My son is 41 years old. His father walked out of our lives when he was young. My son got into drugs and drinking. I sent him to a teen challenge place when he was 17. He graduated from job corp. When he was in his 20's and seemed to be getting his life together his girl friend of about 3 years was shot and killed in the car he was driving by a guy that was drunk and got bored of shooting cans and shot at their car.

Many years later He married a gal that was not much more stable than he was. They had 3 children together. His second child died at 3 months due to being severely sick when she was born. My son was so angry all the time he would go to bars and get in fights. He was arrested from a bar fight and was bleeding from a cut. He told the cop that he had AIDS (untrue). This was a threat on a police officer and he was sent to prison for almost a year. His third child was born while he was in prison.

ONce out he did not do good for several years. He lost his the right to see his children when he and his wife divorced because he did not show up for the hearing. (I only get to see the children now because of grandparents rights). My son is now remarried and has a four year old son. He no longer drugs or drinks. He has Krohns disease and trying to get on disability. His wife works but does not make enough to support them.

In about the last four years, the only time I hear from my son is when he wants money. I made the mistake of giving him money (he has never repaid any of it). I gave him this money behind my husband, his step-fathers back. They do not get along because of past history. Mostly my son stealing from us when he was on drugs. I am now in debt and am trying to pay off credit cards that were racked up because of my son.

I am trying to say no to money. But it wrenches my heart. They again have to leave where they are staying and don't know what they are going to do. His wife left me a message and wanted to come here and stay. My husband would never allow it and I know my son would not want to do that either. Most of the time when my son does call for money, he makes up some horrible story.

I have been better at telling him I don't have the money but I feel so guilty and responsible that they don't have a place to live. How do I get and keep the courage to say no. What about my four year old grandson. I am so depressed and stressed. My health is not good and I know this is not helping. I am 59 and can not take this much longer. I have no one I can talk to. Please give me some advice.

At this point in his life, you have done all you can do for him. He is an adult now and it is time for him to sink or swim on his own. You cannot keep feeling responsible for him anymore. For him to keep asking you for money and keep putting you in that spot is wrong. He realizes that you will give it to him and you are enabling him.

You can't keep carrying him and his family. It is time that he needs to take some responsibility and stop depending on you to always save him. It really sounds more like he is just using you at this point. Just stay firm and tell him that you have no more to give. You are broke from giving him too much already and you simply have no more.

You need to recognize that you aren't dealing with a child, but a mature adult man. You need to explain to him exactly how far into debt you are and why you are in that debt - because you've given him money you did not have to give for many years, to save him and give him another chance many times over.

At this point, he may need to apply for wellfare, which is available to parents with minor children. He may need to take a job that's not what he wants to do - perhaps two such jobs. He may need to declare bankruptcy. There are a lot of things he will have to consider, and he has to know that whatever needs doing is on the table even if it's unappealing, embarrassing or whatever. He may be turned down for disability - most people do the first and sometimes the second time. He will have to appeal the decision and fight for it.

As for you, your child is no longer a minor and you do not qualify for any aid for dependent children. You are not disabled so you do not qualify for that type of income either. You have less time to recover from bankruptcy or save for retirement than does your son. No financial advisor in the world would tell you or your son that borrowing money so you can lend it, even to your own child, makes any sense at all.

You should not feel guilty for not giving what you do not have. Your son should feel guilty for asking. His wife, also. They will have to reduce their living expenses or find more money from their own efforts. As you well know, if you give them money this month, they will just need more money next month - nothing will change.

If you want to help the grandson, you could offer to become temporary guardian of your grandson if you have the resources and desire to take care of him while his parents get their act together. There is no way, however, that you should let your son and his wife move in, nor give them money. They will figure something other than you out if for not other reason than, if you tell them the truth that you can no longer give them money, they are going to simply have no choice but to find another means to support their family.

You have to learn that your son is an adult, and every choice he's made in his life, was his choice, and his alone.

I think you give him money because you somehow feel guilty because of the path he took. That wasn't your fault. As parents we can only raise them, and hope for the best. Once they become adults, the choices they make are their own.

Frankly, he made his bed, so let him lay in it. That's the only way he'll learn, and it's about time he learned, he's in his 40's, not a child.

I do have to say, disability for krohns? Seriously? Your son is one lazy bugger. My cousin has severe krohns and works 10 hours a day 6 days a week. What a poor excuse to be lazy and let mommy, or the everyone else, take care of you. This son of yours needs to become a man, and it's long past due.