I get rape victims can have issues so men say they will stay away from one. I got raped twice in my teens. I grew up in a city where there were a lot of gangs and Im not going into it how it happened, and I am not seeking attention or anything. I didn't put myself in those situations.

The most common issues with rape victims in relationships are being closed off, not liking sex, being clingy and overly emotional. When I was in my early 20's I had some issues with the first one and a little of the last one, so dating didn't work when I tried. However I feel after therapy and tons of self help within the past few years I don't display issues and have overcome a lot of things.

I started dating two years ago and I am 24, so I am kind of inexperienced I guess, but I don't close off to the men I date. I wouldn't say Im overly emotional nor have I ever been called draining. I have an easy going personality and my friends describe me as the fun smart girl. I don't jump into bed with a guy but I don't dislike sexual contact. I have done everything but sex with a few men that I dated for awhile and was actually willing to sleep with one before he lost interest. I actually crave physical contact when I go through dry spells and masterbate about every other day so I doubt I have an unhealthy sex drive. Whenever I think about my past, I keep it inside and don't take it out on others. I actually don't talk about it to anyone so I don't use a partner as a therapist.

Im saying all of this trying to figure out what's wrong with me, because still a lot of men have been turned off when I have mentioned it or they found out through other means. Not one guy, but three guys over the past 2 years. These were guys I had been dating for a few months with possible potential for a relationship. This was even after they saw I didn't display issues while dating and I acted like any other girl. Why? I don't get it? Are there any nonjudgmental open minded people out there? I posted this on loveshack.org and the vast majority of men said they felt sorry for me but don't care how I acted theyd never want to date me because Id be a volcano waiting to explode. Rape is pretty common and Im sure they've been around women they liked that were raped in the past and they didn't know it.

Everyone has baggage- so I am automatically outcasted by the male population but my female friend who has commitment issues due to being dumped hard in the past, or my other female friend that distrusts every guy she dates because she got cheated on... these girls are viewed as more normal than a rape victim that is healed? I mean, it does affect you in the long run in how you view things, but people act like I am incapable of having a healthy loving relationship.

I don't need a man to be happy but I won't lie, I would like a boyfriend if I found the right guy and its starting to wear on myself esteem. I am not desperate for one but I am starting to think its just not possible for me. I actually feel this is now the only thing I need help with in terms of rape issues... and this is caused by how men act towards me as of the past few years. I didn't go into dating with the mentality that Im worthless to the opposite sex.
On the one hand I don't want to disclose it to a guy because I feel the majority of men my age (24) are not open minded enough, will use it against me later or will judge me (and the past 3 guys def did this). But I kind of want to disclose it too so if the word rape scares them off I don't waste my time and get abandoned over it. However, it seems most men my age just cannot handle anything that slightly touches drama or baggage.

I think you are telling them too soon. This is something to save until deeply involved with a man, when he knows you aren't a volcano, and knows you don't have baggage that renders you either cold or clingy or both. There's too much belief out there that we have to 'tell all' practically from the start. Some things we tell from the start - I have children, I have herpes, I am wearing an ankle bracelet, my ex is threatening to kill any man I get near. But not rape.

You sound like you have a good understanding of yourself! Now for understanding men... some will run away just because they have some brain dead notions (as I'm sure you know).

You have not found the right guy who can handle and accept you for what you are and don't let that frustration affect yourself esteem as this is THEIR issue, NOT YOURS!

Forgive them for being closed minded, but don't take on THEIR issues. Pity the fools instead. There is nothing wrong with you that an open minded mature male can't handle. You just haven't met him so don't change.

You are telling them about this too soon in the relationship. When a man is getting to know a potential girlfriend, he's looking for something fun and positive to add to his life. He is not looking for something painful or dramatic. Men are shocked by rape and don't know what to do to help a woman through it. It can make them terribly angry as well and they don't know what to do with that anger, either. It's just too much to deal with overall in a very new relationship.

Once you are in a stable relationship of some time, and you know how the person feels about you, you can let them in on the situation. I would not dump all the details on them right away. When you are in a commitment, you can let them know "there's something about me you should probably know" and then just let them know "when I was younger, I was assaulted. I will tell you what you want to know about it but have to let you know, I'm affraid I will loose you if I tell you what happened." Let them ask questions and answer what they ask. It can be hard for any man to have a visual of their woman in a sexual situation with another man, so it can just be hard to hear.

I survived a violent rape myself in college many years ago. I told one man well after we broke up - he broke things off with me to become a priest. This happened to me after we broke up. For some reason, I needed to tell him about it and I did. It's been decades and though he's a pacifist - a Roman Catholic priest for heaven's sake - he often tells me he would murder the men who did this to me on sight. Even though he broke up with me, it was hard for him to know this happened to someone he loved. He's tried to explain it to me and what I've gathered is that when I told him about it, he felt responsible to do something about it. He wanted to protect me, but it was over and done. He wanted to seek justice, but he couldn't. He wanted to comfort me but there was nothing he could do that was adequate to that purpose, either. He said helplessness is a feeling men don't handle well, priest or boyfriend, father or brother - they want to protect the women they care about.

This doesn't mean that no man will understand - just that they need to feel strong in the relationship before they can work through something so serious and personal and difficult with you.

Well said, dontknownuthin. I tried to give you a greenie and couldn't.