Hello. I know this is a complicated issue and I will likely wind up having to talk to an attorney, but just thought I would see what the feedback here might be first.
My boyfriend has 2 children from a previous marriage. He has paid child support for them since the divorce, about 15 years ago. He does owe some back CS for some times when he was out of work or had very little work (he is self-employed in construction) but is currently making payments towards that as well as making his regular payments.
However, he has not seen these children in 4-5 years, and there have been periods (months at a time) before that in which the ex would not allow the children to see him.
The reason he has not seen them for the last 4-5 years is because the ex accused him of molesting his daughter (he did NOT do this and she knew that the entire time - she had an agenda, which is a whole other story). While this was under investigation, he was, understandably, not allowed to see the children. He was also forbidden from being around the 2 children of his then-current wife (neither of them his) and his daughter from a previous relationship who lived with him and his current wife. Because of this, he had to move out of his home for almost 3 years. After this time, he was cleared of all the charges. The paperwork he received from the court at the end of their investigation completely dropped all the charges and clearly states that he is innocent of all charges and that, while they did find that the child was molested, it was done by another family member. However, the ex has not allowed him to see the children or have any contact with them since this happened.
My question is this: since he has not been, and is still not, allowed to see the children (they are now 18 and 16), is there any possibility of going to court and asking that the CS order be modified retroactively? Even if they would just reduce the amount he had to pay since it was the ex's choices and actions that made him not allowed to spend time with the children? Or will the court likely say that it doesn't matter what the ex did, he still has to pay what was in the original order?
My boyfriend has never been represented by an attorney through any of this - even the divorce, so his interests have never been taken into account. I believe the amount he has to pay every week is already too high, but when you figure in the fact that the ex doesn't allow him to have contact with them - well, I just think he got a bad deal. He's a good man, and a good father to the child that lives with him, and he wanted to be to the other two, but was denied the opportunity.
I'm just wondering if we should even bother trying to find an attorney and go to court with this or if we would simply be fighting a losing battle. Honestly, all that he would really be asking for is that the back CS be waived and the support be ended for the 16 year old (the daughter is 18 now and her support has already ended).
Thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice any of you may have.
Christi

Oh - the CS order is in Tennessee, and the children live there. My boyfriend has lived in Georgia since the divorce 15 years ago. Sorry I forgot to put that in the original post.

Christi

No, at this time you can not ask for the child support to be taken from the record because of all of this. What can be done is to go to court (He has to do this) and seek a custody change so he can have court ordered visitation. He should have done this years ago. Also with one child reaching 18 then his child support amounts should change after they graduate High School. He may wish to continue the same amount he is currently paying but apply the overages to arrears so they are paid off faster.

First, support and visitation are separate matters. One is not dependent on the other. So, no, he will not be able to get the support reduced on the grounds that he doesn't see them.

Second, if his interests were not properly represented, that's his fault. He had the choice to obtain legal representation or go pro se and fight for himself. So don't blame the courts for that.

Third, since there is proof the child was molested, he would have to prove that the mother knew it was not him, which will probably be difficult.

Finally, the one child is 18. At this point he does not need (nor does she) the mother's permission to visit with her. She is an adult and can decide on her own. Since the other child is 16, by the time any court action can be completed she will also be over 18, so he might as well just wait for then.

I would suggest that he try to contact both children through e-mail or other direct communications, to apologize to the children that he has not been able to be a good father to them. Explain this was partially do to their mother's, somewhat understandable blocking of his right to visit. But that since one is now 18 and the other will soon be, they can make these decisions for themselves and he hopes that they will allow him to be a part of their lives in the future.

Thank you for your answers.

I guess I already knew what the answer to the CS/visitation issue would be. Just figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.

As far as him not having his interests represented, I never tried to blame the courts for that - although I certainly could, since the court system rarely acts in the best interest of any child, based on what I've seen from friends and relatives who have gone through many different scenarios in court regarding their children. The court acts in the interest of whoever has the better attorney - which is really not fair. However, my opinions and feelings were not a part of the reason I shared the info that he had not had representation. I was simply stating it so that readers might understand part of the reason I feel he's always paid too much in CS and did not have court ordered visitation. I know he could have and should have gotten council. This does not change the fact that he didn't, so the rulings in the matters were all very one sided.

And there is absolutely nothing understandable about the mother of those children keeping them from him. She did it because she is spiteful, vindictive, and immature, and used the children as pawns to get her way. The court made him stay away from them during the investigation, which is the only part that's *somewhat* understandable - but even at that, until he was found to actually be guilty of something, I think he should have been given the opportunity to visit with them under supervision. During the almost 3 years this was being investigated, the kids were being fed who knows what by their mother about him with him not having any opportunity to prove to them anything else. By the time it was over and he was cleared of the chrges, the kids were 16 and almost 15 and refused to see him, although he tried numerous times and has always let them know he would be there for them if they ever wanted to see him.

As far as him proving that the mother knew he was not the one that did it, he probably couldn't do so now, after all these years, but a relative of hers came forward and finally told the truth that she knew the entire claim was bs against my boyfriend and was able to supply the DA's office with enough evidence to drop the charges and say he was innocent of all of them. He would have been able to get the evidence necessary to prove this if he'd not been under so much stress because of what she'd done. By the time he was allowed back into his home, his marriage was a wreck because of all the stress and the fact that he could not be present, so he had that to deal with on top of the false accusations.

Yes, he handled the whole situation poorly. I know that and if my question sounded like I was trying to get pity, well, that was not my intention. I was simply trying to discern whether there might be a legal remedy for him at this point through the screwed up system.

, since the court system rarely acts in the best interest of any child, based on what I've seen from friends and relatives who have gone through many different scenarios in court regarding their children. The court acts in the interest of whoever has the better attorney - which is really not fair.

I'm not going to disagree with this, but I think your perspective is somewhat skewed. That a better attorney knows the law and uses the letter of the law to force the court to rule according to the law. Even though the law generally states that the best interests of the child is the overriding concern, a good lawyer can control what a court sees as those best interests. That's why I always advise not to go up against another lawyer without your own counsel.

I also want to note that I suspect what you have "seen from friends and relatives" is also skewed. Unless you have been present in court or reviewed court transcripts, you are getting a one-sided viewpoint. Again, courts can sometimes be unfair. The court system is not always about fairness but following the law.

I doubt if much if anything can be done now, especially without a good attorney. A good attorney might be able to prove that the mother unduly influenced the children against their father. Might be able to prove that he was falsely accused deliberately. But this would take time, money and an emotional investment.

One thing bothers me here. He was accused of sexual molestation. How old was the daughter at the time the molestation occurred? Was she old enough to understand and know the truth? Since this supposedly happened to her, wouldn't she know the mother was lying?

Thank you for your answer. I'm not even going to try to go into a debate about how screwed up the entire legal system has become. You are right, I generally do only have a majority of my information from one side, and I know the courts are designed to uphold the law, not necessarily what is "fair." This doesn't mean it's not royally screwed up.

As for the daughter, she was 13 when this happened and yes, she knew exactly what she was doing. However, the mother has done nothing but try to turn those kids against their father since the day they split up. She'd concoct some reason she didn't want the kids to see him and keep them from him for a few months. He'd finally work his way back in and she'd come up with something else. She did this over and over and over again. My boyfriend is very hurt and, honestly, somewhat bitter towards his daughter for her part in this. His head knows she was really just a child and that her mother manipulated her through all of this, but it really hurt him that she would go along with her mother about something like that. As I've said before, he has tried numerous times since all of this happened to try to see the kids, but because of all their mother has filled their heads with, they refuse. The mother isn't going to make them go because she doesn't want them to anyway.

It's really a screwed up situation and I knew I was just full of wishful thinking when I asked, but again, didn't figure it would hurt. Thank you again for your answers.

I'm just going to point out one more thing here. I don't know how much of this you know because its what your boyfriend told you or how much you have confirmed from personal experience. I gather you didn't know him when this first started going down.

But I am very bothered by a 13 yr old allowing her daddy to be accused of sexually molesting her. There is something more behind this for that to have happened. More than just the mother manipulating the child. I'm not saying that he did anything to her, but something had to have gone wrong in their relationship before this happened. Remember I'm looking at this from an unbiased viewpoint based on the facts as you have related them. And I suggest you try to step back a bit from your emotional involvement and try to look at those facts as a stranger. Something else is going on here. I don't believe your boyfriend is a totally innocent victim here. Yes he appears to have been victimized, but there is another side to this that we (and I believe you) are not seeing.

Thank you for your concern. I can completely understand why you would think like that, as one simply cannot take chances if there are children involved. However, I am very aware that I have only gotten his side of the story, but I do feel he's been extremely honest with me about his mistakes and failures in this whole situation. He's never tried to play like he never did anything wrong as a parent. And yes, I knew about this particular situation almost from the very beginning of our relationship. We met online and communicated that way for several weeks before we finally met. It was on the night of our first date, when we realized there was some true chemistry between us, that he told me the gist of everything and showed me the paperwork clearing him of the charges. We have talked in much greater detail about it, and other things he's done and not done in regards to those children, since then.
Yes, he wasn't the best father. He played into the games the mother instigated. He probably could have done things differently all along and perhaps built a stronger relationship with them when they were younger. However, I do feel that a large majority of what happened here was caused by the mother's actions throughout the years, not his inactions (although they certainly played a part).
By 13, some children can be extremely manipulative, especially when they've had it demonstrated to them as the way to live by their custodial parent.

I posted my reply earlier before I completed it. I was on my phone and hit submit by mistake.
My last comment may seem like I am trying to put blame on the child, and I don't want it to be misunderstood that way. While the child herself did behave in a manipulative and cruel fashion throughout this incident, I do not put any blame on her, and neither does he intellectually, although he was, and still is, very hurt emotionally. She was only behaving in the manner she was taught. I am also aware that at 13, adolescents are not developmentally capable of fully understanding the repercussions of their actions, and are also not fully capable of empathy for the situations of others, so we do not blame her, because she did not fully understand what she was doing.
Yes - the relationship was damaged before this happened, however, not to the point at which it could not have been repaired had the mother encouraged it, or even just remained neutral and allowed him to have a relationship with the children without her negativity.
Again, I've never tried to make this out as a "he didn't do a thing to deserve this" kind of post, although I do believe the "punishment does not fit the crime" in this situation. I was just wanting to know if there was anything we could do to "fix" it in retrospect. Since there isn't, we will just move on with our lives. If the kids wish to see their father at some point in the future, he will be there for them.