When I was growing up I was touched by my dad and raped by 2 different men. My father and one of these men would torture me with images of porn and make me feel extremely uncomfortable, as well as one of the men recording the rape and making me watch it. After he proceeded to put porn on and tell me what was wrong with me and what I didn't have that these girls had. Being tortured by this has made me a very insecure woman. I caught my boyfriend watching porn and when I did it brought back these terrible memories. It hurt me so much our relationship hasn't been the same. I don't know if it will ever be. I explained to him why when I saw it I couldn't stop crying and couldn't speak. Yet he proceeds to watch it but tries to hide it. I don't know how to feel about this and how to fix my relationship if its even fixable. Someone please help!

While I will say , I'm sorry you was subjected to that as a child... I also have to say the following.

I hate to tell you this... but despite what you have been through... he has the right to watch it.

I also see a complete lack of mention of you having had therapy to deal with your issues resulting from what you went through.

It is however unreasonible to impose on others what they can and can't do on their own time instead of taking the steps to resolve the problems you have, or at least deal with them as best you will be able.

And you really NEED to get that counseling. For your own well being and mental health. Its not a waste of time or money.

Would you be willing to give up chick flicks and romance novels... because to a woman... those have the same effect on the brain as porn does to a male brain.

You have to understand porn isn't about you... don't try to think that it is. He doesn't see it like that either.

While I will say , I'm sorry you was subjected to that as a child.....I also have to say the following.

I hate to tell you this....but despite what you have been through...he has the right to watch it.

I also see a complete lack of mention of you haveing had therapy to deal with your issues resulting from what you went through.

It is however unreasonible to impose on others what they can and can't do on their own time instead of taking the steps to resolve the problems you have, or at least deal with them as best you will be able.

And you really NEED to get that councelling. For your own well being and mental health. Its not a waste of time or money.

Would you be willing to give up chick flicks and romance novels...because to a woman...those have the same effect on the brain as porn does to a male brain.

You have to understand porn isn't about you......don't try to think that it is. He doesn't see it like that either.

I understand that, and I have been through therapy, I am seeing a therapist now. She just doesn't help much. I don't know how to be okay with the situation though. I'm always told I'm never going to get over it. I just want to be normal and not feel the way I do. I understand my boyfriend loves me, but I can't think of him the same anymore. I try, but everything changed for me the day I saw that. I feel like I have no control over it either.

I understand that, and I have been through therapy, I am seeing a therapist now. She just doesn't help much. I don't know how to be okay with the situation though. I'm always told I'm never going to get over it. I just want to be normal and not feel the way I do. I understand my boyfriend loves me, but I can't think of him the same anymore. I try, but everything changed for me the day I saw that. I feel like I have no control over it either.

Glad you are getting the help you need... but seriously... if one therapist isn't working for you, don't give up on it... find another... half of therapy is getting the right match of people that are comfortible with each other. Its not much different than how you feel about who can be a friend or not... some people just don't click. Same with your health care professionals. How long it takes isn't the same for everyone... but it will help if you stick with it. I could tell you a story of someone I know that would send a chill up your spine (known her for over 15 years)... she was literally prostituted out as a child by her parents (and I mean child as in prepubescent)... and chained up at night... for years before she ran away as a early teen and lived on the streets... while she is still in therapy... she is a wonderful person and a wonderful mother to her kids... and I'll leave it at that... but if she could manage to live a normal life after what she was through... I think you can as well if you stick with it and keep a positive attitude. Just don't expect it to happen by next week or next month... Its a process, and it takes time.

You do have control over how you feel about something even if it may feel like you don't... however you don't have control over what he does any more than he has... or even should have control over what you do... each person has their own personal space... and each is entitled to it... even after marriage. It helps keep couples from getting on each others nerves or getting tired of being around each other.

Glad you are getting the help you need....but seriously...if one therapist isn't working for you, don't give up on it...find another....half of therapy is getting the right match of people that are comfortible with each other. Its not much differnt than how you feel about who can be a friend or not....some people just don't click. Same with your health care professionals.

You do have control over how you feel about something....however you don't have control over what he does any more than he has...or even should have control over what you do....each person has their own personal space...and each is entitled to it...even after marriage. It helps keep couples from getting on each others nerves or getting tired of being around each other.

I appreciate your help so much no one has given me good advice on this. Just to leave him because he should respect me. I think it would be wrong to leave him over that. I am currently looking for another therapist just they are hard to find when you don't have the best insurance. I don't know how to make myself okay with what he's doing though. As I agree with everything you've said, don't people in love need to understand each other and their differences? By him watching it does that mean he doesn't care about what happened and how it makes me feel?

I appreciate your help so much no one has given me good advice on this. Just to leave him because he should respect me. I think it would be wrong to leave him over that. I am currently looking for another therapist just they are hard to find when you don't have the best insurance. I don't know how to make myself okay with what he's doing though. As I agree with everything you've said, don't people in love need to understand each other and their differences? By him watching it does that mean he doesn't care about what happened and how it makes me feel?

Him watching it has nothing to do with you... in a guys mind there is no connection at all... they are totally separate issues... guys are visual... we get our mental stimulation through images... women are more cerebral and get the same though books and other more abstract means.

Its just that men and women think differently. Always have... always will.


Keep in mind loving someone has nothing to do with being expected to give everything up.. thats a incorrect concept many young people seem to think and it actually dooms many of their relationships as a result.

If your partner starts demanding or expecting you to give things up you like... anything, friends, things you watch... things you read... things you eat... it doesn't matter what... resentments begin to form... and then they grow over time until it poisons the relationship.

When you truly love someone... you accept them the way they are... flaws and all... you don't get to remould them into some other image that isn't them. Like a rubber band... people might stretch temporarily... but they snap right back to what they were before.

You will surprise yourself of what you are capable of... as long as you can maintain a positive and good outlook on life in general... and take the bumps along the way with a smile. Negativity also has a way of becoming reality if you choose to see only the bad in things. AS you get older... and have known people for decades.. you can see how their attitude shaped their future, as well as your own..

I am currently looking for another therapist just they are hard to find when you don't have the best insurance.
Have you checked with Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services? Plus many master's level counselors have a sliding scale that takes into account your income and insurance situation. If you need more specific help, let me know.

It comes down to being an issue of control. As a child, you had none and were subjected to horrible treatment that has greatly affected who you are and how you deal with the world. No, you will never forget what happened to you, but a good counselor will help you regain and know how to use that control that you lost.

Him watching it has nothing to do with you....in a guys mind there is no connection at all....they are totally seperate issues....guys are visual.....we get our mental stimulation through images...women are more cerebral and get the same though books and other more abstract means.

Its just that men and women think differently. Always have...always will.


Keep in mind loving someone has nothing to do with being expected to give everything up..thats a incorrect concept many young people seem to think and it actually dooms many of their relationships as a result.

If your partner starts demanding or expecting you to give things up you like.....anything, friends, things you watch...things you read...things you eat......it doesn't matter what....resentments begin to form...and then they grow over time until it poisons the relationship.

When you truely love someone...you accept them the way they are...flaws and all....you don't get to remould them into some other image that isn't them.

I guess our relationship was doomed to fail from the beginning I'm a young woman I'm 19. He's 21 since the beginning of our relationship I wasn't allowed to speak to guy friends and had to stop smoking cigs. I gave up a lot to be with him. Maybe that's why I resent him for not stopping when I asked. It's the one thing I've asked him to give up and I've given up so much for him.

Have you checked with Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services? Plus many master's level counselors have a sliding scale that takes into account your income and insurance situation. If you need more specific help, let me know.

It comes down to being an issue of control. As a child, you had none and were subjected to horrible treatment that has greatly affected who you are and how you deal with the world. No, you will never forget what happened to you, but a good counselor will help you regain and know how to use that control that you lost.

Thank you so much, I greatly appreciate this. I will definitely look into this with my mother.

Thank you so much, I greatly appreciate this. I will definitely look into this with my mother.
Please, please let me know how your search goes and how you are doing. I'm a counselor and thus have a special interest in this.

I guess our relationship was doomed to fail from the beginning I'm a young woman I'm 19. He's 21 since the beginning of our relationship I wasn't allowed to speak to guy friends and had to stop smoking cigs. I gave up a lot to be with him. Maybe that's why I resent him for not stopping when I asked. It's the one thing I've asked him to give up and I've given up so much for him.

Well cigarettes are one thing... the rest however are another.

Like I said... relationsships aren't about a competition on who gave what up... or who gave up more... if its meant to be... neither of you would see or expect the other to give these up because I gave those up. As you see when you do that... resentment follows.

Please, please let me know how your search goes and how you are doing. I'm a counselor and thus have a special interest in this.

I definitely will.

Well cigarettes are one thing....the rest however are another.

Like I said...relationsships aren't about a competition on who gave what up...or who gave up more....if its meant to be...neither of you would see or expect the other to give these up because I gave those up. As you see when you do that....resentment follows.

Yes, I see. I still have a lot to learn I know that, that's why I'm on here asking for help. I appreciate all the advice you've given me and I will use it in the future and even now. I can't thank you enough.

I wasn't allowed to speak to guy friends and had to stop smoking cigs. I gave up a lot to be with him.
Hmmm, it sounds like this is another control situation with someone dictating to you how you should act and how you should be in order to please him. Do you see the similarity to what happened when you were a child? I don't mean to negate your relationship with this guy since I don't know the history and entire scope of it, but it certainly doesn't sound like a 50-50 give-and-take relationship, does it.

I do agree with smoothy about the porn, but porn is definitely a hot-button issue for you.

Hmmm, it sounds like this is another control situation with someone dictating to you how you should act and how you should be in order to please him. Do you see the similarity to what happened when you were a child? I don't mean to negate your relationship with this guy since I don't know the history and entire scope of it, but it certainly doesn't sound like a 50-50 give-and-take relationship, does it.

Yeah, he is controlling. I've missed family parties because I had to be with him.

Yeah, he is controlling. I've missed family parties because I had to be with him.

See that's one of those things he had no business demanding you do...

Its not like you were going clubbing alone with a group of 8 guys...

Yeah, he is controlling. I've missed family parties because I had to be with him.
It's time to find that counselor! You do not want to be subject to controlling men (i.e. people) for the rest of your life. You need to find YOU again and know what and how to control certain things!

I do agree with smoothy about the porn, but porn is definitely a hot-button issue for you.

Yes, it is a very big issue for me. When I saw he was watching porn I couldn't speak, I couldn't eat, I cried for 3 days straight and its not because he was watching it. It's because of the way just seeing the site effected me. I don't know what to do. He seems like those bad people to me now...

See thats one of those things he had no business demanding you do.....

Its not like you were going clubbing alone with a group of 8 guys.....

Exactly! And he also claimed that men who watched porn didn't care about their girlfriends. So now it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. This caused me to be one big mess

It's time to find that counselor! You do not want to be subject to controlling men (i.e., people) for the rest of your life. You need to find YOU again and know what and how to control certain things!

I am trying.

Yes, it is a very big issue for me. When I saw he was watching porn I couldn't speak, I couldn't eat, I cried for 3 days straight and its not because he was watching it. It's because of the way just seeing the site effected me. I don't know what to do. He seems like those bad people to me now...
I'm also concerned about other things he is doing to control you, about his other demands that limit you. Sensitivity and empathy are not his two middle names.

What is good and worthy about him?

Exactly! And he also claimed that men who watched porn didn't care about their girlfriends. So now it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. This caused me to be one big mess

You know... on just those two issues... I'd tell you to move on... becaise first he isn't being honest with you about the porn... because it has nonthing to do with respect... I've been married for 21 years... I don't respect her any less than I did when we got married. And I watch some porn almost every day... and she has no issues with it because she knows its got nothing to do with her... in fact we enjoy certain kinds together from time to time...

But the real big problem is him demanding who you can and can't associate with... thats wrong on many levels... and ifs a precursor for major control issues, and possibly even abuse... if he dopesn't get a wake up call... he is likely to get far worse about that. ITs about boundries and limits... are there a few if I was single I might? Sure... but the fact is I'm not.. and they aren't so the issues isn't an issue because of boundries and limits... that don't get crossed.

I've got women friends... my wife has guy friends... we don't run around paranoid about it. Having friends of the opposite sex doesn't mean there is hanky panky going on... or even might.

Heck... I can even joke with my wife about that... she has one friend I'd jump in bed with in a heartbeat... wife s comeback is, yeah... like she would really do that with you... she even knows it because my wife joked with her about it one day... but we all get along splendedly and nothing wrong ever really happens because of those boundries...

I'm also concerned about other things he is doing to control you, about his other demands that limit you. Sensitivity and empathy are not his two middle names.

What is good and worthy about him?

Well, I was a mess when we became friends. I was depressed and not doing the right thing. He picked me back up. He cared for me when no one else could. It's hard to explain, I kept my rapes and my father touching me a secret until about two years ago when my father overdosed and died in the kitchen sink of my home. My family was getting over his death and still all loved him very much where as I didn't know how to feel about his death. My sisters shunned me when they found out about what happened with my father and I and wanted nothing to do with it. I was alone. He was there for me. Another reason why this hurts so much. He's just become a completely different person than what I knew.

You know...on just those two issues......I'd tell you to move on....becaise first he isn't being honest with you about the porn...because it has nonthing to do with respect....I've been married for 21 years....I don't respect her any less than I did when we got married. And I watch some porn almost every day....and she has no issues with it because she knows its got nothing to do with her...in fact we enjoy certain kinds together from time to time...

But the real big problem is him demanding who you can and can't associate with....thats wrong on many levels...and ifs a precurser for major control issues, and possibly even abuse....if he dopesn't get a wake up call...he is likely to get far worse about that. ITs about boundries and limits.....are there a few if I was single I might? Sure...but the fact is I'm not..and they aren't so the issues isn't an issue because of boundries and limits....that don't get crossed.

I've got women friends...my wife has guy friends.....we don't run around paranoid about it. Having friends of the opposite sex doesn't mean there is hanky panky going on...or even might.

Heck...I can even joke with my wife about that......she has one friend I'd jump in bed with in a heartbeat...wife s comeback is, yeah....like she would really do that with you...she even knows it because my wife joked with her about it one day...but we all get along splendedly and nothing wrong ever really happens.

So you think I should try to move on? I'm just scared I'm never going to trust anyone again. I'm so scared... I feel so alone..

He's just become a completely different person than what I knew.
Did he change after your revelation about your childhood?

I wonder if any other family members are holding on to their own secrets about your father's behavior toward them. There could be a lot of denial going on, unless you were the scapegoat and the only one he chose to control.

So you think I should try to move on? I'm just scared I'm never going to trust anyone again. I'm so scared..... I feel so alone..

I see a future abuser just over his telling you who you can assicoate with... thats an unhealthy control issue. It might not be abuse yet... but its not too far from it.

Sure he might grow out of it... or he might get far worse... just know most guys don't think like that... and also understand... everyone makes a few bad choices before they make the right one. And we would never know who the right one was... if we didn't date a few toads along the way.

YOu have to keep a positive attitude... men and women both like self confidence in our partners. Ever see a great looking guy with a homely gal... or a real nice looking Woman with a not so hot guy?

Sure sometimes it might be about money... but usually its self confidences that got their foot in the door... and their personality that landed the deal.

Did he change after your revelation about your childhood?

I wonder if any other family members are holding on to their own secrets about your father's behavior toward them. There could be a lot of denial going on, unless you were the scapegoat and the only one he chose to control.

No he changed after a couple months of dating. He started telling me I couldn't hangout with friends. He needed to be with me all the time I got kicked out because he would get upset if I left at night so I wasn't going home. I don't have a job because than "I will never see him, so what am I thinking?" My girlfriends tell me he changed once he knew he had me. Basically once I trusted him enough to sleep with him and once I stopped talking to one of my friends for him it fluctuated.

I see a future abuser just over his telling you who you can assicoate with...thats an unhealthy control issue. It might not be abuse yet...but its not too far from it.

Sure he might grow out of it...or he might get far worse.....just know most guys don't think like that....and also understand...everyone makes a few bad choices before they make the right one. And we would never know who the right one was... if we didn't date a few toads along the way.

That's true. It's just scary.

No he changed after a couple months of dating. He started telling me I couldn't hangout with friends. He needed to be with me all the time I got kicked out because he would get upset if I left at night so I wasn't going home. I don't have a job because than "I will never see him, so what am I thinking?" My girlfriends tell me he changed once he knew he had me. Basically once I trusted him enough to sleep with him and once I stopped talking to one of my friends for him it fluctuated.
A good counselor will help you figure out and be able to set boundaries with people. And yes, there are great guys out there who will love you and value you for who you are. But first, you need to find out who you are for yourself. Then you will be able to set those boundaries and be able to project confidence so others don't run roughshod over you. You need to learn how to say no.

A good counselor will help you figure out and be able to set boundaries with people. And yes, there are great guys out there who will love you and value you for who you are. But first, you need to find out who you are for yourself. Then you will be able to set those boundaries and be able to project confidence so others don't run roughshod over you. You need to learn how to say no.

I'm trying to find a good counselor. The ones I've gone to don't help at all.

I'm trying to find a good counselor. The ones I've gone to dont help at all.
I don't know why they aren't helping, so be sure to check with Catholic Charities etc. as I had posted earlier. You don't have to be Catholic to get into counseling, nor will they preach to you. The same is true of Lutheran Social Services. I've worked with both organizations, so I know what I say is true. May I ask your general location?

I don't know why they aren't helping, so be sure to check with Catholic Charities etc. as I had posted earlier. You don't have to be Catholic to get into counseling, nor will they preach to you. The same is true of Lutheran Social Services. I've worked with both organizations, so I know what I say is true. May I ask your general location?

Yes Riverhead NY, I really appreciate your help trying to find me a counselor.

Yes Riverhead NY, I really appreciate your help trying to find me a counselor.
Is this within your range? Give them a call and check them out.

Catholic Charities Mental Health Clinic
1727 North Ocean Avenue
Medford, NY 11763
(631) 654-1919

It's about a half hour to an hour drive I will check them out though thank you so much

It's about a half hour to an hour drive I will check them out though thankyou so much
Do a phone interview about cost and if they have counselors willing to work with you about this particular problem. Also ask if there are counselors closer to you or who will even come to your home. (That's what I did as a CC counselor--home visits and counseling).