Hearttoheart
Apr 17, 2013, 11:02 AM
I moved to a new city & country a year ago having come out of a very healthy functioning relationship, but one where I'd lost the love. I decided to try online dating for the first time and met someone fairly quickly (let's call this person B). The relationship was very unstable from the start, but loneliness and a desire to be loved and in a relationship kept me at it for several months. During this period as B expressed he was not committed, I got back online and started chatting with another guy (let's call him A) who happened to be moving to the same city as me. Our emails turned into phone calls and then we met, and met again and before you knew it I'd decided to leave the unstable guy and give this guy (A) a chance. For the whole time B was being unstable, this new guy was being loving, supportive, sending thoughtful messages, etc. It seemed almost too much initially... but it was so much nicer than how B was behaving. I have now been in a relationship with A for 9 months, but broke it off 2 months back. The past month my heart has been aching so much. I keep going over and over everything and wonder if I should try again with A.
I am a very loving and giving person, but can be quick to judge, can be harsh, critical (to others and self), controlling and self absorbed!
I had doubt from the beginning of my relationship with A... like he annoyed me or something. He was coming on super strong before we were even an item (telling me he loved me 5 times a day in the first month of being together kind of killed the impact), he's from a different country, cultural background, upbringing to me (he's a military brat). His life and relationship experience is not as vast as mine. I am his longest relationship. At times his opinions or observations seemed ignorant or stupid. Like I was embarrassed what he'd say next. He'd often leave when we'd have difficulties arise or act like a complete drama queen. I sometimes felt we were aliens talking two different languages. My big frustration was he would talk about all the things we were going to do, or he was going to do, to me, to others... but never mention them again... leaving me massively frustrated and trying to make him see how this doesn't work... I wanted him to get where I was coming from, but he often seemed to miss the point. I know the way I communicate at times could be kinder, softer, easier... and for me this is a major work in progress.
So after all this, I called it off. And we had contact initially. Then he suggested we meet. When we met he told me he wanted to try again. It felt like his expectations were that we were going to walk out of that meet hand in hand and everything would be OK. I needed him to acknowledge some of his behavior and he couldn't quite get it, so I lost my cool and the next thing you know he's blocked me from everything and we haven't spoken/had any contact for over a month. I emailed him an apology and nothing. I feel devastated. I am sad I acted the way I did. I am wondering if I supported more, spoke more gently, chose my battles more wisely, didn't insist on everything being done my way, let him take charge more, stopped worrying what other people think of him... if perhaps this guy could've been the one. I just couldn't accept the differences somehow. Even though I loved him for them also. Or maybe I'm just ego tripping and need to swiftly move on. We had so much fun together. I remember being so grateful when we met that here was someone with the same zest for life as me, slightly zany, but with a massive heart, someone searching for growth and universal understanding, who has their together for the most part. I feel confused what I want in a man... I feel confused what step to take next. Please help?
I am a very loving and giving person, but can be quick to judge, can be harsh, critical (to others and self), controlling and self absorbed!
I had doubt from the beginning of my relationship with A... like he annoyed me or something. He was coming on super strong before we were even an item (telling me he loved me 5 times a day in the first month of being together kind of killed the impact), he's from a different country, cultural background, upbringing to me (he's a military brat). His life and relationship experience is not as vast as mine. I am his longest relationship. At times his opinions or observations seemed ignorant or stupid. Like I was embarrassed what he'd say next. He'd often leave when we'd have difficulties arise or act like a complete drama queen. I sometimes felt we were aliens talking two different languages. My big frustration was he would talk about all the things we were going to do, or he was going to do, to me, to others... but never mention them again... leaving me massively frustrated and trying to make him see how this doesn't work... I wanted him to get where I was coming from, but he often seemed to miss the point. I know the way I communicate at times could be kinder, softer, easier... and for me this is a major work in progress.
So after all this, I called it off. And we had contact initially. Then he suggested we meet. When we met he told me he wanted to try again. It felt like his expectations were that we were going to walk out of that meet hand in hand and everything would be OK. I needed him to acknowledge some of his behavior and he couldn't quite get it, so I lost my cool and the next thing you know he's blocked me from everything and we haven't spoken/had any contact for over a month. I emailed him an apology and nothing. I feel devastated. I am sad I acted the way I did. I am wondering if I supported more, spoke more gently, chose my battles more wisely, didn't insist on everything being done my way, let him take charge more, stopped worrying what other people think of him... if perhaps this guy could've been the one. I just couldn't accept the differences somehow. Even though I loved him for them also. Or maybe I'm just ego tripping and need to swiftly move on. We had so much fun together. I remember being so grateful when we met that here was someone with the same zest for life as me, slightly zany, but with a massive heart, someone searching for growth and universal understanding, who has their together for the most part. I feel confused what I want in a man... I feel confused what step to take next. Please help?