's a never ending cycle, then people wonder why everyone's coming on here with ultimatley the same problem, just dressed up in a different way.

Bottom line people make mistakes, you can either live with it, or learn from it.

But no, people can't live with it, because that'll just be another make believe fairytale, happly ever after correct?

So you tell him to move on and maybe you'll meet someone new after you get a full grasp of who you really are, which I believe they called it "healing" correct? Ultimatley learning from it.

I think the guys stronger then you give him credit for.

I never said that "you are going to get her back if you have NC". I never said that.

He said it was over, I'm just looking at it from both angles.

Its not revenge, its not getting her back and its not giving him false hope because obviously as of now its over.

Alls I'm saying is expect the unexpected, thus the phrase"until she comes running back to you".

We all know that you got to heal after you hurt yourself, common sense.

Your ranting is getting tiresome as if you think everyone is an idiot and you think you know the secret of life. Why not take a chill pill and learn something because the questions you ask can be answered, just ask in a way we can understand.

If in a couple of years when he is all healed up she comes back to him and they wish to try and again and he honestly feels that it would be different that time then I would not advise against him pursuing it.

I have know idea though what you were getting at / asking in the rest of your ramblings.

My apologies!!

Ok... as a woman let me put it this way... sometimes we do things in an impulse and do not realize the repurcussions... at that point in time when we are upset about someone we just write and send in an instance... but later the realization dawns upon us: " gosh i should have talked it over" and by then the other person is on the reverse.. in this case "you"... don't be... look at this way... if you like this girl and you feel she couldn't have done that to u.. then open the communication channel that she is willing to have at this point in time. There is NO harm in knowing why she did it... then the choice is still yours... trust me you will feel better... relationships are hard to make and easy to break... so give her a chance to explain herself... that is what I feel... prerogative to maintain NO CONTACT will still be yours buddy... u get my point?

Ok....as a woman let me put it this way...sometimes we do things in an impulse and do not realize the repurcussions.....at that point in time when we are upset abt someone we just write and send in an instance...but later the realization dawns upon us: " gosh i should have talked it over" and by then the other person is on the reverse

I agree with that, but some women are also too damn stubborn to admit their mistake and instead they just run away, hence that fact she is moving to canada!!
I'm not going to play her games, she had her chance and she blew it, I'm healing myself now and starting to realise that I may just be better off without her. I can't live with someone that is going to make these extreme decisions on a whim, it is not something I could be comfortable with...
If she really wanted to contact me to re-open communication she could call me, she knows where I work, she knows where I live... sending a text and an email is not her re-opening the lines of communication, its her updating me because for some reason she probably feels obliged, probably out of her own guilt.

Alls I'm saying is if you guys thinks she wants back in, I think your wrong, if she did I would expect her make a better effort. If she doesn't make the effort then she's not worth it to me

u're right... you have your own answers then... and I am glad you're living up to them... simple the discussion ends here...

Its OK to say that but it sounds like you still want her back. I had my girlfriend leave for a reason she said was after 3 years she just isn't ready at 22 for a relationship like we have. That's a load of crap maybe my girlfriend wasn't ready good it took her 3 years to work that out. If she rang you and wanted you back you would go back I know that.

I wouldn't just take her back..
She would have to have some pretty good arguments, she's put me through the ringer over the last month, the feelings I've felt in that time are very hard to forget.
It would take A lot of convincing from her for me to take her back...

I'm doing well without her, so no I wouldn't just take her back if she asked, there's a better chance id say no

Well he already answered the question.

How do you not know what I'm talking about, aren't you guys the experts?

Here, let me speak in your language,

Basically, in the beginning I was told that this response was wrong, " until she comes running back, begging for you back!"

Yet this in no way states that having NC is GOING to get her back for him.

This only states that after he does the NC, maybe she will then see what she did was completely wrong, thus the quote:"until she comes running back, begging for you back."

How is that hard to understand?

But anyway its pretty much over with now I already seen his answer, alls he wants is to move on so he's pretty much done with her.

So what I said doesn't matter anymore.

i wouldnt just take her back..
she would have to have some pretty good arguments, she's put me through the ringer over the last month, the feelings ive felt in that time are very hard to forget.
it would take ALOT of convincing from her for me to take her back...

im doing well without her, so no i wouldnt just take her back if she asked, theres a better chance id say no

But this is something I've been thinking about for a while now, think this through carefully,

Do you love the girl? And if yes, what if she does come back?

Why wouldn't you take her back? Is it still because you're mad at her because of what she did? If so, don't you think that you're kind of still holding a grudge? Or do you think its justification for what she did to you?-> but wouldn't that be revenge?

Say you saw it in her eyes and she was on her knees begging to make it work (just a thought) would you take her back out of pitty,or love? Or would you not take her back at all? And say you guys made it work and this SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN, what would you do then? Would you still listen to us and do the same thing or would you keep trying to make it work?

I just want to know what you would do if you were in a crazy situation like that.

but this is something ive been thinking about for a while now, think this through carefully,

do you love the girl? and if yes, what if she does come back?

why wouldnt you take her back? is it still because youre mad at her because of what she did? if so, dont you think that youre kind of still holding a grudge? or do you think its justification for what she did to you?-> but wouldnt that be revenge?

say you saw it in her eyes and she was on her knees begging to make it work (just a thought) would you take her back out of pitty,or love? or would you not take her back at all? and say you guys made it work and this SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN, what would you do then? would you still listen to us and do the same thing or would you keep trying to make it work?

i just wanna know what you would do if you were in a crazy situation like that.

As I said in my previous post, she would have to have some bloody good arguments... and I would probably need time to think it through, and in that time post here and see what everyone thinks!. but there's no point in speculating because its not going to happen... (unless alizeblu, you are really her, trying to give me a message!)

I did love her, I don't know if I do anymore, I mean, what's the point? It like being in love with a wall!

Lol oh trust me, I'm not her, lol. But if that's what you feel then you are absolutley right, you don't need us telling you what to do, you already knew what you had to do, as you know her 10 times better then any of us do.

We just try that's all we can do is try. We try, and ultimatley someone gives up.

I don't know, some people are strong some are weak, she was weak, and you don't want that.

So pretty much your answer to me was, she would have alotta explaining to do, right?

So I guess in the end it would have never worked in the 1st place, which leaves me with the same conclusion, why try in the 1st place, if you already know the outcome.

If I was you, I wouldn't put up with "love" any more, id stay single. Its more fun and you have more fun, no strings attached no nothing.

You only worry about yourself, and don't have to go through all the pain of a break up.

You know what I'm saying?

The whole point of being healthy is to be able to make decisions such as these, not just follow your heart, or go with the flow. That's exactly why people come here for answers. Once you accept the way it is and move on isn't it amazing how so few ever look back? where did i go wrong, I think your coming out of the gloom and seeing reality as it really is without the emotional blinders. Your starting to sound very rational and thoughtful.

Bottom line...

Loves like a roller coaster, it has its ups, it has its downs, shiz, maybe even some loopty loops, but eventually, like all things, it has to come to a complete stop, and eventually you got to get off and let other people ride.

But I'm not going to be bored with the same roller coaster for the rest of my life, which is why I'm pretty sure loves just a sham, to keep people in check. So the ones up there with power and money, that know better, stay with that power and money.

I mean common, haven't you ever noticed that love not only clouds your judgement, but steals years away from you, when you couldve been improving on being that doctor you were trying to be? It messes with your head! You can't study, so your school works late, leaving your education in jeapordy.

And eventually putting you back where you started in the 1st place. Its not meant for the young. Only the people with more experience.

But I still think that its just an illusion.

In a way alizeblu I actually agree with what your saying about how love is not meant to be for the young. However love can fade, people break up, love succeeds at whatever age you are whether young or old.

Life is a journey, we constantly learn from it. Our relationships when we are young give us that vital experience we need for the future - to learn, to understand what we want, who we want, what it means to be in a relationship and who knows maybe even great friends after the healing period.

I think it is key that as young people i.e. Teenage to late 20's (that I will class as young, there are some 20 year olds who are more mature than 30 something's I am sure)
We are constantly striving for some sense of purpose, what life is all about and it is important to have relationships - to learn.

and eventually putting you back where you started in the 1st place. Its not meant for the young. Only the people with more experience.

But I still think that its just an illusion.
Only by living can we gain experience. Some learn more quick than others.

it just sucks that we have to learn over and over to finally understand something. That's why I'm done with love.
One day you'll get it and be surprised at what you can get. Love starts with you.

And ends with me.

Its all in the eye of the beholder.

People keep searching, people stop searching.

Its just how it is.

We give advice on our age levels, intellectual levels, and maturity levels, people agree people disagree, eventually there's always 1 answer no matter what.

No matter how you look at it.

Keep running, or stop the race.

Your choice.

There is NO harm in knowing why she did it...then the choice is still yours.....trust me you will feel better...relationships are hard to make and easy to break.....so give her a chance to explain herself

I just want to suggest being careful... Curiosity can be a dangerous thing. Sometimes your better off not knowing things that they haven't told you. Don't think of it as them lying to you, they are just saving you undue pain.

Im NOT saying your ex is hiding anything, just make sure your prepared to hear ANYTHING.

EDIT--

Oops, thought I was on the last page, apparently that post was a little older than I thought. We'll either way, my opinion stands, thought it appears its not really relevant to your thoughts anymore :)

Hey I got a question, why are relationships hard to make and easy to break? Hm?

You have that backwards, they are so easy to make, but the break-up is hard, as evidenced by this forum. For one what looks good, ain't good for you, but so called love, blinds you to the bad part,s and your expectations are high and sometimes so unrealistic. That's why we think it will last forever. In the beginning 99% of us don't know what love is, or how to love. Then boom its over one day, and you know the turmoil that causes. Especially hard on the first timers.

Just stay away from her if you its to early to be friends with her she prob. Does just want to see if she had control over you she prob. Wants to have her cake and eat it 2 girls r scandalous trust me I should know ! Good luck but follow most peoples advice don't call her start a new life without her is will be the best for everyone in the long run

DO NOT RESPOND TO HER!

She is trying to see if she still has control of your emotions. This is a tactic usually used when the partner wants you to remain in casse of failure in another relationship(s). She will use you just to be the one who she keeps running back to. Basically she wants to get to your mind in order to play games but to keep you feeling that she wants you to benefit herself.

I also believe she is trying to keep foot in door in case another relationship doesn't pan out or can't find no one. I believe now that's what my ex always did to me 5-6 times. Play mind games with me. But I agree with Tal No NC you need to heal. I never let myself heal(didn't want to) in the 5 times she broke up with me. And maybe if I did let myself heal I would have thought more clearly that my relationship wasn't going to work with her.