My boyfriend of one year has been telling me throughout our entire relationship that he doesn't watch porn and he knows I'm not okay with him watching it. I am 19 and he is almost 22. Today in the "notes" section on his phone I saw the name of a porn star. He admitted he has been watching porn about 2-3 times a week throughout our relationship, even though he had been telling me he hasn't. He has videos of us and pictures of me so why should he need to watch porn and lie? I know he loves me and he wants to live with me and marry me. I don't know how to react or what to feel.

"My boyfriend of one year has been telling me throughout our entire relationship that he doesn't watch porn and he knows I'm not okay with him watching it."

It is because you are not okay with it that he has been lying to you. He probably wanted to avoid an argument and didn't want to hurt your feelings. Since it is very unlikely either of you will change, the lie may have been the best way to maintain peace and happiness in your relationship.

"He has videos of us and pictures of me so why should he need to watch porn and lie?"

Because he is committed to you and values your relationship, he cannot physically cheat on you without losing something he wants. However, both men and women are programmed to want variety in their sexual partners. This is his way to feed that desire for multiple partners without destroying your relationship.

Don't you ever fantasize about other people? Maybe it doesn't seem to be as vivid as porn, but if you're still doing it, it's pretty much the same thing. At any rate, he will very likely not change and if you fight this, you will be fighting a losing battle.

He lies because you would not be open to accept him doing this. He is wrong about lying and should have been clear from the beginning that he does this. While not all men, many do watch porn, and it has nothing to do with you, or you being enough,

This is like TV, movies, or magazines, just a pretend escape.

Realistically, you need to determine if you can live with him using pornography because he won't stop unless he wants to.

It's a deal breaker for me but per many discussions about porn on ADHD, many men will continue using it whether their partners like it or not. I don't know why, but many men justify lying to their wives and girlfriends about it, and seem not to care a lot about how it makes the women in their lives feel. They seem to think that because they think it "shouldn't" negatively impact the women in their lives, the women have "no right" to feel badly upon discovering it.

I think that in a relationship, if we have to sneak around about something, we shouldn't be doing it. I do not think porn is innocuous and I do feel that a man in a relationship should raise the bar on his behavior in consideration of his partner's feelings. I also feel the industry is predatory and poorly regulated, and many minors are abused by it. Many of the barely-legal women are preyed upon as well, and quite a lot of women featured in porn are sex-slaves. For these reasons, I will not be with a man who participates in any way in the business, as a customer or free observer or whatever. No thanks.

There are men who share my feminist views, and those are the kinds of men I date.

That said, you may not feel as vigilant as I do, and have to decide where your boundary is drawn. This may not be a deal breaker issue for you. Maybe you just don't want to come across evidence of it and need him to do a better job of keeping it away from you. I don't know, but you should have your eyes open to the reality - he's not going to stop. If he wanted to stop out of respect for you, he would have done so already.

Any good relationship must have honesty, respect, trust, caring, and a willingness to talk about anything. Your relationship lacks some of these like honesty, respect, and trust. If he really respects you, he would respect your wishes.
What else will he lie about?
I would think about ending this relationship and finding someone else. Good luck.

First off. Great Advice! That last paragraph is golden. But my bonnet has a bee in it.




I think that in a relationship, if we have to sneak around about something, we shouldn't be doing it. I do not think porn is innocuous and I do feel that a man in a relationship should raise the bar on his behavior in consideration of his partner's feelings. I also feel the industry is predatory and poorly regulated, and many minors are abused by it. Many of the barely-legal women are preyed upon as well, and quite a lot of women featured in porn are sex-slaves. For these reasons, I will not be with a man who participates in any way in the business, as a customer or free observer or whatever. No thanks.

If that is the case than the woman should relinquish EVERYTHING that arouses her that isn't her husband to raise the bar on their behaviour? Is it always up to the man to "Rise" up in the relationship and not the woman? The main purpose and thrust of popularly defined femenism is equality and balance. I see neither in the above statement.

Though being a man standing up for himself instead of kowtowing, I tend to be ignored and vilified.

It is misunderstanding and ignorance that creates the fear and loathing associated with pornography. Being ingrained in such, most people won't explore to understand the industry and instead just continue with half heard rumours and all their preconceived notions on it.

How is the industry poorly regulated? Every commercial made pornographic film in the US and many western countries are required to have records on the models in the film including Letters of consent, verification of age, and probably several waivers. If you've watched a commercially available pornographic film there will be a disclaimer as such at the front.

The fact of the matter most models are doing what they do for the money like any capitalist in our world. He is a venture capitalist, She's a manager at wal-mart, he takes it up the rear, she eats carpet. Everyone gets paid for their work and trust me porn is hard work. No pun intended. I follow blogs of a few porn stars and it is a job.

When you get to the amateur stuff or some of what you find online. That is where it gets dodgy. But who pays for porn online.


There are men who share my feminist views, and those are the kinds of men I date.

I pity the man you find to be honest because either he's going to be a GREAT lair or will be so whipped by the harsh feminist culture that he'll be afraid of having a libido because he wouldn't want to be exploiting or objectifying you.


That said, you may not feel as vigilant as I do, and have to decide where your boundary is drawn. This may not be a deal breaker issue for you. Maybe you just don't want to come across evidence of it and need him to do a better job of keeping it away from you. I don't know, but you should have your eyes open to the reality - he's not going to stop. If he wanted to stop out of respect for you, he would have done so already.

Solid advice. A different angle though, If you wanted to ignore this out of respect for him. He has the utmost respect for you. I can guarantee this. He's been trying to hide this because he doesn't want to hurt you, but he wants to be with you.

So as a test and a thought for you. What was his affection and intimacy levels before you knew he was watching porn. This is when he was watching but you didn't know. What was life like? Now that you know. What has changed? The amount he makes love to you? The intimate moments? Anything in the relationship?

Any good relationship must have honesty, respect, trust, caring, and a willingness to talk about anything. Your relationship lacks some of these like honesty, respect, and trust. If he really respects you, he would respect your wishes.
What else will he lie about?
I would think about ending this relationship and finding someone else. Good luck.

Zero Tolerance hasn't worked well for anything. Just ask the kid that got suspended because he ate a sandwich into the shape of a gun. What and why are very important here. Because he knows that you don't approve of porn he is going to hide it and deny it. Does that mean he is going to run around and cheat on you? Nope.

I think compromise is appropriate here as well as a good understanding on how a man's mind works. I have found with a good number of women that they have no clue how they work and just assume that they act and behave the same way that they do. Which is dead wrong.

I don't think he is the one that needs to change here because you've made NO effort to understand his side. You're just laying down rules. See how well that works.

If that is the case than the woman should relinquish EVERYTHING that arouses her that isn't her husband to raise the bar on their behaviour? Is it always up to the man to "Rise" up in the relationship and not the woman?

I don't think there's an argument here to relinquish everything that arouses a person outside of their partner, just porn. And the argument to give it up, at least as far as dontknownuthin seemed to be saying, was that it's an industry that's exploitive. Maybe it doesn't treat all of its workers unfairly, but even a handful being seriously mistreated should at least give you pause regarding the industry overall.

Also, nowhere is it said that the man must be the only one in a relationship to rise up. Perhaps it seems that way because there is a double standard for behavior in society where women are taught to be modest and men are taught to be aggressive about sexuality. I think women grow up held to standards of behavior that are more stringent while men are told that folding to such standards makes them weak and unmasculine. Maybe you don't agree but I think this is true and is the source of your complaint that 'men must always be the ones to rise up.' I personally have made many sacrifices and changes to make my relationship work. Maybe that's not 'rising up' in the moral sense but it is 'rising to the occasion.'

At any rate, do you believe that learning to look the other way with regard to pornography would be the way in which a woman should 'rise up?'

I don't think there's an argument here to relinquish everything that arouses a person outside of their partner, just porn. And the argument to give it up, at least as far as dontknownuthin seemed to be saying, was that it's an industry that's exploitive. Maybe it doesn't treat all of its workers unfairly, but even a handful being seriously mistreated should at least give you pause regarding the industry overall.

Just Porn... so male arousal. Things that get women turned on is fine. Harlequin romances, romantic comedies, and literary erotica are all fine for the woman. It is a double standard.


Also, nowhere is it said that the man must be the only one in a relationship to rise up. Perhaps it seems that way because there is a double standard for behavior in society where women are taught to be modest and men are taught to be aggressive about sexuality. I think women grow up held to standards of behavior that are more stringent while men are told that folding to such standards makes them weak and unmasculine. Maybe you don't agree but I think this is true and is the source of your complaint that 'men must always be the ones to rise up.' I personally have made many sacrifices and changes to make my relationship work. Maybe that's not 'rising up' in the moral sense but it is 'rising to the occasion.'

It has been a long growing trend of emasculation. Maybe one side of the standard is wrong and not the one you're thinking of. Maybe women should be more aggressive and open with respect to their sexuality. As bad as it sounds, maybe we should abandon the last of the Victorian and Edwardian beliefs and body, mind, and sexuality and approach it in a different manner. That is what society is evolving to but I think we have yet to find the balance.

For example, Slut shaming. How the hell does that make sense? A woman is being attacked for exploring her own sexuality. A guy does the same thing and gets a pat on the back. Why don't we do the same for the woman?

What I am saying is that maybe the standard of men having to rise to the occasion should be replaced with relaxing of the standards for both men and women.


At any rate, do you believe that learning to look the other way with regard to pornography would be the way in which a woman should 'rise up?'

I think she needs to understand the problem first. Why doesn't she want her boyfriend to watch pornography? This will most likely bring up a bunch of self-confidence, self-image, and self-esteem issues that she has. Second she needs to deal with her own said issues. Realization that she is a sexy, beautiful person, regardless of anything that is bumpy, or saggy, or what not. I am seen size 0 women with cellulite, so no body is perfect this side of photoshop. Learn to love herself, how can she expect her boyfriend to if she doesn't?

Next she needs to figure out how she gets aroused, how her boyfriend does, and how monumentally different those ways are. Men are from mars, and women are from venus. It is that different. Then she needs to understand why he is doing what he is doing. Discover that it isn't because he's dissatisfied with her or that he isn't attracted to her anymore. That even watching porn, he loves her, and cares for her, and wants to spend his life with her. Regardless of the fact that he wanks off to a silicon filled thought.

That is the course of action. She doesn't need to turn a blind eye but understand what is happening and going on, separate the emotional and instinctual from the intellectual and rational. This isn't a simple process and it can be simplified into a "You can look just so long as I see no evidence of it." I wouldn't recommend it because you'll always have that Sloth (Not elephant) in the living room.

Knee jerk responses do not do anyone any good. Especially when it comes to your sex lives. It is still just a private part of your life that any variance can and will cause problems. If you don't communicate well, which is something that is not happening well here, then things are going to fester until the relationship falls apart.

That is my advice in a coconut shell, won't fit in a walnut.

Just want to let people know not only men watch/read porn. 50 shades of gray is one example that I can think of. I myself do not understand women or men who say if they loved me they would not need to read/watch it.
Well I don't like science fiction so if my husband loved me he would not watch it at all. All I see is people wanting to control others. What happened to open dialogue in relationships? That is not you must do what I want or you don't love me rather talking to each other and listening to each other.

Just want to let people know not only men watch/read porn. 50 shades of gray is one example that I can think of. I myself do not understand women or men who say if they loved me they would not need to read/watch it.
Well I don't like science fiction so if my husband loved me he would not watch it at all. All I see is people wanting to control others. What happened to open dialogue in relationships? That is not you must do what I want or you don't love me rather talking to each other and listening to each other.

If I could give you another one I would. On the head.

If I could give you another one I would. On the head.
I gave her one of mine with your name on it. :)

Just Porn... so male arousal. Things that get women turned on is fine. Harlequin romances, romantic comedies, and literary erotica are all fine for the woman. It is a double standard.

But there are factors associated with porn that are not associated with erotic literature - such as real people being the source of the entertainment and that some of those people are being treated badly. As I have said many times, I find both forms of media unappealing. I read part of 50 shades of gray on the recommendation of a friend. I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered. Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it.


What I am saying is that maybe the standard of men having to rise to the occasion should be replaced with relaxing of the standards for both men and women.

I agree with this statement. I'm not saying that the current standard of society is fair or right, just that it is. The fact that it puts men and women on different levels with regard to behavioral standards and gives people different perspectives of right and wrong is going to cause problems when those people eventually have to understand each other.

I mean, is it really such a wonder that so many people struggle with this issue? For one person, it's something you never do and for another it's your God given right. How do you easily reconcile those perspectives? I do believe it should be an open dialogue and one that neither a man nor a woman should be ashamed to voice their perspectives on. It's also why, when this issue becomes a problem, I don't think either party should 100% take the blame.

"I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered. Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it."

That form of entertainment?

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but "that form of entertainment"?

That entire statement is a poorly aimed jab at anyone who doesn't have a problem with erotic (or, for that matter, pornographic) literature.

"I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered..."
There he was talking about the book, Fifty Shades of Gray, which indeed is horrendous writing -- pulp fiction, if that.

There he was talking about the book, Fifty Shades of Gray, which indeed is horrendous writing -- pulp fiction, if that.

I read all three books because my husband bought them for me thinking I'd like them. I'm an avid reader, and he's always buying me books, and normally he has great test in reading material, despite the fact that he's not a reader. This time he failed.

I have no idea why that series has gone to the top of the charts. It is fluff, and it's not even good fluff, but I have to admit, I will likely watch the movie (I won't pay to see it in the theater,but I'll buy the DVD) when they make it, simply because I want to see how they interpret the book. I also want to find out if it's going to even be allowed on the big screen. It's porn, and unless they leave out the sex scenes, which would be 75% of the books, they won't be allowed to show what they do in the book, on the big screen.

To the OP, if you've ever read a romance novel, or watched a romantic movie, then guess what, you're watching chick porn.

The biggest problem I had with your post is that you seem to think that you can say "you're not allowed to" and he should bow and obey because you don't like it. That's not a relationship, that's ownership. If you want someone to obey your every command, get a dog.

Side note.

Craven and Mogrann, I greenied each of you, and then ran out. I would have given more if I had them. Great posts, and right on target.

I don't think it will win the Pulitzer Prize for literature - my problem was with "Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it."

"That form of entertainment" is a jab at anyone/everyone who likes erotic literature. This is like telling a person she doesn't sweat much for a fat girl, a jab.

I have read sex scenes in books that I found arousing. I have read some examples of erotic literature, and it has never appealed to me. Usually my trouble with it is that the writing is frequently so clumsy (in my opinion) that I cannot get into it. 50 Shades of Gray was a whole new level of bad writing - again, in my opinion. However, knowing that other people read it, my point with that comment was that my lack of familiarity with it might be keeping me from seeing the positives of it.

Anyway, if porn is like any other form of entertainment... would you be upset if I said I didn't like magazines as a form of entertainment? What if I didn't like a specific genre?

If any negative feelings were communicated in my comments, they stem from the fact that it seems to often be assumed on AMHD that where men are watching porn, women are spending an equal amount of time watching/reading what has been dubbed 'chick' porn. For me personally, and for many others I'm sure, this isn't true and I dislike being put into such a box.

If the OP does indulge in 'chick' porn and can see romantic comedies as being the same thing as pornography, then the equality argument might work. If she cannot do/does not do either of those things, then she'll just have to accept that she may not look outside the relationship for sexual gratification while he does and there can be practical reasons for both of them to do what they do. It's still an equal relationship as long as both people have equal expectations of each other.

I'm not "upset" by your comment. I thought it was unfair to anyone/everyone who enjoys or minimally tolerates porn and erotic literature.

That's the problem with assuming.

At any rate, yes, I understand what you are saying.

If it wasn't porn it would be something else that made you feel bad so the real issue is how you both work together to resolve this issue that you both can live with. While he shouldn't have lied about it at all, many guys do to keep the peace and that's always a conflict when the truth come to light.

I see this as your first big test in this year old relationship that will set a pattern of how you are going to resolve future conflicts. If you insist he stop watching porn, then be prepared for him to make you stop something, be it the way you dress, or the friends you hang with, or anything else.

If I were you, I would be talking and listening, and setting boundaries that allows for respect, honesty and truth, but gives you both privacy, and trust. Not easy, but it has to be worked on by you both. Now that you know the truth, it's what you do about it that counts,and trust me if you do get a resolution about the porn, there will be many more obstacles to deal with down the road.

Choose your battles and how you fight them carefully. If you expect a lifetime, then start now to lay the foundations of honesty through communications because if you can't talk you will NEVER understand each other, nor resolve things that life throws at you. In this regard you won't last long together any way.

You build a life together, or you build it apart.

there are factors associated with porn that are not associated with erotic literature - such as real people being the source of the entertainment

However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize. It's much easier for a woman to read and expand than it is for a man who is a visual creature. A man will not derive the same kind of pleasure/eroticism reading that a woman will, whereas a woman will not derive the same kind of pleasure in visual stimulation that a man does.

However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize. It's much easier for a woman to read and expand than it is for a man who is a visual creature. A man will not derive the same kind of pleasure/eroticism reading that a woman will, whereas a woman will not derive the same kind of pleasure in visual stimulation that a man does.

Agreed, but I wasn't talking about the gratification to be had by the consumer. I was talking about the ethics associated with the production of it. As a consumer of literature, you don't have to worry about the characters in the novel being treated ethically, because they are not real people. With porn, they are real people so you could be promoting an industry that is taking advantage of/exploiting people. The sexual gratification to be had by the consumer from either form could very well be equivalent but that statement was about the ethics not the gratification. It was related to a couple of earlier posts discussing the industry.

What does the political view of porn have to do with anything? You assume the actors are slaves when in fact they get paid bookoo bucks. To many the degree of hard core porn, and soft core porn found on HBO is negligible.

Doesn't matter if your partner doesn't have the same view as you do. If the issue was how to raise the kids you would still need to come to a compromise.

If it's a deal breaker then leave. Personally if I have to lie to keep peace, I would leave.

However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize.
Don't you mean we are NOT literal creatures (whereas men are), thus we can fantasize and use our emotions (whereas men need the literal, the visual). That's why, if a man wants a hot lovemaking session with his female partner that evening after work, he should begin stimulating her imagination and emotions early in the day and continue throughout the day.

Some good discussions are going on but may I suggest the words most or usually. Not all women are not literal people. Some woman like watching porn more than reading and some men like reading it more than watching. Nothing is absolute. I would not want someone to be reading this thinking they were odd as they went against what they should be.

I'm an adult.. if I want to watch porn... nobody has any right to tell me I can't.

I don't tell her what she can watch... she can't tell me what I can watch... but then, I was wise enough to pick a woman with good self esteme to marry.

I've walked out on every female that tried to be controlling... either overtly or passive -aggressively.

If you learn only one rule of life... its should be this one... one persons personl rights end... where the personal rights of another begin.

If everyone followed that rule... there would be far less trouble in the world.

Agreed, but I wasn't talking about the gratification to be had by the consumer. I was talking about the ethics associated with the production of it. As a consumer of literature, you don't have to worry about the characters in the novel being treated ethically, because they are not real people. With porn, they are real people so you could be promoting an industry that is taking advantage of/exploiting people. The sexual gratification to be had by the consumer from either form could very well be equivalent but that statement was about the ethics not the gratification. It was related to a couple of earlier posts discussing the industry.

Very good points, but sadly that's not what we're discussing on this thread. The OP posted that she forbid her boyfriend to watch porn because she doesn't like it, and he felt the need to lie and watch it behind her back, because he knew she wouldn't be happy with him watching it, because she doesn't allow him to.

Can we at least agree that adults are allowed to make their own decisions, and no relationship will survive if one person forbids the other from doing something (that's legal) when they want to do it?

That's why I bring up chick flicks and books like 50 Shades of grey. They're legal forms of entertainment. They don't have to be your cup of tea, and that's fine, but for many others, and 50 Shades of grey is a great example, it is a form of entertainment, mainly enjoyed by women, and it is porn. You're arguing that because it's a book and not real, it's okay, but a man watching porn isn't?

Telling a man that he can't watch porn because you don't agree with it, is not your choice, it's his. If he chooses to promote an industry that you don't agree with, but is legal, than that's his choice, not yours.

Really though, your aversion to the porn industry and your opinion that it exploits women, is not in keeping with the question of this particular thread. It's an interesting topic, and one I'd urge you to post about, but I would suggest that you start your own thread, and keep this thread about the actual question asked.

I think it's silly to say romantic movies or chick flicks are like porn for women. Romantic movies don't bring me to orgasm! They don't get my lady parts crazy aroused! The romantic movies I do like just make me feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe these movies do get some women in the mood. I guess because the warm fuzzy feelings make them want to cuddle up to their boyfriend/ husband, and that turns into something more. Or it just makes them think of warm and fuzzy thoughts in general. But do they then go masturbate? I doubt it. I don't remember a good romantic movie ever making me want to go masturbate afterwards!

I can only assume erotic books are comparable to porn. I've never read one though. I've only read some excerpts from 50 shades of grey to see what the hype is and I laughed my a** off (because it's that bad).

Anyway, I just had to say I don't agree with those comparisons. I get tired of seeing it used on here all the time.

I'm not against porn though! To the OP, I can understand if you aren't interested in giving porn a chance. But watching it might change your mind. If you're at all curious, look for what you might be into. It might be that there is more build up or foreplay, or the women is treated with extra care, or it seems like a genuinely in love couple, or a certain type of position turns you on, etc. 80-90% of it doesn't do anything for me. But I know exactly what I like to watch. For the most part it just makes masturbation easier because I don't have to come up with a scenario in my head/ use my imagination, the video does that part for me.

Once you can get into it, you'll realize it's just a tool for you to masturbate. I highly doubt you'll be comparing the porn stars abs, penis, or whatever else to your boyfriend's! And your boyfriend isn't either. You'll realize there's nothing to be insecure about.

Only if he's neglecting you or choosing porn over you (you are home and ready and willing) is there a problem.

I think it's silly to say romantic movies or chick flicks are like porn for women. Romantic movies don't bring me to orgasm! They don't get my lady parts crazy aroused! The romantic movies I do like just make me feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe these movies do get some women in the mood. I guess because the warm fuzzy feelings make them want to cuddle up to their boyfriend/ husband, and that turns into something more. Or it just makes them think of warm and fuzzy thoughts in general. But do they then go masturbate? I doubt it. I don't remember a good romantic movie ever making me want to go masturbate afterwards!

I can only assume erotic books are comparable to porn. I've never read one though. I've only read some excerpts from 50 shades of grey to see what the hype is and I laughed my a** off (because it's that bad).

Anyway, I just had to say I don't agree with those comparisons. I get tired of seeing it used on here all the time.

I'm not against porn though! To the OP, I can understand if you aren't interested in giving porn a chance. But watching it might change your mind. If you're at all curious, look for what you might be into. It might be that there is more build up or foreplay, or the women is treated with extra care, or it seems like a genuinely in love couple, or a certain type of position turns you on, etc. 80-90% of it doesn't do anything for me. But I know exactly what I like to watch. For the most part it just makes masturbation easier because I don't have to come up with a scenario in my head/ use my imagination, the video does that part for me.

Once you can get into it, you'll realize it's just a tool for you to masturbate. I highly doubt you'll be comparing the porn stars abs, penis, or whatever else to your boyfriend's! And your boyfriend isn't either. You'll realize there's nothing to be insecure about.

Only if he's neglecting you or choosing porn over you (you are home and ready and willing) is there a problem.

Its not silly... if you understood more about the differences between the thought processes of men... and the thought processes of women... you would see they are essentially the same thing... (romance novels ARE girl porn) because of the differences of how each gender view and process things.

But then... you have to be willing to accept the fact that everyone doesn't think exactly they way you might... and just because you might not like something doesn't make it automatically wrong.

Think I'm kidding? Would you think anything that deviates from Puritanical views and practices regarding sex (say during the 16th through 18th centuries) are the only ones that are correct and its everyone else that has a problem? Well if you are seriously repressed sexually you might... but the fact remains... people like that are the ones that have the real problems... and its also a main factor in why a man having a mistress or more was common practice back then too.

Its not silly...if you understood more about the differences between the thought processes of men...and the thought processes of women...you would see they are essentially the same exact thing....(romance novels ARE girl porn) because of the differences of how each gender view and process things.

Yea I agree about romance novels, just not romantic comedies or chick flicks being female porn. Or at least not every woman has that sort of reaction to them.


But then...you have to be willing to accept the fact that everyone doesn't think exactly they way you might....and just because you might not like something doesn't make it automatically wrong.

Trust me, I know everyone doesn't think like me! When I disagree with something I just see it as we have different opinions/ point of views.
I don't dislike romance novels. Just because I never got into them doesn't mean I think they're wrong! If someone likes 50 shades of gray (the only one I know I don't like) more power to them!

Think I'm kidding? Would you think anything that deviates from Puritanical views and practices regarding sex (say during the 16th through 18th centuries) are the only ones that are correct and its everyone else that has a problem? Well if you are seriously repressed sexually you might....but the fact remains...people like that are the ones that have the real problems....and its also a main factor in why a man having a mistress or more was common practice back then too.

If a puritan is happy with his sexually repressed, buttoned up lifestyle then who's to say he's the one with the problems?
Unless he secretly has a mistress on the side, then he's really not satisfied with the puritan practices. He's just trying to portray the perfect puritan lifestyle! But he's really a naughty man who's unbuttoning his tightly buttoned clothing. He's not living up to his puritan values! Well then he does in fact have the problems! Or does he? :-P

And the OP's question, how would you address that?

This has turned into a discussion and should be moved to the discussion boards.

There is no right or wrong about porn, or whatever turns your crank. The real issue is how you and a partner resolve your differences. That really starts with the first encounter, and you learn as you go.

Some couples are more successful than others.

If a puritan is happy with his sexually repressed, buttoned up lifestyle then who's to say he's the one with the problems?
Unless he secretly has a mistress on the side, then he's really not satisfied with the puritan practices. He's just trying to portray the perfect puritan lifestyle! But he's really a naughty man who's unbuttoning his tightly buttoned clothing. He's not living up to his puritan values!! Well then he does in fact have the problems! Or does he? :-P
Well the difference between them being happy... and trying to portray their way as the only way are way different...

If they are happy not living up to their potiential... (an I am meaning doing it monogomously)... thats their loss... and I do thank god I wasn't born into that era.

I've also known more than a few females in my younger years... that had some serious repression... and even back then it was enough it put me off and that was a huge factor in my walking away from them eventually... and what I considered simply repressed in those days... I now consider SERIOUSLY repressed. And I am really pretty far from what most people would consider wild... hell, I've been married for over 20 years...

And actually... its not always the female that has the issues... sometimes it's the guy that's the prude.

Smoothy,
That wasn't a real answer I just felt like being silly. I'm running on not much sleep!
But yea, I'm not into people being prudish or sexually repressed. I've found there tends to be an underlying problem they experienced growing up that stuck with them as adults.

Sorry Judy, no more straying off topic for me!

For the record people I don't watch chick flicks or read erotic books please take that discussion somewhere else and let's stay on topic

For the record people I don't watch chick flicks or read erotic books please take that discussion somewhere else and let's stay on topic

Um... thats not how this site works.

Those are part and parcel with each other...

And the fact is.. if you have issues... you need to deal with them... not project them on him because your issues existed before you knew him and would still exist if you ever break up...

As an adult its his right to view porn... and its not anyone's right to impose any controls on the other... overtly or passive-agressively.

Meaning... its not his business to dictate what you do for fun on private time any more than its your business to tell him what he can watch on his private time (and I bet you do watch chick flicks even if you don't want to call them that, tell us what movies have you watched in the last year and we can point them out.) .

Think I'm kidding... I give him at least 80% odds of walking away from you if you push him on this. Best to learn that little rule about personal space and personal rights... there is an immaginary line between people where your rights end... as do theirs if they wish to impose them upon you. It's the appitomy of arrogance to think everyone has to do things the way YOU expect them to be done... The woman I married NEVER tried this the 5 years we dated... nor the 20+ years since we have been married, and I've never done it to her. We have our occaisional disagreements... but its never on anything related to this. More about who left a mess in what room or didn't put something away.

Might apply at home with your kids when you are the parent... but it doesn't with adults... and while it might seem hard to believe... most men and women would never think about telling their partner or spouse what they can and can't watch. I know a lot of them. THere are even many of them here.

The older you get... the more you will understand this... and why. Its one of the great privileges you have as an adult... when you move out and support yourself.

Just so you know, the less you participate in this discussion, the more it strays, so tell us what YOU think of this matter so far? Have you and your guy talked?

Just so you know, the less you participate in this discussion, the more it strays, so tell us what YOU think of this matter so far? Have you and your guy talked?

You're right. Yes we have talked a lot about it and he feels horrible and ashamed of himself for lying to me to watch porn. He said he has stopped watching it. But how can I trust him again? I am worried that I will feel uncomfortable having sex with him

Why would you feel uncomfortable having sex with him? Because he's watched porn? It sounds like you need to be more comfortable with yourself.

He lied to you about it because he knew you'd get extremely upset about it. If this is the only lie he's told you, then you can trust him. Guys will lie about porn to women who get upset about it. If you didn't get upset about it then he'd tell you the truth. This is one of those things you should either accept or break up with him. But my advice is to accept it because most men (and a lot of women) watch porn. If you're not comfortable with it then you should find a guy who doesn't watch it.

If he's honest about watching porn in the future are you going to get mad at him?
And if he's vowing to never watch porn again, it's incredibly unlikely he can stick to that! It's just how a lot of people masturbate.

What if he had told you in the beginning he watched porn, and would keep doing it no matter how you felt? Would you have even dated him for a year, or at all?

What if he had told you in the beginning he watched porn, and would keep doing it no matter how you felt? Would you have even dated him for a year, or at all?

If he told me in the beginning then I wouldn't mind as much. But if he said from the start he wouldn't be willing to stop or at least cut down for me, then I would wonder what other areas he would be selfish in and I wouldn't think that he would love me. But he wants to change because he does feel that he was wrong. And I do so much for him and I have sacrificed a lot for him

If he told me in the beginning then I wouldn't mind as much. But if he said from the start he wouldnt be willing to stop or at least cut down for me, then I would wonder what other areas he would be selfish in and I wouldn't think that he would love me. But he wants to change because he does feel that he was wrong. And I do so much for him and I have sacrificed a lot for him

That's going to change... First not because its wrong... as it wasn't... but the older you get... the more you realise pressuring the other into doing something other than they want is too much like living under your parents... and resentment WILL begin to grow...

What seems reasonible to the mindset of someone barely an adult in their very early 20's... is going to infuriate the same people by 30. I'm 51... I've lived and experienced all those stages... (and don't doubt there will be a few more before I check out... )


Like its so wrong he speaks with another female if he has you... or him getting upset because you spoke to another guy because you have him... something you might have grown out of by now... but just a few years ago might have seemed reasonible in your teens.

And like that most people see what's wrong with dictating or pressuring (its the same thing) what can and can't be watched... and if he was really into football and you really hated it... how would that be any different if you tried to keep him from that?

When I hear "sacrifice" when it comes to a relationship... red flags start going up.

Relationships that are meant to be... don't require frequent or constant sacrifice... sacrifices are forcing something to work... that doesn't naturally work.. You discover this usually only after falling into a relationship that's just right the way it is... and nobody has to change anything or sacrifice anything. THAT is the type of relationship that lead to my marriage. And kept that marriage together for over 20 years... one could also call it mutual respect... meaning we each respect each other the way we are... naturally.

I realize my opinions will probably change on it but as of now I am not comfortable with him watching it

I realize my opinions will probably change on it but as of now I am not comfortable with him watching it

My suggestion... work harder on dealing with it... before he decides its not worth dealing with...

Speaking as a guy... who knows how guys think. We will tell you one thing to get you to stay quiet about it... and go do it anyway... while developing resentment the whole time.

Eventually it builds to the point we decide... (fill in a name) is pretty nice and she doesn't seem like this.

I believe you are going to understand this over time... many people do... but usually after leaving a string of relationships in shambles before it dawns on them... a few never do... and they end up divorced a number of times... single at 50 or 60, bitter and convinced its everyone else's fault... not theirs...

No don't take that as a personal jab... it wasn't meant to be... I actually know people like that... who I can and do consider friends... but hell would freeze over before I'd have anything to do with them romantically because of the attitudes they developed even if I woke up single tomorrow..

Seriously... I know a couple single divorced women... (who never dated anyone seriously since their divorces) some of whom have been divorced for in the range 15 years and still act like they got divorced last week or are still in the middle of one... (talk about holding grudges).

You have to learn to let some things go... lifes too short. Focusing on the negatives... only keeps you from seeing the positives. I know I became a happier person when I learned to do that.

Sure my wife does a few things that upset me from time to time... I have learned to let it go because her other positives offset the few negatives.

That was extremely well put Smoothy.


If he told me in the beginning then I wouldn't mind as much. But if he said from the start he wouldnt be willing to stop or at least cut down for me, then I would wonder what other areas he would be selfish in and I wouldn't think that he would love me. But he wants to change because he does feel that he was wrong. And I do so much for him and I have sacrificed a lot for him

You have an agreement made with him under duress, and trying to lessen the effects of arguing about his porn use, and as always happens now it has become a trust issue on your part. That may be an indication of other things just beneath the surface that are not as obvious as the porn issue which is easily identified.

Why do I think that at the heart of this is you wanting him to sacrifice as much as you think you have or he hasn't given as much as you have? Did you have resentments already that made the porn an easy target to vent about? Wonder what other issues were annoying you but you have never said anything about?

There really is nothing I resent him for or anything else that bothers me about him besides this. I accept him for who he is and don't judge his imperfections and I am not perfect either. I am just upset that he gets off to other women when he has me and lies about it. That's really it.
That's really all

I am just upset that he gets off to other women when he has me and lies about it. That's really it.
That's really all
They aren't really "other women." They are breasts and butts and other female body parts. YOU are the real and complete woman in his life and the one who satisfies his soul as well as his body. Don't push him into a corner and make him lie.

You are right. Thank you:)

I don't think the promise is worth much. He promised the same before. Your values don't mesh about porn.

I don't think you're repressed or that there's anything at all wrong with you. You just have a different standard for your relationship than does your partner. These things are pretty deeply entrenched, so I don't think either of you are likely to change. The larger issue isn't porn, but rather the fact that he told you what he thought you wanted to hear, then did whatever he wanted behind your back. He knew doing so you'd likely find out - these things rarely stay hidden for long - and that when you did, it would upset you.

This discussion got sidetracke into a pro/con for porn. The only opinion on porn that matters is yours. If you can accept it, then you need to tell him you can accept it and what the boundaries are. If you can't, you need to rethink the relationship because he isn't likely to really stop using it and at a fundamental level, he disagrees about it with you.

My concern would be that you could replace porn with another conflict. Say you had a shared goal to a $50 cash allowance each per week, with the rest of your money going to budget items and savings toward your first house. How would you feel if he agreed to only spend $50, then spent $75 figuring what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you?

Or what if you have children one day and you agree to use "time out" with the child for a particular behavior. He's all on board when you talk about it, but when you leave and he's with the kids, he blows off the time out because he truly doesn't agree with it.

I personally would rather my partner tell me flat out, "I'm not on the same page with you - I think you're wrong and I'm not going along with you on this one". I might concede, might work for a compromise or might decide that we're not compatible. In any event, at least we're both operating from an understanding of each other that's relevant and true.

As for whether you feel you can have sex with him, I really don't think the porn is about you. It's his fantasy life separate from real life. That said, I wouldn't have sex with someone I couldn't trust to tell me the truth. What else has he lied about in the relationship? That question would remain in my mind.

He said that he feels ashamed and embarrassed about himself for hiding porn. I guess I understand why he lied about it. He hasn't lied to me about anything else (that I know of) and he has been trustworthy in every other way.

I don't think the promise is worth much. He promised the same before. Your values don't mesh about porn.

I don't think you're repressed or that there's anything at all wrong with you. You just have a different standard for your relationship than does your partner. These things are pretty deeply entrenched, so I don't think either of you are likely to change. The larger issue isn't porn, but rather the fact that he told you what he thought you wanted to hear, then did whatever he wanted behind your back. He knew doing so you'd likely find out - these things rarely stay hidden for long - and that when you did, it would upset you.

This discussion got sidetracke into a pro/con for porn. The only opinion on porn that matters is yours. If you can accept it, then you need to tell him you can accept it and what the boundaries are. If you can't, you need to rethink the relationship because he isn't likely to really stop using it and at a fundamental level, he disagrees about it with you.

My concern would be that you could replace porn with another conflict. Say you had a shared goal to a $50 cash allowance each per week, with the rest of your money going to budget items and savings toward your first house. How would you feel if he agreed to only spend $50, then spent $75 figuring what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you?

Or what if you have children one day and you agree to use "time out" with the child for a particular behavior. He's all on board when you talk about it, but when you leave and he's with the kids, he blows off the time out because he truly doesn't agree with it.

I personally would rather my partner tell me flat out, "I'm not on the same page with you - I think you're wrong and I'm not going along with you on this one". I might concede, might work for a compromise or might decide that we're not compatible. In any event, at least we're both operating from an understanding of each other that's relevant and true.

As for whether you feel you can have sex with him, I really don't think the porn is about you. It's his fantasy life separate from real life. That said, I wouldn't have sex with someone I couldn't trust to tell me the truth. What else has he lied about in the relationship? That question would remain in my mind.

Its only a lie because she was pushing him into saying something she really didn't have a right to make him say...

If one time You made a promise to have a threesome.. or ave anal sex and you just to make him hapopy even if you never really intended to do it (doesn't matter if it was under durress or the heat of the moment)... then you get upset if he brings it up when he wants it... how is that promise any different? You promised him you would... therefore under the same argument you should have done it because you promissed?

Well the basic flaw in this stance is... he's an adult... and not subordinate to you any more than you are to him... therefore the person pressuring for a promise didn't have any moral right to be demanding it to begin with... and absolutely no more than he would have pressuring you into having a threesome you didn't really want to have.

You are both adults and make your own decisions... Husbands and wives don't even get to force the other into doing what they don't want to do.

How is forcing someone to make a promise then holding them to it and different than pressuring someone to agree to have a threesome then holding them to that same promise?

The answer is there isn't one...

And the people that get the most upset.. are usually the least willing to do anything someone else was pushing them to do oddly enough. Thus the control issues... either overt or passive-agressive. As long as THEY are making the demands its all justified.. however if the tables were turned... they would be screaming loudly.

Seen it way too often... and even older people do it sometimes... but rarely as aften as people from 14 through 26-28 do.


Incidentally... if I was dating someone who came up to me and called me a liar... more than once... would have found herself walking home... literally... not figuratively.


Last one that pulled that with me... was left at a bus station to buy her own ticket home... about 2,000 miles from home. A few others had to call and have someone pick them up from a party after they got in my face and I walked out.

Respect is a two way street... if you want it... you better be ready to show it, single or married.

Never really think old saying have any real significance...

Here's one that fits... "Whats good for the goose is good for the gander." Make him promisse something he doesn't want to do... you better be ready to do the same... fair is fair.

But basically making someone make dumb playground promises just cheapens the value of a real promise made from the heart.

Reminds me of the commercial about honest Abe being asked by Martha "does this dress make my butt look big?", and because he couldn't lie and say "NO DEAR!", Martha stalked off pissed.

Not all lies are meant to deceive. Some are to save hurt feelings, or big arguments you can't win. Stay off his phone!!

Incidentally... if I was dating someone who came up to me and called me a liar... more than once... would have found herself walking home... literally... not figuratively.

But if a person did lie, then calling him/her a liar is calling him/her what he/she is. It's different than a false accusation. And, in this case, regardless of why he lied, he did lie.
(ha, I think all of these 'he/she' inserts are why we always use 'they' when referring to a singular hypothetical person)

At any rate, I think a practical perspective is the easiest way to be objective about the whole thing. It's nice that he made that promise but it could very well be as sincere as the initial lie. He told it to spare your feelings and/or save him the grief that the truth would bring. It's not impossible that he meant it, but if I were you, I'd be prepared for that promise to be insincere.

You have two choices: You can stay with him, accept the way he is and stop bugging him to be someone else OR you can leave him. You have to pick one, with all conditions. If you choose to stay now that you know the truth, you have to be prepared for him to persist in being himself (i.e. to not change) and you cannot ask him to.

Smoothy, it seems you have misunderstood my advice.

I'm not suggesting that this lady tell her boyfriend what to do. I'm suggesting that she determine whether his using pornography is a deal breaker issue for her. He's not likely to change, nor to be honest about it if that's her expectation. So, if it bothers her as much as is appears to, it seems she might want to break up with him. I would suggest she do, not out of spite or anger or to punish him like a child, but because they are not compatible in an important aspect of their relationship.

Nor am I recommending that she tell him what to do. I think it's a waste of time to boss our partners around, personally - they resent it, don't usually follow through and it reduces an adult relationship to something childish. To me, it makes more sense to choose someone with whom we're compatible to start with, and then, to have a mutual expectation and commitment to act honestly and honorably in resolving disagreements. Some disagreements are deal breakers and neither side can or should give in. Others are more minor, and they can make adjustments, each moderting their behavior out of consideration for the other. You're right that she can't call all the shots, but she certainly can draw some boundaries about what she can accept in the relationship, and it might mean that if he isn't in agreement, they can't stay together. He probably has some deal breaker issues as well.

For example, I would not be with a guy who's an alcoholic and expect him to change for me. Since I don't like being around excessive drinking, I would only date a moderate drinker. On the other hand, if I were with a guy (and I am) with whom I agreed on the big things, I'd let some of the small stuff slide. For example, I find it annoying that he leaves his shoes in the middle of the doorway instead of off to the side. It's a small price for a great relationship to move his shoes when they are in my way. He noticed that I was doing this, and now he puts them out of the way to start with.

I've made adjustments, too. I noticed that he looked annoyed by my music choices in the car. We talked about it and I learned what he likes better. I don't like all of his taste either, but there's a lot that we both like, and we listen to that when we're together.

Making some adjustments is just common courtesy. Demanding changes is childish. If we have to demand that our partner change things that are major issues for us, we're probably with the wrong person.

You clearly have some boundaries, too. For example, you don't like dramatic women who get in your face, or who call you a liar (apparently, whether you've lied or not... that's not clear though). I guess you're best off being with a woman who isn't so dramatic as to make scenes in bars - and I'd say, maybe a girl who's willing to drive herself on dates, since you might leave her behind in an unsafe situation if she says the wrong thing. We all have our limits - what we can live with or not.

He said that I am worth stopping porn for and he said he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. He makes me happy in every other way and he said it won't be hard for him to stop. Whether that's true or not, I do not know but to me it's worth a try because he's everything to me and I to him. He's trying to make things better, and they have gotten better. I think that everything will be good and back to normal soon enough. Thank you everyone for your feedback

He said that I am worth stopping porn for and he said he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. He makes me happy in every other way
But it's not his job to "make" you happy. Your happiness is what YOU are responsible for.

If he has been pushed into a corner again, I predict more lies if you confront or question him.

He said that I am worth stopping porn for and he said he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. He makes me happy in every other way and he said it won't be hard for him to stop. Whether that's true or not, I do not know but to me it's worth a try because he's everything to me and I to him. he's trying to make things better, and they have gotten better. I think that everything will be good and back to normal soon enough. Thank you everyone for your feedback

How much do you love him? Do you love him enough to allow him to be happy, especially if all it would take is something harmless that won't even effect you?

He's not choosing to do something, he's doing it to make you happy. Seems like this relationship is very one way, it's all about your happiness, and what you want. Sooner or later the person giving up everything for the other, will walk away because it's not worth it.

Smoothy, it seems you have misunderstood my advice.

I'm not suggesting that this lady tell her boyfriend what to do. I'm suggesting that she determine whether his using pornography is a deal breaker issue for her. He's not likely to change, nor to be honest about it if that's her expectation. So, if it bothers her as much as is appears to, it seems she might want to break up with him. I would suggest she do, not out of spite or anger or to punish him like a child, but because they are not compatible in an important aspect of their relationship.

Nor am I recommending that she tell him what to do. I think it's a waste of time to boss our partners around, personally - they resent it, don't usually follow through and it reduces an adult relationship to something childish. To me, it makes more sense to choose someone with whom we're compatible to start with, and then, to have a mutual expectation and commitment to act honestly and honorably in resolving disagreements. Some disagreements are deal breakers and neither side can or should give in. Others are more minor, and they can make adjustments, each moderting their behavior out of consideration for the other. You're right that she can't call all the shots, but she certainly can draw some boundaries about what she can accept in the relationship, and it might mean that if he isn't in agreement, they can't stay together. He probably has some deal breaker issues as well.

For example, I would not be with a guy who's an alcoholic and expect him to change for me. Since I don't like being around excessive drinking, I would only date a moderate drinker. On the other hand, if I were with a guy (and I am) with whom I agreed on the big things, I'd let some of the small stuff slide. For example, I find it annoying that he leaves his shoes in the middle of the doorway instead of off to the side. It's a small price for a great relationship to move his shoes when they are in my way. He noticed that I was doing this, and now he puts them out of the way to start with.

I've made adjustments, too. I noticed that he looked annoyed by my music choices in the car. We talked about it and I learned what he likes better. I don't like all of his taste either, but there's a lot that we both like, and we listen to that when we're together.

Making some adjustments is just common courtesy. Demanding changes is childish. If we have to demand that our partner change things that are major issues for us, we're probably with the wrong person.

You clearly have some boundaries, too. For example, you don't like dramatic women who get in your face, or who call you a liar (apparently, whether you've lied or not...that's not clear though). I guess you're best off being with a woman who isn't so dramatic as to make scenes in bars - and I'd say, maybe a girl who's willing to drive herself on dates, since you might leave her behind in an unsafe situation if she says the wrong thing. We all have our limits - what we can live with or not.

Thanks for taking the time to clarify your thoughts on that.

Oh... those cases I left them without a ride went far beyond a simple comment... I can blow off a slip of the tongue as easy as anyone... just not what happened in those cases... never went into detail nor will I, but lets say... leaving them there was my way of defusing a situation that could have easily escalated. Most people would have done the same thing if they were in my shoes at the time because of what would have happened if the cooler head had not removed themselves from a bad situation before it went critical.

I was actually commended a few times for doing it by people who were there and saw what went down for being able to walk away without smacking them first. By both men AND women.

He told him that he thinks it was wrong of him and he regrets it and he wants to stop. Maybe if he didn't watch it so often and didn't lie about it I wouldn't mind. Believe me it's not a one sided relationship because I really do a whole lot for him and I enjoy doing things for him as he does for me too

He told him that he thinks it was wrong of him and he regrets it and he wants to stop.
And he said that because he knows that is what you want to hear.

And he said that because he knows that is what you want to hear.

Yep... I'd wager money he is still actually doing it... just being more careful to hide it from her.

Nothing makes a man want to do something more than someone telling him he can't do it.

He told him that he thinks it was wrong of him and he regrets it and he wants to stop. Maybe if he didn't watch it so often and didn't lie about it I wouldn't mind. Believe me it's not a one sided relationship because I really do a whole lot for him and I enjoy doing things for him as he does for me too

Did he explain why he thinks it's wrong? Has he always felt bad about watching porn or thought it is morally wrong before he was with you? Or does he only feel wrong about it because he's with you?

The likely hood is he's being persuaded by your opinion because you feel so strongly and hurt about it. But as this argument fades and he gets time to himself...

really do a whole lot for him and I enjoy doing things for him as he does for me too
What major pleasurable things have you stopped doing because he told you they are wrong and he doesn't like them and your doing them makes him feel neglected?

She may not do anything he objects to. If she does, she needs to consider his feelings and stop.

If she's going out to bachelorette parties against his wishes, he is in the right to ask her not to go and she should consider what he's changed for her and honor those wishes. Or if he's annoyed that she leaves her makeup and clothes all over the bathroom, she needs to have the maturity to think "he's honoring my wishes, I need to honor his" and put her stuff away out of courtesy to him. It doesn't have to be an exact trade, but an ongoing process of doing what they can out of consideration for one another.

It's another thing if either of them try to control the other, but asking for the other person to stop doing something that we find hurtful or annoying is not unreasonable. Maybe she texts at the dinner table - rude, she should stop if he asks her to. Or he leaves his stuff all over the house after she cleans up - he should pick up after himself out of consideration.

I'm surprised that this is even an issue - don't we all try to be courteous of people we love, and avoid doing things that are hurtful to them? We can't always honor our loved ones wishes, but when we can, it makes for a nice world.

If you think for one minute that he's giving up porn willingly, you're delusional. He's giving it up because you're ticked off about it, you want him to stop, you're willing to sever the relationship if he doesn't. He'll just find better ways to hide it, and that's the saddest part of all of this, because he shouldn't have to hide it! He should be allowed to be who he is, do what he wants (especially something that doesn't have any effect on you, and is legal) but you're putting down the gauntlet and ordering him to stop, and he's so pu$$y whipped that he's going to do it, rather than stick up for himself and realize that he has rights too.

She may not do anything he objects to. If she does, she needs to consider his feelings and stop.

If she's going out to bachelorette parties against his wishes, he is in the right to ask her not to go and she should consider what he's changed for her and honor those wishes. Or if he's annoyed that she leaves her makeup and clothes all over the bathroom, she needs to have the maturity to think "he's honoring my wishes, I need to honor his" and put her stuff away out of courtesy to him. It doesn't have to be an exact trade, but an ongoing process of doing what they can out of consideration for one another.

It's another thing if either of them try to control the other, but asking for the other person to stop doing something that we find hurtful or annoying is not unreasonable. Maybe she texts at the dinner table - rude, she should stop if he asks her to. Or he leaves his stuff all over the house after she cleans up - he should pick up after himself out of consideration.

I'm surprised that this is even an issue - don't we all try to be courteous of people we love, and avoid doing things that are hurtful to them? We can't always honor our loved ones wishes, but when we can, it makes for a nice world.

That's the sort of thing people do when dating... pretending to be something other than they really are. Its gets really old after at most a few years...

Not being able to relax and be yourself sucks... feeling a need to do everything just because someone else expects you to... is a burden that sucks the fun out of life...

Now keep in mind what I mean by that... if you HAVE to do that you are trying to make a round peg fit in a square hole.

If your relationship really is a good match... you can each do your own thing... and it doesn't bother the other... because you are both being yourself... and as a result... comfortable doing it. Because you don't have to go against your true nature... or force anything. And neither does your partner.

That's the secret to a long relationship without constant friction or resentment. And most people if they have to constantly do something against their nature just to make someone else happy... will grow to resent doing it over time.

No its not wrong to ask something... its wrong to insist on it. People are who they are... you can't and shouldn't try to mold someone to fit what you want... you should find someone who actually is like you want.

A leopard can't change its spots. Some people spend years or decades before they learn the wisdom behind that. Time they will never get back.

Spoken by someone who learned that lesson 20 years before the average person knew what the internet even was much less got it in their house.

Red flag, red flag - and maybe someone addressed it prior to this and I missed it. I get cases, probably 4 to 6 a year, when someone has "videos of us," "us" breaks up and those videos are passed around and/or posted.

This person has lied repeatedly to the OP while looking her in the face, is pretending to be someone he is not (and I'm not addressing the porn. I'm addressing the lying about the porn) and she's not concerned that he has videos (and apparently pictures) of "us"?

I suspect this will be my next "do somethng to make him stop showing these videos to his friends" case.

I never connected PERSONAL videos with those being shown to his friends... I thought it was generic videos...

That would be a hugely different thing, and I for one would be not at all be cool with.

"He has videos of us and pictures of me so why should he need to watch porn and lie?"

That's the sort of thing people do when dating...pretending to be something other than they really are. Its gets really old after at most a few years....

Not being able to relax and be yourself sucks...feeling a need to do everything just because someone else expects you to....is a burden that sucks the fun out of life....

Now keep in mind what I mean by that....if you HAVE to do that you are trying to make a round peg fit in a square hole.

If your relationship really is a good match...you can each do your own thing....and it doesn't bother the other....because you are both being yourself...and as a result...comfortable doing it. Because you don't have to go against your true nature...or force anything. And neither does your partner.

That's the secret to a long relationship without constant friction or resentment. And most people if they have to constantly do something against their nature just to make someone else happy...will grow to resent doing it over time.

No its not wrong to ask something....its wrong to insist on it. People are who they are...you can't and shouldn't try to mold someone to fit what you want...you should find someone who actually is like you want.

A leopard can't change its spots. Some people spend years or decades before they learn the wisdom behind that. Time they will never get back.

Spoken by someone who learned that lesson 20 years before the average person knew what the internet even was much less got it in their house.


Again, the advise is to choose to be with someone with whom we're compatible on the major, deal breaker issues. If we pick someone with whom we're compatible on issues we do not feel we can compromise on, then we can be flexible on the rest because it doesn't bother us to give in on those things or make a compromise. The thing is though, there are times we find out something after we've been in a relationship for a while that's a deal-breaker issue for us. We have to deal with these things honestly if we want a good relationship, knowing that the issue might end the relationship. It's not a manipulation to acknowledge the truth as in, "I can't stay in a relationship with you if you're going to continue doing that". It's just the truth.

I suppose it could become a manipulation if an immature person makes such remarks when they don't mean it, or any time they don't get their way but I think we're talking about a higher level of maturity here.

Similarly, the boyfriend might find out that she's gambling, running up huge debt to cover losses. He might also say, "If you don't get help with this and stop gambling and deal with this debt, we're going to have to break up. I don't see a future wish someone who will drag me into bankruptcy".

Again, the advise is to choose to be with someone with whom we're compatible on the major, deal breaker issues. If we pick someone with whom we're compatible on issues we do not feel we can compromise on, then we can be flexible on the rest because it doesn't bother us to give in on those things or make a compromise. The thing is though, there are times we find out something after we've been in a relationship for a while that's a deal-breaker issue for us. We have to deal with these things honestly if we want a good relationship, knowing that the issue might end the relationship. It's not a manipulation to acknowledge the truth as in, "I can't stay in a relationship with you if you're going to continue doing that". It's just the truth.

I supose it could become a manipulation if an immature person makes such remarks when they don't mean it, or any time they don't get their way but I think we're talking about a higher level of maturity here.

Similarly, the boyfriend might find out that she's gambling, running up huge debt to cover losses. He might also say, "If you don't get help with this and stop gambling and deal with this debt, we're going to have to break up. I don't see a future wish someone who will drag me into bankruptcy".

I'm 51... I've been dating since I was 15... if you have to bend and contort every day to not upset the other person... its not going to last long... and I consider even five years like that a long time... most people will get fed up in a lot less time... and you have to be a true submissive masochist to put up with it for longer than that...

And if you look at the divorce rates... they will back up what I said... people think OH... I can put up with this because I can't do any better... or I'm desperate for anyone.. not just the right one.

Eventually it gets on their nerves... and they begin to understand they aren't really happy after all... or worse... they begin to really hate the other person. It rarely happens overnight... but it creeps up a little at a time.

Now I'm not talking about the " please dear would you not fart on the couch when I'm sitting next to you" type thing. But more of the " you will dres this way...talk this way....you will not associate with those friends you had since childhood because I don't like them...but you WILL have to put up with MY annoying frineds". Or "Get rid of all those old trophies and memorabilia you've had for decades because they don't fit in with the new curtains and bedspread I just got at a flea market"

Or even.. ".I don't like sports....there will be no sports in this house if you want to sleep with me"


Those are slightly exaggerated for impact... but those are real things I've known women to pull... I single out the woman in the example only because I'm a straight man... so that's my perspective. It could be a guy doing it to a woman just as easily.

I single out the differences between a single request... from long term manipulation by the amount of time one has to do something.

Example... "Don't watch that ballgame today because there is something I really want to see" Simple closed end request... short and one time in nature. Not an unreasonible request.


Vs. "Don't watch football (or pick any sport) because I hate sports and don't want to listen to them ever. Which is an open ended... long term request.. with no foreseeable cutoff... I see a big problem with that.

Simple requests are fine and not what I would consider out of line... its the open ended long term things that I do.

Something usually becomes manipulation long before the effected person recognises it as such.


Another example would be like a guy trying to talk a clearly smitten girl... I like you but you really need a boob job because I'm a boob guy... and keeps asking her over and over when she really has nothing wrong with her boobs and doesn't want a boob job... that is until the moment she relents and gets it... then hates them... because she was pushed into it to make him happy and keep the peace.. In time she resents being talked into it.. and they divorce or break up.

I am in agreement with dontknownuthin about dealbreakers - it was a case I had unsuccessfully tried to make before. People can encounter differences that can't be overcome. When such issues come up, I think it's right to say "I can't stay in a relationship with you if you really think this way/if you continue down this path/etc.," It seems like manipulation and a threat - it's often presumed to be that and only that in these situations.

But how else should it be dealt with? Should one person just leave without explaining first? And, as soon as they do explain, should they assume blame for 'pressuring' someone into change? If I were doing something that upset my partner so much he wanted to leave me, I hope he'd at least discuss it with me before walking out. Then it would be up to me if I think my behavior needs changing and/or if my relationship is motivation/reason enough to make that change.

Honest communication is necessary for a good relationship, something smoothy has been advocating. It doesn't mean that such communication can't/won't be used for manipulation. But not being honest about issues that are major (if only major to one partner) can be as damaging as manipulation and insincere promises.

Honesty starts with the first date, or encounter, and builds through the grand process of dating. Getting to know someone. Many jump into the experiment of living together so quickly they have not in fact made neither a credible agreement, nor a commitment, nor paid attention to the red flags (questions/behavior) they find annoying. They are unprepared to be room mates.

Without this honesty from the get go, when the fun of lust fades what's left, and what do you do about it? Simple room mates would leave or make adjustments, through honest communications. So the greatest compatibility issues are solved through communicating and the willingness to compromise. Without either, you may as well face facts and leave each other alone and go your separate ways.

Without agreement, AND commitment, you are wasting time any way, and the grand experiment of living together fails.

People have addictions to certain things in life. Watching porn is just one of those things. Try and divert the addicted person's attention to something more productive like gardening, taking care of pets or other people. A person who has a lot of free time and don't know what to do with it becomes idle. Idle hands can do undesirable things.

Cure an addiction to porn or anything else by gardening?

I see no indication that the boyfriend is watching porn because he's bored.

And your opinion about him lying?

People have addictions to certain things in life. Watching porn is just one of those things. Try and divert the addicted person's attention to something more productive like gardening, taking care of pets or other people. A person who has a lot of free time and don't know what to do with it becomes idle. Idle hands can do undesirable things.

How did you conclude that this is an addiction? The OP never mentioned anything that would lead to that conclusion.

He said that he feels ashamed and embarrassed about himself for hiding porn. I guess I understand why he lied about it. He hasn't lied to me about anything else (that I know of) and he has been trustworthy in every other way.

(I was shipped to china, and have just had a chance to look at this thread.)

If he was honest and told you about it, would it make you feel better? "Honey, I off to watch some midget porn. It is this really hot one where bridget takes on the football team. I will be in my office."

Just had to put in that comment.

OMFG! This exact thing happened to me. I told him how much it hurt me and I used all the words I had to tell him and he felt so bad that he stopped. I was so controlling and told him not to. Porn was the one thing that could hurt me more than anything and it happened anyway... If you tell him the reasons you're not okay with it and how much it pains you to see and hear this happening maybe he will get the idea. If he loves you he will not want to see you hurting.

OMFG!! this exact thing happend to me. I told him how much it hurt me and I used all the words I had to tell him and he felt so bad that he stopped. I was so controlling and told him not to. Porn was the one thing that could hurt me more than anything and it happend anyways... If you tell him the reasons why youre not okay with it and how much it pains you to see and hear this happening maybe he will get the idea. If he loves you he will not want to see you hurting.

And if she loves him she'll realize that forbidding someone to do something that has nothing to do with you, is legal, and is done by most men, is not okay.

Why should he have to prove his love?

Let's turn the tables. Let's say he really dislikes her job, it makes him uncomfortable, it's the one thing that can hurt him, it pains him. Does he have the right to tell her to quit? Should she quit to make him happy?

Bottom line, if she can't accept who he is, can't accept that porn has nothing to do with his love for her, or his passion for her, can't let him be who he is, then she should find someone else, someone whose hobbies or likes she can tolerate. No one should have to change to make someone else happy. That's not love.

OMFG!! this exact thing happend to me. I told him how much it hurt me and I used all the words I had to tell him and he felt so bad that he stopped. I was so controlling and told him not to. Porn was the one thing that could hurt me more than anything and it happend anyways... If you tell him the reasons why youre not okay with it and how much it pains you to see and hear this happening maybe he will get the idea. If he loves you he will not want to see you hurting.

And I bet you still have the very same irrational nerousis that you had before because you never dealt with it.

I also bet he #1. Never stopped... just hides it better. And #2. Has this checked off on his mental list of things about you that irritates him.

Why do I think you aren't as willing to do anything HE demands you do when he expects you to do it... just because you are willing to return the favor...

People who love others... don't make unreasonible demands of them... or they WILL start messing around with someone who doesn't... eventually.

I agree smoothy, if he really likes it, he is still watching it, just hiding it a lot better, clears his history and so on. The minute you demand him to change, that is the day most men will leave, he is the way he is, and what if he demanded you change something you really like?

I have a solution for you. I think you should start watching porn with men with very large organs. If he asks why you have started watching these porns, tell him that these kind of men, with their "size" is what a woman "really" wants. You would be putting him in the exact situation you are in right now. He watches those porn because those are the women he desires but cannot have. Personally, that is what I would do. And he will not stop watching porn no matter how much he loves you. He is hooked to them.

I have a solution for you. I think you should start watching porn with men with very large organs. If he asks why you have started watching these porns, tell him that these kind of men, with their "size" is what a woman "really" wants. You would be putting him in the exact situation you are in right now. He watches those porn because those are the women he desires but cannot have. Personally, that is what I would do. And he will not stop watching porn no matter how much he loves you. He is hooked to them.

Care to offer any respected study to PROVE... that men watching watch porn are HOOKED on it...

Seriously... I find that assertion offensive... because its well documented and proven that men and women's thought processes as well as their visual processes are very different...

And most women past 30 will tell you that they in fact do... Women get exactly the same thing from a 50 shades of gray type book that a guy gets from a naked picture of a woman.

Wow.. Melissa just wow... and what is your advice for men whose significant other watch porn? See it is not only a mans activity and most people are not threatened by their partner watching it and don't want to control others. If you don't like porn and are against it then leave the relationship but don't try to control others with manipulation.. sure end to a loving relationship

wow.. Melissa just wow... and what is your advice for men whose significant other watch porn? See it is not only a mans activity and most people are not threatened by their partner watching it and don't want to control others. If you don't like porn and are against it then leave the realtionship but don't try to control others with manipulation.. sure end to a loving realtionship

Vice versa... this goes for any man or woman. Give both the equal experience. And yes, I agree. If you don't like your man or woman lusting or masterbating to the sight of strangers having sex, then yes, get out.

Vice versa...this goes for any man or woman. Give both the equal experience. And yes, I agree. If you dont like your man or woman lusting or masterbating to the site of strangers haveing sex, then yes, get out.

And not deal with your personal problems? You are going to find the pool of like minded people to be very small... VERY, VERY small.

"I have a solution for you. I think you should start watching porn with men with very large organs. If he asks why you have started watching these porns, tell him that these kind of men, with their "size" is what a woman "really" wants. You would be putting him in the exact situation you are in right now. He watches those porn because those are the women he desires but cannot have. Personally, that is what I would do. And he will not stop watching porn no matter how much he loves you. He is hooked to them."

This is game playing, nothing more, nothing less. I find it interesting that a person who preaches about honesty in a relationship also thinks deception is a good idea. Nothing like comparing "your man's" equipment to another man's larger equipment and then telling "your man" that women prefer the larger organ.

That's guaranteed to improve your sex life and his self image - not. I am surprised that this advice would come from someone who is interested in counselling other people with their problems.

Of course, I find it difficult to take masturbation advice from people who can't spell "masturbate."

I have a solution for you. I think you should start watching porn with men with very large organs. If he asks why you have started watching these porns, tell him that these kind of men, with their "size" is what a woman "really" wants. You would be putting him in the exact situation you are in right now. He watches those porn because those are the women he desires but cannot have. Personally, that is what I would do. And he will not stop watching porn no matter how much he loves you. He is hooked to them.

And here is where the truth comes out, and what most women, you especially, don't understand.

Men don't watch porn because they desire the women in porn. They don't watch porn because those women, or even that kind of sex, is what they want.

In other words, no, she wouldn't be putting him in the exact situation he's putting her in. She'd be trying to hurt him, when he's doing nothing at all to hurt her, or their relationship. Until you understand that, you'll never have a healthy relationship, because I hate to tell you this, the majority of men watch porn.

Until you realize that porn is entertainment, you'll never understand, and you'll never be happy.

My husband watches porn. He used to hide it. Actually, I find it funny, because we never once had the porn discussion, so why he would feel he needed to hide it, I don't know. I was cleaning house one day and found his "stash". When he came home I asked him where he wanted me to put his movies, because I didn't want him to have to climb over the home entertainment center every time he wanted to watch them. I suggested keeping them in the hidden compartment in our closet (that he knew about) where I keep my vibrator. He was shocked.

So we sat down and talked about it. I asked him why he was hiding it. He said "because you're a woman, and all women hate porn, and hate it when their men watch it". I was more upset about that than any porn. He knows me! I am not like most women! To be lumped into the paranoid "porn is evil, my man is horrible for watching it, I feel undesirable because of porn" group, really ticked me off. I am not a woman that is threatened by anyone else, or anything else, because I know that my husband loves me.

That was many years ago, when we first married. He watches porn whenever he wants (in the garage because we have kids) and I've watched it with him a few times, but it's really not my thing. I can't help but make fun of the horrible music, the unrealistic scenarios, the acting (if you can call it that) and all the plastic breasts and fake moans. So he watches his porn, I watch my chick flicks (which he can't understand. Why would anyone watch a movie that makes them cry buckets?) and it's all good. We've been married almost 18 years.

Whenever a thread like this pops up, I talk to him about it. The funny thing is, when I first found his porn he had hidden it because he didn't think I'd understand (because most women don't) that porn isn't about what you desire in a woman, or what you want in the bedroom. It's simply entertainment. Men are visual, women are emotional. For him a porn movie is entertaining, for me Marley and Me (which he watched with me, and hated because he was depressed for days afterwards) is entertainment.

Do I want a golden lab that wrecks my house, eats furniture, and then has to be put to sleep because of age and a twisted bowel? No! I don't want that any more than he wants any of the women in the movies he watches! It's entertainment. That's it.

Until you understand that, you'll never understand men, and you'll never have a healthy happy relationship.

There is no reason to be concerned with him watching porn. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 1/2 years and I open tell her I watch porn. I watch it very often and she's knows. Her accepting this had made it easier to be myself around her. Our relationship is amazing, sex is great! and I will one day marry this girl. I watch porn because I have a higher sex drive than her and I need a little extra relief than she does. Talk to your boyfriend about it. Im sure he's in a similar position

This question, as I read it, isn't about masturbating to porn. It's about watching porn.

Good that your girlfriend doesn't mind you masturbating to porn on a regular basis.