Hi.

I need advise. Wife cheated. Busy with divorce process. We tried fixing our marriage but she insisted she rather wants to be "left independent" while I must sit and wait until she is ready.

So I cut all ties. It took 5 months before no contact. During those 5 months I was OK. But now? Now I'm broken. I stopped exercising. My last friend got married to a crazy girl who told him he is not allowed to see me anymore.

So I don't have friends left. All I did for the last two weeks was drink, drugs and tried escaping from this reality. I stopped the drugs and drinking knowing it won't fix anything. But I'm overwhelmed. I can't stop crying. Even at work. I can't be around people. Im withdrawing. I have been here in this very position previously. Completely broken.

It took me 7 years to get over it. I am 30 years old. I can't spend another 7 years like this. I wasted enough time. But I can't get out of this hole. Im being dragged down. I have no control. No one to pick me up, help me out of this abyss of sorrow. I am quickly running out of options.

Overwhelmed by the notion of having to start over. Make new friends. Find a new GF / Wife. Everything was starting to come together in my life and in a flash everything just went back to square one.

Im losing myself,hope and fear. Right now there really is nothing left here for me. Nothing. I know I will get through it, well actually I just keep telling myself that. But to sit and be alone the whole time, no one to chill with, no one to relate with. Im not so sure anymore.

Tell us more about yourself, not her or anyone else. What are you like, who are you, your interests and work and how you grew up and what you do when you are OK?

Tell us more about yourself, not her or anyone else. What are you like, who are you, your interests and work and how you grew up and what you do when you are OK?

I went through tough times. Drug addiction, lost friends as in they died etc. took 7 years to get out. Got married. Life was good. Struggled with wife to get off drugs again. Got off. She left.

Friends moved. When life was good I hiked, spent most time outdoors. Exercised a lot. Worked on my own project. Was building a game. When she left I stopped everything. Started seeing other girls. Realized I want my wife. Begged her to come back. She did, on and off. Treated me like crap. So I cut ties. Spent the past 4 days doing drugs and nothing else. Crying.

I am starting exercising again today. I have to study as well. But I can't stop thinking about her. The last thing she said in person was "im doing this guy that has a massive dck"

So I left. But she phoned me on christmas. I told her don't contact me and hung up the phone.

I don't know. I love the outdoors and being fit and in shape. Despite that I keep finding myself want drugs, something to take this pain away but not even that is helping. Hence I'm going to start exercise again and pray that by some miracle I get to make new friends again. Somewhere. Somehow

I think it's a good sign that you hung up on her, Christmas or not.
What's the game you are building?
What drugs? Can you limit them to smoking a little pot?

I was using kat. Well it's a local name. Think its called methakathonine. It sucks. I can't smoke pot. It makes me paranoid.

I was building a game on PC, third person adventure game.

Now I'm considering starting at my childhood roots. Skateboarding again. Just scary going out, a 30 year old dude who can't skate / kids are going to mock me.

'Adventure' game to me means old fashioned text adventure a la Zork. Is that what you are working on?
Just laugh or say hey leave an old man alone if kids razz you.
Did meth make you unlikable? Is that why your wife cheated? Or did you just do it after you broke up?

Actually she was addicted to the drugs. I got addicted with her. It made me more sociable, likeable. You see... I hate nightclubs. I hate the robotic people. Drunks. She loved it. The drugs helped me "enjoy" the nightclubs a little more. Soon it became our thing. Do drugs, party. Its once I got her off the drugs and myself that crap hit the fan.

She told me, she cheated because she was high the entire time and when she sobered up she realized she didn't want to be married yet, and cheating was easier then telling me she wants a divorce. So she cheated so I would leave her. Oh yes she also said the only reason she married me, is because she just wanted to have her day in a wedding dress. But didn't really want the marriage part.

I believe her cause a few weeks ago she asked me to make her pregnant, she wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want the baby. I have to raise it alone. Lol.

The adventure game, is a third person game where you assume the role of the last remaining dragon. You have to survive the onslaught of villagers etc. It was nearing the 50% completion mark. Now it's a dead dream.

Fact is, she just isn't the person for me. She is a typical new age person believing its one life, be selfish, care for no one but yourself.

I sacrificed friends for her. I changed my life style. I changed my entire life to accommodate her. But you know. I wanted to. Now I'm stuck alone. And she refused to make any changes, in fact she insisted her friends mean more than me.

So we learn.

Odd relationship, an outdoorsy guy and a drug using clubber.
Join the AMC or Sierra Club or local group, whatever is around you. The AT goes right by where I live, and there are lots of rivers. I'm not athletic at all but have friends who are very active and they meet all kinds of good people.

Yip we were an odd couple. I loved every moment. Im joining a climbing and a trail running group. Already met 2 new people yesterday skateboarding.

There is hope after all. :)

Yes, get back into life. In my 30's, I white water rafted, was out roller skating with the teen agers, the issue is, you don't think or worry about what others think,

Yes, get back into life. In my 30's, I white water rafted, was out roller skating with the teen agers, the issue is, you don't think or worry about what others think,

Agreed. Hopefully the young kids can remind me life is to be enjoyed. Why I love skating. No concern if financial issues, family or friends. Just you and your board

Join a gym, try to meet someone the exact opposite of where u think u should.. and be happy you're rid of someone like that she sounds retched

"I have no control." - Bull crappies. You are choosing to have no control. You do have it and can use it, but you would have to want to be in control before you can use it.

You are overwhelmed by having no friends, no gf/wife, nothing to do, etc. Well you need to find these things and you need to find them now. Otherwise you will be doomed. - - - Does that make any sense? I hope not. Take the pressure off yourself. You don't need to have a wife this second, or a girlfriend, or a best friend. Let those things naturally happen and they will happen.

You need to take control and part of taking control is deciding to have a good day from the second you get up. I agree with what others have said. Join a gym, join a club, get back into sports, join a bowling league, etc. If you don't do these things, you are choosing to not have control and choosing for your life not to be better.

Second thing is to learn from this. Even if you have the best next girlfriend or wife, you both need friends of your own. Spending time with the same person all the time is not healthy.

Others have survived this and you will to. But you can do it the hard way or the easy way. It is totally in your control. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for the feedback. Oliver2011, I did join a running club. :)
New years was crap. I ended up partying until 6am and realized I'm over this. Over the party party generation.

Also, I paid and booked my exams upfront, so I'm studying. I also entered myself into plenty races through the year and paid all those upfront too!

Now I don't have a choice. There no refunds. Im training and studying. I visited an old friend last night, someone I actually met through my ex wife. It did me good. They are cool people. I respect that they don't chose sides in the matter. They were kind enough to tell me how many of my previous friends she has been sleeping with. Almost made it her mission to go and sleep with anyone I was acquainted to.

It gave me peace. I realized there and then, she isn't worth all this heart ache, she isn't worth losing control of my life. The wheel turns.

Im just going to focus on fitness and studying, and also on becoming a more likeable person. By that I mean, try and not say what's on my mind. Lol

Thanks for the feedback. Oliver2011, i did join a running club. :)
New years was crap. I ended up partying until 6am and realized im over this. Over the party party generation.

Also, i paid and booked my exams upfront, so im studying. I also entered myself into plenty races through the year and paid all those upfront too!

Now i dont have a choice. There no refunds. Im training and studying. I visited an old friend last night, someone i actually met through my ex wife. It did me good. They are cool people. I respect that they dont chose sides in the matter. They were kind enough to tell me how many of my previous friends she has been sleeping with. Almost made it her mission to go and sleep with anyone i was acquainted to.

It gave me peace. I realized there and then, she isnt worth all this heart ache, she isnt worth losing control of my life. The wheel turns.

Im just going to focus on fitness and studying, and also on becoming a more likeable person. By that i mean, try and not say whats on my mind. lol

"New years was crap." - So what. Today is January 3rd. That was two days ago. Leave it behind and stop focusing on the negatives. My New Year's Eve turned out HORRIBLE because of one of my friends and you know what - I don't care.

"I did join a running club." Fantastic. Finally a step forward. And I admire the people who do a running club. I run but only after I play tennis or racquetball and no more than 3 miles.

You are very welcome for the feedback. Too many times when something not so great happens to us we start focusing on the negatives in our life. Just remember you control whether you have a good day or bad day. If someone is mean to you, you control how you react to that. Given the choice of having a good or bad day, why not choose to have a good day every day? Think about it - it works!

Truth be told, I am regretting my rash decisions in my moment of sorrow. I joined the adventure racing club too, paid for my exams, paid for races.

Im so tired. All I do is work, get home, run, cycle, gym, study.
I don't think a lot about my ex wife anymore. I did see her with her new boyfriend in a fancy expensive car. Strangely I laughed and smiled. It gave me some peace.
Even though some nights I still cry a little and miss her dearly.

But damn I'm tired. Going from a chill I'm married and comfortable life... to a damn I'm training and studying my arse off life is a huge adjustment.

Fortunately, I'm happy to say even though I do crave the drugs every other day... I rather go jog. Besides... I need the money for traveling to my racing destinations.

truth be told, i am regretting my rash decisions in my moment of sorrow. I joined the adventure racing club too, paid for my exams, paid for races.

Im so tired. All i do is work, get home, run, cycle, gym, study.
I dont think a lot about my ex wife anymore. I did see her with her new boyfriend in a fancy expensive car. strangely i laughed and smiled. it gave me some peace.
Even though some nights i still cry a little and miss her dearly.

But damn im tired. Going from a chill im married and comfortable life... to a damn im training and studying my arse off life is a huge adjustment.

Fortunately, im happy to say even though i do crave the drugs every other day... i rather go jog. Besides... i need the money for traveling to my racing destinations.

"All i do is work, get home, run, cycle, gym, study." Okay now you're whining. Some people would call that a pretty gosh darn good life. Think about it. What if you didn't have a job. There would be no cycling, gym, studying, etc. Count your blessings man! There are a ton of people less fortunate than a lot of us.

"strangely i laughed and smiled. it gave me some peace." - Not a bad reaction at all. Unfortunately you cannot control what she does or how she feels. But you do control how you react to it and that wasn't a bad reaction at all.

You are moving your life forward which is cool. I don't have any experience with drug use but I would rather exercise than do most stuff. Good luck!

Thanks.
Yip... my one mate said the one day, its not my ex wife that disappoints me, its me disappointing myself for believing she would change. Things would change.

Actually I am very stoked, happy and grateful for what I have. Im also on a logical level very thankful for my ex wife's actions. If I look at there family, her mom cheated and got divorced. Now her mom is sleeping with her boss. The boss's wife is bed ridden, sick and busy dying. Some disease where you muscles stop working.

My ex wife justified her moms actions saying there's nothing wrong considering the wife of the boss can't move. Wife's sister left her 7 year relationship boyfriend because the other guy had more money.

Now my ex wife is also with a guy with more money. Their family to me... seems broken. As such, I'm grateful it happened now, and not 7 years - 20 years from now. :)

thx.
yip... my one mate said the one day, its not my ex wife that disappoints me, its me disappointing myself for believing she would change. Things would change.

Actually i am very stoked, happy and grateful for what i have. Im also on a logical level very thankful for my ex wife's actions. If i look at ther family, her mom cheated and got divorced. Now her mom is sleeping with her boss. The boss's wife is bed ridden, sick and busy dying. Some disease where you muscles stop working.

My ex wife justified her moms actions saying theres nothing wrong considering the wife of the boss can't move. Wife's sister left her 7 year relationship bf because the other guy had more money.

Now my ex wife is also with a guy with more money. Their family to me... seems broken. As such, im grateful it happened now, and not 7 years - 20 years from now. :)

AAAANNNNNDDDDDDD - This time around be more choosey and don't have blinders on when it comes to picking a partner. Also, work on yourself a little bit before jumping back in. Make sure you are content and happy and that will allow your next partner to add to that and not be that. Congrats man - you will be fine.

Hi again.
Don't know where else to turn... but lately I'm not coping. I have fallen into a depression and I'm not getting out of it. It started about 2 weeks ago after my 1st 125km adventure race. I got really sick, and then it just happened.

Since then I have been crying every single night. My friends are busy, no time for me. I try to keep busy... go run and train but I'm sick again. I think the depression is lowering my immune system cause its not natural to get sick this often.

Not sure if I should ask for anti depressants but I can't do this. Its so painful. Suddenly I can't stop thinking about my ex wife. Im missing her so much... its eating me up. I don't have energy for my job, hobbies, training or anything.

I just get home and lie here on my bed 2 weeks straight now. Sleep on weekends. What can I do... how do I fix this. I can't stand feeling like this. Everything was starting to look OK, positive. But now... now its unbearable. Its gotten so bad I can't even socialize properly. I keep going to dark depressing topics... and understandably its annoying for others.

I'm even more down today... I met a girl. Beautiful. We share so many interests. Turns out like all the women I meet they are not interested in anything but sex. You see... my ex wife warned me the day I started showing interest, that she isn't looking for something serious. But we fell in love. And now here I am again.

Faced with this issue. A girl, visually stunning, I mean really gorgeous. And she won't mind sex. But I know myself and I will fall in love. I always do... so I have to walk away.

Brave new world

i'm even more down today... i met a girl. Beautiful. We share so many interests. Turns out like all the women i meet they are not interested in anything but sex. You see... my ex wife warned me the day i started showing interest, that she isn't looking for something serious. But we fell in love. And now here i am again.

Faced with this issue. a girl, visually stunning, i mean really gorgeous. And she wont mind sex. But i know myself and i will fall in love. I always do... so i have to walk away.

Brave new world

"Turns out like all the women i meet they are not interested in anything but sex." SO WHAT? If that is not what you want say no. If you wouldn't mind it, say yes and then good-bye. These are little issues. Get down when you have a big issue.

Look dude, some people just like feeling bad for themselves and maybe you are one of them. I rather look at the positive things in life and in my life. Count your many blessings because one day they might not be there.

What is wrong with just getting to know a girl and be their friend? You don't have to fall in love with every single one you meet. If you do then I am doubting you know what true love is.

What do you enjoy doing? Do you have any hobbies? Can you volunteer with a charity you support? I think you need to take your mind off dating and a relationship and just get out there doing stuff.

What do you enjoy doing? Do you have any hobbies? Can you volunteer with a charity you support? I think you need to take your mind off of dating and a relationship and just get out there doing stuff.

You should read our other posts to see we have suggested that over and over again. I really think he won't be happy unless he waits for her return text saying she wants him. You and I know that isn't the right solution but still, he should.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/right-decision-445916-10.html

Look at this person's last text yesterday where she came back 2 years later and thanked everyone for encouraging her to move on. And now look at what she has:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/right-decision-445916-10.html

I appreciate the input really I do. Its just not that simple. It will take time, all hopes and dreams, the possible future, ideals and everything was torn away.
I try to get out there doing stuff, but I get sick every week. Dr reckons it's the depression breaking my immune system.

The happy pills are almost working. I have moments that I'm not consumed by this sorrow.
And my mind is not making it easy to just move on.

I fully agree to forget about all relationships. But its so hard after having spent the past 4 - 5 years every single day with my old partner. That's a minimum of 1460 uninterrupted days with someone. Gone. It's a difficult adjustment.

"Turns out like all the women i meet they are not interested in anything but sex." SO WHAT? If that is not what you want say no. If you wouldn't mind it, say yes and then good-bye. These are little issues. Get down when you have a big issue.
.

It's a huge issue. Not small. Its not the sex, it's the concept that if every single women out there I meet is like this, then it would imply I will forever be alone. That is what's breaking me. I don't mind the sex, its just so sad thinking that that's all there will ever be in this life. Mindless empty relations with no substance.

It's not a big issue. It's a big issue because you are making it a big issue. If you don't want that then don't do that. If you want it then do it. It is just that easy. If you are meeting women in bars and clubs then probably a good portion just want sex. But if you are meeting women other places, such as a house of worship, I would tend to believe that they aren't looking for that. Everything in your relationships end up as big issues when they don't have to be. Too much drama and only you has the power to change that.

I am going to be blunt. It is your CHOICE what you do to get better. You can decide to get help or work on things yourself or you can do nothing and let things stay as they are. You are focusing all your energy on being in a relationship. Fix yourself and be happy with yourself and you never know what will happen.

Right now I can hear you how dare she say that. Doesn't she know I am suffering and things are out of control? I can say that as I went through it. Not the same things but the same thought process.

I was a self injurer, suicidal, depressed and saying I was stuck and could not do anything to get better. I was on medications lots of them to help with the self harm and the suicidal thoughts. I was on sleeping pills to sleep. They helped a bit as I had no positive coping mechanisms. My last hospitalization I asked about a therapy program I had heard about for people with my mental illness. I was put on a waiting list and accepted into the program.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. They challenged my thoughts and taught me how to handle everyday life. I felt like quitting plenty of time. I got willful plenty of times. How dare they tell me that, don't they know I am hurting? My situation is different, I can't do this it is too hard etc etc. When I even look back at my posts from when I started here until now I am shocked at the change. Just working on myself and working towards a life worth living has made such a change in my life.

Is everything perfect now? NO. I still have to use my skills daily. I still have bad days. I am now looking at either going into a new program to help with figuring out what thoughts I have are judgements and what are truths. I will keep searching to become a better person for myself well and my pets too :)

I challenge you to take one task you want to accomplish. Don't make it a huge task, start small. Break that task into the smallest steps. Work on the steps one at a time. Do this in wise mind with no judgments attached.

Also ask your doctor for referrals to self help groups, therapy, or a therapist. Tell them your issues and work with them on a treatment plan.

Thanks guys and girls. I'm still struggling but absorbing your input. The medication is helping and also it turned out the girl who wanted to have casual sex, well it turns out when she found out about my issues we sort of formed a bond... or perhaps the start of a friendship.

She is also struggling with depression, and we decided sex isn't wise.
I have my goals... finish my exams and win a race. I will try and keep focused but so far I'm not getting anything done and I should allow myself 1 more month to feel sorry for myself at the most.

I was truly puzzled by your claim that women only want sex. I wonder what planet you live on? Maybe this is an intergalactic site.

I mean really, where have you BEEN? Women the world over are the ones claiming it's MEN who only want sex. How many close relationships have you had with women?

I guess it's moot now, because this new person doesn't want sex, is depressed like you, is beautiful - just beware and take it slowly.
It's the most delicate high tightrope walk in the world, being glad to know someone and yet not leap in to the deep end (sorry for mixing metaphors) too soon. Be glad. And tell her to tell you if you are going too fast.

"but so far im not getting anything done and i should allow myself 1 more month to feel sorry for myself at the most."

I don't agree. I think you should allow yourself 18 years, 7 months, 22 days, and 16 hours more to feel sorry for yourself. Only that way will you truly be miserable, which if you look at everything you have posted, must be your ultimate and only goal.

I was truly puzzled by your claim that women only want sex. I wonder what planet you live on? Maybe this is an intergalactic site.

I mean really, where have you BEEN? Women the world over are the ones claiming it's MEN who only want sex. How many close relationships have you had with women?

I guess it's moot now, because this new person doesn't want sex, is depressed like you, is beautiful - just beware and take it slowly.
It's the most delicate high tightrope walk in the world, being glad to know someone and yet not leap in to the deep end (sorry for mixing metaphors) too soon. Be glad. And tell her to tell you if you are going too fast.

Thank you. I don't think anything more than friendship will ever happen. If we ever manage to foster a friendship.

I don't know. Perhaps I just meet all the damaged girls who just came out of relationship or is unhappy in their current relationship. Or perhaps its because I blatantly ask, hey do you want to have sex, and its surprising how many of them say yes.

I think the world has warped a little to be honest. Just 2 weeks ago a friend of my friend offered herself to me if I help her with a project. Its strange. So I'm not exaggerating. I think it's the city life... everyone is disconnected or perhaps just been hurt so many times they no longer value intimacy. I don't know.

And oliver. Truth is, healing is a process. One has to accept that there must be a period of feeling sorry for yourself. Since I accepted this fact I feel more capable of managing the emotions because I know soon it will pass.

"And oliver. Truth is, healing is a process. One has to accept that there must be a period of feeling sorry for yourself. Since i accepted this fact i feel more capable of managing the emotions because i know soon it will pass."

Bull crappies! You know I don't live that way nor do I buy that. So you woke up this morning and said "I am going to feel sad today and feel sorry for myself." YUCK! That is a horrible way to start the day. I would rather wake up and tell myself that I am going to have a good day. And then I make it a good day.

It doesn't work like that. You can tell yourself every single day I am going to have a good day... but that only lasts for so long. You see I came to realize its like reading a chapter in a book. This chapter was so good, that you can't stand reading the rest of the book. So you keep reading it over and over, even though it will never ever be the same again, you have to keep reading it until you are so sick and tired of it, that you are fully ready to enjoy the rest of the book.

Well it makes sense to me. But I did try that whole thing of telling myself I will have a great day. It works to a degree but its so draining that soon you are sucked into this hole of self despair without even realizing what's going on.

But if you just accepted that its part of the process, accepting it and allowing yourself to grieve, then the healing process will be quicker as opposed to acting tough.

My divorce was final 8Feb. That is 1 month, 1 week and a few days ago.
I do not expect to be happy already. Its 4 - 5 years of the perfect life, gone... ripped away and destroyed. I will get over it. But the time isn't right yet.

You and I will agree to disagree, which means you stay sad and I stay happy. Personally I am okay with being happy.

Lol, if you can get over a divorce in 1 month, then congrats. I cant.

. I have given you good advice and I will be honest I was at the spot you are at. No matter what anyone tells you, you will stay where you are until YOU DECIDE to work on change.
It is up to you what you do in your life. It does not get better when you are willful. I am speaking from experience. I wish you good luck on whatever you decide to do.

I hope you see the main thought I am giving you: It is your choice what you do to get better or to stay as you are. No one can help you if you decide you want to stay there. You have all the choices in this matter.