I'm going to start from the very beginning. We started University and within 2 months I met her and instantly fell in love with her. I was always the one chasing her and asking if she wanted to meet up for this and that. She NEVER ended an evening of hanging out saying that she would like to see me the next day and never said anything like 'so what are you up to Wednesday?' etc. She was very shy and quiet however and was more of a listener and would very rarely open up to me.

After a few weeks a friend of mine let the cat out of the bag that I liked her and I thought that my chances of being in a relationship with her were very slim so I told her how I felt and asked her if she wanted to be with me, I wasn't going to get my hopes up and I expected a rejection. But I felt I had no choice as the guy stupidly told her. To my surprise she said yes. After a week or so of further hanging out together we hung out at my room (I was living in a student accommodation hall with about 30 other guys and she was from a small block of around 8 girls) and we got drunk one night and I said she could stay the night instead of walking back in the cold. She climbed in bed with me and we fell asleep. Days and weeks went by and she started living in my room and slowly clothes from her room migrated into mine and she moved in.

We would have a lot of fun together and it was great and we made out a lot and we were both happy. It came to the point where I broke down in front of her and said that I loved her, this clearly scared her and she obviously didn't feel the same for me after such little time and she went back to her accommodation to give me some space and she was shocked for a while until she came back. One night as we were watching a film at mine, there was a knock at my door and it turned out to be one of her friends and she asked to speak to her in private. Basically this friend of hers said that her housemates were worried about her and had not seen her in weeks, which was true as she was spending all her time with me (I was not controlling her in any way, it was her own choosing) they said that there were other guys out there and that she should choose her friends over me. This made me very upset and my girlfriend got very angry with them and decided to stay with me over them.

Living in an all male accommodation was very hard for her for going to the toilet etc and to avoid contact with her old friends she would sneak out late at night to have a shower at her old place without being seen. We lived like this until the end of the semester. A friend of mine heard that I was looking to move into a small house and she said there was a room I could rent that she was moving out of. I moved in and my girlfriend also ended up moving into a room there too as it would have been awkward for her to have moved back into her old accommodation after ignoring the girls there for so long.

We have been together for almost 2 years now and are still living together. It took us 2 months before we had sex and we were both virgins. Sex was not great at the beginning but it was new for the both of us and extremely fun and sometimes we had sex twice a day. After a while I got more sexual confidence and tried different angles and positions and improved a lot, she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it and doesn't try it on top anymore, even though I thought it was very sexy. When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. She doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset. I don't demand sex and I could live with the frequency, I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too. I have talked to her about it multiple times and she says that she has been very stressed and tired lately. Myself confidence has diminished and I am starting to wonder whether she is attracted to me, I asked her and she says that she is, just I am too 'comfortable'. She moved in with me twice and she's calling me comfortable. I have thought about moving out or asking her to move out and rent somewhere else to solve this. I am really in love with this girl and I know that she loves me too. We often talk about a future together and kids etc, so I know that she is committed and plans on staying with me. I am just unsure if this is the person I could marry in the future, how will she feel a few years from now? I am completely happy, but I get the impression that she has the signs that she is getting bored or losing interest in the relationship. I know this was a very long post, but I thought that I should explain the whole story. I really need someone's advice. Thanks in advance.

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Dude, when the lust has worn off often what's left is a lack of proper communications since things have changed both in your living situation, social circle, and expectations and now is the time for honest communications to see if these conflicts can be resolved.

Your bodies got you together but a meeting of the minds is what you build a life on.

Dude, when the lust has worn off often what's left is a lack of proper communications since things have changed both in your living situation, social circle, and expectations and now is the time for honest communications to see if these conflicts can be resolved.

Your bodies got you together but a meeting of the minds is what you build a life on.

Thanks for the time to read this. I think you could be right about the communication. I believe I communicate adequately with her, it's just she seems to want to avoid talking about it and says she's tired/stressed/got a headache lately. Maybe she is telling the truth, but it's been like this for a few months now and I am really starting to worry. I know if I push her to tell me honestly she may get mad at me and it may cause more problems, especially if she thinks I just want sex, which isn't true. I could live with sex just twice a month, a lack of her wanting sex or initiating any form of intimacy is what really bothers me. I used to be very introverted and felt uncomfortable showing intimacy towards her, but over the course of these 2 years my intimacy and love for her has grown while hers seems to have diminished towards me.

A lack of sex is but a symptom of a greater problem to be addressed in other areas of the relationship. If all you see as a problem is a lack of sex, then you are missing a bigger problem.

In time those unresolved issues breed resentments, confusion, and anger.

I'm a bit confused. You diagnosed someone with schizophrenia on another thread, so you must be in the psychiatric field, and a marvel in that field since no one can diagnose schizophrenia based on a few posts,when no actual medical professional could. How is it you can't diagnose your own issue?

I'm a bit confused. You diagnosed someone with schizophrenia on another thread, so you must be in the psychiatric field, and a marvel in that field since no one can diagnose schizophrenia based on a few posts,when no actual medical professional could. How is it you can't diagnose your own issue?

I diagnosed someone else's issue as it sounded just like my sister when she started showing symptoms of schizophrenia, I am no doctor or psychiatrist. The boy asked for help and I answered his post as I have experienced this unfortunate illness 2nd hand through my older sister. Growing up with her for years, I can assure you that I understand far more about the condition than any doctor graduate that simply reads out of a book. Also, do you believe that doctors and psychiatrists have perfect relationships? I highly doubt it. I fail to see the point you are trying to make.

Same question I've many times - why does anyone come on AMHD, taking the trouble to open an account, post inaccurate or inappropriate info (which all of us have done at one time or another) and then criticize and attack very well respected members who have answered thousands of questions?

Ego? Something else?

I diagnosed someone else's issue as it sounded just like my sister when she started showing symptoms of schizophrenia, I am no doctor or psychiatrist.

You can have an opinion, as we all do, but your process of diagnosis is as flawed and dangerous as your non credentials, and lack of qualifications.

Just caught this - "I diagnosed someone else's issue .."

Dangerous and foolish.

You can have an opinion, as we all do, but your process of diagnosis is as flawed and dangerous as your non credentials, and lack of qualifications.

You are right, it is an opinion. Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. The boy asked for people's opinions and I am entitled to my own. And no I do not have an ego problem, I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it. And how is my advice dangerous? How is he going to be in danger for thinking that he may have schizophrenia? Of course he should seek professional advice, but knowing that he could have schizophrenia is a start. If I am right and he does actually have schizophrenia, there is nothing they can do about it anyway so my advice is no more important than anyone else's nor is it any more dangerous.

It wasn't an opinion - it was diagnosis and I'm quoting you: "Just caught this - "I diagnosed someone else's issue.. "

I fail to see how your passive/aggressive comments and self-pity about your sister's illness and suggesting such a possibility to a stranger helps the stranger.

And should people come to AMHD for medical advice? No, because people who don't have a clue might diagnose them and cause irreparable harm.

The real issue is you taking a lack of sex by your partner as a lack of interest in YOU. My advice was to look deeper than the lack of sex.

Thank you talaniman

Perhaps your girlfriend is stung by your feelings that she's "tried it on top" but "isn't very good at it," particularly when this criticism comes from someone who was a virgin before he met her.

Or perhaps she simply doesn't like/love you any more. There's a lot of that going around.

Or maybe you aren't as skilled as you think you are.

Or maybe she thinks you are thinking of your relationship as a controlled experiment.

Or maybe the relationship was fun when you were pursuing her. Now that you've "caught her" it's not as much fun for her. You said you always chased her.

Or maybe love at first sight doesn't always last.

Schizophrenia runs in families. Maybe she's concerned about your family's history, it's a medical concern for her and she needs to be reassured. People have posted on AMHD that they've ended relationships due to health concerns.

You could always try asking her.

You are right, it is an opinion. Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. The boy asked for people's opinions and I am entitled to my own. And no I do not have an ego problem, I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it. And how is my advice dangerous? How is he going to be in danger for thinking that he may have schizophrenia? Of course he should seek professional advice, but knowing that he could have schizophrenia is a start. If I am right and he does actually have schizophrenia, there is nothing they can do about it anyway so my advice is no more important than anyone else's nor is it any more dangerous.

The danger is that you diagnosed. You didn't say "You should see a doctor, a specialist" you told the poster that he has schizophrenia. You can't make that diagnosis, you're not qualified.

Sharing your own experience is fine, that's what most of us base our opinions on, our past experiences, but diagnosing someone because you had a family member with similar symptoms, is dangerous.

We don't diagnose on this site, and that's what you did. It's not allowed. Opinion is, but not a diagnosis. Do you see the difference?

Perhaps your girlfriend is stung by your feelings that she's "tried it on top" but "isn't very good at it," particularly when this criticism comes from someone who was a virgin before he met her.

Or perhaps she simply doesn't like/love you any more. There's a lot of that going around.

Or maybe you aren't as skilled as you think you are.

Or maybe she thinks you are thinking of your relationship as a controlled experiment.

Or maybe the relationship was fun when you were pursuing her. Now that you've "caught her" it's not as much fun for her. You said you always chased her.

Or maybe love at first sight doesn't always last.

Schizophrenia runs in families. Maybe she's concerned about your family's history, it's a medical concern for her and she needs to be reassured. People have posted on AMHD that they've ended relationships due to health concerns.

You could always try asking her.
Thanks for taking the time to answer the question and some valid points there. I find her very attractive on top and I like her performance quite a lot. I never told her it was bad, she just doesn't feel confident and doesn't like the position very much. I just assume that she thinks she's not very good. I know that she loves me, she tells me that she does and she often talks about the future with me, having children and marriage etc. Maybe you are right and I am not as skilled as I think I am. I can make her orgasm on occasion but I find it very difficult. Do you think she may not be satisfied with the frequency of them? I am very serious about the relationship and I don't think of it as a controlled experiment, and I want to be with her in the future after university if possible. I agree about the chasing, I think the relationship is far less exciting now we're moved in together. The joke about schizophrenia made me laugh, but if you're being serious, I think that it doesn't bother her at all. She hasn't met my sister yet either, but it will be interesting/worrying to see her reaction to her condition.

I think you two jumped in to sex and living together too soon, especially since you two were inexperienced. She gave up friends and who knows what else to be in this relationship with you. Maybe she stayed all this time because you were her first and she does not want to feel like this time was for naught.
I think you two need to step away from each other (at least not living together) and give each other some breathing room. I'm thinking she is unhappy but does not want to admit even to herself that she is unhappy. The sex was fun and new at the beginning but she is just not into it any more and she may not be as in to you anymore.

Homegirl said it all, and well.

And, no, I wasn't joking about your sister's health. I'm not saying it did scare your girlfriend off. I am saying it could be a concern, particularly if she's not well informed. I'd suggest you and she do some research if this is the issue, but we all know that's not your style.

And whether someone is "good" or "bad" at sex is totally in the eyes of the participants. I don't know how you can judge "good" and "bad" if you are also inexperienced.

Thank you both for the input. I think homegirl could be right and I have considered moving out as a possibility. Maybe there is nothing wrong however and this is all just a sign that she's comfortable (in a good way) around me. All relationships are bound to loose spark as the individuals get comfortable around each other and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with the relationship or a lack of love. For now I have decided to just see how things go as she doesn't seem to want to talk or doesn't think there is anything to talk about. Perhaps she is happy after all. Time will tell I guess. If anything happens, I'll be sure to post.

The spark in a relation can fizzle a bit but when you get to where you want no sex and you don't even want to talk about it, there is a problem. That is not a sign of comfort. There is a problem when one person has a problem with something and the other doesn't. It means you are not on the same page, and when one does not even care to talk about it, well...
You two need to talk.

Yes, I have expresses to her that we need to talk, but she denies that there is a problem and doesn't converse with me about the subject. I cannot make her speak to me about it if she doesn't want to or if there is in fact nothing wrong. She claims she is just tired/stressed. I am just going to trust her words for now, I have stressed that this is bothering me and I feel that it is important for our relationship, and that is all that I can really do without making matters worse.

What is going to make matters worse is if it continues to be a problem for you and she continues to ignore it. But you will do what you want.
I wish you well.

I disagree with all relationships losing their spark, totally disagree. You already said she is bored with the relationship.

You've gotten every opinion under the sun. I'd give up on the relationship and move on.

Bottom line - you cannot make her love you!

I never said she was bored, I said maybe she was as I was just guessing. I have an update, I decided to try one more time to get an answer and this time I said that if I didn't get an answer I would consider moving on as I could only see it getting worse. She said that the 3 societies that she organizes in the university were really stressing her as she spends time planning them and she feels like people take her for granted, our other house mate won't clean up after himself and doesn't pay his share of the bills on time and our course assignments bother her too. And she said that she takes her frustration out at me over little things or over nothing at all as she is in a constant bad mood. She said that she loves me a lot and she said it would be best that she cancelled 2 of 3 societies she is running to ease some of the stress. It sounds like we are finally getting to possibly rectify this problem. I'll see how it goes from here. I'll keep you posted

Well, looks like we all wasted a lot of our time. OP is going to do what OP is going to do.

Stay tuned for the next round of posts.

Yes, much of this post WAS a waste of time as certain members were verbally abusing me about a mistake I made in a completely different, unrelated post. I did however, take time listening to people's opinions and I am grateful for them. Telling me to move on and give up etc was not an acceptable approach in my opinion as I had already stated that I was in love with her and was sure that she felt the same. Giving up is the easy thing to do and I would not have needed to post about it if I was going to do that. The post was to see the alternatives. This probably reads as a very aggressive reply, but I assure you that it's not and I am grateful for your time and I respect that.

Just read your story... I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and our sex has declined a lot, we use to have sex a lot ( sometimes 3 times a day) but that was quite early in our relationship. Sometimes things get boring in the bedroom, maybe you should try doing something different. Speaking for myself, I get bored quite easily and find that if It's not as spicy as it has been previous times the sex will slow down. Both my boyfriend and I have sat down and talked about this and I understand what you are going through... I guess the point I'm trying to get across is... talk about it, actually talk about it, tell her its bothering you! I hope I helped and I hope things work out :)

Just read your story... I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and our sex has declined a lot, we use to have sex a lot ( sometimes 3 times a day) but that was quite early in our relationship. Sometimes things get boring in the bedroom, maybe you should try doing something different. Speaking for myself, I get bored quite easily and find that if It's not as spicy as it has been previous times the sex will slow down. Both my boyfriend and I have sat down and talked about this and I understand what you are going through... I guess the point I'm trying to get across is... talk about it, actually talk about it, tell her its bothering you! I hope I helped and I hope things work out :)
Thank you sarabeary for the input. I will keep in mind to try something different to spice it up a little next time she is willing to have sex.

Lack of sex is normally a symptom, not a problem, find out what the main problems are and work on those areas with her, if you value your relationship and want to keep it.

Lack of sex is normally a symptom, not a problem, find out what the main problems are and work on those areas with her, if you value your relationship and want to keep it.

Very true. I do not see the lack of sex as the problem though, it is in fact the reason for it, like you said.

You don't see the lack of sex as a problem? Your words, "After a while I got more sexual confidence and tried different angles and positions and improved a lot, she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it and doesn't try it on top anymore, even though I thought it was very sexy. When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. she doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. "

I don't think you are being honest with yourself. There's no crime in loving someone but leaving a relationship because an aspect of it cannot or will not be changed and that aspect makes you unhappy.

You don't see the lack of sex as a problem? Your words, "After a while I got more sexual confidence and tried different angles and positions and improved a lot, she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it and doesn't try it on top anymore, even though I thought it was very sexy. When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. she doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. "

I don't think you are being honest with yourself. There's no crime in loving someone but leaving a relationship because an aspect of it cannot or will not be changed and that aspect makes you unhappy.

Actually, if you read on a bit more: 'She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset. I don't demand sex and I could live with the frequency, I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too.' it's not the lack of sex, it's the reasoning behind the lack of sex. I just want to feel wanted and she has been distant in that respect.

She has other things on her mind, or otherwise distracted at this time so suck it up, and enjoy other aspects of your life. If you are that needy and insecure you cannot put yourself to productive adult endeavors to get through this down cycle in sex, then you lack the maturity for a healthy long term relationship because trust me in reality there will be many times for various reasons she will not be able to service your needs, either injury, illness, work, pregnancy, or other things that pop up.

This is where you develop your own coping skills and alternatives that work to keep the relationship healthy. This isn't about sex, or what she thinks of it. Its about your lack of coping skills, and your attitude that's quite selfish considering the lack of understanding of her situation which seems to be tied to her school work load.

Instead of understanding and supporting her through it, you get selfish and upset and feel left out, or ignored. And drop the double talk as if you can deal with the frequency of sex, but not the reason (being engrossed at school), you won't help the bond by making yourself the priority and not her very temporary activity.

Unless you think her activities for school should decrease so she can service you and keep your ego stroked. Threatening to walk ain't going to help your sex life either, and your making it a chore like doing dishes.

Can't wait until the babies come and you not only go without, unless you service yourself, but the competition that you will have for any attention from her. But she will be used to dealing with needy kids because you are acting like a big baby, and blaming her for your own lack of healthy maturity. Mostly its your unwillingness to deal with yourself in an honest way.


'She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset

Still laughing over that one and sorry if I seem harsh but there is no gain taking your frustration out on your body parts. You need a much better strategy that brings a lot more pleasure, and relief. One day you will look back and wished you handled yourself and your issues better so why not start thinking that way NOW.

Good Luck.

If every one of us locked ourselves in the bedroom and "jacked off" every time we got frustrated by our partner we would have one very large hand and no free time.

A little immature?

She has other things on her mind, or otherwise distracted at this time so suck it up, and enjoy other aspects of your life. If you are that needy and insecure you cannot put yourself to productive adult endeavors to get thru this down cycle in sex, then you lack the maturity for a healthy long term relationship because trust me in reality there will be many times for various reasons she will not be able to service your needs, either injury, illness, work, pregnancy, or other things that pop up.

This is where you develop your own coping skills and alternatives that work to keep the relationship healthy. This isn't about sex, or what she thinks of it. Its about your lack of coping skills, and your attitude that's quite selfish considering the lack of understanding of her situation which seems to be tied to her school work load.

Instead of understanding and supporting her thru it, you get selfish and upset and feel left out, or ignored. And drop the double talk as if you can deal with the frequency of sex, but not the reason (being engrossed at school), you won't help the bond by making yourself the priority and not her very temporary activity.

Unless you think her activities for school should decrease so she can service you and keep your ego stroked. Threatening to walk ain't gonna help your sex life either, and your making it a chore like doing dishes.

Can't wait until the babies come and you not only go without, unless you service yourself, but the competition that you will have for any attention from her. but she will be used to dealing with needy kids because you are acting like a big baby, and blaming her for your own lack of healthy maturity. Mostly its your unwillingness to deal with yourself in an honest way.



Still laughing over that one and sorry if I seem harsh but their is no gain taking your frustration out on your body parts. You need a much better strategy that brings a lot more pleasure, and relief. One day you will look back and wished you handled yourself and your issues better so why not start thinking that way NOW.

Good Luck.

You know what? I think you're right. I just hadn't noticed how selfish and immature I am being, I think it's time I changed my attitude. Thank you very much for making me realize this. I think you may have changed me for the better in all aspects of life. Much appreciated Talaniman!

Changing your attitude is the only thing you can control, being good to your female during difficult times is a sign of love.

Changing your attitude is the only thing you can control, being good to your female during difficult times is a sign of love.

You are right, and I do love her ever so much, I think I can get her through this difficult time :)

I have heard about this 'game tactic' and was wondering whether it would work. I am tired of wanting to have sex with my partner only to be turned down by 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache' excuses too often. If I did the same, and disciplined myself to stick to it even if she came on to me for sex that same night even if I were really horny, would I get the upper-hand? I am not submissive in the relationship and I think that I 'lead' the relationship, It doesn't feel right to me that she gains some power over me when it comes to sex, why can I only get it when it feels right for her and it doesn't matter the other way round you know? I feel very Emasculated when I get rejected. Also, would any women like to shed some light on whether this tactic would work on them and guys, has this worked for you?

I have heard about this 'game tactic' and was wondering whether it would work. I am tired of wanting to have sex with my partner only to be turned down by 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache' excuses too often. If I did the same, and disciplined myself to stick to it even if she came on to me for sex that same night even if I were really horny, would I get the upper-hand? I am not submissive in the relationship and I think that I 'lead' the relationship, It doesn't feel right to me that she gains some power over me when it comes to sex, why can I only get it when it feels right for her and it doesn't matter the other way round you know? I feel very Emasculated when I get rejected. Also, would any women like to shed some light on whether this tactic would work on them and guys, has this worked for you?

I guess changing your attitude didn't last very long.

Stop playing games and talk with your girlfriend. Listen to each other and try to work together instead of against each other.

Both of you should try to be understanding. There will be times when one person's needs are more pressing than the other person's. You either give support and wait for things to become more even again or you decide you can't handle the low points and you walk. But you do not play manipulative games to get your way.

I see your point but how is it not manipulative when she does it? I had changed my attitude and I was very understanding until tonight when I realized she enjoys feeling powerful over me and teases me. We went to bed and we cuddled and I got very aroused with her and I kissed her and caressed her lovingly and she said she was tired. I would normally keep trying anyway, but as I changed my attitude and was being understanding I rolled over and said 'yeah you're right' and I said it's late and 'goodnight'. After only a minute of accepting sex wasn't going to happen she climbed on top of me and was caressing my skin and kissing my lower abdomen and stomach and got me aroused again and then she suddenly climbed off and laid down and said 'I'm tired' and progressed to go to sleep. It seems that she enjoys arousing me and rejecting me like she gains power over me. After viewing some blogs about denying sex to partners tonight out of curiosity, I have found that it is a tactic to 'get the upper hand'. That is why I posted this question, does it work if you turn the situation round from being a victim?

This is the link I found tonight out of curiosity, I was wondering if this actually works? I would not use this out of spitefulness, but do you think it could make things worse?

Denying Women Sex Is Psychologically Lethal | Chateau Heartiste (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/denying-women-sex-is-psychologically-lethal/)

Well, as has been said, your change of attitude and heart didn't last very long.

Apparently your girlfriend is the dominant person in your relationship - and you allow that to happen.

I think relationships are a bad place to be playing games. If she can't trust you to say what you really think in bed, where can she trust you?

Well, as has been said, your change of attitude and heart didn't last very long.

Apparently your girlfriend is the dominant person in your relationship - and you allow that to happen.

I think relationships are a bad place to be playing games. If she can't trust you to say what you really think in bed, where can she trust you?

Yes I agree it is bad to be playing games in a relationship. Do you think that she is playing games with me? Would I be just as bad as her if I retaliate it? Even if it would allow me to take the dominant role? If I bring this up in conversation and she is playing games with me she will know that it bothers me and she would feel empowered over me. Do I play along with her games or should I just ignore it and never let her know when I want sex and so she would have to come to me for it first? I'm so confused. I am dominant in every other aspect of the relationship and I have only just realized that she is using sex against me! All this time I thought that there was something wrong because of the lack of sex, and then I learned to just live with it, but now I'm aware it's a power struggle thing I can't just let her use sex as a weapon when it should be for love. I would never use sex as a way of controlling her or making her feel bad like she is doing with me, I feel like she is tainting the beauty of sex. Any advice?

Yes I agree it is bad to be playing games in a relationship. Do you think that she is playing games with me? Would I be just as bad as her if I retaliate it? Even if it would allow me to take the dominant role? If I bring this up in conversation and she is playing games with me she will know that it bothers me and she would feel empowered over me. Do I play along with her games or should I just ignore it and never let her know when I want sex and so she would have to come to me for it first? I'm so confused. I am dominant in every other aspect of the relationship and I have only just realized that she is using sex against me! All this time I thought that there was something wrong because of the lack of sex, and then I learned to just live with it, but now I'm aware it's a power struggle thing I can't just let her use sex as a weapon when it should be for love. I would never use sex as a way of controlling her or making her feel bad like she is doing with me, I feel like she is tainting the beauty of sex. Any advice?

So, you think you should control everything in the relationship? What you have said is that you are the dominant person and she should be submissive to you because it isn't fair if she doesn't stay in her place. It taints the beauty of sex because you aren't the one making the decision. Is that really how you want to come across?

How about you treat her like an equal in all aspects of the relationship and expect her to do the same. Communicate with her. Work together.

I have a feeling that she is playing a game because you don't listen. Has she tried talking to you?

Cat said it better than I probably can - why does one of you have to be dominant in all aspects of your relatonship?

"She did it to me and so I'm going to do it to her" makes her look bad but makes you look worse.

I think if you both spent the time you are spending plotting to get even with one another on building the relationship you would both be a lot happier.

And if you don't want to be controlled and can't resolve your differences, get out!

No, you've both got it wrong. I don't want to control her. She gets me aroused ON PURPOSE, waits for me to make a move and then says she is tired and makes me feel rejected. The other day I got rejected and she sensed that for once I didn't care and I was just going to sleep and THEN she was all over me wanting sex. It seems that she likes me to feel rejected. I don't want to do this to her at all. I have learned to accept that I can't have sex when she doesn't want it and I would feel okay to go without it on the occasions when she is not up for it. But she knows that I would like to have sex more often and she acts all sexy, kisses me all over and plays with my penis till I'm hard and wanting it (I would be okay if she then got me to climax) and then she yawns and goes to sleep. It is just this horrible on-purpose torture that bothers me.

Why do you put up with her behavior? Why you are still in the relationship would be a bigger question in my mind than why she behaves in this way.

Is she the only female in town?

I think you like her treating you like a toy so you can pout over it. You don't seem to have the guts to get up leave and don't look back if indeed you think she is full of crap.

Don't cry about someone being unfair to you and you not doing something about it.

Why are you still with her? I think one of you ought to move out and see if your friendship is strong enough to have a normal dating relationship. I think you were each other's first and she is bored but is not mature enough to say she wants out and you are so hung up on her you will take her treating you like she really does not want to be with you.
Break up and be done with it.

no, you've both got it wrong. I don't want to control her. She gets me aroused ON PURPOSE, waits for me to make a move and then says she is tired and makes me feel rejected. The other day I got rejected and she sensed that for once I didn't care and I was just going to sleep and THEN she was all over me wanting sex. It seems that she likes me to feel rejected. I don't want to do this to her at all. I have learned to accept that I can't have sex when she doesn't want it and I would feel okay to go without it on the occasions when she is not up for it. But she knows that I would like to have sex more often and she acts all sexy, kisses me all over and plays with my penis till I'm hard and wanting it (I would be okay if she then got me to climax) and then she yawns and goes to sleep. It is just this horrible on-purpose torture that bothers me.

You missed my point. You are so focused on sex that you don't want to think about the rest of the relationship.

You say that you are the dominant person in the rest of the relationship. This is the only part where she plays dominance games, or is it?

You still do not seem to have given any thought to talking with her.

It all comes down to either talking to her and working out the issues, enjoy the games, or get out.

Venting might help, but if all you are doing is complaining to us instead of talking with her, you aren't going to get anything solved.

If you had not already taken a stand on Psychiatrists, which may or may not include all mental health professionals, I would suggest that you consult with one. There is some reason you stay with your girlfriend. Maybe you like being dominated in the bedroom. Maybe it's something else.

I think you should find out what the problem is and then do something about it.

He said earlier that she will not talk about it so he lets it go. I don't think either of them want to admit that their first (sexual) relationship has gone or will go unless they do talk.

The strange thing is, the relationship is 'perfect' otherwise. We are each others best friend and we are both very happy. She says that she would like to get married one day and have kids etc, and I feel the same way. I have had a few girlfriends in the past and they were nothing compared to the happiness I get being with her, but of course I was a lot younger back then and I was never in a sexual relationship like I am now. We love each other unconditionally and we can talk about anything (except for this). I really think that she is happy with me and I don't see why I would give up on an otherwise perfect relationship. We really do need to talk I know, and I want to, but the situation is as Homegirl 50 said, she just won't talk about it and it's frustrating. I'm going to act that sex is less of a priority to me and go a while without bringing it up/coming onto her for a while and see what happens, maybe she believes that I'm sex-mad? (I do really enjoy it).

You should not have to pretend anything just because she does not want to talk about it. You two could be best friends but that does not mean you are compatible as a couple. A reasonable amount of sex is important to you and it does not seem to be important to her. The fact that she won't even talk about it and plays with you sexually is problematic.
The relationship is not perfect and wonderful because you two have this problem and until she wants to discuss it like two adults in a relationship, it's going to remain a problem.

OR... I'm just not very good at it. I do have the ability to get her to climax, but this is only occasionally even with G spot stimulation with my hands, she gets 'almost' there right on the edge of climax until my forearm is in unbearable pain and I have to admit defeat. She never masturbated and still does not do so and maybe the lack of practice herself could be the reason why. I believe that if it isn't because of my performance maybe it's that she doesn't know how to relax and enjoy it, I don't know.

Maybe she is just not as sexual as you, maybe she is not turned on by you, but you won't know if she will not discuss it with you. This is what mature couples do, they discuss the concerns of each other and try to work through them. She should not have to pretend and be different for you and you should not have to do it for her.
I say you two live in your own space and just be friends, see how that goes. I certainly could it be married to someone or live with someone who refuses to talk about a problem we're having.

That's what happens when you get a good girl and expect her to be a slut in the bedroom. Go sleep on the couch and whack off if you are so frustrated and cannot talk to your partner.

11102568, I think it's all been said - more than once, in fact - but you need to read what you've posted with clear eyes, the eyes of a stranger. At best your girlfriend has been ambivalent toward you from the very beginning. Sex is a problem. Sex isn't a problem. You critique her sexual performance - she either isn't good at or doesn't like being "on top." I think you are being very unrealistic about your happiness in this relationship. I don't know if you are having problems letting go because it's your first sexual experience or if it's something else.

You need to take a look at what you've posted (sorry, I'm an investigator, that's what I do): "“I met her and instantly fell in love with her... I was always the one chasing her and asking if she wanted to meet up for this and that. She NEVER ended an evening of hanging out saying that she would like to see me the next day... She was very shy and quiet however and was more of a listener and would very rarely open up to me... I broke down in front of her and said that I loved her, this clearly scared her and she obviously didn't feel the same for me after such little time and she went back to her accommodation... This made me very upset and my girlfriend got very angry with them and decided to stay with me over them... to avoid contact with her old friends she would sneak out late at night to have a shower at her old place without being seen... she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it... She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret... I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too... I am starting to wonder whether she is attracted to me, I asked her and she says that she is, just I am too 'comfortable'... I am just unsure if this is the person I could marry in the futureI am completely happy... I find her very attractive on top and I like her performance quite a lot... she just doesn't feel confident and doesn't like the position very much... All relationships are bound to loose spark as the individuals get comfortable around each other and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with the relationship or a lack of love.. I get the impression that she has the signs that she is getting bored or losing interest... I never said she was bored... Giving up is the easy thing to do and I would not have needed to post about it if I was going to do that... I do not see the lack of sex as the problem though”

This is not a solid relationship. I think neither of you want to be the first to say enough. I don't think she is happy with you and you are willing to settle with her. It's time to walk away .

@judyKayTee, I understand what you are saying but sex was never the problem for me, everyone here seems to think that I only care about having sex more often. I failed to get my point across. It was the frequency that I was worried about, not that I would like it more often (more often would be a bonus though) but rather that I thought it was a bad sign in the relationship. And I was never the one to tell her that she was bad on top, I like her on top, but she was feeling insecure about it and that she felt like she was bad at it and preferred me on top, I tried to encourage her that she was very good at it and that it turned me on. Thank you for being an investigator and taking the time to read though.

@Talaniman, She is a very nice girl and I do not find slutty Megan Fox type girls attractive, I find them dirty in a bad way. I do not expect her to act like one at all. And like I have just cleared up, I am only worried about the frequency, like there is a negative reason in the relationship for the lack of it (more sex wouldn't be bad however).

@Homegirl 50, She seems to be very in love with me, we hug and kiss many times a day and she tells me that she loves me even without me saying it first to her and she really is willing to settle too I know this for sure.

It doesn't feel right to me that she gains some power over me when it comes to sex, why can I only get it when it feels right for her and it doesn't matter the other way round you know? I feel very Emasculated when I get rejected. Also, would any women like to shed some light on whether this tactic would work on them and guys, has this worked for you?

When you ask these kinds of questions then what are we supposed to think? How would YOU answer a question like this?

Go sleep on the couch and whack off is my answer, and let your tired female sleep in peace.

I will repeat this again. If you two are not going to sit down and talk about this problem you are not going to make it. If you have a concern, she ought to be willing to discuss it, the fact that she refuses to is problematic. I think the problem is not just about sex. She is either mean or dense if she does not think rubbing all over you then turning away is wrong. Maybe she likes the idea of having a boyfriend of living with you and a chance of a future, but this relationship does not sound right. You two need to have your own place and maybe connect on the weekends or something. If she is a healthy young lady and you two are in love, something is wrong if you are begging for sex. You need to talk about this to her, not to us. We have already told you what you need to do.

I will repeat this again. If you two are not going to sit down and talk about this problem you are not going to make it. If you have a concern, she ought to be willing to discuss it, the fact that she refuses to is problematic. I think the problem is not just about sex. She is either mean or dense if she does not think rubbing all over you then turning away is wrong. Maybe she likes the idea of having a boyfriend of living with you and a chance of a future, but this relationship does not sound right. You two need to have your own place and maybe connect on the weekends or something. If she is a healthy young lady and you two are in love, something is wrong if you are begging for sex. You need to talk about this to her, not to us. We have already told you what you need to do.

You are right, I guess you guys cannot know what the problem is and cannot answer it for us. I need to talk to her, I'm going to ask her once and for all, she needs to know that I am seriously expecting an answer...

Well don't come at her demanding anything. You tell her this is important and you two need to talk about this. If she does not care enough to discuss something that is important to the relationship, you two need to rethink the relationship.
There are times when she may not feel like sex and you should respect that, but if this is an ongoing thing, if you two are not compatible sexually, that is going to be a big problem. If she thinks it's OK to tease you sexually and then turn you away, she has a problem.
I think your relationship has just come to a stand still. It's not anybody's fault, it's just the way it is. It's time to move on or at least talk about it.

I think a large part of the problem is your attitude - it seems to be about winning or losing, controlling or not controlling. You "seriously EXPECT an answer?" Unless she's 3 years old, I think you're out of line.

I think a large part of the problem is your attitude - it seems to be about winning or losing, controlling or not controlling. You "seriously EXPECT an answer?" Unless she's 3 years old, I think you're out of line.

I meant that normally she doesn't take me seriously when I bring things up, she needs to know that I am being serious and I do expect her to answer instead of making excuses not to answer. I cannot make her answer but she needs to know that not talking about it does not help the situation.

Go sleep on the couch. Why do you keep dismissing the most obvious method of showing how serious you say you are? No, you rather confront and argue and force her to give in.

Remove yourself from the situation and see what happens. Whacking off is optional.

You both will learn to communicate, or live apart. Actions speaker louder than words sometimes, and why fight about it, or argue? Forcing a female to service you is NOT love and maybe better ways to deal with your lack of bedroom attention is what you need.

Hell if you want her to lay there and endure for 10 minutes, just say so.

I think her lack of not wanting to talk about it is really the issue, not so much his wanting it.

I say you two live in separate places, take a break form each other,

I meant that normally she doesn't take me seriously when I bring things up, she needs to know that I am being serious and I do expect her to answer instead of making excuses not to answer. I cannot make her answer but she needs to know that not talking about it does not help the situation.


When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. She doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset. I don't demand sex and I could live with the frequency, I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too. I have talked to her about it multiple times and she says that she has been very stressed and tired lately.

Now you are saying she doesn't take you seriously when you try to talk to her. You don't listen. In your first post, you talked and she said she is tired and stressed. In a later post, you talked to her again and she told you why she is tired and stressed.

What more can she do or say to tell you to back off on wanting sex every week and not to expect her to satisfy all of your needs?

Can you go two weeks without getting her to have some type of sexual contact? She has been pleasing you and dealing with everything else for quite a while now. When does she get to take care of her needs? When does she meet up with her friends to unwind and re-energize? Is the roommate doing his part now or that still part of her stress?

This is very classic pressure to have sexual contact has turned into a libido killer.

You can try talking to her again but until you listen and pay attention to what she says instead of putting your own thoughts and meanings to her actions, You aren't going to get anywhere. If she has given up trying to talk with you, it is going to take some time for her to feel comfortable trying to say anything about how she feels. I would ask her about the teasing. It is a recent development and may be a way to open the door to other subjects.

I not only see this as a libido killer - it's a relatioship killer.

Posted by talaniman; Go sleep on the couch. Why do you keep dismissing the most obvious method of showing how serious you say you are? No, you rather confront and argue and force her to give in.

Remove yourself from the situation and see what happens. Whacking off is optional.

You both will learn to communicate, or live apart. Actions speaker louder than words sometimes, and why fight about it, or argue? Forcing a female to service you is NOT love and maybe better ways to deal with your lack of bedroom attention is what you need.

Hell if you want her to lay there and endure for 10 minutes, just say so.

None of you are listening, I said that I have learned to deal with the lack of sex now, I just get on with it. My original post was cleared as I realized that it was my attitude problem. This new post was merged with the last one, so I understand why you people are misunderstanding this new post. I don't know who merged it. This new question was about the fact that once I didn't care for sex as much she was all over ME (not the other way round) and only once all of her playfulness turned me on (even though my mind didn't want it as I was going to sleep) I tried engaging in sex with her as she seemed to want it and then she said she was tired again. It seems that she likes me to want her and pester her for sex and rejecting me. Why would she do this when I clearly am not interested, she obviously doesn't want sex either if she says she's tired? It's like she does it for controlling me or gaining the upper hand or some sort of power thing which I feel is wrong. Should I play along with it or wait it out until she does this again and just stick to going to sleep like my original plans? If I am not in the mood only to be played with until aroused and then rejected seems a little evil to me.

"You people"?

Your threads were merged because one provides history for the other. You cannot reinvent yourself on AMHD.

It's all been said - you are playing, "I'm in charge, no, I'm in charge" in the bedroom, possibly in all other aspects of your life.

You've been going to let her know you're serious for how many days? If you played the "I'm serious and so you'd better ..." card with her and she still keeps on keeping on, why are you there?

What are you not understanding about what's been said to you?

My thinking - first girlfriend, first sex, hard to let go and start all over again.

Not listening?? Do you listen to yourself? Rejection can be frustrating, and its worse when you think you have been played with. But you keep going along when you get aroused and rejected instead of going to sleep on the couch.

Your whole attitude makes YOU your own worst enemy. Stop whining about being played and frustrated and take your time and learn how to deal with it, or what's the point?

"You people"?

Your threads were merged because one provides history for the other. You cannot reinvent yourself on AMHD.

It's all been said - you are playing, "I'm in charge, no, I'm in charge" in the bedroom, possibly in all other aspects of your life.

You've been going to let her know you're serious for how many days? If you played the "I'm serious and so you'd better ..." card with her and she still keeps on keeping on, why are you there?

What are you not understanding about what's been said to you?

My thinking - first girlfriend, first sex, hard to let go and start all over again.

I never said 'you people' that is a very derogatory term. I've decided to just not have sex ever until she wants it. I think she does have a problem with me being in charge in the bedroom and I have a problem with her being that way too. Why should I let go when she loves me and I love her?


Not listening??? Do you listen to yourself? Rejection can be frustrating, and its worse when you think you have been played with. But you keep going along when you get aroused and rejected instead of going to sleep on the couch.

Your whole attitude makes YOU your own worst enemy. Stop whining about being played and frustrated and take your time and learn how to deal with it, or what's the point?

Okay, so I should just stick to my original plan of sleeping, note taken. I'm not going to sleep on the couch though, that would seem that I am falling out with her when I am not, I will just go to sleep.

"You people"?



My thinking - first girlfriend, first sex, hard to let go and start all over again.

This is it in a nutshell IMO. Neither of them want to let go.

Someone is hacking your account: " ... so I understand why you people ..."

I never said 'you people' that is a very derogatory term. I've decided to just not have sex ever until she wants it. I think she does have a problem with me being in charge in the bedroom and I have a problem with her being that way too. Why should I let go when she loves me and I love her?

Just for clarification since I know sometimes a phrase pops up that you didn't intend. You did say 'you people':


This new post was merged with the last one, so I understand why you people are misunderstanding this new post.

This whole thread is about you getting what you want whether it is sex or to be the dominant person in all aspects of the relationship.

Love isn't always enough if partners can't communicate. Communication is a two-way process. You have to be open to listening to her side as much as you want her to listen to you. I think you keep asking but when you don't hear the words you want, you say it is her fault. She doesn't want to talk, she gives excuses for not wanting to talk, she doesn't take me seriously, etc.

Look at how you respond to us. We try to give you advice, but it takes dozens of posts to get you to understand you need to back off. You come back with a story about her teasing you. We tell you to talk to her. But you keep going on about whether to play games.

I do not know if she is teasing or if you are being overly sensitive to her cuddling and showing affection. The only way to understand what is going on is to talk with her. But you have said you don't want to ask her about it because then she will know it bothers you. How do you work on any issues if you are afraid she will see you as being 'weak'?

Do you see her as being weak or less than an equal with you?

Just for clarification since I know sometimes a phrase pops up that you didn't intend. You did say 'you people':



This whole thread is about you getting what you want whether it is sex or to be the dominant person in all aspects of the relationship.

Love isn't always enough if partners can't communicate. Communication is a two-way process. You have to be open to listening to her side as much as you want her to listen to you. I think you keep asking but when you don't hear the words you want, you say it is her fault. She doesn't want to talk, she gives excuses for not wanting to talk, she doesn't take me seriously, etc.

Look at how you respond to us. We try to give you advice, but it takes dozens of posts to get you to understand you need to back off. You come back with a story about her teasing you. We tell you to talk to her. But you keep going on about whether or not to play games.

I do not know if she is teasing or if you are being overly sensitive to her cuddling and showing affection. The only way to understand what is going on is to talk with her. But you have said you don't want to ask her about it because then she will know it bothers you. How do you work on any issues if you are afraid she will see you as being 'weak'?

Do you see her as being weak or less than an equal with you?

Looks like I did say 'you people' then, it wasn't intended to offend anyone :s. She IS teasing me, and I understand that we need to talk, It's not just about want anymore. I have backed off about sex, I realized how childish and selfish and needy I was being and I have since chilled. But I have now noticed that there is this weird oppressive thing going on. I am fine with going without sex for a while, but reminding me that I can't have it even when I don't want it is a little dominant in the aggressive kind. I would be fine taking a step back in the bedroom and letting her be dominant every now and then, but not in this negative/aggressive way, I am an equal to her, so I believe. But she doesn't seem to be treating me that way. I feel that she has probably lost respect for me and the only way to get it back would be for me to assert myself and to not put up with her attitude. Before I do something as drastic as that I need to try talking to her again, and I am obviously failing at this part so I am going to need a bit of help.How would I approach the subject to her without starting an argument?

How about "I need to talk to you about something?"

Or here's a better idea - print out this thread and hand it to her. I think "we've" had this conversation for about 70 posts now and it's gone nowhere.

Oh stop worrying about it your lack of understanding of your female will drive her away soon any way. All your posts come back to what she should be doing for you and sounds like a petulant child whining about a cookie he can't have, and ready to throw a hissy fit.

You seem to be too selfish to see it. I am willing to bet you have missed everything she has ever said to you and know nothing of her mind, and how it works. You are a LOUSY listener. Most selfish insecure people are.

Make love to her mind and the body will follow, or get a female who is basically easier for you to understand.

Oh stop worrying about it your lack of understanding of your female will drive her away soon any way. All your posts come back to what she should be doing for you and sounds like a petulant child whining about a cookie he can't have, and ready to throw a hissy fit.

You seem to be too selfish to see it. I am willing to bet you have missed everything she has ever said to you and know nothing of her mind, and how it works. You are a LOUSY listener. Most selfish insecure people are.

Make love to her mind and the body will follow, or get a female who is basically easier for you to understand.

I am sensing that you are hostile to me. I think you have not understood my character at all even though I would have thought that it would be easier to do so with a second-person perspective. I am not self-centered at all, in fact, I came to this forum so that me and my girlfriend could be happier together. I did not, as you still seem to believe come here to find a way to get more sex out of her because I am selfish. I have explained (if you read correctly) that I can deal with the frequency of sex and initially I was worried about WHY the sex had diminished. NOW however, there is a different problem in the bedroom also NON-RELATED to frequency of sex.

'All your posts come back to what she should be doing for you and sounds like a petulant child whining about a cookie he can't have, and ready to throw a hissy fit.'

Why would I post on here about what I should be doing for her? If I am correct, this forum is called askmehelpdesk. I cannot ask about what I am doing for her to you, as I already know that and you do not. I can only ask questions here for myself so your point is invalid. I am also very offended by this post. Your previous advice, however, has helped a has reassured me that I can deal with whatever the reason for the diminished sex (I should repeat that the frequency itself was never a problem to start with). I understand that it seems that I am not listening to your advice (and any ones) because the post is now over 70 now as others have clearly pointed out. This is actually 2 posts, someone just merged them together. My initial question is dealt with and is now old. I am listening to everyones' suggestions when they are reasonable and not 'print this out and let her read it' etc...

Why would I post on here about what I should be doing for her? If I am correct, this forum is called askmehelpdesk. I cannot ask about what I am doing for her to you, as I already know that and you do not. I can only ask questions here for myself so your point is invalid.

What you still seem to not understand is that everything in a relationship is interconnected.

When you only talk about what she does, you are only giving us half the problem and leaving out other clues that could point to a need for different advice. We are left trying to understand what is going on and running around in circles because you are focusing on one aspect.

You may have gotten past the frequency, but you are still focusing on the bed. You are still focusing on not wanting to be perceived as the less dominate person. You don't want to look weak or to feel like she is taking charge. It is all about you.

I asked if you see her as an equal. Instead of saying 'she is my equal or partner', your answer was "I am an equal to her..." That is how you see yourself, not her.

Your attitude in how you talk to her and the words you choose are as important as her responses. If you come across as expecting her to be subordinate to what you want, then she probably won't respond in a positive way. If you approach the discussion from a position of wanting to compromise and work with her, then she will probably open up more.

Being open to talking, listening, and compromise is not being weak or giving her the upper hand. It is being a partner.

As for starting the conversation, (when you are not in the bedroom or getting ready for bed) let her know you are curious about the teasing. Don't make it a confrontation. Just ask a very simple question.

On printing this out (or having it up) for her to read, it can be a way to start the conversation. It can also let her see how you feel without you having to say the words.

I really hope you can learn that inner strength is not being dominant all the time or being afraid of looking weak.

What you still seem to not understand is that everything in a relationship is interconnected.

When you only talk about what she does, you are only giving us half the problem and leaving out other clues that could point to a need for different advice. We are left trying to understand what is going on and running around in circles because you are focusing on one aspect.

You may have gotten past the frequency, but you are still focusing on the bed. You are still focusing on not wanting to be perceived as the less dominate person. You don't want to look weak or to feel like she is taking charge. It is all about you.

I asked if you see her as an equal. Instead of saying 'she is my equal or partner', your answer was "I am an equal to her..." That is how you see yourself, not her.

Your attitude in how you talk to her and the words you choose are as important as her responses. If you come across as expecting her to be subordinate to what you want, then she probably won't respond in a positive way. If you approach the discussion from a position of wanting to compromise and work with her, then she will probably open up more.

Being open to talking, listening, and compromise is not being weak or giving her the upper hand. It is being a partner.

As for starting the conversation, (when you are not in the bedroom or getting ready for bed) let her know you are curious about the teasing. Don't make it a confrontation. Just ask a very simple question.

On printing this out (or having it up) for her to read, it can be a way to start the conversation. It can also let her see how you feel without you having to say the words.

I really hope you can learn that inner strength is not being dominant all the time or being afraid of looking weak.

I am not afraid at looking weak at all and if I am perceived as weak by her then so be it. It only bothers me that she is looking at the relationship in a dominant/submissive way and is trying to dominate me (which I would be okay with, except the way she is doing it is just disrespectful. I can be dominant and respectful is my point) I refuse to back down to someone being disrespectful to me, especially as she would see it as a 'victory' over me, which is just morally wrong in my mind as it is purposefully oppressive. I do see what you mean about printing it out etc, but I think she would be offended, especially as I have been discussing her and the relationship for over a month to 'strangers' on the internet. And most people seem to be taking her side anyway which is what I expected, everyone is brainwashed nowadays by society and their upbringing to be sexist to guys. If she was on here with the same question I assure you the answers would be very different. I might add that I am the natural dominant one in the relationship (unintentionally/subconsciously) except for recently in the bedroom now she seems to be using these tactics on me.

I am also going to own up and say that I have cried in front of her once or twice, so I am definitely not bothered at all about looking weak.

Am I wrong to be worried about showing her this printed out? Should I approach her differently? Should I just blurt it out at a random moment to get this over with and try not to raise my voice too much? This has been on my mind far too long now and I think I might start causing more problems in the relationship due to my suppressed bad mood soon, I have never shouted at her before, but I feel that it is going to be inevitable if she keeps this up and I don't tell her in some way that this seriously bothers me and that I am progressively feeling bad towards her. You know what? I am feeling more confident about getting my point across as I write this now, I'm just going to go tell her everything. I don't care about the outcome right now, if she leaves, she leaves. I'm not living in this constant war with her one way or the other...

Your last response came up while I was writing this. I am still going to post it. I hope you remember to listen as well as speak. Good Luck.


And most people seem to be taking her side anyway which is what I expected, everyone is brainwashed nowadays by society and their upbringing to be sexist to guys. If she was on here with the same question I assure you the answers would be very different.

Yes, she would get different answers because she would be a different individual.

Male or female, you will still end up getting the same advice from me. Because you are the person on the other end of this discussion. It is you and your thoughts and attitude I am responding to, no one else.

If it seems like I am taking her side, it is because I see how you interact with us. If you are this stubborn in discussing things with her, I can see where a disconnect occurs. I don't think either of you are to blame or fully innocent in all of this. I do think both of you need to learn how to work together as equals. If you find yourself making most of the decisions, back up and give her a chance and the encouragement to make the next one. If you feel like she is manipulating you into making decisions, tell her you are leaving this one up to her. Or sit down and discuss the issue. There may be times when you are rushing in to fix a problem when all she wants is to work through her own thoughts by discussing it. This could lead to her not talking because she needed you to listen, not take action.

I think you are probably a great guy who is caught up in putting grains of sand under the microscope. Put the microscope away and enjoy the beach.

I think this first relationship for both of you is not working and neither of you want to let go. You may be more attached that she is but it's obviously no longer working for either of you.

LOL, you are a lousy listener, and a bit to defensive, but if you want things to be better, then you better learn the proper way to communicate with your female and get this impasse resolved.

It's no coincidence in my book if you have bedroom problems because that's a symptom of a greater problem in other areas of the relationship. Maybe that's the only place she has power or can get your attention. Hard to say, but you will never find the problem, or a solution without honest communications.

Okay, we had the talk. I was a lot sterner than normal and I think I scared her a little, instead of her just brushing it off and ignoring me she broke down crying almost instantly without me raising my voice at all. I think she could tell I was serious this time and wasn't taking me too seriously previously. She said that she hadn't really thought about how horrible she was being by deliberately arousing me from my sleep, pretending to be wanting sex and making me want it too and then going to sleep. She says that she wasn't thinking and is truly sorry and I believe her as she seemed so scared that we were breaking up and very upset. To make the situation a bit nicer, I smiled and asked her if I could act a bit better too and I listened to what she had to say (And yes, I am taking your listening advice). She said that it would be nice if I did a little more of the housework and I agreed that she does around 70% of it and was unfair, I just got used to her doing it. I took her out to the cinema to cheer her up and we had a great day. I think it went well.

"Okay, we had the talk. I was a lot sterner than normal and I think I scared her a little, instead of her just brushing it off and ignoring me she broke down crying almost instantly without me raising my voice at all."

You are one scary, controlling, abusive guy. You just managed to sum yourself and your relationship up in very few words.

I think that is pretty pitiful, you scared her into talking to you. Maybe she is staying with you out of fear as well. Maybe this is the reason she wants no sex with you too.

It was not my intention to scare her, she seemed scared of losing me is all. And I am not abusive or controlling at all. I believe and hope that if she truly didn't want to be with me she would leave and I am okay with that as I respect her. If I lose her, but she is happier without me then so be it.

"It was not my intention to scare her, she seemed scared of losing me is all. And I am not abusive or controlling at all. I believe and hope that if she truly didn't want to be with me she would leave and I am okay with that as I respect her. If I lose her, but she is happier without me then so be it."

These are words, "pretty" words meant to reassure you, reassure us, defuse the situation, make the relationship look better than it looks on paper. We don't know you - we only know you from your own description of your actions.

You are abusive. You understand fear and afraid, right? You appear to badger and badger and badger her - and then your response is that if she is unhappy she will leave.

I'd suggest fewer words and more action.

I saw you turn aggressive and abusive toward long-time, respected AMHD members after you admittedly diagnosed someone's mental illness on another thread. Perhaps you should take your own words to heart - "Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. " and seek professional intervention in your current relationship. You had a passive/aggressive response right from the beginning. You were so busy being p/a that your words don't even make sense: " I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it ..."

What? Who said you enjoy your sister's mental illness? If this is your "on line" personality I am guessing your "in person" personality is similar - and I think it's abusive.

Why are you trying so desperately to hold onto this relationship? There are 89 posts back and forth and nothing has been resolved. I see a lot of what you're going to do - and a lot of what you haven't done.

I think you have issues, and posting a gadzillion times and never reaching resolution is foolish and time wasting. You don't want opinions and advice. You want to be right.

'These are words, "pretty" words meant to reassure you, reassure us, defuse the situation, make the relationship look better than it looks on paper. We don't know you - we only know you from your own description of your actions.'

-No these are honest words

'You are abusive. You understand fear and afraid, right? You appear to badger and badger and badger her - and then your response is that if she is unhappy she will leave.'

No, I do not badger her at all. Have you not read my posts? I did not talk to her as she refused to listen, I took advice from members here TO talk to her.

'I saw you turn aggressive and abusive toward long-time, respected AMHD members after you admittedly diagnosed someone's mental illness on another thread. Perhaps you should take your own words to heart - "Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. " and seek professional intervention in your current relationship. You had a passive/aggressive response right from the beginning. You were so busy being p/a that your words don't even make sense: " I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it ..."'

-I did not turn aggressive, I was defensive. I know what I did was wrong and I admitted it and this is not related to this post so drop it.

'" I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it ..."

'What? Who said you enjoy your sister's mental illness? If this is your "on line" personality I am guessing your "in person" personality is similar - and I think it's abusive.'

-That was my whole point, it's called sarcasm.

'Why are you trying so desperately to hold onto this relationship? There are 89 posts back and forth and nothing has been resolved. I see a lot of what you're going to do - and a lot of what you haven't done.'

-If you had paid attention and read my last post, it seems my girlfriend wants to be in this relationship too. Also, again if you had paid attention. This is not 89 posts. I wrote another question and an admin joined them together. 2 separate questions. (I can't be bothered to go back and copy the newer one, but it was about her waking me up, arousing me and going to sleep)

'I think you have issues, and posting a gadzillion times and never reaching resolution is foolish and time wasting. You don't want opinions and advice. You want to be right.'

-we have a bright one here, why else would I be asking questions on askmehelpdesk? Because I have issues. I do not want to be right, I want to resolve my problems and I have done. The first was resolved by Talaniman, I changed my attitude in the bedroom and I have realised how selfish I was being and now I suppress my libido. The second was solved by Homegirl50, I talked to my girlfriend, I sat her down and explained that I wanted to resolve the issue by talking to each other like adults or I may move on. She knew I was serious and we talked, the problem is now resolved. It is apparent that it is you who wants to be right, you are the one adamant to argue when there is nothing to argue about. All my problems are resolved.

Question resolved

**this thread is now reopened**

If it's closed, why can I still post? Or did you "close" it yourself? Or something?

- And you don't think you have control issues? "I am dominant in every other aspect of the relationship." Dominant people dominate - get it?

And please, it's paid, not payd (or whatever you think it is).

Hahahaha I knew you would be back to try and argue some more and to comment on some typos, grow up and 'help' someone else.

You have received help you just don't like the advice. I think you do have control issues. I also think your girl wants to be away from you but just does not want to walk away from her first. The fact that you can bring her to tears like that speaks volumes. I have a child older than you, now tell me I need to grow up.
Judy Kay I is a professional and a mature woman and for you to address her in this manner shows it is you who needs to grow up.

You have received help you just don't like the advice. I think you do have control issues. I also think your girl wants to be away from you but just does not want to walk away from her first. The fact that you can bring her to tears like that speaks volumes. I have a child older than you, now tell me I need to grow up.
Judy Kay I is a professional and a mature woman and for you to address her in this manner shows it is you who needs to grow up.

You can think what you want. And I honestly couldn't care how old she is, she has not been helping me the slightest, she was just being offensive and insulting. And FYI, I did not bring her to tears, the situation that she started brought her to tears when she realized that it bothered me because she loves me. Like I said before, I would be very distraught if she left, but I respect her and if she would be happier without me then I am okay with that as I put her happiness first. How is that controlling? Everyone here is either stupid (yes this is me being insulting for the first time :O, get over it) or just wants to argue with me. And the definition of a professional is that you get paid for it, which I am sure she doesn't, and I wouldn't pay for her 'advice' anyhow. Her very first post on here in fact, was her insulting me about a post which was admittedly wrong of me in another thread, this is just immature and is certainly not the attitude of a professional yet alone a mature woman. I stick with my previous statement that she should grow up.

You need professional help - if I didn't think that when you diagnosing mental illnesses over the Internet, insulting long term and respected members and mentally/verbally a female who may or may not be your roommate/girlfriend I came to that conclusion when you posted in red that the thread was closed, pretending to be a moderator.

I believe you have issues, serious issues starting with your need to "jack off" behind your roommate/girlfriend's back because of the lack of sex (which you were unable to discuss).

Insult me all you wish. I consider the source and in this case your insults are a compliment. I'm not the one here posting about my problem relationship. You are.

For that matter - isn't impersonating a mod grounds to be suspended?

For that matter - isn't impersonating a mod grounds to be suspended?
As far as I know, and I am speaking as a moderator, he CAN close his own thread, but he didn't do it correctly or completely. That's why we are still posting on it -- it's still open.

You can't just post "this is closed" in red - and, poof, it's closed?

How about if I request that it be closed?

You can't just post "this is closed" in red - and, poof, it's closed?

How about if I request that it be closed?
I can close it. ;)