First of all if this is in bad form posting about my issues when others have posted about theirs tonight please let me know. This asking for help is hard and I am unsure if I am being selfish or that is my judgmental thoughts again.

I have been thinking of this all night at work and decided to post on here about this. This is tough and I can tell you that I told myself I would be honest no matter how bad it made me look and that I would post it as well. I was going to post this as a friend has this issue but was unsure if that was against the site rules.

My dad growing up believed in spanking as the only method of punishment. One day my brother and I decided to play with his wood working kit he got for a gift. We were not allowed to play with it without an adult... well he never got to use it as dad threw it out I believe after this. My brother snuck out of the house with it and went under a tree in the front yard. I snuck out a little bit after and made sure I shut the door quietly so no one heard me.

We got caught and were made to be nude from the waist down. We got smacked over and over because he wanted to know if we went out together or apart. I was too scared to tell the truth and lied , my brother told the truth. That is until it got to be too much for him and he lied and said the same thing I did.. . He got beat for that. Hard.. I know I was hurting because of my spanking and his was worse and longer.

I am feeling so much guilt and rightly so. If I had told the truth he would not have got beat. Years later I was talking to my dad and explaining how his method of discipline did not teach us anythign but to not get caught. He told me how do you feel now that your brother got beat for you.. well I feel like .

I want to apologize but the issue is my dad and mom are coming here for a visit in July. What if my brother has forgotten? I could ruin everyone's visit.. I want to wait until after but lately the guilt and remembering of the horrid thing I did is affecting me.

I should have owned up to what I did and not lied... what a terrible older sister I was/am. To be honest I don't like myself much at all now. Why is it bothering me so much now.. I have always remembered this event but lately the guilt has been weighing down on me...

I don't even know what skills to access to decrease my anxiety. This is one issue I can say it would be eaiser to deal with before DBT (my old coping ways).

Things; I am looking for: advice on when to apologize, how do I decrease my guilt feelings, how do I make myself less of a horrible person.

My first thought is, you two were children. I lay all the fault at your father's feet for unmercifully hitting both of you (although I grew up surrounded by a similar discipline mindset). My brother and I stole matches from the top shelf of the kitchen cabinet so we could have a little bonfire outside when we played with our plastic cowboys and horses. We never got caught, but you and your brother did, unfortunately. Don't all kids test the limits?

I can't tell you not to be anxious, but you do realize that that incident was only one which formed you into the wonderful person you are. The very fact that it still bothers you says you are loving and mindful of your brother's feelings.

Is it necessary to bring it up and talk about it? Will that make things worse, or will it help in some way?

I guess I am being selfish wanting to ease my guilt by apologizing to by brother. Maybe that is what I deserve to live with this guilt.
If I was so wonderful why did I not tell the truth so my brother would not have got hit so much?

I guess I am being selfish wanting to ease my guilt by apologizing to by brother. Maybe that is what I deserve to live with this guilt.
If I was so wonderful why did I not tell the truth so my brother would not have got hit so much?
How many years ago was that? If you said to him, "Remember that day when...?"

If your brother said he forgives you, will you be okay and be able to be at peace?

Was he spanked/beaten for other infractions?

Honestly I don't remember much of my childhood. I have blocked lots out. I was the peace maker in the family. I remember feeling bad if anyone was being picked on. Once dad and mom were fighting and we had to pick whose supper we would eat.. I picked dads just because no one else did and I hated it.
He probably was as there was no other punishment but spanking. We were not allowed to have our own thoughts, etc. Dad controlled everything (military household).
I am unsure if I will ever forgive myself. Then there is the fear he may say I will never forgive you either. I hate you. Or worse it may start issues in the family. What if I say something and then he gets angry at dad.. then feelings will get hurt... gahhhhhhh

I was around 11 and brother would have been 7.

He probably was as there was no other punishment but spanking. We were not allowed to have our own thoughts, etc. Dad controled everything (military household).
There. That's it in a nutshell. You don't owe your brother an apology -- your dad does, and owes you one too. Dividing the children is part of that system -- divide them so they don't trust each other. The one with the power retains the power.

Is there any other way for you to get past this without bringing it up? (Think about this. Others will weigh in. I have to go to bed, and you should too.)

I don't know WG.. this is one issue I will say that would have been easier to deal with the old way. I am not saying better but easier.
I do not see how it is not my fault if I had told the truth he would not have got beat.. plain and simple. You are right I need to go to bed. Will check in tomorrow thank you for posting.

You could ask your brother if he wants to talk about your dad. I used to talk to my older sister about our mother, who was mean. It made me feel better. During the general conversation you could ask him if he remembers that incident.
I don't see any reason why it is selfish of you to apologize to him even if it means refreshing his memory. I take it you both were punished a lot this way. I doubt that this one event stands out in his mind, only yours. You deserve to get this off your mind and I don't see any trauma to him at all.
I think all children lie when they do wrong, in varying degrees. I was the youngest so didn't get as much chance to, I think. I got a high school boyfriend in trouble with the cops by lying, when some girlfriends and I camped out on some private land and the guys were going to visit us but got stopped, and I told the cops we didn't invite them. Stupid lie done to cover my own rear.
What strikes me is that you wonder if it's bad form to post this! No, it isn't!

I just know others have had a rough day and feel bad for posting about me when they need support.
I think my brother got the worse trauma as he was beat harder and longer for lying when in fact it was me who lied I know why I lied I was terrified but still should not have someone else got hurt because of me
Think I will talk to him but wait until after July and my parents go back home to avoid conflict

Can I add?

My dad was merciless too. I look back and it was abuse. He had no patience for anything that you did that upset... none at all. He's watching TV, you're too loud, whack... so you get it that I was in a similar situation.

I am OK with him now as he is not the same person anymore but for a while, I was bitter about the whole thing and held onto it. Now though, I realize, he was disturbed. All of this was his fault. My mother left him and he was angry and bitter about that, mad at life, and he took it out on me. So I can see that now. I no longer think that any of that was my fault. I did for the longest time. I realized though that he was messed up... not me. I was just being a kid but was being punished for simply being a kid.

I'm fairly sure that if you talk to your brother, you will find that he doesn't blame you. I am fairly sure you will see that he knows where the blame belongs and holds nothing on you for it.

Does your brother still live with your dad? Maybe you could just call your brother and talk to him about when you two were younger and what you went through. You will probably see that both of you will wind up crying together about it and that he doesn't blame you. I went through this with one of my sisters when we talked about our childhood. Things cleared up and made more sense.

I am sorry you went through this as I have an idea of how bad it was and how much it affected you.

I am not blaming my dad at all Odinn. It was me who chose to lie. I think I will talk to brother though I will wait until July. Thank you all for not judging me on what I did.

It was me who chose to lie.
But you didn't do it maliciously, with a ha-ha attitude. You were probably scared, being only a little kid. And like someone else said, this was not the first and only time your brother was beaten. He possibly will not remember specific incidents. Be kind to yourself, mogrann!

I understand what you are saying WG I just don't see it that way. I must say even with the thoughts of coping with past ways I did not.. When I first came on this site there would have been no thought process I would have done the negative coping mechanisms.
Right now WG I am being as kind as I can be to myself. Thank you

I understand what you are saying WG I just don't see it that way. I must say even with the thoughts of coping with past ways I did not.. When I first came on this site there would have been no thought process I would have done the negative coping mechanisms.
Right now WG I am being as kind as I can be to myself. thank you
I think you are looking at this through adult eyes and not seeing it as a child's behavior and protective coping mechanism. You are unfairly holding Little Girl Mogrann to an adult standard. You are thinking you failed as a child (you did what any child would do), yet what excuse is there for your father who failed as an adult and as a parent?

I am not blaming my dad at all Odinn. It was me who chose to lie. I think I will talk to brother though I will wait until July. Thank you all for not judging me on what I did.

That is not the way it should be though. You were a kid. Your father was an adult and... your father. There was no reason for him to react like that.He should have known better. You were a kid and you were scared.

I fully agree with WG here and believe you are holding yourself as a kid to standards which an adult should be held to. You are taking blame where there really shouldn't be any.

I must state this first: I am listening to your advice but not getting it. I am not ignoring your advice and disrespecting you. I want you to know I am not that kind of poster.

I don't see the difference in what you are saying... a lie is a lie is a lie. What am I missing? To me if it is wrong it is wrong always. Sigh getting so frustrated at myself for being so stupid and not understanding.

I must state this first: I am listening to your advice but not getting it. I am not ignoring your advice and disrespecting you. I want you to know I am not that kind of poster.

I don't see the difference in what you are saying... a lie is a lie is a lie. What am I missing? To me if it is wrong it is wrong always. Sigh getting so frustrated at myself for being so stupid and not understanding.
WHY did you tell the lie?

Not sure why in the beginning but after the spanking started too scared to tell the truth. Stubbornness? Willful?

Not sure why in the beginning but after the spanking started too scared to tell the truth. Stubborness? Willful?
You were 11 years old. Your father was furious. He beat both of you. You were crying and shrieking and screaming in pain (inside your head if not aloud). "Scared" works for me.

Your brother lied too. Why?

Sigh getting so frustrated at myself for being so stupid and not understanding.

Don't feel stupid.

You probably lied because you were scared. I know it often happened to me when I was confronted by my father in a rage. I would panic inside and loose all common sense to just try to avoid what I knew was coming my way.

You are trying to intellectualize a very emotional response. What happened with you and your brother is why torture doesn't work on prisoners of war. Lies, not truth, result.

Okay.. I am seeing black and white thinking on my part. I am started thinking what I would say to someone else in the same spot.. Brain is saying you guys are right but then my damn feelings and things I was taught are fighting that. I don't know what to think... how about if I say you guys are right and I am wrong.. maybe I will believe it one day..
I asked for help and am not listening and that is making my anxiety over this worse. I need to lessen it seriously. Damn it I am not strong enough for this. Feel like a failure as I am fighting self injury thoughts... (I am not suicidal at all). So far so good for fighting them. I keep saying I will disappoint people but it is like I want to show people my hurt. That is odd as I don't show off my scars I hide them. If someone sees them they are cat scratches (sorry cats).
You guys on here is one group I will disappoint the other is the DBT people and of course hubby. I know I am being willful and selfish.

Okay here is my plan
I will trust you all on what you have told me. I will conteract my thoughts with experts have told me this. I think this is like looking in a mirror saying you are beautiful. Say it until you believe it.
I will use self soothe.
I will journal
I will call distress line or post here BEFORE self injuring
Maybe use the skill vacation. Take a break from this issue until I can get back to wise mind.

Any other suggestions please let me know. I must say this is the most I am comfortable saying about my thoughts and feelings. This feels foreign and uncomfortable. I share the bare min even with professionals. When I finally connect with Access Mental Health I think I may ask about therapy (one on one). Sounds like I am still messed up a lot...

Thank you all for your help... I will do this and become a better person living a life worth living

I will do this and become a better person living a life worth living
The very fact that you want to apologize to your brother for just being a child and reacting as a child says worlds about how far you have come. That shows empathy and love and caring about someone else's feeling and wellbeing.

Your plan is a good one. I am here and support you fully, as do your other friends here.