Hey gang-
Not sure if I am posting in the correct topic.
My boyfriend secretly watches porn when he thinks I am asleep by sneaking his laptop into the bathroom and locking the door.
This may be natural... but it is very aggrevating and hurtful.
Two cents on a couple questions are welcomed:
Is this helpful for our sexual relationship? In that if I give off the vibe that I don't want sex, and he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
Naively, this is my first relationship... so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? Should I be worried?

Thanks much!

It's very normal for you to feel this way... been there, and felt that way too, but you have to understand that his behavior has NOTHING to do with you. I used to feel rejected until I talked to my guy friends and they told me that this is totally normal. You should be upset if he was having "adult conversation" with someone else on the internet, but watching pornos is not taking anything from you and its obvious that he is embarrassed if he is hidding from you. "don't ask don't tell"

Hi Aries,
lol... forgive me, I don't mean to laugh, and it isn't you who makes me chuckle, it's your worse half. We men ('some' of us) can be so stupid. He thinks he's being so 'covert', so clever, yet u know all about it. Why does he bother to hide it?
anyway, back to the point, and your Q.
pornography helps ZERO! It has no 'useful' reason for existence other than to make huge sums of money to those involved in its production. May I ask what faith u are?
if you're a catholic, like myself, than you should know that pornography is a mortal sin and as such it is obviously of no help at all. However, you might well be not interested to hear the religious and moral aspect of porn and sexual relations before marriage, so I won't bore u with that, hence the answer to your Q is NO it does not help. On the contrary, it might actually make things a lot worse. He sounds very immature to me and u may just find yourself being asked to perform things you'd rather not. If he gets hooked on porn, he may well seek to 'experiment' elsewhere, while still essentially sleeping in YOUR bed. That will lead him into promiscuity and will put u at risk of getting VD. VD's can easily lead to sterility in both your cases. You never actually get cured, just treated.
you say u are losing sleep... and ask is it worth a fight. Of course! You cannot continue without sleep. However, it also seems to me that your boyfriend is not about to stop, so, unless u are prepared to tolerate him watching porn, obviously somewhere else where your sleep is uninterrupted, you 2 in my opinion should split up.

I think this is a very common problem with relationships. First off, just because a guy watches porn, does not mean that he thinks any less of you, or that he don't want to be with you. When my girlfriend and I first started dating, we used to watch it together. Now she feels the same way you do, she gets mad, and says it makes her feel like her body is not good enough. Honestly, I think this is the best way, though... expecially if your looking for something new to try in the bedroom. Just turn something on that looks fun, and it sort of brings it up without you just saying "I wanna do this"... I think you'll find the type that he watches, is something he wants to try.

Most women (as far as I know) do not have as much as a sex drive as guys, so if the girl don't want it, the guy is going to "relieve" himself. There are also times where, the guy just wants to "go". When a guy is having sex (at least me) I feel obligated to make sure my girl is satisfied before I go. Some days this can take longer than others. If a guy masturbates, he can pretty much make it last as long, or short as he wants.

I forgat to mention that in my opinion watching pornos does not help the relationship. If your BF is mature enough he'll understand your point of view if you tell him that it bothers you and if its not an addiction you may ask him to stop and he should. I just don't feel that you should make the mistake of looking inside your relationship to find answers cause his behavior has nothing to do with you. That is probably the way he was satisfying his sexual appetite prior to being in a relationship with you... but now its time to quit.

It is very sad that people feel the need to turn to porn for ideas on what to do in bed. I find this quite pathetic. Making love to a woman is not about how many different positions you can twist her body into, it's about loving her, and showing her that. Unfortunately all most men are interested in is getting off, so no wonder there are so many 3 minute jokes about us, or even less. A kiss is the most intimate thing two people can do, if they know how to do it. And patience is also necessary. A woman will always be left frustrated because she almost always wants to go slow, and we men (and there are exceptions) are like a bull in a china shop, and porn is all about self gratification, with no regard for your partner. Q for everyone... how often can you watch the same film over and over again??
Even if it is a good film!! Well that's exactly what porn is... once you've seen it a few times, it becomes boring as hell, whereas with a little imagination, from both sides, making love should never become a routine and boring.. assuming of course that you are with the right person.

Hi People-
First thanks for the honesty...
I suspect he is looking at porn at the least. At the worst, he is having those adult conversations on someone else on the internet.
I thought about returning the favor, but somehow I can't go through "all the way".

So as follow-up, if I don't have proof (and I admit, I don't-all this is suspect based on the time of the night-up until 2am, what I find the next morning-seminal excretions) what would I say?
I've tried the "what time did you go to sleep last night" (recieving reply of I don't know) and "what were you doing up so late" (recieving reply of watching videos/news).

Could there be deeper issues (ie satisfaction?)?

And to address the adopting porn behavior, either I'm noticing it more or it's really there, but lately some exlamations/questions have been asked that leave me more to suspect.

Check the history and u'll know what site's he's been on.

Communication is a must and instead of playing detective you may want to comfront him directly once you are certain that he is up to no good.

Yes, but you see-he locks the door. I tried the "I need to use the restroom" tactic. All he has to do is close the browser. What would you suggest I do then? Grab his laptop and screen his history--oh and the history part, his mozilla has the feature to delete all history/temp int files/cookies upon closing.

Ugh :( seems like a no win situation.
Sorry for my discouraged attitude... thanks for your advice, though. I'd like more if you come up with anything else.

Ok, granted this is a complicated topic, but I thought I'd add a couple of quick points here.

Next time he sneaks off, simply follow him and ask what he's doing. You really need to find out exactly what he is up to before you continue!

Firstly, if he is watching porn, you need to find out why he feels the need to hide the fact he's doing so. Don't out-and-out confront him about it ("Have you been watching porn") because his knee-jerk male reaction will be to deny it regardless! The last thing that he needs to hear is what he's doing is wrong, because then he'll just look for other ways of hiding it from you!

If he IS watching porn, it's very unlikely it's due to not being satisfied, he may just like watching porn! I watch it, I have a girlfriend who I have sex with and both experiences are very different!

Also, don't go through his laptop looking for 'evidence', if he catches you doing so or even if you do find anything, it will be absolutely no use to you other than to confront him as above.

I hope this helps a little!

I think it's all been said :) you have to decide now whether u wish to associate with a person like that. There should be no secrets in a good solid loving relationship. You are a person who does not like porn so u should look for a guy who is interested in you, developing a loving relationship with YOU, and not some virtual bimbo. If there is no respect in a relationship, there can be no real lasting love, only pain and misery and disappointment. What u must have, and never lose, is your self-respect and your moral standards. U must never compromise on these 2 things. If you do not respect yourSELF, u cannot expect another to do it. If u lose it on the account of another, he will NEVER help u regain it, but only ever use u, for if u can compromise on that, he'll count on u compromising on all else. And if u compromise on MORALS... well... I can't think of anything worse. Be selfish in this case, and think only of what u want. After all, all he wants is for u to shut up, stop nagging him, and give in to his desires, whatever they are and whatever they may become.

Don't know how you feel about porn, but perhaps if you watched a video together it might spice things up for you both. If not for you, I wouldn't worry about it. It's more important that he's not communicating with someone online.

I wouldn't bet a rupee that he won't, sooner or later.
As for your suggestion of 'spicing things up'... that's a nonsense.
All it can do is make more problems for them both if they try to do what they see in such trash. There isn't one thing that porn is good for. The world as it is is so full of immorality that there's no cure for it. If we analyse just the last 20 years, and consider the speed of 'progress' (what a joke) than in the next 20 years it is reasonable to assume that things will get worse at an even faster rate.

I watch porn with my girlfriend on a regular basis, and we both watch porn alone, I see absolutely no problem with that, we're both adults, there's no morality issue there!

I place a good 50 / 50 split on my sexual technique and experience on past relationships and porn. I think I'm a great lover, both my girlfriend and I are very happy in all aspects of our relationship and we really love each other!

I think the main problem in this question is that the boyfriend is hiding his activities!

I have to say I have absolutely no problem with men looking at porn. All guys will look at porn at some point. Any woman who tells herself other wise is kidding themselves. (Unless obviously they are against it for religious reasons, then in that case I would not like to comment). It is a one way thing and helps guys feel more confident in bed. They see a guy doing something and they think 'she's going to love it when I do that'. However, conversations on the internet are really dodgy. Where does it stop and when does it become infidelity? His opinion on that may not be the same as yours. The fact he is hiding from you isn't good but then he may think you will over react. I suggest that you listen at the door. A bit naughty I know, but you will be able to hear if it is one click every so often (Blatantly porn!) or a lot of typing which would suggest otherwise! There are ways to check the history on all comps but to be honest I wouldn't know how or suggest you try to find out because you might mess something up.
If its porn, try watching it with him and tell him to come out of the bathroom. If not, then at least you know and you can decide how bad it is.

Unless obviously they are against it for religious reasons, then in that case I would not like to comment
<> well I would! Objecting to porn and not indulging in porn for religious reasons is the best reason there is. Not believing in God does not make Him disappear. Not believing in Him is more of an excuse to allow ones self to do what one knows he/she should not.
man lives for 70 odd years, and God wants him in heaven. Sin and an eternity of hell is what awaits. Don't misunderstand, we ALL sin, but a lack of regret and a fervent wish and attempt NOT to sin will ensure a one way ticket into the basement.
what I just said may generate strong comments, but they will not reverse or erase the truth.

It is a one way thing and helps guys feel more confident in bed.
<> how pray tell does a guy feel more confident??
what he will see is a guy who can go on for hours. Will his ability to go for a matter of minutes 'only' make him feel confident about his ability??
he'll see women do things his lady will never do, will that encourage him to find a 'lady' who'll endulge him?? Yes, it very well might.
morality is the one standard in the world that, like 2+2=4, should never change with the passing of time. It is not a fashion thing. The fact that 9 people out of 10 today do something that that 1 person refuses to, does not make them RIGHT and him WRONG.
Slavery was a 'normal' thing in the south in US history, and not just US history. Was it RIGHT??

They see a guy doing something and they think 'she's going to love it when I do that'.
<> and when he does it, and she hates it, and he hurts her physically and emotionally, what then?? Will THAT help his confidence? Will it IMPROVE their relationship??

However, conversations on the internet are really dodgy.
<> why?

Where does it stop and when does it become infidelity?
<> infidelity occurs even when you fanticise about sexual intimacy with a person other than your partner, and if your partner is not a spouse, than your intimacy with him is a sin. I know I'm not making myself popular here, but I don't care, the truth cannot be altered by the differing opinion of the masses, and truth is often unpopular, we ALL know that.

Ok, if you want to think of this in the BEST possible way, here's an idea. Right now, he thinks he is not good enough for you. He thinks that he does not pleasure you enough, and would like to learn something new to change this. When trying to think of how he can learn, he figures he has two options. One, find another woman, maybe that's a little more experienced that will help him out. He obviously loves you too much to do this, so he moves on to option two. Watch a little porn, learn a couple things, and have some fun with himself in the process. When he decides he feels comftable enough to try something, hopefully he don't just dive in, an he'll ask "hey, do you wanna try something a little different".

Now with these two senerios, which do you think you'd spend an eternity in hell for? :)

EnglishRose disagrees: I think you are taking this too far hun. Maybe you need to release some frustration of your own lol
<> Hey.. I knew there's be comments about my view, and that's OK, you're entitled to your opinion, I welcome it, but your point of 'taking it too far' is a matter of religious belief, and it has light years less to do with my (non)existence of frustration, lol:-)

iAMfromHuntersBar disagrees: Telling someone their boyfriend will go to hell for watching porn is a tad harsh fella! This isn't a witchhunt!
<> harsh? I expected this too. 'Harsh' is also a matter of religious belief. You don't believe in God (I assume, and I think it's a reasonable assumption) in which case you see (logically) nothing wrong with porn, and whatever else I might object to. That's OK, you have your own free will and you can exercise it as you see fit, but as I said earlier, one can say, and believe whatever one wants, yet none of that will change the truth, and that is that there is a God, and that porn is offensive to Him. But you rediculously condemn me as a witchhunter. Catholics have been condemned as such through history. Yes it is a fact that a great deal of injustice has been done IN THE NAME OF RELIGION, however, just because someone does something very wrong and does it in the name of suomething or someone, it does not mean that that someone, in this case God does NOT exist, and it is no reason to turn ones back on ones previous beliefs JUST BECAUSE OF ONE BAD EGG (or many!! ) If your friend has a very bad experience with one particular make of car, is that really a reason for you to never buy a car from that manufacturere?? Of course not.
p.s. forgive me if I appear to be a 'windbag' and talk too much for your liking.

<> suddenimpact... HOW can you know WHAT he thinks!!
And quite frankly, looking for an experience woman to practice with so that he can better please his girl would be beyond twisted.
I shall happily risk being a boring preaching windbag (by all means read no further) and continue.
The problem with people today is that they want everything in a hurry, gratification too. They have no patience. Becoming a good lover is NOT something that happens to man or woman by watching porn. Porn by definition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with love or making love. All it is is SEX SEX SEX. Communication between partners is imperative. Both parties need to speak openly and frankly about sex. That is another problem, people don't talk about what they like or dislike enough, so you end up with the situation of one side not knowing what the other likes, and so frustration builds up. When people talk openly and honestly (about everything) than there is never confusion. Through communication and practice people become better at sex/making love and also grow closer together. Learning together is much more fun than going to some whore to learn on so that you can be the best you can be over night. It's fur more fun and romantic learning together. Also, there are numerous books on technique... since when is porn considered the only place one can learn anything??
p.s. if you're reading this, congratulations!! :O) I hope it was worth the pain to you.

I can tell by reading your posts that in your case watching porn is not helpful to your sexual relation ship, or you would not be asking the kind of questions that you are. First off you are not sure what he is doing and it is already effecting your relationship. What are you going to do if you find out for sure that he is looking at porn. Or maybe a worse case, what if he is carrying on a sexual conversation with another girl on the Internet.

I think if you attitude was different and you got turned on by the fact that your partner is a sexual person then it might not bother you if he is watching porn.
I myself do not look at porn, other than the shots like the one of Brittany Spears getting out of her car with her beaver showing, but that is not for sexual stimulation, only to see what the nuts of the hollywood crowd are doing.

We all do that. The no knicker girls are annoying, yet you can't look away!

I can tell by reading your posts that in your case watching porn is not helpful to your sexual relation ship, or you would not be asking the kind of questions that you are. First off you are not sure what he is doing and it is already effecting your relationship. What are you going to do if you find out for sure that he is looking at porn. Or maybe a worse case, what if he is carrying on a sexual conversation with another girl on the Internet.

I think if you attitude was different and you got turned on by the fact that your partner is a sexual person then it might not bother you if he is watching porn.
I myself do not look at porn, other than the shots like the one of Brittany Spears getting out of her car with her beaver showing, but that is not for sexual stimulation, only to see what the nuts of the hollywood crowd are doing.

If I find out that he is carrying on a sexual conversations, I think I'd have to pause our relationship and define to myself, the meaning of infidelity.

Him watching porn while I am asleep and not being able to communicat it is definitely an issue in this relationship. I am trying to understand though, is it because I'm asleep that he can't wake me up and tell me that he's feeling sexual, or is it because I'm asleep that he feels like he can be more sexual?
You are right, the uncertainty may be what is inflicting the first pain.
I am not sure though, that I would get turned on by the fact that my b/f runs with his laptop to the bathroom in his most clandestine way.
I know my partner is very passionate, but I guess I'd like his passion to be directed towards me.
And thinking about it a little more, I don't think my attitude would remain positive about porn, if I began suspecting his stimulation, while with me, was entirely and solely based on his pornographic memory. In fact, I think I'd feel used.

And since we are only able to guess the reason for his extreme secrecy, he may even be talking to... guys!! Stranger things have happened, no!!

<> suddenimpact...HOW can u know WHAT he thinks!?!?


I didn't say that I knew what he thought... I said it was the best POSSIBLE way to look at it.

This is not about pornography folks, but the inability of one spouse not talking to the other. Not only is communication needed, but how to communicate. All the assumptions and confused feelings can be cleared up by just asking him what he is doing, and why, in an honest non threatening manner. You'd be surprised to know what people really think and why they do what they do so TALK AND LISTEN and don't get caught in every ones speculations. No matter what the issue is from porn to snoring working together through communicating is the way couples solve their problems to the benefit of them both.

Guys like seeing naked women... its how we are wired. However as long as he does not deprive you of what you need in the way of intimacy and contact you have been accustomed to get then its not an issue. Now if he is because all he can do is stay online then it starts to rise to the level of an addiction.

I do this (watch porn) but don't hide if from my wife who is there when I am online.


Now if you are talking chat rooms... thats a whole different thing.

Guys like seeing naked women... its how we are wired.
<> this is true, but 'how we are wired' is NOT always how we should behave. We are also 'wired' to feel emotions such as hate, desire for revenge, violence, but it does not mean that we should give in to them. What is wrong is wrong... majority of opinion can/will never alter that fact. We are human, we have 'free will', we are not animals,we do not act/react according to 'instinct'. It is this fact more than any other, apart from our conscience, that separates us for the lower species. It is exactly because our sense of right and wrong has been diluted over the years, that man often behaves worse than an animal. Man chooses... animals do not!

However as long as he does not deprive you of what you need in the way of intimacy and contact you have been accustomed to get then its not an issue.
<> the fact that the young lady is uncomfortable (very) with his behaviour proves that she IS being deprived. She does not agree with it, yet he insists on doing it, and so does it in the middle of the night, which now deprives her of her sleep.

Now if he is because all he can do is stay online then it starts to rise to the level of an addiction.
<>!! The man is sitting on the loo in the middle of the night, behind a locked door!!
If that is not an addiction... I haven't seen one...

I do this (watch porn) but don't hide if from my wife who is there when I am online.
<> if she was asked: "madam, would you rather that your husband did not watch porn at all, ever...what would she say??"

Now if you are talking chat rooms... thats a whole different thing.
<> chatrooms are only worse, not different in a good way.

Well, she is demanding he not watch porn even when she is not there. Would she have the same objection when she is not there if he is off work that day? I'll be she does, Does he object when she chats away with her lady friends or spends the weekend shopping with them? Does he agree with this? Odds are this is possible.

I sense a bit of controlling behavior here. She is trying to dictate every little thing he does, his entire day. I don't hear, I have a problem with my husband because he spends 6+ hours a day watching porn, I hear she has a problem he is watching porn AT ALL. There is a HUGE difference there.

You know marriage is a two way street. Henpeck a man about something and it only reinforces that behavior. I'm sure she might do something he highly disagrees with. Its not a he MUST do as I say while I do as I wish. That's exactly the sort of behavior that drives many men to have affairs or even end up resenting their wives not to mention divorce, Many (but not all I will admit) of those women are also the most boorish people in bed as well.

Porn for men is no different than your average daytime soap operas are for women. It becomes a problem if it becomes hours on end. Would she rather he watch porn at times or start watching other women? And I am not saying the latter is acceptable.

Now chatrooms I totally agree because there is human interaction and is a whole different thing. Particularly if he is talking with women (or even men) online. Looking at photos is a whole different thing than talking with people. I NEVER do chatrooms, period.


Now you may or may not agree with this (and you are entitled to either way) but this is my opinion on the topic.

There is a way to go about things, and communicating to solve this problem to the benefit of both is the way to go. If nobody is willing to give, then we have a stalemate, and no growth or progress can be made, and yes I agree she sound controlling and unbend able. More of a mother than a mate.

Hi Everyone-

Thanks for sharing all that:o .
I guess I need a more direct way of talking with him about what he is doing. I honestly don't know... he could be chatting at the worse case or watching porn at the best. There aren't that many other things one can do that can take the place of sleep at 2am...
I've tried asking in a non-chalant, non-threatening way (what were you doing up so late). I've tried a more clever, interrupting way (I need to use the restroom).
I was wondering if you all thought it would be worth the hassle to say I suspect he watches porn/chats online only to get a very rehearsed response of "no, baby I wasn't in the bathroom that long...blah blah...I dont watch porn....blah blah I love you...blah blah...i don't want to disturb you when you are asleep...blah blah reading the news...".
I suppose this is becoming an issue of trust, then? If I know that something is going on, without any proof where do I go? I hope I'm not making this more complicated...

So do I have a problem with porn? Instinctly, emotionally, I'd answer yes. But that has a lot do with my own background/experience. On a more practical level, I'd answer no. I mentioned I understood the indoctrinated/natural factor for men. It's part of their growth, I guess.

In terms of controlling behavior... I'd disagree. Perhaps expectations is a clearer description. I don't expect to feel used. I don't expect to be degraded. I expect to be treated and loved just as I treat and love. So, if I were to run on a shopping spree at 2am when he was asleep, I suppose it wouldn't bother me as much if he were to intoxicate himself hours on end online. I'm not married, so I don't know a thing about marriage or divorce. Hey, this is my first "real" relationship... I do know that I need to pick my battles. Another reason why I am here asking you...

SMOOTHY, TALANIMAN... maybe you guys should read her words again...
WHERE on God's earth do you see 'control' in them!!
*****
Hey gang-
Not sure if I am posting in the correct topic.
My boyfriend secretly watches porn when he thinks I am asleep by sneaking his laptop into the bathroom and locking the door.
This may be natural... but it is very aggrevating and hurtful.
Two cents on a couple questions are welcomed:
Is this helpful for our sexual relationship? In that if I give off the vibe that I don't want sex, and he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
Naively, this is my first relationship... so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? Should I be worried?
Thanks much!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, but you see-he locks the door. I tried the "I need to use the restroom" tactic. All he has to do is close the browser.
What would you suggest I do then? Grab his laptop and screen his history--oh and the history part, his mozilla has the feature to delete all history/temp int files/cookies upon closing.
Ugh seems like a no win situation.
Sorry for my discouraged attitude... thanks for your advice, though. I'd like more if you come up with anything else.
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If I find out that he is carrying on a sexual conversations, I think I'd have to pause our relationship and define to myself, the meaning of infidelity.
Him watching porn while I am asleep and not being able to communicat it is definitely an issue in this relationship.
I am trying to understand though, is it because I'm asleep that he can't wake me up and tell me that he's feeling sexual, or is it because I'm asleep that he feels like he can be more sexual?
You are right, the uncertainty may be what is inflicting the first pain.
I am not sure though, that I would get turned on by the fact that my b/f runs with his laptop to the bathroom in his most clandestine way.
I know my partner is very passionate, but I guess I'd like his passion to be directed towards me.
And thinking about it a little more, I don't think my attitude would remain positive about porn, if I began suspecting his stimulation, while with me, was entirely and solely based on his pornographic memory. In fact, I think I'd feel used.
*****
Well, she is demanding he not watch porn even when she is not there.
<> I see no 'demand' as such, all I see is that she is greately bothered by it, hurt by it, made to feel uncomfortable about it, and he doesn't give a monkeys about her feelings.

Would she have the same objection when she is not there if he is off work that day? I'll be she does.
<> I don't know. Maybe yes maybe no, but that isn't what this is all about, not what she is asking advice about. I happen to think that she should because I'm against porn, but what I have also noticed is that, apart from me, and I think another (apologies if I'm wrong), guys seem to be on his side. Nobody takes the girls feelings into consideration.

Does he object when she chats away with her lady friends or spends the weekend shopping with them? Does he agree with this? Odds are this is possible.
<> you're WAY off the topic here! You're digressing and turning the whole situation on her, as if SHE is doing something wrong, SHE is not! You are actually comparing leering over pornography to shopping! And for what... shoes? Groceries? Come on... if HE was AGAINST her "shopping" or talking to her friends, than that really WOULD be controlling.
Let's me fair guys... hm!

I sense a bit of controlling behavior here. She is trying to dictate every little thing he does, his entire day.
<> what 'every little thing'?? For one, porn is not a 'little thing'... and for another, porn is the only 'thing' we are talking about here, nothing else.

I don't hear, I have a problem with my husband because he spends 6+ hours a day watching porn, I hear she has a problem he is watching porn AT ALL. There is a HUGE difference there.
<> (a) they are not married, and this is her FIRST relationship. Yes there is a difference as you say, but... is it WRONG to be against PORN!!

You know marriage is a two way street.
<> WHAT MARRIAGE!!

Henpeck a man about something and it only reinforces that behavior. I'm sure she might do something he highly disagrees with.
<> u are making excuses for him. Is this a guy thing or what!! U don't even KNOW HIM yet you defend him as though you do, as though your best buddies.
And, where in her words do you see that she henpecks him? And, on the basis of what are you so sure that she does things he finds disagreeable?
I'm sorry mate, but you are not being totally fair.

Its not a he MUST do as I say while I do as I wish. That's exactly the sort of behavior that drives many men to have affairs or even end up resenting their wives not to mention divorce, Many (but not all I will admit) of those women are also the most boorish people in bed as well.
<> er... I don't know who you are referring to here, but you cannot be thinking about her.

Porn for men is no different than your average daytime soap operas are for women.
<> lol... you'd be surprised to hear how many men watch that nonsense too :O)

It becomes a problem if it becomes hours on end. Would she rather he watch porn at times or start watching other women? And I am not saying the latter is acceptable.
<> say what you will, you or anyone, but immorality is wrong, and porn is immoral.

Now chatrooms I totally agree because there is human interaction and is a whole different thing. Particularly if he is talking with women (or even men) online. Looking at photos is a whole different thing than talking with people. I NEVER do chatrooms, period.

Now you may or may not agree with this (and you are entitled to either way) but this is my opinion on the topic.
<> I think it's obvious that we disagree, but that's OK... that at least is not immoral, haha..
*****
There is a way to go about things, and communicating to solve this problem to the benefit of both is the way to go.
<> absolutely! But HE isn't communicating!

If nobody is willing to give, then we have a stalemate, and no growth or progress can be made, and yes I agree she sound controlling and unbend able. More of a mother than a mate.
<> as an 'expert' u are making a completely unfair assumption, and on the basis of NON-existant information. Read again, and if need be... again.

RubyPitbull disagrees:
Sorry, but I think you are way off base here.

Robertsqueen agrees:
Disagrees: She didn't come here to be lectured on her boyfriend being morally wrong.. I have to agree wth Ruby that you are way off base.

Immorality is not a question of being on or off base, so your comments don't hold water. I did make a comment above that men seem to be defending him, yet you 2 ladies seem to be defending him too. Interesting...
And, if I was being off base towards her, it really would be up the her to tell me that, no one else.

Well crocop, I can say that I have known women who Were controlling as all hell, who also complained about a guy watching porn. They demanded certain behavior and turned around and did far worse themselves. That's what I detected in the brief exposure I have had to this member here. In her case was I wrong, its possible, but its also possible I wasn't. Without knowing the entire story in all its minute details and without her possible bias in it then its hard to be certain.

However I do detect a bit of whatever he has done he is automatically wrong and regardless of what's going on she is unconditionally right from your post, and that part is extremely clear. That makes me question your motives behind this.

If you want to talk about assumptions being made, keep in mind you were also making quite a few of your own. It is possible we are all wrong here and he wasn't watching porn at all, and was doing office work for all we know for certain.

Well crocop, I can say that I have known women who Were controlling as all hell, who also complained about a guy watching porn. They demanded certain behavior and turned around and did worse themselves. THats what I detected in the brief exposure I have had to this member here. In her case was I wrong, its possible, but its also possible I wasn't. Without knowing the entire story in all its minute details its hard to be certain.

However I do detect a bit of whatever he has done he is automatically wrong and irregardless of whats going on she is unconditionally right from your post, and that part is extremely clear. That makes me question your motives behind this.

From the brief exposure I've given everyone, no more or less to you, you are beyond wrong about me being demanding. Just curious, how did you detect that?


Without knowing the full details, it's better if you didn't respond at all.
Without knowing the entire story about you and the brief exposure you've disclosed about yourself, it's hard to be certain whether your response was some kind of displaced emotional baggage/anger about your past experiences with women or your current experience with your wife... either case, I do not care to know.

I understand what your going through. Let me tell you what I do. When I got married my husband watched porn behind my back. I found out by looking at the history and looking at the trash bin (in the computer).
I told him it bugged me. He asked why and I told him the truth. It made me feel less of a woman. It made me feel that I didn't satisfy his needs. He explained he didn't do it for that reason. So I asked him not to do it.
He might still watch it but what I don't know doesn't hurt me. But now every one in a while I'll turn it to the playboy channel and we'll watch it together. He isn't addicted, and I really find no point of watching porn, but I rather have my husband count on me than on anyone else. And he trusts me and he knows that he doesn't need to hide from me.
Talk to you BF and see if it works. GOOD LUCK:)

To Crocop.
I read what was written quite well, and since you ask crocop, your morality is yours, and has nothing to do with me, and to this point I've pretty much left you alone with what is your opinion. If you read any of my posts the main theme is communication, and with 33 years of marriage under my belt I know excatly what I'm talking about. As far as controlling, what would you call someone who tells you what to do with your free time? Their time. No where has he thrown it in her face, or done it in front of her, but while she knew what he was doing, chose to interrupt and make him stop, controlling and desrespectfull, even in the bathroon she should know to wait till he is through with his business and then talk. So you can wrap yourself around your morality and sugar coat her behaviour but it still stands, she was trying to control his actions because it did not meet her standard as to what a man should be doing with his spare time. I submit respectfully for you to reread what I've written and I really don't care about your morality, if your happy with it, then so am I.

Well crocop, I can say that I have known women who Were controlling as all hell, who also complained about a guy watching porn. They demanded certain behavior and turned around and did far worse themselves.
<> I cannot comment on your experience because you offer no info, you are just accusing them of being controlling and doing something worse. Maybe you are right in your case, maybe not.
Aries on the other hand has offered details and on the basis of those details I have formulated my comments/opinions, and I still challenge you to show me evidence of her trying to control him. Pornography is a huge issue with people, and she has a God given right to be anti it. No?

That's what I detected in the brief exposure I have had to this member here. In her case was I wrong, its possible, but its also possible I wasn't.
<> exactly! You see a 50/50 possibility, yet you are still prepared to accuse her of being controlling. In a court of law, your argument would last 5 seconds.

Without knowing the entire story in all its minute details and without her possible bias in it then its hard to be certain.
<> of course she is biased! How can she NOT be!! The issue is a large one, and one she finds difficult to accept. Your argument of being biased would only apply if she was, say, supporting a friend of hers, because she's a friend, kind of like a vested interest.

However I do detect a bit of whatever he has done he is automatically wrong and regardless of what's going on she is unconditionally right from your post, and that part is extremely clear. That makes me question your motives behind this.
<> my motives!! That's a very odd thing to say. I'm against pornography, and immorality in general (as should we all be), and his behaviour is childish. If he's so hooked on it, why shove it in her face? His love of porn is even preventing her access into the loo in the middle of the night. I fail to see how in all this anyone can make her out to be the bad guy here.

If you want to talk about assumptions being made, keep in mind you were also making quite a few of your own. It is possible we are all wrong here and he wasn't watching porn at all, and was doing office work for all we know for certain.
<> office work... in the loo... behind a locked door... refusing her access... making her, for all we know, pee in her panties... office work... yes of course... why didn't I think of that? Give me a break!

To Crocop.
I read what was written quite well, and since you ask crocop, your morality is yours, and has nothing to do with me, and to this point I've pretty much left you alone with what is your opinion. If you read any of my posts the main theme is communication, and with 33 years of marriage under my belt I know excatly what i'm talking about. As far as controlling, what would you call someone who tells you what to do with your free time? Their time. No where has he thrown it in her face, or done it in front of her, but while she knew what he was doing, chose to interupt and make him stop, controlling and desrespectfull, even in the bathroon she should know to wait till he is thru with his business and then talk. So you can wrap yourself around your morality and sugar coat her behaviour but it still stands, she was trying to control his actions because it did not meet her standard as to what a man should be doing with his spare time. I submit respectfully for you to reread what I've written and I really don't care about your morality, if your happy with it, then so am I.

While I do not disagree with your advice to improve communication, I do disagree with your free time comment. If in her free time, your wife chose to participate in a behavior that would aggrevate you and not be open/honest/communicate about it, RelationshipExpert, would you call yourself controlling in trying to figure it out (ie how to facilitate conversation, etc)?
And I do NOT know exactly what he is doing. I'm suspecting that 2+hours in the bathroom with your laptop and headphones until 2am means something. Would you advise with Xyears of marriage under your belt that I wait until he comes out of the bathroom at 3am and ask him about it. What kind of response would I get esp. if he's chosen to HIDE it?

What is my standard as to what a man should be doing with his spare time? Please quote me and do not continue assuming. This part is not helpful.

TALANIMAN... I see no communication from him. As for the bathroom... his business as far as we have been led to believe, and we have no reason to think different, was to play with his laptop. Is that what the loo is for!!
Forgive me in advance if I offend u in any way, that is the last thing I want to do, but.. where do u read that she is telling him what do in his spare time!!
Also... 33 years of marriage doesn't always guarantee anything, but I absolutely agree with you, and am glad that we do agree on something, is that communication is the key to all. However, being able to read a situation well and fairly, and without direct accusations on the basis of unfounded reasons, is equally important. For instance, you are questioning my motives! On what basis? On your opinion? U are guilty of making vast assumptions, with less info than zero.

disagrees: Didn't read my postings. Character assassinations based on assumptions are not helpful.

I read your post quite carefully actually and 99% of my posts address the issue of a lack of communications or a lack of how to communicate. I know very well it takes two and this was my main point.




And he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
Naively, this is my first relationship... so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? Should I be worried?



I tried to address this concern also, which you chose to ignore as with my other posts, as to me assassinating your character you just have to examine the statement of you coming home early to find him watching porn, which is nothing but you controlling his free time to do as he pleases. CONTROLLING! Also your efforts in the bathroom that you assume to be okay was seen as controlling as your intent was one of confrontation, which you call trying to talk to him about his problem. I get it bothers you, but don't blame me for pointing out the obvious, you two do not know how to communicate to solve your problems to the benefit of you both. That is what I got by reading your post and I stand by it 100% as my honest opinion. You can be mad to hear what you don't like or focus on listening and learning to solve your own problems. This may be your first relationship and posting on a public forum but my 33 years of being happily married should let you know that I know a little something' about what couples can do to be healthy. Sorry if it didn't meet your needs.

Lol.. I give up, actually I don't, but I just can't be bothered. 2+2 to you is obviously something other than 4. your in your own film, know zero about aries, yet you think your 33 happy married years (wife too?) help you see what there is no evidence of. You hammer away at communication, yet yours is failing miserably with her. She tells you one thing, and you put cotton wool in your ears, you ignore her. That's rude!! U are shoving your 33 years down her throat... if you ask me... YOU are being controlling. FOR ALL U KNOW... her boyfriend, on the subject of control, might just disagree with u.
Here's a shock for you...
Maybe she IS a controlling type, I cannot know for certain.
End of shock!
However, EQUALLY so, nor can YOU! All I know is that on the basis of the information she has given, and everything she has said, she is not.
If you were a psychologist, and not just a 33y man, you'd see that.

I read your post quite carefully actually and 99% of my posts address the issue of a lack of communications or a lack of how to communicate. I know very well it takes two and this was my main point.




I tried to address this concern also, which you chose to ignore as with my other posts, as to me assassinating your character you just have to examine the statement of you coming home early to find him watching porn, which is nothing but you controlling his free time to do as he pleases. CONTROLLING!! Also your efforts in the bathroom that you assume to be okay was seen as controlling as your intent was one of confrontation, which you call trying to talk to him about his problem. I get it bothers you, but don't blame me for pointing out the obvious, you two do not know how to communicate to solve your problems to the benefit of you both. That is what I got by reading your post and I stand by it 100% as my honest opinion. You can be mad to hear what you don't like or focus on listening and learning to solve your own problems. This may be your first relationship and posting on a public forum but my 33 years of being happily married should let you know that I know a little something' about what couples can do to be healthy. Sorry if it didn't meet your needs.

Your response made me laugh... calm down!
Where have I said I'd like him to do any more than communicate and be honest? Please quote me.
Please read my posts as clearly you have not! I have tried talking to him, before, after during his time in the bathroom. Were you blinded by them? Please do not judge my intentions, you are in no position to do so.
This is one small issue which occurred in our relationship. Please do not generalize to the entire relationship--where have I discussed the problemS? I haven't blamed you for anything, that seems to be your style.
I'm not mad, it's a little entertaining to see how you are bothered by things I do not agree with. I appreciate your repeated suggestion of communication. Too bad with your 33years, you can not provide more.
It's okay you didn't "meet my needs" (what does that mean anyway? ), I'd be more concerend about the needs you wouldn't meet of your wife.
Thanks for writing anyway.

TALANIMAN... I see no communication from him.
Neither do I, but he hasn't thrown it in her face either
As for the bathroom... his business as far as we have been led to believe, and we have no reason to think different, was to play with his laptop. Is that what the loo is for!!
Its his bathroom and he can do whatever he wants, I know you don't have a problem with that and since the door is closed and locked, who's assumptions do we believe
Forgive me in advance if I offend u in any way, that is the last thing I want to do, but.. where do u read that she is telling him what do in his spare time!!
Her actions and from what she has written
Also... 33 years of marriage doesn't always guarantee anything,
In this case I think it guarantees that I know how to make my woman happy and to stay in my corner, If thats nothing , oh well so be it!
But I absolutely agree with you, and am glad that we do agree on something, is that communication is the key to all.
That's exactly what I've been saying in all my posts so how could you have skipped that in your moralistic rants?
However, being able to read a situation well and fairly,
And without direct accusations on the basis of unfounded reasons, is equally important.
Been their , done that. Please read my other posts(4900 of them) before you question my ability to assess a post according to what has been written
For instance, you are questioning my motives! On what basis? On your opinion? U are guilty of making vast assumptions, with less info than zero
My comments to you are what YOU have written here and other posts, and they are not assumptions and you know it. Hey I come to help, if you don't like it pass on it, and do whatever you want cause it ain't no big deal.

Which is nothing but you controlling his free time to do as he pleases.
<> this was funny the first time I read it, funnier the second...
No one in society can EVER do 'as they please, and certainly not in a relationship.
Is the state being 'controlling' by making illegal gatherings of people of a certain number, and in certain places?
Is the police being 'controlling' by enforcing the law?
I could go on and on... but I've made my point...

Here is a Q for whoever dares to offer an opinion...
If violent films can trigger violent behaviour from a viewer, and (real) experts answer affirmative... can we deduce from that that sexually explicit films might prompt a viewer to try to act out a 'favourite' scene, with his girlfriend?
If she says NO... is it reasonable to assume that he may, after fantasising about it enough, seek to fulfill his fantasy elsewhere, either by 'paying' for his fantasy, or possibly even by some sinister means, i.e. rape?

Aries, I do appreciate your honest search for answers and just me, you did come off as a little controlling but I can concede this may be unintentional as you just wanted to know what to do. Forgive my harshness as it has caused me to be deleted here a few times, and obviously you are new here. If I may suggest sitting him down and asking him directly if he is master bating, in a low key polite way without drama, or judgement as this is a sensitive subject most men do it in private. I think it important to dialogue, and get to the root of a problem and it may take more than one talk but what's the hurry.

TALANIMAN... I see no communication from him.
Neither do I, but he hasn't thrown it in her face either
<> how can you know that! You cannot.

As for the bathroom... his business as far as we have been led to believe, and we have no reason to think different, was to play with his laptop. Is that what the loo is for!!
Its his bathroom and he can do whatever he wants, I know you don't have a problem with that and since the door is closed and locked, who's assumptions do we believe
<> HIS bathroom? ONLY his??

Forgive me in advance if I offend you in any way, that is the last thing I want to do, but.. where do you read that she is telling him what do in his spare time!!
Her actions and from what she has written
<> no no no... english might be your mother tongue, but you do not understand the lingo any better than I do. She does NOT say that. She has even told you that HERSELF, yet you are so wrapped up in your own expertise that what she says to you is uttery irrelevant. Is THAT what YOU call communication??

Also... 33 years of marriage doesn't always guarantee anything,
In this case I think it guarantees that I know how to make my woman happy and to stay in my corner, If that's nothing , oh well so be it!
<> "how to make my woman happy"... you make her sound like an indian squaw.
Maybe you just 'think' she's happy. If you ignore what she tells you in the same way that u so rudely and arrogantly ignore what aries tells u, and make your own assumptions, than I think there's at least a little room for doubt there.

But I absolutely agree with you, and am glad that we do agree on something, is that communication is the key to all.
That's exactly what I've been saying in all my posts so how could you have skipped that in your moralistic rants?
<> lol.. moralistic rants.. thank you.. Mr. Communication. Yes, comm. Is the key, but knowing HOW to is the key. I think you've mislayed yours.

However, being able to read a situation well and fairly,
And without direct accusations on the basis of unfounded reasons, is equally important.
Been their , done that. Please read my other posts(4900 of them) before you question my ability to assess a post according to what has been written.
<> on that basis of what aries has written, and on the basis of your replies to her, I can do NOTHING else but question your abilities. As for your challenge of reading your 4900 posts... you MUST be jesting mate!!

For instance, you are questioning my motives! On what basis? On your opinion? U are guilty of making vast assumptions, with less info than zero
My comments to you are what YOU have written here and other posts, and they are not assumptions and you know it.
<> I KNOW it!! You're incredible (in a negative sense). Now your assuming to know what I know that I know?? Hahahaha... you're too much... and that is not a compliment.

Hey I come to help, if you don't like it pass on it, and do whatever you want cause it ain't no big deal.
<> thank you... that's mighty generous of u. yes I think I will pass on it.

Aries, I do appreciate your honest search for answers and just me
<> just you what! If u meant trust, than say it, but don't hold your breath on it.

You did come off as a little controlling
<> no she didn't. NO YOU DIDN'T GIRL!!

But I can concede this may be unintentional
<> oh whoopie... the expert makes a concetion.

As you just wanted to know what to do.
<> again u misread... she did not ask to be told what to do, she merely sought opinions and advice.

Forgive my harshness as it has caused me to be deleted here a few times
<> NO!! Really?? Lol... I wonder why...

And obviously you are new here.
<> is/was this important!!

If I may suggest sitting him down and asking him directly if he is master bating
<> tell me that you're kidding! You're suggesting that she asks him if he's masterbating!! (notice, one word) you are WAY out off line expert!

In a low key polite way without drama, or judgement as this is a sensitive subject most men do it in private.
<> in a good solid relationship, where there is love and understanding, deep desire to please ones partner, more than ones self, where there is TRUE communication, there is NO need for 'lonely' masturbation, or even for pornography. In this type of a relationship, both sides are fulfilled beyond a desire for such things. Whatever pleasure a man gets from masterbating, it pales into comparison when it's done with their partner, that is mutually.

I think it important to dialogue, and get to the root of a problem and it may take more than one talk but what's the hurry.
<> this is something u should have said WAY back, before the controlling accusation.
Better late I guess... oh, and she HAD tried that, but with no joy.

Aries, I do appreciate your honest search for answers and just me, you did come off as a little controlling but I can concede this may be unintentional as you just wanted to know what to do. Forgive my harshness as it has caused me to be deleted here a few times, and obviously you are new here. If I may suggest sitting him down and asking him directly if he is master bating, in a low key polite way without drama, or judgement as this is a sensitive subject most men do it in private. I think it important to dialogue, and get to the root of a problem and it may take more than one talk but whats the hurry.

Word games can be fun (ie, you are coming off as stubborn and worse than harsh and I know this is intentional), but it's not worth my time.

I thank you for your two cents.

OK OK, enough... I think by now, she has gotten everyone's opinion. She knows how each of us feel about the topic. Now it is up to her. She can take in everything that has been said here, and decide on her own which way she wants to go.

I hope everything works out for you, which ever way you go!

Although this question did get a little heated up (I got a little irritated too) I think it was a very good debate :)

P.S.
I apologize if anything I said offended, or bothered anyone.

From the brief exposure I've given everyone, no more or less to you, you are beyond wrong about me being demanding. Just curious, how did you detect that?


without knowing the full details, it's better if you didn't respond at all.
without knowing the entire story about you and the brief exposure you've disclosed about yourself, it's hard to be certain whether your response was some kind of displaced emotional baggage/anger about your past experiences with women or your current experience with your wife...either case, I do not care to know.Well, I do fully realise I could be wrong... thats the flaw in online forums where you never see the person face to face.

Let me ask you this... do you object to his watching a small amount of porn in your presence? Now I will fully agree 4 hours or more is a bit much? And nothing bizarre. I detected a tone in posts that you fully object to his viewing of ANY porn at all. And I know there are other women who do take that stance. Therefore that is what I saw and what I commented based on.

If the answer to that is no then I am mistaken.

I have no question if he is on chatrooms at night in the bathroom, something is up, or he would do it with you there.


Keep in mind you are the one who posted this here. Without you posting the full details of this how will you expect us to respond. Many women will leave out details to make one party look worse than the other.

So in all honesty, if you post a question online you should be prepared to hear all aspects of it from others, not just those you may want to hear. It goes with the turf.

Personally from your comments, you appear to be the one carrying the baggage, not me. But you need to consider, don't demand something from your man you would not want to be demanded of you if the shoe was on the other foot.


At 45 my exposure to women is anything but brief. Having lived on more than one Country and dated women born and raised in many corners of the world before I got married.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's the way it is. Sometimes people develop habits they aren't aware of and don't want to hear about. We all have at one time or other.

hey smoothy,

Again, I'd like to know how you have detected anything. This means I'd like to see one of my quotes and your skills at detection. Thereafter, I'd start to consider your argument.

And likewise, how do you see me carrying baggage? Have I mentioned other people from other relationships, like you? Am I the one 45 and having exposure to women who were demanding as hell and then based on that, claim to "detect a tone"? Baggage means, simply, something carrying over from your history... this means what you have at age 45.

I appreciate all aspects of this topic, given they are based on facts and logic and not assumptions and stereotypical labeling. I appreciate your opinions that were logical (he could be doing x, y or z). I did not appreciate all your other ones.

'keep in mind' that if you want to know full details about a story, which I suggest you need to do since you run with senseless "detections" and base your responses on what "many women" do/don't do, you can just ask.

thanks anyway.

hey smoothy,

Again, I'd like to know how you have detected anything. This means I'd like to see one of my quotes and your skills at detection. Thereafter, I'd start to consider your arguement.

And likewise, how do you see me carrying baggage? Have I mentioned other people from other relationships, like you? Am I the one 45 and having exposure to women who were demanding as hell and then based on that, claim to "detect a tone"? Baggage means, simply, something carrying over from your history...this means what you have at age 45.

I appreciate all aspects of this topic, given they are based on facts and logic and not assumptions and stereotypical labeling. I appreciate your opinions that were logical (he could be doing x, y or z). I did not appreciate all your other ones.

'keep in mind' that if you want to know full details about a story, which I suggest you need to do since you run with senseless "detections" and base your responses on what "many women" do/don't do, you can just ask.

thanks anyway.Well, what do I see, that's a simple question. I see a strong sensitivity to the subject, Usually people who have had issues with certain things become hypersensitive to them in a general sense. And yes I have known a couple women who had been raped or sexually abused. They had the biggest issues compared to other women I have known even though they would argue fervently they didn't. And no I am not trying to diminish what they went through.

I read in what you said early on that he was not free to view iit in your presence. And therefor he was doing it in the bathroom. Was I incorrect in that.


The term "many women" can be interchanged with "on the average I have seen". And quite honestly I have had female friends of my wife confiding much of the same things as well. The details of which I shall not repeat, but over the years I have heard quite a few perspectives from quite a few women I had no emotional interests in.

And I am also very aware its human nature to selectively leave out bits of negative info about themselves while embellishing the actions of the other party. When one feels slighted it's a normal reaction, men do it, women do it. Hell even I admit to doing it. Its nothing personal meant towards you so don't take it that way. It means I tend to view accusations with a grain of salt knowing the emotions behind it, and having seen some from the perspectives of both parties who were both close friends that were grossly different in their takes of the other. And keep in mind we only hear one side of the story here.

Well, what do I see, thats a simple question. I see a strong sensitivity to the subject, Usually people who have had issues with certain things become hypersensitive to them in a general sense. And yes I have known a couple women who had been raped or sexually abused. They had the biggest issues compared to other women I have known even though they would argue fervently they didn't. And no I am not trying to diminish what they went through.

I read in what you said early on that he was not free to view iit in your presence. And therefor he was doing it in the bathroom. Was I incorrect in that.


The term "many women" can be interchanges with "on the average I have seen".

And I am also very aware its human nature to selectively leave out bits of negative info about themselves while embellishing the actions of the other party. When one feels slighted its a normal reaction, men do it, women do it. Hell even I admit to doing it. Its nothing personal meant towards you so don't take it that way. It means I tend to view accusations with a grain of salt knowing the emotions behind it, and having seen some from the perspectives of both parties who were both close friends.

You may be right about how you have seen people become hypersensitive. My strongest objection (not sensitivity) about this was his style in conducting himself and his response to my bringing it up.
It would be best if you suspected anything, you would ask instead of continue with a misconstrued suspicion.

Without delving into the story, I want to clear a misunderstanding of yours. I didn't say that he was not free to view it, either in my presence or not. I had a problem with him running to the bathroom to hide whatever it was he was hiding. If I can not get him to open up about him doing it, how would I limit him to do it in the first place?

I agree with the selective memory/disclosure part-great point. You are making yourself more clear. Again, if there is something you think I am being selective about, then ask.

In any case, this thread is becoming exhausting-I'm done with it. Thanks again for what has been shared.

By Englishrose

H8 2 disagree,your usually so spot on but rather than just suggest a way to help, you have blamed her without really knowing what is going on.While I personally don't mind a man looking @ porn she owes it to her boyfriend 2 let him no it upsets her

I blame her for nothing, merely try to point out her approach towards him may have made him want to hide his actions.

I tried the "I need to use the restroom" tactic. All he has to do is close the browser.
This is not really her problem its his being unable to be honest about his feelings and actions, so her curiousity and resentment of a lack of knowing is understandable given this is her first relationship.

I
don't think my attitude would remain positive about porn, if I began suspecting his stimulation, while with me, was entirely and solely based on his pornographic memory. In fact, I think I'd feel used.
How will you ever know? Many things stimulate a man when making love not just porn, but fantasies, or past experiences with you or others. That's the nature of the beast. Females go through the same thing as I bet images of Brad Pitt has entertained many a female fantasy while with her man. Don't tell me you never fantasied while making love? Be honest.

you may be right about how you have seen people become hypersensitive. My strongest objection (not sensitivity) about this was his style in conducting himself and his response to my bringing it up.
It would be best if you suspected anything, you would ask instead of continue with a misconstrued suspicion.

without delving into the story, i want to clear a misunderstanding of yours. I didn't say that he was not free to view it, either in my presence or not. I had a problem with him running to the bathroom to hide whatever it was he was hiding. If I can not get him to open up about him doing it, how would I limit him to do it in the first place?

I agree with the selective memory/disclosure part-great point. you are making yourself more clear. Again, if there is something you think I am being selective about, then ask.

In any case, this thread is becoming exhausting-I'm done with it. Thanks again for what has been shared.Well if you never had objections to his viewing it in your presence AND he clearly knew that before then that will change things.

And as far as asking every little minute thing. Some of us are not natural typists. And are limited to what is presented to us by this text medium. Which I am sure you know would take a week of entries to find out what can be spoken in 5 minutes.

There aren't many people here who express any hostility, and none has been tossed by me at any point.

Are you sure he knows he is welcome to watch porn in your presence or is this just assumed. It could be possible he has interpreted a large disapproval from you on the topic that you may not be aware of. Men and women do not literally interpret things identically, particularly if it wasn't directly discussed. Trust me in I learned about that many , many years ago. Now if in fact that was clearly and directly discussed and it was clear to him you did not object to it. And I am again speaking on what HE believes to be the case. Then if there is sneaking around then there might be something to be suspicious of.

Behavior such as this can feed rather than discourage what is hoped for. On BOTH sides. Guys despise with a passion being accused of stuff they aren't doing that the wife for whatever reason does think. That can feed itself to the point the man will go and do it since and this is a mans thought " Hell, if I'm going to be punished for doing something I haven't done, I might as well go and do it just to make it worth it."

Again that's being blunt and direct. No hostility intended.

Talk to him. My lifegot spoilt bcos of this. I started expecting too much from my partner - porn is not real -the expectation is too much.

Just let it go

Find A New Boyfriend!! there Are So Many Fish In The Sea . Don't Waste Your Time Life Energe Its Not Worth It Just Straight Up Ask Him If He Lies Hes Out You Can't Change What Doesn't Want To Be Changed!!

Possible he's watching porn as you might not be attending to his sexual needs - make him talk it out.

You can't be shure whether he's watching porn- all you know is that he spends a long time in the bathroom with his laptop in the middle of the night- is it possible that he's chatting with someone in a difrent time zone (hence the strange time)

Just have sex with him and play with him and maybe he won't feel so dependent on porn

I can't understand any of those garbled answers enough to have it answered myself. I have no issues with my boyfriend doing it-- but at what point is it a pronlem? Also how much is too much when you have a great sex life.. or is it not so great because he has to find another outlet. He also doesn't admit it-- although I know for a fact. So is that from guilt or embarrassement. Is it just coming out now becuas ethe "honeymoon is over" we have been together over a year now. Is there any man on this site that can tell me he has a normal sexual relationship and a healthy porn addiction on the side?? I am definiktely not controlling and got him some of the porn he has- just didn't expect it to be used so often without me-- I guess my bad-- any advice?

I can't understand any of those garbled answers enough to have it answered myself. I have no issues with my boyfriend doing it-- but at what point is it a pronlem? Also how much is too much when you have a great sex life.. or is it not so great becuase he has to find another outlet. He also doesn't admit it-- although I know for a fact. So is that from guilt or embarrassement. Is it just coming out now becuas ethe "honeymoon is over" we have been together over a year now. is there any man on this site that can tell me he has a normal sexual realtionship and a healthy porn addiction on the side????? I am definiktely not controlling and got him some of the porn he has- just didn't expect it to be used so often without me-- I guess my bad-- any advice?

I have a healthy sex life even after 16 years of marriage. As in almost every night. With almost anything that strikes either my or my wife's fancy at that moment. And yes I do watch porn as well, though it is while wife is in the room on her computer and not in a bathroom behind a locked door, or even when she is sleeping, ever.

Watch porn together ;)

Watch porn together ;)
Yes... it might give you both new ideas to try to keep your sex life from getting boring.

I think sometimes we make a mountain out of a mole hill, when we are insecure or jealous. I think communication and respecting ones space, allows us to do as we want without guilt trips, and makes for a happeir home atmosphere, and improves the relationship, as opposed to putting a strain on it. We are the problem sometimes, and need to recognise that, and know when to shut up, and back off.

Thanks! I just wanted to hear from a guys perspective. If it is normal to want both on a regular basis. I don't mind what he does as long as I am still satisfied ( which I am).

Thanks! I just wnated to hear from a guys perspective. If it is normal to want both on a regular basis. I don't mind what he does as long as I am still satisfied ( which I am).
Now if he ever starts neglecting you in favor of online porn... then you have an issue. Or should I rephrase that he has a problem.

Watch porn together? Haha... my fiancé (of 8 years) starting watching porn (and he thought I didn't know) and every time I tried to play or do anything else he acted uninterested, and at one point told me that it would be "too weird" if we watched porn together. Suddenly he doesn't even want to be in a relationship, he actually moved into our spare bedroom! So now I have a roomie not a fiancé... my suggestion you will have to either let him go or leave it alone, at least for now.

OH yeah no comments about why we have been engaged so long, circumstances that were beyond our control kept the ceremony from happening including him nearly dying about a year and a half ago.

Watch porn together? Haha....my fiance (of 8 years) starting watching porn (and he thought I didnt know) and every time I tried to play or do anything else he acted uninterested, and at one point told me that it would be "too weird" if we watched porn together. suddenly he doesn't even want to be in a relationship, he actually moved into our spare bedroom! So now I have a roomie not a fiance...my suggestion you will have to either let him go or leave it alone, at least for now.Odd, my wife even comments on any well endowed women (or men) we come across, etc... in our case we make it a couples thing. She's absolutely welcome to watch anything I watch right along side me if she wishes. She's always in the same room when I watch it anyway. No sneaking around needed.

I think it's the sneaking around that makes the females mad!!

I think its the sneaking around that makes the females mad!!!Problem is some women get upset just for their man liking to watch it PERIOD , without sneaking around.

Wow, I just am reading this post... I am going to state my 2 cents. My opinion, I love to watch porno! So this is just what I think about relationships in general.
I hear that people think porno is okay, and some say it is not. Well, it is a personal thing... but in a relationship, more often with women, your sex life is defined as part of your intimacy with your partner, an emotional connection with someone you care about... and being left out deliberately and being lied to about it probably doesn't feel good. And some women find it disrespectful, and they have the right to feel however they want!
But to someone women, porno is okay and if they want it in their relatonship, GREAT!
Every person has something they don't like and will not allow in a relationship or partner, whether it be porno, bars every night, strip clubs... if someone doesn't like something, then the partner should be respectful. And vice versa. I agree that hobbies should not be compromised in relationships, but porno is a grey area... is it really a hobby? Haha
But this sounds like there might be more to his feelings on porno. Maybe he is embarrassed. Maybe he feels he has to do it and doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe he can only watch it alone.. who knows! But the fact that he is lying is not okay... that is a problem. I suggest telling him how you feel... really think about what you want in your relationship, your values in relationships, and what you can do to get him more comfortable with talking to you about it... maybe asking him how you can get involved somehow. It should be a compromise... he isn't going to fully change, but maybe he will cmpromise to a point that you both feel comfortable! :)
Hope this helps...

I just can't imagine telling a grown person what to do in a marriage. Just because your against it. Isn't that's where that honest communication comes from. I think whether its porn or shopping, working together to find solutions to your problems that you both can live with is, the cornerstone of healthy relationships. Demanding, nagging, or ultimatums, only bring conflict and resistance, so why even go there. Anything can be worked out if both are willing to compromise, or maybe I've been married to long, I don't know.

You are right Tal, even in a relationship, we don't have the right to tell people what to do... but we have the right not to feel okay with something and to let someone know. And hopefully they will hear that person and compromise. Tal, It sounds like you have a healthy relationship... but not every partner has strong communication skills and problem solving skills. And sometimes it boils down to a commitment to a relationship. When two pople talk about things openly, and really listen to each other, they show commitment. It feels insecure when we are not heard in a relationship... Maybe sometimes we need to look closer at who we choose to be in a relationship with! :) But on a first date, it is hard to take your checklist and have one questions be "do you watch porn and not include me?" haha OK, that was off on a tangent...
I guess sometimes we need to look at our values, and if this goes against it, do not give in... if it is something that you can work out eventually, then maybe it is worth the work.

I think this argument is a lot like the leaving the toilet set up argument.

I mean how can she whine about him leaving the seat up when she leaves it down.

A simple compromise is when he takes a whiz... he picks it up and leaves it up. When she takes a wee she puts it down and leaves it down. Deal with it since its not hard to either lift it up or put it down. Some things are pretty petty to argue about.

He is an adult... as long as he's not locking himself in a bathroom to watch it. (assuming there aren't kids running around which can be a valid reason for that). Hell everyone does things that can be irritating as hell if you are dead set on finding a conflict. I hate going with my wife clothes shopping... but I put up with it, She doesn't bellyache about every single thing I do either. (some stuff yeah, but not everything)

Oh yeah it is you will get the best sex ever if you let him watch porn trust me it makes guys very horny and you learn new things to do you just have to be willing to try it

Hey gang-
Not sure if I am posting in the correct topic.
My boyfriend secretly watches porn when he thinks I am asleep by sneaking his laptop into the bathroom and locking the door.
This may be natural...but it is very aggrevating and hurtful.
Two cents on a couple questions are welcomed:
is this helpful for our sexual relationship? in that if I give off the vibe that I don't want sex, and he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
naively, this is my first relationship...so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? should I be worried?

thanks much!!
My two cents
I think that if you really like your boyfriend talk to him about it bring it up in a way that doesn't make him feel defensive. Perhaps, you both should watch porn together. No it doesn't mean that your relationship is automatically doomed.Take a positive approach and don't make this is all about you! Don' t lose sleep over this this is not a battle . Make him comfortable about not hiding the porn .This is your first relationship. Learn and grow. Do not let anyone else impose their moral or religious principles upon you yet openly discuss your feelings and try to find a mutual common ground based on love, respect, maturity and honesty. He may not have been honest because he may be ashamed . Give your guy a break before you condemn him to death or worse for watching naked women and or couples have sex. You may learn more about yourself and your boyfriend if you take a positive approach.
Good Luck!

"It is a one way thing and helps guys feel more confident in bed.
<> how pray tell does a guy feel more confident??????
what he will see is a guy who can go on for hours. will his ability to go for a matter of minutes 'only' make him feel confident about his ability???????
he'll see women do things his lady will never do, will that encourage him to find a 'lady' who'll endulge him??? yes, it very well might.
morality is the one standard in the world that, like 2+2=4, should never change with the passing of time. it is not a fashion thing. the fact that 9 ppl out of 10 today do something that that 1 person refuses to, does not make them RIGHT and him WRONG.

They see a guy doing something and they think 'she's gonna love it when I do that'.
<> and when he does it, and she hates it, and he hurts her physically and emotionally, what then??? will THAT help his confidence?? will it IMPROVE their relationship??"

He's right, I'm 18 and I dated a 23 year guy who was obsessed with porn, wanted me to cut and dye my hair like his fav. Porn star, wanted me to work out more and diet so I could look "Great like them" (I'm 120lbs, I'm not huge) He wanted to try the positions that he saw on there, he wanted me to make the noises that he saw on there. When I look back at that and how I gave in to him it makes me feel like , absolutely the worst ever, and it wouldn't have been like that if it wasn't for him looking at porn.

I hate it, I absolutely hate it and I think that most girls do, and if they've decided they're OK with their guy looking at porn they are lying to themselves. That's because it's easier to ignore it than to fight about it, even if it really hurts our feelings, most of us know that the guy will just lie and do it in secret instead.

I know a guy, he's one of my best friends, I've never been intimate with him or anything but we talk openly about that kind of stuff, and he said that he doesn't like porn, and he barely ever watches it, and if the girl that he was with didn't want him to watch it he wouldn't ever. So, there are guys out there who don't watch it and actually respect women, we just have to find one =)

And no, I don't think it's good for your relationship at all. When I know a guy is looking at porn that is the biggest turn off for me ever. I don't want to have anything to do with him, much less have sex. If he wants to learn how to do things right then he can go on sites like this and find out, he doesn't have to watch two girls making out or getting raped or a guy tying a girl up and forcing her to perform oral sex on him, that is not love or passion or anything good at all and just gives him horrible hurtful fantasies

YES you need to confront him about it and it is definetely worth the fight. If he knows that it hurts you and he keeps doing it then he doesn't care. You should find someone who does.

Sorry for your bad experience, but don't blame it on porn. Blame it on your willingness to please him. He sounds like a jerk. I do think porn, and the argument over it, shows some glaring weakness in the relationship that needs to be addressed. Its so easy to shift the blame, instead of putting in the work to get to the root problem, and deal with it in a positive manner, TOGETHER.

Porn is great for a relationship unless one person is so closed minded they find problems with it rather than use it to help their relationship.

Well, if you had a good relationship, you see something new, you want to try it and you partner does too, well you try it and one doesn't like it then well, like a new food you just don't have it again. Me and wife do this often, sometimes it works and we have a new thing to add to our warchest. And those one of us dislikes we never try again.

There are some things wife really loves, I am a bit neutral about but I know she loves so we do them.

Trust me that there are women that think sex is man on top , missionary position, one input only and wonder why he's sleeping around inside of 6 years, or vice versa with the guy thinking that and her running around to get variety.

Both parties need to be open minded enough to try new things with each other. And well, the rest you can leave to your imagination. Do that and you will have a healthy and frequent sex life into and beyond your second DECADE of marriage.

Hello. There are always ways to determine which sites have been visited, if you want to know how email me and I can let you know. I am going through a similar issue a the moment with my BF and understand how hurt you feel.

I'm sorry, but what is natural about your man cheating on you? If he'd prefer to let you sleep while he beats off to a computer screen, he is cheating. Obviously, to him, you alone are not enough. Let him beat it to the street.

Being addicted to porn really destroys a person's chance for a fulfilling sexuality. Over time, it often destroys an individuals ability to orgasm. Men get addicted to a certain type of sex action to facilitate their orgasms, and as the ability to achieve orgasm decreases over time due to over-familiarity, they end up with nothing... impotent. THIS IS MY OPINION. :)

Porn is a crutch toward masturbatory-type sex and just plain masturbating. Porn is directed to males and their mechanistic view of sex... in out in out in out faster faster faster... and so on... pumping the penis. There is no appreciation of their lover, strong emotions or passions or originality or spontaneity or...

If your "lover" prefers porn to you for sexual satisfaction, I don't see any future here for you.

Repeat after me... ITS ONLY A MOVIE!!

I'm always amused by the people that state that porn is degrading to women, and therefore relationships.

Have you noticed that the porn industry is in trouble?

Not because people are watching less porn--ha!

It's because internet porn is the way most people go--and more and more people are looking at the amateur sites. Amateur sites tend to be normal people, not perfect, and are generally couples who are spicing up their sex lives. Remember--some people get off on exhibitionism, and just as many of those people are women as men!

And by normal couples--I mean they're in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. They have stretch marks, and hair, and pimples and are enjoying the act more than the camera work. Anyone who has filmed themselves for private viewing later can attest that it doesn't matter if the camera is right at insertion point--what matters is the enthusiasm of the couple.

Again, though--porn is a TOOL. It's the same as a vibrator, or a blindfold, or silk straps. It's a way to add that little OOMPH to a relationship--when viewed TOGETHER.

Apart--yeah, it's a masturbatory tool. And so what? If it's not done in excess, is it REALLY any different than a romance novel, where his "turgid member slides into her gleaming sex"?

You have just convinced me to read more. Romance novels, huh??

Tal--you got to look for the really bad ones to get great sex scenes. The ones with a good plot (yeah, believe it or not, it happens--even in brain candy) seem to gloss over the sex.

If you get one about pirates, warriors, or the military--the sex gets pretty graphic most of the time. Good tool for couples, especially if you read it together in bed and get to giggling.

If you want REALLY good stuff, though--skip the romance novels. That's the Cinemax version of it. Go for true erotica--I recommend pretty much anything published under Black Lace.

I love romance novels though. I read voraciously, and not all of it is fluff. I usually have a fantasy novel, something more serious (gasp--even NONFICTION!) and a romance novel all going at once, and switch back and forth, depending on my mood. Romance novels are the brain candy of books--and I wish more men read them. If nothing else--romance novels are a study in foreplay. You want to get great ideas for a date, or for foreplay? Read a romance novel! Most of the time they are written by and for women--where BETTER to get ideas on what a woman wants?

But--you have to keep in mind that it's the same general idea as porn: yeah, it's the stuff a lot of women dream about--but women all want different things. And while those guys in the novels are great--most of us wouldn't WANT them for an actual partner. It's nice to dream, though, and I know a lot of women end up putting the face of the guy they love/want/like/are interested in/daydream about/whatever on the face of the hero in the book.

My husband ends up being the hero every time, regardless what he's supposed to look like in the book. :)

PS--the guys that should ESPECIALLY read romance novels are the ones that complain about not getting a date, the ones that have every girl tell them they're "too nice", the ones that have women leave because they're bored. Believe me--the hero is almost never "nice" or "boring" or "shy" in these books--and they give GREAT approaches to how to be not-so-nice without being a total jerk.

Show me a guy who can't get a date, I'll show you a guy who has few female friends, and is scared of rejection. One No, and he is gives up. Show me a female who doesn't like her man to look at porn, I'll show you a female that has issues with herself. I think the real problem is they see porn stars as competition, and not just an object as we men do, so they cannot be objective, or understanding. To me this causes an unnecessary conflict, when they take a hard stance against it. My own porn collection was removed when the kids started growing up. I will admit the fascination is gone, and interenet porn is to expensive, and the viruises are to abundant, but men will always be men. I like your idea about reading those romance novels to get an insight into what women want though, and plan to buy a few, and recite from them in my loin cloth, when the grandkids leave of course.

I have a question for you, does he have web cam, and is he taking that in the bathroom with him, because going through all that trouble of taking his Laptop in with him to look at porn seems abit extreme, and also, I think most men and women, when they masterbate think about the sexual experience they have had or having, rather than take porn in with them, anyway, the reason I ask about the webcam, he may be going on webcam sites and doing it in front of other people doing the same thing.

I have a question for you, does he have web cam, and is he taking that in the bathroom with him, because going through all that trouble of taking his Laptop in with him to look at porn seems abit extreme, and also, I think most men and women, when they masterbate think about the sexual experience they have had or having, rather than take porn in with them, anyway, the reason i ask about the webcam, he may be going on webcam sites and doing it in front of other people doing the same thing.I'll agree that's the situation when I would have a problem with it. I've never hidden it, but then I've never gone to that sort of thing either. Porn is porn... when you start interacting with others then it starts getting seriously iffy.

Hey there sweets!

I unfortunately have the same dilemma. The only difference is I *know* my boyfriend watches porn. In his defense he was upfront about it in the beginning but now he has progressed to sneaking around with it because he knows it hurts me and makes me intensely uncomfortable. We've talked about this topic at length I don't even know how many times, and the last two times we talked about it he said he would "change" and implied that he was going to give it up. Well, that never happened. =/ ..... I checked the history just yesterday (not for the purpose of checking up on him, mind you, I was trying to locate a site I was on) on the laptop and he was on all kinds of sites. It just makes me feel so disgusted and I feel like I'm losing respect for him because he just can't, or rather, won't, kick this thing. I'm sorry but I think I'm far more valuable than a bunch of trashy females on swinging their boobs at the camera. He agrees, and tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am and how much he loves me, and I do believe him.... most of the time...... however... doesn't it stand to reason to question his motives for watching porn? He has even said "You are my perfect woman. I don't need or want anyone else." .... I can't believe that, not from him at least. I can say with complete honesty that I think that I am a real and genuine catch. I am young, sexy, I take care of my body and am toned and slim, I am intelligent and fun-loving, educated, playful, all of the above. I'm an excellent cook, ballet dancer, 2nd degree black belt, yada yada, (not to toot my own horn, I just want to illustrate to the skeptics that I do not have self esteem issues as many assume of women who disagree with pornographic viewing) I love to satisfy my man, I intensely enjoy giving him amazing blowjobs, and even roleplaying and dressing up in cute little schoolgirl outfits for him, all of which he obviously loves, I just don't get why, after all this, he needs the porn!! It's just hard for me to believe him when he spews compliments like that, simply because his actions don't reflect his words. Rationalize it all you want by saying "oh it's natural, just go with it!" or "it's a guy thing". No, it's a useless thing. If both people are ok with pornographic viewing, then it's not a problem. However, I think since I've made it very clear that it genuinely hurts me, to the point of sometimes crying, he should probably reconsider his "need" for this crap. I've tried to accept it and/or ignore it. But it just doesn't happen. Every time he climbs into bed and starts cuddling with me I feel so strange... almost used. I should NEVER have to feel that way with the man I love. Yet, there it is.
Now.... enough of that.... honestly dear, try to talk to him. Tell him, "I know you watch porn, it's pretty obvious by your behavior. Why do you do it? Am I not enough for you? Or am I wasting my time?" If you really want proof, go into his Mozilla, and go into the "Tools" then "Options" it's listed under the "Privacy" section down at the bottom of the little window. "Always Clear my Private Data When I close Mozilla Firefox" just click the botton to deactivate it. He's not going to check it every time he logs off his computer. He probably won't even notice you changed it. Just do it for a couple nights or until you catch him on one of his little "escapades" and check the next day to see what the result is. You should see the trash my boyfriend watches. -_-' ....... Damn sluts....

Anyhow... hope I helped. I offer my sympathies at the very least.

-Leff-meister

If you really want proof, go into his Mozilla, and go into the "Tools" then "Options" it's listed under the "Privacy" section down at the bottom of the little window. "Always Clear my Private Data When I close Mozilla Firefox" just click the botton to deactivate it. He's not going to check it every time he logs off his computer. He probably won't even notice you changed it.

Now THAT is sneaky! Ha ha!

But honestly, if I found someone was trying to catch me out by doing something like that, I'd become even more withdrawn and find even better ways of covering my tracks!

I can see how you both you and the OP feel, but at the end of the day it's just masturbation.

Most men are visual creatures, i.e. we need something to look at to get off! Would you prefer if he went into the toilet, closed his eyes and used his imagination? Then you'd NEVER know what he's thinking about when he's rubbing one out!

Plus I find the more, and better sex I'm having, the more I masturbate and as I've said before, they're both massively different experiences!

Do you ladies never enjoy a 'moment to yourselves'? :confused:

I can not believe this thread is still going.

Seriously Synnen? Ha ha!

I can! I imagine it's a big issue that affects a large number of people around the world... I bet a lot more people read this thread than post to it!

Or were you just being ironic and helping keep it going?

Been there... Just found out and it devastated because we haven't been together and I felt neglected... he was getting off and I was just doing without... Being a Christian, that hurt a lot... we're still trying to heal... so the bottom line is... If he's not doing it with you and your consent... there's a problem... You need to be His focus and you guys need to talk if you want your relationship to move on. Hang in there and take care of yourself first... (it's not being selfish... which I've been told) It's a fact!

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Look in his recycle bin for deleted videos. They never suspect this... especially if he downloads them and then forgets to clean out his recycle bin.