My girlfriend and I have been together just over a year. She lives in Poland, me in Ireland. The distance thing has never been an issue, seeing her in the airport every month or second month is the most amazing feeling. We were on holiday for our anniversary recently with friends and things fell apart now she is saying she doesn't see me in the same light anymore things are no longer fun for her. The holiday was for 10 days, we fought for the first 5 and were calm for the second 5 but were more friendly than like a couple. However since we got back the vibes have been bad and now she is gone back to Poland. Sometimes she texts me sad or cries on Skype then when I act sad she refutes it and tells me to stop telling her these things. I'm not sure what to do, do I leave contact all together? Do I go after and be the first to contact her? Do I act as normal in texts? Etc. Should I try to move on even though it seems something is still there?? Help...

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Your girlfriend sounds like things are upsettingly off balance. She is probably outgrowing the relationship and feels like a different person as more time passes. If you're both drifting and finding your core values with her are changing, then you don't have the solid foundation it requires to maintain this relationship. You might even find yourself evolving as a different person as well. It will only be a matter of time before the end comes because there will always be issues present that you and her are not seeing eye-to-eye with. That's not to say it's unhealthy to have differences. I think the opposite in fact-- when two people have something they can call their own and they don't have to have a relationship define who they are, that is a very powerful component. For example, if you like to participate in outdoorsy sports while she prefers to stay at home and watch movies for example, then at least those are things you can still make compromises for if the other person wants to engage in that activity. You watching and a movie and her participating in a outdoorsy sport is not exactly a deal breaker. You can selflessly do the things your partner likes to do and vice versa to make each other happy. However, if the foundation is not the same and you don't value and share the same morals, beliefs, visions about your futures, etc. then the relationship will surely suffer. It is better to cut your losses now before things worsen. Plus, the long distance aspect is not strengthening your relationship; it's actually making the distance between you more evident.

Also, maybe you might want to ask her if there's something you did to greatly upset or offend her. Chances are if she's feeling hurt as a result of your behaviour, then she is wanting you to prove to her that you are willing to do everything in your power to make the change. Right now, she may not believe your words when you show remorse for her despair. If, however, the real issue is she's finding herself shifting in the relationship and it doesn't feel the same anymore, then and only then, you must realize there is nothing you can do to change this and the sooner you make a break from this relationship, the better off you'll be. Good luck!

Thanks for your answer. The distance thing has never been an issue we Skype at least once a day and text as well. As for our core interests we both love going out with friends partying and both love cars with our compromises being I love sports she loves shopping. Quite typical really. Up until this latest holiday things were amazing then the fights we had have put some bad seed in her head. She said she wants time to think but I don't know should I drop her a text everyday to let her know I'm here and make sure she doesn't forget about me?

"The distance thing has never been an issue" I would think it almost has to be an issue since you guys can't really get to know each other through texting or Skype. Relationships are difficult enough without adding the long distance apart thing.

What did you fight about the first 5 days of the holiday?

If you keep messaging her then she won't have the time she needs to process whatever feelings she is having now. Maybe managing this long distance relationship is just too much for her to handle.

She lived in Ireland for the first 8 months of the relationship so we got to know each other very well and only then decided to try the long distance thing once she had to move back home. Small things, like one of us taking a comment meant in a funny way too seriously and drink was involved the other times like one night she felt I was ignoring her so blew up at me. I messaged her yesterday explaining to her where I felt the issues were and how our fights came about and she replied last night we wished each other sweet dreams still using pet names and all that and have had no contact today, is this is good step forward? I know I've had time to think and I would like to make it work so should I give her the same opportunity to come to a conclusion in her own time by not contacting her?

No problem. If you genuinely think that it has nothing to do with her feeling a shift in the relationship (or the long distance thing for that matter), then perhaps there is something greater the two of you can work on. But until then, do not text her, do not call her, do not skype or fb her. She has requested space so do your best to respect that. She needs this time to clear the noise in her head and come to a sensible decision. She is probably torn because on one hand she cares about you, but on another she recognizes that things are changing whether she likes it or not and she is not sure what the solution should be to alter her thoughts.

And when I say core interests, I'm not talking hobbies, what foods you both like to eat or jokes you both find funny. What I'm taking about is fundamental issues... things that you discuss with one another that you agree upon and feel you're on the same page about. Things that will bind you for life and have you feel secure in the relationship. Money is a good example. Are you both spenders or savers? If you believe in saving up, paying bills on time, working hard to earn a nice living etc. while she loves shopping, doesn't really set a straight budget and ask others for free handouts without really paying anyone back, then you know that you don't share the same core issues and this will be something that will tear the relationship apart because you will always try to set boundaries on how the money should be spent, while she will think you're trying to control the relationship and not let her do what she pleases with her money. Does that make sense?

Or another issue is kids... do you believe in taking the same approach in raising a family? What if you're of a different religion than your girlfriend. Inevitably, you will fight over whether the kids should attend your church or hers (unless one of you is willing to compromise).

I'm not saying you're planning to marry her and this is what will happen if you continue to stay. But if you think about the future (I know it's hard for guys to do this but it works), and ask yourself if you did decide to go in that direction, would your foundation be the same when it comes to the more serious issues or will you always fight for what the other partner really wants? Relationships are about give and take and if one or both of us is unwilling to compromise or we find it rather difficult because we feel ourselves pulling away from who we truly are, then we're just hanging on to something that isn't mean to be. You want to be with someone who is in sync with you and vice versa. If not, you will always feel compelled to defend yourself when you're not in agreement with one another. That makes life harder than it needs to be.

You've struck a chord there. In the relationship I have all the money as she is in between jobs and the holiday we went on just recently I paid for all of it. I would be sensible when it comes to money except with her I don't mind starving if it means I've enough money for flights and spending money to travel to her. As for the marriage thing we've discussed it and we both want kids and we both want to live somewhere other than our home countries so there is equal compromise there.
Thanks for the assertive don'ts on the contacting front. I had a feeling I shouldn't but you've put it right in my head now, that could be crucial giving her this space and we all know the heart rules the head so a sneaky text or call can happen but I will be sure to wait for her to contact me.