Where in NJ can I find a doctor or organization that specializes in Shunning - Ostracizing ? I'm in a crisis situation. Thank you .

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What are the effects of prolonged shunning on the victim ?

We here as a group can help you get started, but your question as written is too vague.
Shunning is a word usually used to describe a practice of the Amish, when a member of the community breaks the religious laws and refuses to change.
Please tell us what is happening with you.

Correct. Shunning was used by Amish. The Spartans also did to warriors who ran from a battle. Having no social,verbal, or acknowledgement in any manner, these shunned warriors committed suicide. For two yrs now my wife has been doing this to me and over that time my entire family has been converted to her methods, ignoring me, chastising me,
Discrediting me etc. I am losing my self-image. I am desensitized and am feeling useless. I am becoming invisible. The effects of this shunning system are insidious. My wife's Psychologist suggested this type punishment. Albertrg

Albert, you have to follow the thread you started and are receiving answers to. Don't start a new post.

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(Please use Answer instead of starting new posts.)

If your wife and her family are causing this kind of stress, then LEAVE her. In the US, no one is going to do anything about what she is doing to you, unless she is physically attacking you, in which case you call the police and get a restraining order against her.

Thank you. My computor skills are improving. After being thrown out of my house several years ago I received an invite to return to care for grandchildren forthcoming. My son and daughter-in-law were starting their new family. My now X wife began this avoidance of me because we were in the same house again. She looked elseware if we were in the same room! The others, my children(large home shared by 3 of my children until permanent housing is accomplished) and their wives have gravitated to the shunning methods out of survival I believe. We are,were, a close and dedicated to each other family. My children are all successful, living at home when attending college or preparing for careers. A daughter >personal info removed< received an award after a nation wide competition. Her success earned her a life situation I cannot calculate in value. This shunning and effects have allowed my wife to remove men from the deed. I cannot leave because I am so in love with my grandchildren. I care for them 24/7 for two and half yrs now. The first born has been diag. Autistic and needs all the care and security pop-pop can give. I KNOW I must leave! I understand how toxic this is for me! I'm so emotionally vested and committed to improving my grandson's chances for normalcy, leaving is not an option for me. I've tried! In 2 days I was a wreck. I cried at the turn of a page; a condition that has not left me.
I am raw and vulnerable. Who treats this "Shunning" method?Where can I go for help? I'm fading! I know this not a premier subject, but research indicates it is now on the radar and being addressed. ' human beings have an inert need to belong. To be connected. To be validated by thief close ones '. Remove these requierments, stop watering the rose, eliminate the need for us and we whither and disappear... Help!!

This is not "shunning". Its called the silent treatment. And any psychologist/psychiatrist should be able to treat this.

The problem is not yours but you need to know how to deal with it. You obviously have self-esteem issues if this affects you so badly.

I agree with Scott here. You have taken 'shunning' to another level and it isn't the one that explains what you are feeling.

You have to get away from the people you are involved with for the time being because I truly believe that you are in a crisis situation where you believe you are being ignored by just about everyone in your family (ignored, not shunned, where did you get that idea from?). You said in an early post that your wife's pyschologist told her to 'do this to you'. I find that hard to believe. Why would a professional person instigate this type of treatment?

(EDIT: Post #4 wife's psyschologist advised her to do this?? ) Why?

You need to sit down with a professional and work out this issue, away from the people you purport to be doing this. That is the only help you need.

From what I read, you have no sense of direction or purpose. Do you have a job? What is your profession?

Self esteem issues are always aggravated by thinking that someone is not paying attention to you, your opinions are worth nothing, and then what generally follows is one thinks that everyone is doing the same thing, when they are in fact not. If you were in a smaller group of your close family would you actually feel that this was occurring?

Hello Scott,Tickle et al,
Thank you for taking an interest. I am 67 yrs and counting. I must have a ballpark figure of your ages or something to grasp the depth or experience in your responses. You are on target. You seem to know the mechanics and methodology of silent treatments as opposed to shunning and ostrasation. 1) In a heated response to my question my wife, " why are you doing this?", she replied,"My therapist told me what to with you, ignore you. Don't acknowledge you, look the other way when your in the room...", there is more less specific comentary. I took her at her word. 2) I am reasonably intelligent. My formal education is fragmented at best. A state College, a University. Neither resulted in sheepskin but I began when I left high school worked, married and had 4 children. No grants. All out of pocket. My career in Casino was an education in itself. I was a super. Of games. I kept track of the money, chips and patron betting patterns while insuring the integrity of the 4 games( explaining rules, detecting card counters, past posters, cheating etc. ) and did the evaluations for 5 dealers(quarterly,yearly) and formulated career plans for them and saw to it they achieved their goals. Wonderful people, most. Hard working and eager to learn. The Business? Demanding to exhaustion, dangerous and unforgiving.
3) I knew from the beginning it would be a challenge. I am now and was back then In Love With Her!:) 40 yrs married, 5 years together prior. We were sun and shadow. We were one in oneanother. It was and still remains, a magic planet being with her( although it resembles "black magic" now. I believed I could handle that treatment. I knew she was purposely doing it. It would be akin to waching a movie and knowing the plot! I did nicely. Things changed so gradually. One by one each of my children began to display a crampy, sour, over-critical and intolerant attitude toward me. These children are very popular amongst their peers. They have pleasant, easy going personalities. They are exciting and interesting people. Compassionate, empathetic and gracious. Beautiful souls, reflecting exactly their

>personal info removed<

A ballpark figure of our ages, okay, I don't mind telling you I am over 70, Albert, well travelled, good job still passed retirement, so you can just about put your money on my experience with people.

Your wife appears to be a rather dominant figure in the family, and I can understand the children not wanting to cross her in any way. At least that is what I get out of your previous description. They would rather be led by the nose then form their own opinions of their father. That is so sad.

Why do you hit yourself over the head, time after time and join family gatherings only to be treated like this, without standing up for yourself. I suggest you grow a spine (to borrow a phrase from another member) and get out from under all of the crap they are heaping on your head. From your description, you are far better then this.

Your wife was probably told by her analyst to 'not pay attention to you' (or not pay attention to what you say to her) and she took it to the limit, misinterpreted his suggestion as pretending you were not there. I could not believe a professional suggesting shunning in the sense you mean.

I'm in the same general age bracket as well. Clearly your wife (and her therapist) knows how to push your buttons. So how do you deal with that? You show them the button is disconnected. I'm a bit uncomfortable with giving you specifics here, because I think you need to speak to a competent therapist to validate what I'm saying.

But what I would suggest is to say to your wife (and maybe put it in a letter if she won't listen to you directly) that you understand what she is trying to do and its not going to work. You are there for the children and she can ignore you all she wants, That doing so is her problem not yours. That you know you don't deserve her treatment so you will just let it pass over you. She is doing it to get a reaction from you, so the simple answer is to NOT give her the satisfaction of an reaction.

None of us knows exactly what her therapist said to her. Perhaps your wife ranted on and on about you for months and months and the therapist said 'Just ignore him,' which would be a typical response when someone dwells on another person instead of him or herself.

I am hoping that the children will be moving out of the house one by one, with their children of course, and perhaps you can move in with one of them, or rotate among all of them, or live nearby, since they will surely value you as a babysitter, and eventually value you again as a father and grandfather.

Does that sound possible, and could it be soon? Or since your ex now owns the house, is she encouraging them to stay there?

Normally a therapist does not really tell a person to do anything, they help guide a person to decide what they want to do.

Only the two of them understand, ** I will be honest I did not read previous posts, but why are you not going with her for family counseling to work on the relationship together.

A therapist can not help a couple if only one person is seeing them

Coming in a little late here.

It seems from what I've read so far, that you need them, more than they need you. Your self-esteem, identity, and emotional well being are all dependent upon the people you surround yourself with, and the circumstances you choose to live in.

I agree with Joy that for some reason, your wife went to a psychiatrist for reasons that included being unable to cope with you, and the psychiatrist likely said, to ignore you. Would it be a fair assessment (shot in the dark) to say that the adult children behave the same way, for the same reason?

If so, what would that reason be.

Perhaps this isn't about 'shunning' so much, as it is about something you are contributing to the household, that makes it this way? I am not saying you are entirely at fault for how things are for you, but I haven't read so far, what any reasons could possibly be for this huge rift between you, and your family.

You blame the children as being lead by their mother, in how you are treated. But, you portray yourself as a victim, and thus your suffering is a result of how you are treated, but I do not see any balance here.

What is really going on. You must have some idea how you have ended up in everybody's bad books. Knowing that might make it easier to offer help.

Knowing none of us are perfect, including you, can you offer any insight into your own behaviour?

Remove yourself from this situation and help your kids and grand kids from your own place. While you are operating on HER turf, then she will have the upper hand. Don't be used for this purpose no matter any good intentions.

Why should you go along with another's program that is so obviously detrimental to you?

No one can save you but yourself - if you are unhappy, leave, remove yourself. Your family will survive without you.

As a side note - I lived with my ex-husband during the divorce process. I would have been delighted to have him shun me.

On a totally other subject - too much personal info on the public Internet is dangerous, and that includes >OP's reference to personal info removed<.

I suspect OP should speak to a professional about this and other issues.

I have a little knowledge about autism and suspect that your crying and constant upset and the general atmosphere in the house are not doing that child any favors.

Excellent ! Something tangible to grasp. Of course I have issues. I recently was diagnosed ADHD. Intense questioning and self described behavior and feelings with the Doctor confirmed this. I did not buy it. I believed it was a cop-out for what could not be explained. My inability to focus, racing thoughts and lack of retention dates back to my earliest memories. To capsulize, to cope with how stupid I believed I was, hide my inability to learn and more, I invented ways to appear intelligent and knowledgeable. My wife never knew the real me nor did I. Iself medicated with alcohol to relieve my stress and try to forget that I knew she would someday realize I was a fraud, incapable and frightened. I know this made me impossible to live with because I was unavailable to her and always guessing how to function. This is only one of my shortcomings but the most damaging in any relationship. I was not abusive. We enjoyed each other in many ways. But my insecurity was obvious to her. I understand now how terrible I made her feel. Your questions are right on target. I saw many Doctors about my drinking and focus and behavior in those years. I've gone to rehabilitation facilities and made mild progress but I couldn't sustain the comitment or stay disciplined enough to adhere to the principles of recovery. I was then convinced I was morally bankrupt. You are right. There is good reason to consider devorce. But I didn't attempt to continue diologue with her after she left. I was so embarrassed. Humiliated. But after more than two years of this avoidance I felt even more down about myself and humiliated. Since my treatbegan I've been regaining control relearning behavior

Since my treatbegan I've been regaining control relearning behavior
Since autism can be inherited, it is possible you too, as grandfather, are somewhere on the autism spectrum? Often ADD, ADHD, and OCD are concomitant problems.

If you were an alcoholic you did abuse her - financially, emotionally, possibly mentally. I find it interesting that the "rest of the story" came out as you answered questions.

I do commend you on seeking and following treatment.

I also think you have great writing skills - AMHD actually has a writers blog site. I'll bet you could contribute something!

Wondergirl - who has many wonderous talents - is the "link" for that.

Hello again
A phone call interrupted my response and wiped out my answer to Uber member. Did you receive any of it's content. Recap: No physical abuse. No mind games. We were in love. We worked together at the same job. We rode in together every night. For many years. Each child of ours received schooling for Casino dealers and licensing
Was provide so eventually all of my children worked with us. All in one casino. We all shared driving in. We were cited by management for being a good example for families

.. So when did it all go wrong, and how, and why (besides drinking, which needs explaining itself, if it started late in life)?

Uber your responses have an understanding, as do the others in different aspects, that reveal either your own experiences or education in this field. Remember, I was self medicating staying low on the radar. We had a great marriage early on, our children were in karate( now Black Belts, teachers, till this day) my girls also were in Ballet ensamble dancing in shows in A.C. Theaters. My wife and I were always back stage. What magic times! Gymnastics studying under Russian gold metalist Ulga Korbit. They all fought full contact karaty in the Garden State games( winning the gold) written citations from then Gov. Kean. We lived and breathed one another. The devorce was my deserved consequence. I do not exonerate nor defend my actions that eroded our relationship in latter years. I suffer daily the memories I just shared. I am being helped now professionally, albeit too late. I care for 3 of my grandchildren getting 5 yr old to school daily. His breakfast clothes etc so his mother may focus on her career. My Autistic sweetheart I care for 24/7 in this house so his mom and dad can work. I take no money. I know this toxic for me. I don't break down in front of the children or family members. My private moments alone cover my emotional releases. My past has its predictable obvious disgusting and injurious effects on society, I know! But I was not a rolling drunk staggering and abusive. No wife beating or trouble at work. I hid that. I lived in fear of what is now treatable, to be found out by my family as being a non-achiever, confused and with out concentration and little retention. " Not the man she thought she married") there's more and varied infuences that go with this AD-whatever! I didn't bare all in this effort to find knowledgeable people in the field of Ostrasization. Or seek pity or rally support for a blame fest against my wife! When my sweet grandson can speak my name or recognize me as Pop Pop I'll leave this situation and help out as a satellite contributor. To do so now will relegate me to a lonely miserable existence. I accept responsibility and admit all this my fault. Now! This is for you all! Must I still be consistently and daily punished and abused while carring for my grandchildren( I was invited back to do this) ? I've made no effort to reconcile I have not attempted one word of diologue with my wife. Can someone of you tell me where I can find a qualified profession who can give an enlightened approach to deflect this silly but deadly effective system of " the silent treatment "? I'm exhausted. I need your help. Answer please. I end this communication, thank you and God bless you all Albert

I think in WG's reference of good stuff, maybe she can recommend an association of professionals able to deal with Albert's problems, who seems to have the same blog for every response we offer. I think this woman he is still married to has deep mental issues which she is unable to cope with on any level.

No, we are not 'professionals or even educated' in what you need.

We are not getting anywhere here, but running over the same road through five pages!

You must first lose the guilt and shame of being a victim of your own failure. The way I see it, you are trying to deal with your issues and being helpful despite those issues. That takes a great degree of courage and resolve in my book, and you haven't quit on yourself.

You really do need to see you are, and have been working through your issues quit productively and deserve much credit. You can stand on your own without validation from your (ex?) wife.

Forgive yourself for having flaws my friend, we all have them, your wife and kids included. Seen your therapist or doctor lately?

I think this is a blog and agree - same stuff, many posts later, still posting very specific info which could be damaging and identifying.

Not exactly sure what's going on here but... the past is just that. The past. I don't understand why it's so important when things are so "wrong" today. For such a grand and glorious life something went very bad very quickly. Or so it seems.

You could see any therapist for help with this problem but they can only help you change your own behavior and response. They can't change the behavior of the other people. You could likely move out but offer to continue taking care of the children during the day.