This has been torture on my mind for the past 4 months now. I'm a 20 year old male sophomore in college and for as long as I can remember, I have always been attracted to women both physically and emotionally. If I masturbated, it was to a fantasy in my head of a picture of a female. I've been off and on with porn, but over the course of the past 8 months I've upped the usage a bit (cutting back again because of the effects it has had). Everything was fine and dandy and I was happy with my life, with who I was.

All of the sudden, I started questioning my sexuality, and I have no idea why. I've never had a girlfriend before (got close a few times but thing didn't work out), and never dreamed of doing anything with another man. I've had many friends of both genders throughout the years and never had any issue with this at all. I still find women attractive, their bodies and their minds. But now I'm starting to notice other men as well, but not in a sexually sense. I can recognize that another guy is attractive, but at the same time I flip out and start thinking that, because I think he's attractive, I must be gay. And I keep looking at other guys faces and it just keeps building up anxiety. I really don't want to all of a sudden turn up gay or bisexual because, like I said, I was happy with who I was.

I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but for a while now, I've wanted to be taller, stronger, and better looking. I'm also always looking for an ideal girl, with physical features and mental features that fit a particular criteria. I don't know if any of that fits into this as well, but if it does maybe it will give me some peace of mind. And end this depression I'm in.

One last note, I've been looking into HOCD and many of my symptoms seem to line up with the criteria there, but I'm still not sure if that is all that this is. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,

Lost45

Hey Lost,

I am currently a second semester freshman in college so I can relate to you in the aspect of age. Honestly the fact that that you stated that you are not sexually interested in males is enough to radiate the idea that you are not homosexual. The fact that you can identify another male as attractive is no reason cause insecurity in ones sexuality. I am a heterosexual male, currently in a relationship, and I have no issues observing same sex males as attractive or even going as far as telling another man that he is dressed well today or looks nice. It is honestly all about comfort with ones self. I have actually noticed that while I am in relationships with females I may show off more homosexual tendencies; this is because I am more comfortable with myself at the time of the relationship. I'd say continue to explore your sexuality and find out who you are. Whether this leads to a girlfriend or a boyfriend (I don't believe you're homosexual though) you will be able to find happiness.

-fdsaqwerish

You don't have a girlfriend and haven't had one, and you wish you were more attractive yourself, as a man. I have a feeling that you are craving a close relationship, PLUS are comparing yourself to other men. Two different things merged together, and it's understandable that you might wonder if you are gay. I (as a woman) have done this myself when I was young (in my 60s now).
Try to realize that gender identity is a fluctuating and variable thing. I've known people to get into same sex relationships out of loneliness, because they were asked to, and then changed their minds, whereas others dove into them with a great sense that their straight past was a vast denial. Some people say they are bi, and others say they are whatever they feel for a particular person at the time, whether gay or straight.
MORE IMPORTANT
If porn is taking the place of meeting women (and you want to meet women), then would you be willing to talk about that? Please tell us what bombed the times you did almost have girlfriends.

I find the comment that the person in the hetrosexual relationship "shows" more homosexual "tendences" than when he is not in a relationship to not be normal - if there is a "normal" where sex is involved.

I personally find this to be the case when a homosexual man (or, for that matter, woman) is dating in order to disguise his/her sexual tendencies - "I can't be gay, I'm in a relationship with the opposite sex." This is sometimes why gay people enter into hetrosexual marriages - it's a cover up.

I admire an attractive woman. I have no homosexual or bi leanings.

Please give yourself some time, and SMILE. Start talking with girls, and they will want to talk with you, if you are smiling.
If you have never had a girlfriend, don't feel lost! I am 71 yrs old, and didn't have a girlfriend, a real one, until I was 18. Then lost her when I went to college. Life is weird, but we have to accept it and move on. Keep smiling, and try to find a girl to go out with. You will know soon enough if you are gay or otherwise.

If you like women then you like women. That's all. You don't have to be homosexual to notice that other guys are handsome, you'd have to be blind to avoid that. Everyone looks at others and considers their level of attractiveness. It doesn't mean that they are, themselves, attracted to them though. If the way you explained your feelings towards men was the way you felt about women then it would be a different story. Don't worry about it and just be comfortable with your own sexuality.

Hello Judy Kaytee,

I can assure everyone here that if I were homosexual I would not feel the need to hide it behind a heterosexual relationship. Not only is that not, in anyway, fair to my significant other but it also it would not be fair to myself. By hiding and repressing my sexuality I could not grow or be able to truly understand my identify. Regardless I can share with you the belief that the circumstances you have explained "I personally find this to be the case when a homosexual man (or, for that matter, woman) is dating in order to disguise his/her sexual tendencies - "I can't be gay, I'm in a relationship with the opposite sex." This is sometimes why gay people enter into heterosexual marriages - it's a cover up." does exist, though it does not apply to me. Anyway I am glad the consensus could be made that the confusion he is feeling is normal and that he likely has nothing to worry about. Thank you for your input.

-fdsaqwerish

joypulv,

I guess what bombed in those relationships was the negative view of myself. "What if I'm not good enough for her?" "What if she meets some other guy and just ups and leaves me?" Questions like these barrage my mind constantly when I consider a relationship. And to me, it seems, despite whether I've known it or not, I always find the girls who are already in a relationship worthy (I mean, why not? They're in that relationship for a reason). But it always seems like they're leading me on and with this whole flirty, touchy-feely display which doesn't really help. Maybe this is all stemming for the feeling of failing to secure a solid relationship. It's a ty feeling sometimes.

Also, thanks for the feed back, everyone. It's cool to see a community that's got the back of a complete stranger.

Messing with females in relationships is a dead end street to begin with, so no wonder you question your own sensibilities.

I think if you stop looking for love, romance and a girlfriend, and focus instead on making friends, and have fun interacting with people, both male and female, you will be surprised at the options and opportunities that present themselves.

Then you don't need a checklist of qualifications to share, care, and spend time, nor get caught up in the flirt game. You may not find romance every weekend, but you will enjoy yourself and your life and that will attract others to you.

Confidence and self assurance are the building blocks to dealing with YOURSELF, and others.

I don’t need to be reassured, because I don’t have an interest in your sexuality. I was asking for clarification - why do you show off more homosexual tendencies when you’re in a relationship (presumably with a female) than when you are not in a relationship. You said, “I have actually noticed that while I am in relationships with females I may show off more homosexual tendencies” and I wondered why that is.

I would think if you have homosexual tendencies you should explore that part of your sexuality before getting into a relationship with anyone.

From a guy who is gay to another guy - you don't just wake up and discover you are gay at 20. I've known a very long time since I was a kid. Even though I am gay I can notice a beautiful woman. But even then beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Take pressure off yourself. It is okay if you think a guy has nice features. That doesn't make you gay.

But honestly your post is not an easy read for someone who is gay. I know you didn't mean to be offensive, you were just being honest. So am I now.

As always, Oliver, your response is refreshing and honest and needed to be said.

Thank you!

Sorry Oliver, I guess it's all the stress and anxiety that has been building up. I really didn't mean to offend anyone on here. I just hate this feeling because one day it'll be gone and I'll feel normal and life will go back to normal and then something will happen that re-engages this fear and the cycle starts over for about a week before it dies away again. Again, I'm sorry if I offended you. Thank you for your reply, it was fairly insightful to hear what you had to say.

You don't have to let those feelings drag you down for so long. You can plan a strategy of things to do that you enjoy to uplift yourself when feelings are dark or negative. We all have to cope with the parts of us that are not so happy or normal as you call it.

And I wouldn't fall to self diagnosing yourself over the net, get a professional who knows of such things to help and that starts with a visit to your family doctor. Let him guide you to a better way of handling your issues than just let them cause you worry.

Sorry Oliver, I guess it's all the stress and anxiety that has been building up. I really didn't mean to offend anyone on here. I just hate this feeling because one day it'll be gone and I'll feel normal and life will go back to normal and then something will happen that re-engages this fear and the cycle starts over for about a week before it dies away again. Again, I'm sorry if I offended you. Thank you for your reply, it was fairly insightful to hear what you had to say.

No apology needed but I appreciate it. I didn't take it personally. And honestly stop trying to control what pops in your head. That is virtually impossible. If it pops in your head, just move on to the next thing that pops in your head. What you are experiencing is very normal. So accept it and know that you will be fine.