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Does anyone agree with me...

I think my husband and I have been used by my daughter and son in law. This is because we thought we were being kind when she told us that she had left our son in law (her husband) and moved in with us along with her two children. Because we love her and our grandsons one of whom is autistic who is 7 and the other grandson is 1, we have let them live with us at no cost to our daughter for anything, including child care as she works a 12 hour day. We had been caring for the two boys since they were born every day apart from 7 months last year when the younger one was born and we traveled to Europe and our daughter, son in law and the children lived in our home for no charge, only to pay for their own bills. However when we returned our power had been disconnected as they had not paid the bill, which was a large sum of money. They also used and had an accident in our car and now we have bought a new car.

Prior to them living in our home, we had bought a home for them to live in and heavily subsidized their rent, as we had to ask them to give us a nominal amount per week as we had a mortgage over the home and paid the majority of the money for the loan. At one point a few years ago, our daughter, son in law and the elder boy disappeared from the home that we had bought for them, as my mother coerced them to live in her retirement village while she moved in with my brother as she wanted to cause trouble between my brother and his wife, which she did, as my brother is now divorced as a result of my mothers and brothers unusual close relationship.

At this time my mother and daughter used me as a scapegoat saying that I threw my daughter and her family out of the house we had bought for them. What they said about me was not true, and my daughter and her family were evicted from the retirement village as the village is for over 60s. So then they returned to the home we bought for them and we had to ask our tenant that we had leased the home to for commercial rent to leave. No one including my mother ever apologized for their behavior which was driven by free accommodation in a retirement village for our daughter and her family, and my other obsession with keeping my brother without a wife. We let this event go, but now we really believed our daughter was living with us and her children because she was separating from her husband. But her husband told me that now they have turned their marital home which they have recently bought, into an investment property, and that he is buying a new home for himself. He also told me that our daughter had told him not to tell us of these events.

I feel used as we thought that we were helping our daughter save for a deposit on a home for herself and her two children, so we have cared for all three f them for no cost for the past six months and apparently both her and her husband had the expectation that she and her children will live with us forever while her and her husband will buy more and more investment properties and we will care for the children 24/7 forever.

Our daughter says she looks forward to 20 years from now when her children are grown up and she can "relax". But she does not take into consideration that we will be very old or not even on this earth in twenty years time and we had not counted on raising our grandchildren in our retirement as we brought up three children. Our daughter does no washing, cooking or cleaning or caring for the children. She wakes up in the morning, smokes and had coffee then goes to work. We then give breakfast and dress the children and take the autistic boy to his special school. Then we look after the little one all day. We thought we were helping our daughter but it is now apparent that she is using us to further her financial interests only and her "ex husbands" financial interests, who she sees a lot of anyway.

You are definitely being used by a woman who doesn't want much to do with her children!
She can relax in "20 yrs"? Sounds like she is already "relaxing", doing nothing in your home, except as you said, drinking coffee and going to work.
I really don't know what I would do for sure, but can tell you that I would STOP keeping and taking care of the children, every day. She is using you for free babysitters, and "foster parents".
I would not blame you one little bit for telling her she has 30 days to take the children and find another place to live! With all her "investing", I am sure she can make it on her own. She will have to hire a good babysitter, and find someone to transport the other one to the special school. You have done more than enough for her, and now it's time for you to quit.
I do wish you the best, and hope you have a very Happy New Year, without all this stress, which you do not need. Life is too short!

Thank you fredg. Its good to be validated :)

You have availed yourself to being used and relied upon for years and not just in the last six months! You now see the results of your type of parental generosity! It does not make for an independent, respectful, considerate daughter in this case. How can you expect a daughter to stand on her own two feet when you have constantly availed yourself to keeping her as a spoilt child as to a responsible and appreciative adult etc!

Here with all your; “thought we were being kind… having let them live with us at no cost to our daughter for anything…”, “…we bought them a home…”, “We had been caring for the two boys since they were born…”, “We thought we were helping our daughter…” and so on, etc. etc. it has conditioned her and her husband to expect another 20 years of your service/use!

Nonetheless, she is capable of working a 12 hour day, so I'll give her 10 out of 10 for that as she does have to contend with a special needs child… All of which does present a struggle and an enormous amount of pressure on the best of us, regardless. I also see that, she and her husband are perhaps very financially shrewd to advance themselves with investment properties whilst supposedly separated and at no cost to your daughter?

Now Giedre, what say you allow your daughter to finally grow up and stop this; “we thought we were helping” chronicles? Here she can either move out or return to their marital home and take the financial loses. You on the other hand can occasionally baby-sit and enjoy the next 20 years as you are entitled!

Sadly I wager to guess when you say; “she does not take into consideration that we will be very old or not even on this earth in twenty years time…” that she does consider your estate value and assets when your are gone!

Thanks Angie 4124 for your reply. However we have three children and have given the same to each of them. The other two have never taken advantage of us. The others don't have children but totally love and spoil our two grandsons as well. Now our daughter has moved back to her marital home, came to visit yesterday and says that her husband is just the best and has found childminding for the children. Six months ago when she moved in, she said it was mainly because of her husbands aggressive attitude towards the autistic child and her. The aggressve and money hungry attitude of her husband is I guess the main reason for us having constantly supported our daughter for all this time.
When she first moved in six months ago, we thought that her motive was to separate from her husband, mainly because of his attitude and aggression to the autistic boy as this is what she told us. But as I posted earlier, it seems that she had a change of mind, as during the time she lived here, she either voluntarily or with coercion from her husband entered into financial investments with her earnings, while not contributing at all to anything here in the house. Her husband was here at Christmas and told us that our contribution of free childcare for all these years was irrelevant!
Yes, she works a lot, but while she was living here, she was angry at us if she arrived home and we hadn't bathed or given the chidren dinner.
So... now we think we have done her a favour as I told her that she has equal rights to the marital home and perhaps of her husband is aggressive and violent she should begin to look after herself and her children by putting him out of the house... then we can talk with her about what SHE wants to do.
But I know our grandsons will always love us, as especially the autistic one was very happy to see us, also his uncle, our other son who is very appreciative of everything we can give him because we can. Its just our daughter who has become very manipulative just like her husband.

You are letting her treat you this way. If you look after the grandkids, give her a place to live, pay for things, etc. etc. then you can't turn around and say you feel used. You're allowing yourself to be used.

If you don't like being used, then put an end to it. Don't take care of the grandkids anymore. Kick her out of your home. Stop paying for things. Let her sink or swim. But, if you continue to do these things then you have to suck it up, since that's your choice.

Dear Giedre,
Thank you for your post, providing a bit more background and update. You truly are a giving personality and blessed that your other children do not take advantage of you. But I hasten to remind you that the next 20 years should be for your enjoyment :)

I understand that during any separation; many things are said and done differently. Given that her husband is aggressive towards their autistic son is of no surprise to me. He struggles with this condition as a negative image of his making. These are delicate areas for some men and it presents itself through anger and aggression etc. when not dealt with in counselling or acceptance.

As mentioned; all of which does present a struggle and an enormous amount of pressure on the best of us, regardless.

Best of 2013 Giedre; hope I've been Helpful?
Regards Angie

Hey! Thank you to all of you:). I shall have to answer to others issues n this site :)

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I posted a few months ago to ask for suggestions for dealing with being used as a grandmother... under 'used'. And now I'm back with asking for any ideas as now our daughter has almost iced us out of her life and we hardly see our grandsons. I told her and her husband that we feel used and that we don't like random rudeness from both of them, but we of course would like to see our grandsons and daughter and to be on good terms. Since then our daughter was allowed one visit to our house lasting one hour with our grandsons by her husband. We have seen them twice since then, once a month in a restaurant but our daughter makes excuses so as not to visit. Does anyone think that now our daughter and son in law are being more abusive and controlling of us and do you agree with me that I should try and ignore their cold behaviour towards us. I thought I was being honest when I told them how I felt, but it seems to have made the situation worse. Any suggestions?

Hello again :)

One thing about ice Giedre is it melts on its own… So try to be patient and hold off on the honesty. Although I agree with you it is a form of punishment and manipulation that both of them display for their own agenda. Typically the game involves the grandsons and you're naturally affected by this. They know how to get to you.

Obviously the more you push to thaw this situation, the more Iced Out you'll become… It's not Polar capped by the sounds of it, but that's how manipulators work.

Furthermore you are aware and familiar; that using and random rudeness appear to be their behavioural traits and this won't be disappearing before the next Ice Age Movie.

Take Care – Angie