Hi. My daughter kissed a boy she loves in school. What to do as a father

How old is she? How old is the boy?

Please tell us more about the kissing event. How old are the two kissers?

Has she or have you been threatened with legal action?

How old is she?

This is an issue for the school to deal with under their own disciplinary and conduct codes.

How old is she? How old is the boy?

Both are 15

both are 15

Is your question about breaking a school rule or about how to cope with your daughter growing up?

OK, two 15 year olds kissing is not a big deal. It falls in the realm of what's called "perfectly normal".

As a parent I would have the following discussion with your daughter:
- I feel strongly that you should not kiss any boy who is not your boyfriend
- Before you make someone your boyfriend, he needs to come and meet your parents. You require our approval of any boy you want to date.
- Kissing at school is inappropriate. You may hold hands in the hall and that's it. If I hear again that you are kissing any boy in the hall you will be grounded.

It is important that you also reiterate your expectations in terms of boundaries for sexual activities. I permitted my son to date when he was 15 but he was not permitted to go on dates alone with a girl until he was 16. This wasn't too hard to enforce because he couldn't drive until then anyway. Until he was 16, he was only allowed to take a girl out with other friends going along, too. He is not allowed to go out with any friends, girls or boys, until they have come to the house and I have met them. He also may not take any girl out until he has asked her parents permission. He has been taught to call them "Sir" and "Ma'am" and "Mr." and "Mrs." until and unless they tell him otherwise. He is not allowed to have girls at the house when I am not home and is not allowed to go to other kid's houses unless their parents are home. He may have one other guy at the house if we aren't home, but has to call and let me know who it is. I require that every kid who hangs out at our house text or call their parents to say where they are. They don't mess with me - I feed them pizza and treat them well and they are happy to do what I require because they like being at my house.

Yep, I do call and check up to make sure my son is where he said. I don't stalk him but I have confirmed his stories enough times without warning, he knows I mean business. Yes, I have caught him lying. I don't make a huge deal of it - I implement a consequence and let the action speak for itself. When there is a consequence, there also has to be another opportunity to do the right thing. We can't lock our kids up.

Besides just setting moral law down, it's important to have a conversation with your daughter (which is not the same thing as a lecture - it requires that you be quiet and listen with every intention of trying to understand and come to agreement, not to find fault with everything she says). Let her know what you want for her, and what your concerns are in a respectful way.

For example, I told my son the following:
- When a relationship becomes sexual, most boys feel like they scored and met a personal goal - the girl is a tool to accomplish that goal. Most girls think they are in love. Boys know that if they say they are in love, they are more likely to score and get sex. Girls have to be smart enough to say, "you think you love me because you want sex. I'm not ready for that, so the answer is "no". I'm waiting until I'm married - if you're not ok with that, we need to break up".
- Nobody should have sex until they want a child because all forms of birth control can fail and often do. Plenty of kids are willing to wait for sex and it's ridiculous to risk one's entire future to keep someone around who is unwilling to respect your boundaries. The best way for a girl to end up marrying the right guy is not to have sex when she's dating. She will always be viewed as quality "marriage material" and guys who just want sex will self-select to be absent from her life. Only real men will have an interest, which will spare her a lot of heartache.
- the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases it to avoid sex including intercourse and oral sex. Keeping all of your clothes on and requiring your partner to keep all of their clothes on will assure nobody will get pregnant and nobody will get sick.
- When adults have a failed relationship, they can avoid ever seeing the person again. When a teenager has a failed relationship, they can be guaranteed the other person is going to be talking about them and seeing them every day at school. Give them nothing to talk about because nearly 100% of teen relationships fail. Some people make it last, but they usually break up and make up several times in the process.
- Sex is for marriage and there are a lot of good reasons for that, above and beyond religious and moral rules.

If you try to come down on her too hard, and restrict her from seeing boys, or make it sound like she's the town slut for kissing or talking to boys, she's going to rebel big time. To keep her on your side, you need to let her be her age, which includes liking boys and kissing the one who's special to her.

Emphasize that you are protecting her because she's not an adult yet, and you don't want her making mistakes while she's growing up that will derail her life.

Again, this needs to be a conversation. If you do not listen to her, she will not listen to you.

If she tells you the boy is not a big deal to her, let her know that you don't want her to kiss anyone who's not a big deal because she's too special for that. The guy who gets to kiss her has to deserve it. He has to be really special to her, not dating anyone else, and willing to support her boundaries. She should also know that if she kisses boys who aren't special, other boys will take it as a sign that she is taken. It will prevent her from having a chance with the right boy, so is not the right move.

I need to tell you that many of my friends set firm laws down based only on morality. Their kids are drinking and having sex. I talked to my son many times over many years about the emotional and practical consequences of having sex before marriage, drinking while underage, trying drugs and cigarettes, being a "player" with girls and more. We talked about how a girl could accuse him of rape and it would be her word against him. The best defense is not to have sex with her until he's married to her, or at the very least, engaged. We talked about how having a child would impact his life and how, as the boy, he would have little say or power in the decision of that girl whether to have an abortion, place for adoption or to parent - we really talked through it in detail, like where they would live, whether the relationship with the girl would last, what it would feel like to talk to her parents and tell them she's pregnant. We talked about how hard it would be to get another girlfriend if he had a baby as a teenager. We talked about the consequences for college and future jobs if he has a criminal or drug record, and on and on. We talked about what it would feel like to have sex and a few weeks later find that he has mouth or genital sores, painful urination, etc. How he would have to come to me, because he was a minor, and tell me that he needed treatment for a sexually transmitted disease. I asked how he would feel if it felt like he was peeing razor blades and the only way to get relief would be to tell mom he probably picked up a sexually transmitted disease. That got his attention.

Because it has always been a conversation and not a lecture, he has been really receptive and I feel it's worked well. He's 18 and committed to a clean lifestyle. When he filled out his college housing application, he requested a roommate who is committed to living clean and who is committed to not having girls stay overnight. He explained that he loves to have a good time but wants a clean lifestyle. I am Catholic and practice my faith - he chooses not to be religious but sees the common sense behind his decisions. So far, so good. He may change his mind, but he's getting through high school without these behaviors. At least he's a legal adult now. Each year he puts off adult behaviors, he has a better chance at life.

This question is in the legal forum, under family law, so please tell us, has your daughter been arrested or charged for kissing this boy? Are you asking if you can charge the boy for kissing your daughter? What is your legal question?