My parents raised me and my sister using spankings. Althogh my sister have no problem with this today I have difficult to forgive my parents for spanking me. Beside the terrible stinging and pain it was incredibly humiliating, particularly when I grew older. Putting the spankings aside they did give us both lot of love and care. But due to the spankings (some were more terrible than other) I have very difficult forgiving them. It left a scar that I always will carry with me. I do want to love my parents and I do want to be able to forgive them. Will I be able to do this? Anyone else who have difficult to forgive the spankings? How do you cope with it?

How old are you now?

How old are you now?

I'm 29.

First, let's go back in history a bit and puzzle this out. Why did your parents use spankings as a discipline?

First, let's go back in history a bit and puzzle this out. Why did your parents use spankings as a discipline?

Well, obviously they believd in it. I am not sure why though.

Were they spanked or even beaten when they were growing up? (That was often the easy way to discipline back then.)

It is a normal method of punishment for kids, why is it bothering you? At 29, a large majority of kids were given spankings when they did not behave properly.

Sorry but this to me is just silly, if it is a issue, then perhaps counseling.

While too many liberal ( I will not use a word progressive) seem to think it is wrong, it is a very Biblical, and very good method of correcting a child when they misbehave when done correctly.

Were they spanked or even beaten when they were growing up? (That was often the easy way to discipline back then.)

Yes, they were. In particular my mother was raised very strictly.

Actually, it isn't Biblical, but a verse is interpreted that way.

Were/Are your parents religious?

It is a normal method of punishment for kids, why is it bothering you? At 29, a large majority of kids were given spankings when they did not behave properly.

Sorry but this to me is just silly, if it is a issue, then perhaps counseling.

While too many liberal ( I will not use a word progressive) seem to think it is wrong, it is a very Biblical, and very good method of correcting a child when they misbehave when done correctly.

I guess there can be some differences in the degree of severity and humiliation, right? If the spankings had been less severe maybe I would feel different.

Actually, it isn't Biblical, but a verse is interpreted that way.

Were/Are your parents religious?

Yes, they are.

Yes, they were. In particular my mother was raised very strictly.
So this method of discipline was all they knew, and they decided it had worked for them (they turned out to be good adults), so it certainly would be a good thing to spank their children.

AND no one had ever taught them a gentler or more reasonable way to discipline a child. Right?

Are we on the same page so far, you and I?

So this method of discipline was all they knew, and they decided it had worked for them (they turned out to be good adults), so it certainly would be a good thing to spank their children.

AND no one had ever taught them a gentler or more reasonable way to discipline a child. Right?

Are we on the same page so far, you and I?

They did became good adults, yes, but also the methods of raisining with spankings had also started to be criticized. I know they did reject any thoughts of trying other methods for raising children.

They did became good adults, yes, but also the methods of raisining with spankings had also started to be criticized. I know they did reject any thoughts of trying other methods for raising children.
And that was (and still is) true pretty much throughout the Christian community (I'm guessing religious = Christian), and especially among parents in the fundamentalist/conservative Christian community. Why throw out what works?

We are still together, you and I?

And that was (and still is) true pretty much throughout the Christian community (I'm guessing religious = Christian), and especially among parents in the fundamentalist/conservative Christian community. Why throw out what works?

We are still together, you and I?

Does it work if it leads to that the child loses the love and faith for the parents?
But OK, they didn't know this was going to happen. However they did know that spanikng became subject for criticism and they did never stop and think if there were reasons for the criticism or not.

Does it work if it leads to that the child loses the love and faith for the parents?
I too was spanked as a child and finally, once I understood why and the historical/religious reason for spanking, I was able to forgive my mom (who did all the spanking). Plus, she and her sibs had been beaten with a belt (in the name of Jesus), so I figured she must have softened by the time she had kids. A friend used to put a dot on the wall at her child's eye level, and he had to stand on tiptoes with his nose pressed to that dot for however long his mom demanded. If he couldn't manage the dot punishment, worse would happen. Corporal punishment (spankings, slaps, palms whacked with rulers) were the norm in religious schools (and may even be today). I know this is/was true in Lutheran schools, since I had been a student and later was a teacher.

So what will help you forgive?

But ok, they didn't know this was going to happen. However they did know that spanikng became subject for criticism and they did never stop and think if there were reasons for the criticism or not.
If the Bible was their guiding light and they believed that the Bible supports spankings, then no matter what the psychologists or parenting community says, your parents (religious parents) would dismiss any other discipline as just another modern fad.

I too was spanked as a child and finally, once I understood why and the historical/religious reason for spanking, I was able to forgive my mom (who did all the spanking). Plus, she and her sibs had been beaten with a belt (in the name of Jesus), so I figured she must have softened by the time she had kids. A friend used to put a dot on the wall at her child's eye level, and he had to stand on tiptoes with his nose pressed to that dot for however long his mom demanded. If he couldn't manage the dot punishment, worse would happen. Corporal punishment (spankings, slaps, palms whacked with rulers) were the norm in religious schools (and may even be today). I know this is/was true in Lutheran schools, since I had been a student and later was a teacher.

So what will help you forgive?

This is what I am looking for, an answer to what can help me forgive (trust me, I want to). Perhaps I was spanked more severely than you were, I don't know but let me tell about what I went through:
- They did spank me until age 16, always on naked buttocks. The humiliation of being spanked over parents knees at this age is just incredible.
- They did spank me in front of another girl once when I was 14.
- Although most spankings were given with hand or wooden hairbrush, a few spankings were given with a birch rod and I can tell you this stings billion of times more than a spanking given with hand or hairbrush. Also it leaves marks that lasts for more than a week. Even if their daughter peed her pants of fear when seeing the birch rod this didn't stop them from whipping her buttocks until she couldn't sit.

If they had stopped spankings at lower age, if the spankings were less severe and not given on bare buttocks I may not have had any problems att all with spankings. But these memories have left a scar that I don't know how to overcome.

I think you are being unduly influenced by a school of thought that says corporal punishment is bad. The problem is not your parents, they did no wrong. They loved you and part of that love was disciplining you when you did wrong. They chose a form of discipline that was socially acceptable at the time you were a child. It was only towards the end of your childhood that it became less socially acceptable and there is still considerable debate about that.

In my opinion the problem lies with you and YOU need to get over it. You may need professional help to get over it, but its your issue. Not theirs. If corporal punishment had not become socially unacceptable (at least in some circles) then you would not have these feelings.

Do you have children? If so, how do you discipline them?

I think you are being unduly influenced by a school of thought that says corporal punishment is bad. The problem is not your parents, they did no wrong. They loved you and part of that love was disciplining you when you did wrong. They chose a form of discipline that was socially acceptable at the time you were a child. It was only towards the end of your childhood that it became less socially acceptable and there is still considerable debate about that.

IMHO the problem lies with you and YOU need to get over it. You may need professional help to get over it, but its your issue. Not theirs. If corporal punishment had not become socially unacceptable (at least in some circles) then you would not have these feelings.

Such B---S--- I haven't read for a long time. If you consider those types of spankings that I described as normal corrections you are a sick pervert. I never undestood until later that spankings was being questioned but I felt very abused from the very beginning.

Do you have children? If so, how do you discipline them?

I don't have children yet. If I have children I will do my best to avoid spankings. Depending on situations maybe I will feel that a spanking is warrented but those spankings will definitely be far from what I described.

I don't have children yet. If I have children I will do my best to avoid spankings. Depending on situations maybe I will feel that a spanking is warrented but those spankings will definitely be far from what I described.
Now is the time to get your child-discipline ducks in a row. Your parents did only what they knew how to do, just like my mom for us. The old saying with corporal punishment was "beat the devil out of that kid." And when that kid grows up to be a decent adult, the elders can smile and say, "See, it worked."

I'd suggest no spankings at all. They only teach a child that an adult can hit him but the child can't hit back. Even babies and toddlers can be disciplined without spankings. ***ADDED*** Parents have to make an effort to out-think the child and even move their own bodies to prevent a disaster or wrongdoing, rather than spank or slap or arm-jerk as a quick reaction after the child has committed the "crime" (i.e. it's less work to smack after the fact than make an effort to prevent).

Such B---S--- I haven't read for a long time. If you consider those types of spankings that I described as normal corrections you are a sick pervert. I never undestood until later that spankings was being questioned but I felt very abused from the very beginning.

Excuse me? Where did I say they were normal corrections? Also, you posted a more detailed description while I was composing my response so I didn't see it.

But you are missing the point. In some households what you described, while extreme, was still socially acceptable AT THAT TIME. Your parents did what they were taught was a valid form of discipline (though a father pulling down a 16 yr old's pants does border on sexual abuse). Their actions need to be taken in the context of the environment.

Liken it to slavery. During much of human history slavery was a perfectly accepted institution. It is only in the last 400 years, that society has realized it is wrong. So should people who kept slaves prior to the early 18th century be vilified for doing what was an acceptable practice? Not in my opinion.

By the same token, you need to view your parents actions in the context of when and why.

I do not know the extent of these spankings, but if it wasn't really abusive you should try to let it go. Spanking was a very normal way to punish a child, it is frowned upon now, but I bet if I had a child they'd get spanked once or twice. You could look at it this way, be thankful.
1. Your parents cared enough to discipline you. I'm sure that you've seen children that haven't been disciplined enough or at all, if you haven't they are a nightmare to be around. They wanted you to grow up knowing right from wrong.
2. My boyfriend's dad-there's a situation that was bad. My boyfriend as a child was beat. There were times where he'd get literally knocked across the room. Punched in the face once even. And the sad thing is he wasn't a bad kid, no more so than most kids anyway. He would also get in trouble because of his sister. His dad was abusive.

I don't know, but judging by your description I don't think you were abused. There could be something bothering you that's deeper though. Perhaps you should see a phsychatrist, or phsycholigist, sorry I forget which ones which. But it could help you, it feels good to let stuff out to someone that won't judge you and they could make you see things in a different light.
Love your parents, it sucks not having a mom or a dad, believe me I know

Excuse me? Where did I say they were normal corrections? Also, you posted a more detailed description while I was composing my response so I didn't see it.

But you are missing the point. In some households what you described, while extreme, was still socially acceptable AT THAT TIME. Your parents did what they were taught was a valid form of discipline (though a father pulling down a 16 yr old's pants does border on sexual abuse). Their actions need to be taken in the context of the environment.

Liken it to slavery. During much of human history slavery was a perfectly accepted institution. It is only in the last 400 years, that society has realized it is wrong. So should people who kept slaves prior to the early 18th century be vilified for doing what was an acceptable practice? Not in my opinion.

By the same token, you need to view your parents actions in the context of when and why.

OK, I need to apologize here. I thought you had read my description of how I was punished and that you didn't find anything remarkable about it. So again, apologize for this. But I am not so sure it was so accepteble to spank a 16 year old girl on bare buttocks 13 years ago. I didn't know anyone else in my age who was still spanked at that time. When I was younger I had several friends who were spanked. But only a few slaps and mostly on underwear and not on bare skin. Have a birch rod ever been considered acceptable the last 100 years?

Yes, I know my parents did love me and did want me to learn what was right or wrong. But it's extremely difficult for me to approve the methods used even if was some years ago.

I do not know the extent of these spankings, but if it wasn't really abusive you should try to let it go. Spanking was a very normal way to punish a child, it is frowned upon now, but I bet if I had a child they'd get spanked once or twice. You could look at it this way, be thankful.
1. Your parents cared enough to discipline you. I'm sure that you've seen children that haven't been disciplined enough or at all, if you haven't they are a nightmare to be around. They wanted you to grow up knowing right from wrong.
2. My boyfriend's dad-there's a situation that was bad. My boyfriend as a child was beat. There were times where he'd get literally knocked across the room. Punched in the face once even. And the sad thing is he wasn't a bad kid, no more so than most kids anyway. He would also get in trouble because of his sister. His dad was abusive.

I don't know, but judging by your description I don't think you were abused. There could be something bothering you thats deeper though. Perhaps you should see a phsychatrist, or phsycholigist, sorry I forget which ones which. But it could help you, it feels good to let stuff out to someone that won't judge you and they could make you see things in a different light.
Love your parents, it sucks not having a mom or a dad, believe me I know

So you don't find spanking with birch rod abusive? Nor spanking a 16 year old girl on bare buttocks? Nor spanking a teenage girl in front of others?
A psycholigist might be a good idea though.

Out of curiosity, do you have a brother named Jonathan?

OK, I need to apologize here. I thought you had read my description of how I was punished and that you didn't find anything remarkable about it.

Yes, I know my parents did love me and did want me to learn what was right or wrong. But it's extremely difficult for me to approve the methods used even if was some years ago.

Apology accepted. I probably should have added some comment after reading your description.

Its hard to answer here because I don't know a lot of details. Whether you lived in an urban or rural area. How large or small the community was, what type of church your parents attended, etc. Not that I'm asking for those details, just that they have a bearing on how much your parents thought this was acceptable.

Have you spoken to them about your feelings? Maybe with a counselor? Its very possible they understand now that they went overboard and may want to express their regrets or even make amends.

I just still have a hard time justifying a split with your parents over this. Yes it should be something to be dealt with. But you should be able to forgive them.

Can I add here?

I'm 46 now. When I was a kid, I was spanked nearly every day. Sometimes more often. My father was extremely strict and didn't take any crap and I mean any. If he was watching something and I was just being a normal 8 year old kid playing but I disturbed him... it was over. I do know that sometimes I guess I deserved it but looking back, I know that most of the time I did not. Most of the time it was just my father taking his frustration out on me. His frustration at work, his frustration and anger at my mother (they were divorced and he wasn't happy about it)... they all became my problem when he got mad. The man used his hand. He used his belt. He used wooden spoons. I had it all.

I was bitter about it for a long time but I look back at it and I see a man that just didn't have any control over himself or his life and didn't know how to handle it. I see a very sad man and I almost feel sorry for him. I've gotten over it. Once I realized why it was going on, I was able to understand it more. It doesn't make it right, but I understand and am able to get past it.

I also learned from it. I believe it has made me a better parent. I have only spanked my daughter 3 times ever and these were severe circumstances where she needed to have a touch of reality. I learned not to take my frustrations out on my daughter. I learned that she is not a tool to make myself feel like I have some control over my life.

I hope you can understand what I'm saying here and maybe look at it like I do and find your way to forgiving your parents.

Good luck.

Can I add in here?

I'm 46 now. When I was a kid, I was spanked nearly every day. Sometimes more often. My father was extremely strict and didn't take any crap and I mean any. If he was watching something and I was just being a normal 8 year old kid playing but I disturbed him...it was over. I do know that sometimes I guess I deserved it but looking back, I know that most of the time I did not. Most of the time it was just my father taking his frustration out on me. His frustration at work, his frustration and anger at my mother (they were divorced and he wasn't happy about it)...they all became my problem when he got mad. The man used his hand. He used his belt. He used wooden spoons. I had it all.

I was bitter about it for a long time but I look back at it and I see a man that just didn't have any control over himself or his life and didn't know how to handle it. I see a very sad man and I almost feel sorry for him. I've gotten over it. Once I realized why it was going on, I was able to understand it more. It doesn't make it right, but I understand and am able to get past it.

I also learned from it. I believe it has made me a better parent. I have only spanked my daughter 3 times ever and these were severe circumstances where she needed to have a touch of reality. I learned not to take my frustrations out on my daughter. I learned that she is not a tool to make myself feel like I have some control over my life.

I hope you can understand what I'm saying here and maybe look at it like I do and find your way to forgiving your parents.

Good luck.

Well, I admit that reading this gave me something to think about. I'm so sorry that you were abused too but I was impressed reading how you got over with it and learned from it. But you are still much older so perhaps I will get over it as well in a few year. It still hurts to remember but I think I may learn something from your.

Well, I admit that reading this gave me something to think about. I'm so sorry that you were abused too but I was impressed reading how you got over with it and learned from it. But you are still much older so perhaps I will get over it as well in a few year. It still hurts to remember but I think I may learn something from your.

I'm glad I was able to give you something to think about and maybe help you. If it matters, it did take me a while to deal with it but I would say that it probably was around your age, maybe a few years younger that I was able to look at it all objectively.

Good luck to you and I hope you learn to deal with this.