My boyfriend and I have been together 18 months, over the past year several things have changed since February of 2012 he's grown less and less physical. He used to be very affectionate towards me, kissed me everyday, held my hand, held me in general, as time progressed, he would roll over as we went to bed and no longer cuddle me at night, this lead to him no longer holding my hand or pulling away when I reached for his, he no longer hugs or kisses me anymore until we leave each other for the week (we spend weekends together) even as we are reunited, he doesn't hug or kiss me. About the only time in our relationship he shows me any type of affection is when he wants to have sex. I am so hurt by this, I've tried to discuss it with him numerous times and it always ends the same, with him saying "this is just how I am". I don't buy it, he swears up and down he isn't seeing anyone else, that he still finds me just as attractive as he did when we first got together, but his actions prove otherwise. When we come together to have sex, he doesn't even take the time to see that I am fully satisfied, I have trouble finishing any other way besides oral sex and he will only go down on me for maybe 3 minutes and claim sufficient timing. I end up sexually frustrated every time. I don't know what to do anymore. Is my partner a lowsey lover or could this really be him? He was very loving and attentative when we first got together up until about 5-6months in.

Has anything else changed?

In our relationship, yes. We dated for awhile before we got together and in February of 2012 I found out that I was pregnant. Neither of us were prepared for a baby and that was a pretty big adjustment, our son is 8 months old now and the turmoil from my pregnancy has subsided and is no longer an issue, he loves our son very much and is a wonderful father. He shows our son all the love, attention, and affection anyone could ever ask for, but when I say I need the same in a relationship, it's apparently not who he is. He told me at one point I need to change the things that make me happy and be happy for what he does give me. I am not a needy woman, I know the difference between having affection and wanting more and not having it at all and seeing an issue with that. Additionally, as far as having a baby goes, I've lost all my baby weight, and I only gain 25 to begin with, I weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant and I'm not and never have been a very big person. I'm not unattractive by any means, other men compliment me on a regular basis, not to toot my own horn, but to further prove my confusion with his behavior.

it's apparently not who he is.
If it's not "who he is," why are you worried about your appearance and weight? Obviously, how you look is not the problem.

You said he was affectionate in the beginning, but that dropped off? When did you notice a change, i.e. what was going on at the same time in your relationship -- the pregnancy or what?

If it's not "who he is," why are you worried about your appearance and weight? Obviously, how you look is not the problem.

You said he was affectionate in the beginning, but that dropped off? When did you notice a change, i.e., what was going on at the same time in your relationship -- the pregnancy or what?

I included that part in there because I know guys have a tendency to not be very affectionate if a woman's appearance has drastically changed in the relationship, but yes, this all started happening when I found out that I was pregnant. And it was understandable during my pregnancy because he wasn't in a position where he wanted to be a father, but now that our son is here, and he's openly admitted he was wrong for ever feeling the way he did before, I don't understand how things haven't picked up and begun to be more affectionate. After I had my son and my doctor gave me the okay to have sex again, he wasn't even interested and we hadn't had sex in close to five months! The only reason we started having sex again is because I was fed up with there being no intimacy between us. And it was few and far between and when it did happen, he would skip foreplay all together and just try to have sex and it'd be far to painful on my end for it to even happen (nor could he even get it in because I wasn't turned on at all). After discussing that issue with him, he did begin to put more effort in to doing foreplay, but he no longer even seems to care if I finish or not and nowadays it's so predictable. If he rolls over and kisses me at night or holds me, I know it's only because he wants sex, I can't stress it enough that he doesn't touch me if it doesn't pertain to him having an erection.

I included that part in there because I know guys have a tendency to not be very affectionate if a woman's appearance has drastically changed in the relationship
That's not really true, by the way.

Have you and he talked about going for couples counseling?

Does he seem committed to you, or you just happen to be living in the same house with his son so he puts up with you?

That's not really true, by the way.

Have you and he talked about going for couples counseling?

Does he seem committed to you, or you just happen to be living in the same house with his son so he puts up with you?

I've suggested counseling, he is not the type of person to discuss matters of our relationship with other people, doesn't even really like to discuss them with me. As far as living arrangements go, we don't even live together. Our son is with me full time, we live 30 miles apart and are both full time students. We were just kids when we had our son, we are still just kids, we're both in our 20s, but he acts like we've been married 25 years, he's so boring. I try to spice things up, suggest different things, try to be spontaneous and if its not him provoking it, it doesn't seem to be wanted or it results in him just diving right into sex and when he's finished leaving. I'm getting so fed up with it. I just don't get it, I've never been with a man who didn't want to touch me, who was content with us having sex once a month even though we only see each other 12 days a month.

Then how about YOU going to for counseling (and be sure to tell him you will be doing this). Along the way, the counselor will probably invite him for a session or two. The counselor is bound by confidentiality, so will not be either judging you or talking about you to anyone.

Does your boyfriend pay child support? Have you two been to court about this?

Then how about YOU going to for counseling (and be sure to tell him you will be doing this). Along the way, the counselor will probably invite him for a session or two. The counselor is bound by confidentiality, so will not be either judging you or talking about you to anyone.

Does your boyfriend pay child support? Have you two been to court about this?


This is the most frustrating issue, I've been seeing numerous counselors for over a year now, and they've ALL invited him several times to come in, and he refuses to. One of the counselors I see even suggested a relationship class that would PAY US to attend, he wasn't interested. We haven't been going to court, he pays no child support, we split financial costs for our son 50/50, and leave it at that.

This is the most frustrating issue, I've been seeing numerous counselors for over a year now
And what have they been telling you? (Why "numerous"?)

Several of them have said I should just cut my losses and leave, that I continue to wait for him to change and he shows no desire to even wanting to try, others have said I should try things differently, but I feel like no matter what I do, it makes no difference. If I stop initiating everything, he doesn't even notice, if I tell him how I feel, he doesn't even act bothered. I feel like I'm battling an uphill battle and I can't win. Sex is very important to me, I told him that before we became exclusive, sex is just as important to me as intimacy outside the bedroom. How am I supposed to know how my partner feels about me if he never shows me? He's not even one of those guys who TELLS me, he does nothing, and expects me to be content with it and comfortable with how things are. I saw numerous counselors through out my pregnancy because of my age, it was mandatory for me to talk to several counselors specializing in "teen pregnancy", I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant. Nowadays I see only one woman.

You are having a communication breakdown with your long distance part time baby daddy. Not completely your fault, but while your attention is on intimacy, his is elsewhere.

I am willing to bet he is figuring out long term problems that he needs to address and your pleasure is lost in the mix. How long is this long distance stuff supposed to last and what's next in the plan besides commuting 12 days a month?

You are having a communication breakdown with your long distance part time baby daddy. Not completely your fault, but while your attention is on intimacy, his is elsewhere.

I am willing to bet he is figuring out long term problems that he needs to address and your pleasure is lost in the mix. How long is this long distance stuff supposed to last and what's next in the plan besides commuting 12 days a month?

I try to figure out ways for us to get a place and he's got a million reasons we can't, "it's not practical" "I'd have to drop out of school" "if I got a job, I'd never see our son" "we can't even go a weekend without fighting and you want to live together?", "I want to get a new car before we move in together"... to list a few, the communication is horrible between us, if I mention the words 'I' and 'feel' he needs to re-evaluate our relationship. He never thanks me for anything I do for him, never touches me unless its for his sole benefit.

You call him your "partner," but it doesn't seem that is a very good description of him. You don't live together, you hardly ever see each other, you two are not on the same page regarding sex and intimacy, and he seems to be hanging around only because of the baby you had together.

Is there really a relationship? If so, describe it to me.

You call him your "partner," but it doesn't seem that is a very good description of him. You don't live together, you hardly ever see each other, you two are not on the same page regarding sex and intimacy, and he seems to be hanging around only because of the baby you had together.

Is there really a relationship? If so, describe it to me.

There's no relationship whatsoever and I don't know what to do, I really would like see things work out, but it's not going to if every issue I bring to the table to discuss is combatted with "we'll that's your problem, so.."

There's no relationship whatsoever
And that takes us where?

And that takes us where?

That Takes us nowhere, but breaking up. But the whole point of this post is, is there anyway to make it work?

LDRs are hard to maintain. LDFWB are essentially FWB whenever you're in town.

Honestly what you're describing, and I skimmed most of the posts so I am not completely sure if it has been covered, sounds to be a Master/Pet relationship. Not a full out Dom/Sub relationship, but a "daddy wants me too..."

It really sounds like he is trying to milk any sort of sexuality from you by proxy. Having you sleep with a fellow, document it and send it to him. Almost like a Cuckolding fetish. Except that he might do the same thing to you. I doubt you will get the same rise watching him plow someone else that does watching you getting plowed.

I don't see this relationship lasting to be honest. The hardest part about any LDR is that they're a long ways away and other prospects come along locally. You'll end up drifting apart or you'll get different ideas of where this relationship should or should not be going. If you're willing to put the work in, it can work until you can meet up again. It is also looking like he doesn't have the will to do that. I say that because he's opening up the relationship.

I am a wide consumer of pornography. I follow a few sites and have plenty of amateur videos. I bring this up because a lot of this is labeled as 'ex-gf'. So these are for him, but when you break up, what is he going to do with them? Delete them? Unlikely. Keep them and spank off to them on occasion? More then likely. Share them online to these sites? Possibly. The digital world with the interwebs makes it a lot easier to transfer these things. It was hard to do a film, but a movie file. That can be spread and known before the end of the month, or even day.

Who knows you could win the "Beaver Hunt!" without even knowing it.

I honestly don't see this going any place good and I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship. I think you're throwing good money after bad because you've been together for 18 months, have a kid together, and you don't want to throw away that time or change the relationship he has with your son. I really want you to sit and think bluntly if this is where you want to go in life. I want you to explain this relationship to yourself and think if you bestie had come to you with this situation, what would you think?

I honestly think you need to cut your loses and leave the relationship. Make sure you get child support. Don't let him get away from that.

That Takes us nowhere, but breaking up. But the whole point of this post is, is there anyway to make it work?
From all you have said, he has no interest in making a relationship work. He gets free and uncomplicated sex once in a while plus a baby to bounce on his knee. It seems like you have tried everything. ("You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.") I cannot think of anything else you can do. If I were you, I would take him to court to get child support and visitation set up and then move on with my life.

From all you have said, he has no interest in making a relationship work. He gets free and uncomplicated sex once in a while plus a baby to bounce on his knee. It seems like you have tried everything. ("You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.") I cannot think of anything else you can do. If I were you, I would take him to court to get child support and visitation set up and then move on with my life.

It pains me to think about, it really does, but it's something I may just have to suck up and do.

I'm coming in late, but there were warning signs - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/why-doesnt-21-year-old-boyfriend-want-sex-much-me-664773.html

My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years now and we have a baby together, our sex life has been all over the place the past two years from very active to non-existent to finally back to happening on a fairly regular and consistent weekly basis. The issue I am facing is ever since my last trimester of my pregnancy I've had a hard time finishing, so now after my sons been born and we are going on 9 months post partum, I have the issue still, but only with my partner. I want to clarify that my boyfriend isn't bad at sex, but some of the things foreplay wise just don't feel good to me at all. For one thing, I have a very hard time finishing any other way besides oral sex and he seldom ever goes down on me and when he does, he never finishes me and doesn't solely focus on my clitoris, when he tries to rub my clitoris with his fingers, he's too direct with how he does it and I'm instantly overstimulated and I have to push him away because it doesn't feel good. I have attempted in the past to discuss this with him, but it always comes across the wrong way, I just want him to listen to what I say feels good and only do those things not anything else that either hurts, overstimulates, or makes me lose and climax I had building, how do I talk to a man about this without him feeling like I'm attacking his manhood and saying he's bad in bed? He's not bad in bed at all there just isn't enough time spent focusing on my satisfaction and doing the things that make me climax. Because he doesn't do those things only it takes forever and then he doesn't want to do it anymore because he's discouraged.

Reading your other posts and knowing of your over all frustrations in this relationship then its no wonder since it's a lack not only of communications but cooperation also. You are not a couple bounded by building a foundation for the future, even though you have made a baby.

Mostly it seems to be you both are on separate pages. If you are afraid of being honest with your partner about sex, why even do it? I don't know how you learn better talking and listening to learn and understand this constantly distracted fool you have a baby with, but for sure you should focus on your out of the bedroom problems that are clearly affecting how you relate to each other in general. If that's not good, then lust suffers greatly.

He has different priorities than you do. In and out of the bedroom. Actually being a good partner is NOT his priority at all at this time, even though he is going through the motions, his real commitment isn't on you.

Sorry, but you better rethink your strategy a bit.

Reading your other posts and knowing of your over all frustrations in this relationship then its no wonder since its a lack not only of communications but cooperation also. You are not a couple bounded by building a foundation for the future, even though you have made a baby.

Mostly it seems to be you both are on separate pages. If you are afraid of being honest with your partner about sex, why even do it? I don't know how you learn better talking and listening to learn and understand this constantly distract fool you have a baby with, but for sure you should focus on your out of the bedroom problems that are clearly affecting how you relate to each other in general. If that's not good, then lust suffers greatly.

This is true, however, our relationship has gotten better as time has gone by, we have overcome a lot in a very short amount of time and we are now doing what we should have done in the very beginning, which is learn about one another. I don't think it's a lack of honesty that's the issue, more of a lack of effective communication, as you stated. Being able to discuss matters, but also do them in such a way that does not insult someone and that is perhaps one of the most difficult things that we face. Certain topics are not to be discussed because of the way they are interpreted. I'm much the opposite in this case, I would rather discuss anything and everything because it helps me to understand him and the things he wants and needs better and allows me to grow and change with the relationships best interest in mind. I'm not sure if its how I've gone about things in the past that turn him off from wanting to have open communication like that now or if me being honest is what the overall issue is, if you can't hear the truth because it offends you, well, ignorance is not always bliss. And sex is a pretty big and important part in a relationship where two people should most definitely be on the same page.

If he isn't willing to share and explore, which he doesn't seem to be, then you are stuck with decision in your own interest that may conflict with his own agendas, or comfort zones.

That's tough.

If he isn't willing to share and explore, which he doesn't seem to be, then you are stuck with decision in your own interest that may conflict with his own agendas, or comfort zones.

That's tough.

So perhaps a better question would be,is there a way I can get him to open up more to me and share more? How do we communicate better?

I think starting with reasonable boundaries and better choices of what you allow from him that's not so reasonable is the first thing for you because you can only control what you do.

I mean I think you wrote that he is really into his schooling and you live apart. Surely you need a life without him outside your mothering. Just to give your reality a better perspective and lessen what I see as an emotional dependence. I mean you seem to be lousy sex buddies after your child was born so stop being sex buddies and try to be friends.

Often after lust there is no love to grow, and that's a reality to face. Takes two of equal commitment to make a plan and work it. He ain't there with you on that level so back up and give yourself different outlets as an individual rather than a couple. Long story short, stop catering to him so much. He is selfish, and you could be selfish a bit too. At least be happy without him and his clumsy attempts at love.

I think starting with reasonable boundaries and better choices of what you allow from him that's not so reasonable is the first thing for you because you can only control what you do.

I mean I think you wrote that he is really into his schooling and you live apart. Surely you need a life without him outside your mothering. Just to give your reality a better perspective and lessen what I see as an emotional dependence. I mean you seem to be lousy sex buddies after your child was born so stop being sex buddies and try to be friends.

Often after lust there is no love to grow, and that's a reality to face. Takes two of equal commitment to make a plan and work it. He ain't there with you on that level so back up and give yourself different outlets as an individual rather than a couple. Long story short, stop catering to him so much. He is selfish, and you could be selfish a bit too. At least be happy without him and his clumsy attempts at love.

That's a lot easier said than done, I'm a full time student and mother, trying to balance a social life on top of all that is practically impossible. He gets the opportunity to go out with his friends and I just don't have that same opportunity because when I'm not at school I'm at home with our son and when he's down for the night, I have homework to get done. It's a struggle because really he's the only person I get to see outside of being on campus. When you have a baby young, your friends seem to drop off the face of the earth, not so much because of their lack of being good friends, as much as their lack of understanding and my lack of time to maintain the relationship. It's very lonely most days and my relationship with my sons father, however dysfunctional it might be at times, means quite a bit to me. I still do suffer a great deal of insecurity issues from past problems as well as trying to find happiness with myself after having a baby, I really don't believe he has eyes for anyone else, not to seem like the naïve girlfriend, but I think he's at a fair understanding that if there was infidelity in our relationship, his relationship with his son would change a lot as a result of us no longer being together and him living with me full time. That's not to say he could be feeling differently towards me, but I do believe that he does genuinely care for me even if he doesn't always know how to show it. He has practically no relationship experience so in a lot of ways our relationship is a work in progress because he's constantly learning what it means to share your life with someone after growing more comfortable with being single and not having to focus on anyone else's feelings. Not to discredit him, I know I have a track record on here that illustrates a relationship with a man who could careless for me, I don't really believe that is the issue. I think we have had a lot of very adult problems in a relationship neither of us went into expecting to be as serious as its become. He has changed a lot and although there's still much that needs to be worked on, it's a lot better tan it used to be. He is very much a closed book and doesn't like to talk to anybody about how he feels, what's going on in his life, etc.. not even with his close friends. He's probably closer to me in this aspect than he is with most people in his family, but the lack of ability to fully discuss anything does harm our relationship at times. He's a wonderful father and is growing into a better partner, but it's a slow gradual change. My most recent question was asked because I have a tendency of stating my feelings in such a way that makes him feel like he's a failure or that he isn't good enough and it seems no matter how I try, it comes across that way.

Sometimes though you have to backup, or slow down to let a lagging partner catch up. It is a slow gradual process.