Vockly
Oct 27, 2012, 09:28 AM
Hello,
I'm writing this because as of late, I have been feeling very apathetic about life. This is mainly a means for me to vent and get all of my feelings out there whilst remaining anonymous, mainly due to my mother being quick to pass judgment and go to extremes. If you guys have any feedback to give me regarding my situation it would be appreciated :D
First I'll start off with some insight on me:
I'm a 20 year old male, living at home and studying my 2nd year of engineering.
I am rather introverted, but am not incapable of talking to people (I just prefer not to).
I am somewhat active (I recently took up Ice Hockey, and I participated in many sports throughout school).
My diet isn't great, but it's not bad (only eat fast food about 2 times a week, and drink lots of water).
I don't drink, smoke or take drugs.
I have never had a real relationship. I had 'girlfriend' for less than a month, but I don't consider that we were going out (we didn't go anywhere or do anything together). The only real reason we 'went out' was because our friends wanted to play match maker, and we fell for peer group pressure. I never felt emotionally vested in her at all (another issue).
I find that when I do something, I either care WAY too much (ie. It HAS to be perfect and will let everything else fall to the wayside), or I don't care at all (main issue, will get to that shortly). When growing up I was an army brat, so I moved a lot and feel that this is part of my issue(s) as well.
I have mild tendencies towards OCD, but I feel that this is more associated with my particular nature; not really OCD, just the C bit.
My life has been great up to this point (technically it still is, but it doesn't feel that way), I've travelled the world and experienced things people never will, I've lived a very comfortable life and went to a (very) good school. I was never bullied, and I always had 'friends' of some sort.
The only real 'traumatic' experience I could say I have had is my grandfather passing away, but I don't feel that this has any impact on my current situation (I feel I dealt with it rather well, and am quite comfortable with the concept of mortality).
Now to my 'issue(s)':
Recently, say the past year or so, I have been feeling 'meh' about everything, everything just outright sucks. Quite often I feel like it's all too hard, and what is the point in doing all of this. And the severity is increasing. (Let me make it very clear, I have never considered self harm and/or suicide.) Everything is just too hard, or too much effort.
I don't feel that the future I want is attainable. I know I have the means to do it, and my goals aren't outlandish at all. But I can't see myself being where I want to be or being anywhere at all for that fact. An example of a thing that I want to achieve: establish a proper romantic relationship. I have never been able to have a traditional relationship with a girl, I've found that I am quite different when it come to becoming attracted to someone. When I meet a girl, sure there is a physical attraction there, but it is never strong enough to act on. I think this links back to my army days, and never being at one school for more than 2 or so years. I would have to pack up and more to a new school and make new friends and forget everyone else. I am actually quite proficient at the first stage of a friendship, and am very good at getting people to 'like' me. But at the same time I never feel accepted, probably because I am constantly entering an established friendship group. (Kinda went on a tangent there) Back on track, the initial 'wow she is really attractive' is there, but I only ever feel attracted to them once get to know them and establish a mental relationship of sorts with her. For starters, its not very often that I meet a girl I find attractive, THEN go on to establish that emotional connection with them via friendship. Then they need to be interested in my at the same time.
And this is where my issue lies, most people work the other way. They find someone attractive and they want to try a relationship with them, but if I'm still not attracted to them, they see it as a lost cause and 'get over me' so to speak. I have been told quite regularly, that they 'use-to like me' but I wasn't interested so they moved on. And more than once, it was a girl who I had then developed feelings for. So I think that I am emotionally detached from those around me and avoid, at all cost, to have to rely on them. This has led to me not having any 'real' friends, sure I hang out with people, but I don't confide in any of them, and I only really have one person who I would be disappointed if I lost them as a friend. Next topic. (sorry about the wall-o-text)
I am constantly tired and lethargic, and can sleep continuously (12+ hours is no problem). I find that when I am in a static position, whether it be sitting, lying or standing, I become drowsy and can quite easily fall asleep. However if I am situated at a computer, or mentally active the effect does not occur. This is a real issue in lectures and tutes, if the lecturer goes off on a tangent that I need to take notes for, I will lose concentration and become very sleepy and not able to participate in the rest of the session. I have found that, as of late, I have stopped going to classes altogether due to this and the fact that I really couldn't be bothered to. This somewhat ties into my next point, that I have effectively given up at 'succeeding' in uni.
I find that I have been leaving doing my assessment latter and latter, to the point where I have been starting them only a few hours before they are due. And if anyone knows what an engineering degree is like, this is a bad idea. Yet I still do it, and I keep getting away with it too. Currently I am perfectly content with 'just passing', and subconsciously I know I can keep doing it and will continue to push the limit. I don't want to, but I do, because whenever I sit down to do an assignment it is always 'too much effort to start' and in the back of my mind I know I can pull off that last minute save and 'just pass'. This is becoming quite serious, as the assignments are getting harder, and longer. So eventually, I'm going to fail.
I have rather low self esteem. I'm not overweight (kind of fit), I have been told that I am attractive (by people other than my mum! :P), and I can be quite charismatic at times (when I don't feel like crap). But I never feel good enough for anyone. "Why would they be interested in me?", "I have nothing worthwhile to offer them" are some of the things that quite frequently enter my mind when interacting with someone.
I find that I worry over things I said in a conversation, and how they may misinterpret what I say. Or if I forget to say 'sorry' or 'thank you' how they will judge me and it will have a negative impact on our relationship ('dislike me', is too strong for this situation). In fact this is something I have only just noticed now while thinking of other points to put down. I have in fact been doing this for quite some time.
I've found that I don't talk much in a one on one situation because forming and articulating intelligent sentences in real time is too much effort. It is much easier to just sit back in a collective conversation and make a comment every now and then. When I am communicating via text based means however, I find it much easier to express my opinion and participate in conversations because it is much less effort to be verbose and structure your sentences in an effective manner. Just to note, this has nothing to do with being unable to communicate effectively with other people face to face. I am quite capable at that, but I can only be bothered to do it when I don't feel like crap.
Thank you for your time, Vockly.
I'm writing this because as of late, I have been feeling very apathetic about life. This is mainly a means for me to vent and get all of my feelings out there whilst remaining anonymous, mainly due to my mother being quick to pass judgment and go to extremes. If you guys have any feedback to give me regarding my situation it would be appreciated :D
First I'll start off with some insight on me:
I'm a 20 year old male, living at home and studying my 2nd year of engineering.
I am rather introverted, but am not incapable of talking to people (I just prefer not to).
I am somewhat active (I recently took up Ice Hockey, and I participated in many sports throughout school).
My diet isn't great, but it's not bad (only eat fast food about 2 times a week, and drink lots of water).
I don't drink, smoke or take drugs.
I have never had a real relationship. I had 'girlfriend' for less than a month, but I don't consider that we were going out (we didn't go anywhere or do anything together). The only real reason we 'went out' was because our friends wanted to play match maker, and we fell for peer group pressure. I never felt emotionally vested in her at all (another issue).
I find that when I do something, I either care WAY too much (ie. It HAS to be perfect and will let everything else fall to the wayside), or I don't care at all (main issue, will get to that shortly). When growing up I was an army brat, so I moved a lot and feel that this is part of my issue(s) as well.
I have mild tendencies towards OCD, but I feel that this is more associated with my particular nature; not really OCD, just the C bit.
My life has been great up to this point (technically it still is, but it doesn't feel that way), I've travelled the world and experienced things people never will, I've lived a very comfortable life and went to a (very) good school. I was never bullied, and I always had 'friends' of some sort.
The only real 'traumatic' experience I could say I have had is my grandfather passing away, but I don't feel that this has any impact on my current situation (I feel I dealt with it rather well, and am quite comfortable with the concept of mortality).
Now to my 'issue(s)':
Recently, say the past year or so, I have been feeling 'meh' about everything, everything just outright sucks. Quite often I feel like it's all too hard, and what is the point in doing all of this. And the severity is increasing. (Let me make it very clear, I have never considered self harm and/or suicide.) Everything is just too hard, or too much effort.
I don't feel that the future I want is attainable. I know I have the means to do it, and my goals aren't outlandish at all. But I can't see myself being where I want to be or being anywhere at all for that fact. An example of a thing that I want to achieve: establish a proper romantic relationship. I have never been able to have a traditional relationship with a girl, I've found that I am quite different when it come to becoming attracted to someone. When I meet a girl, sure there is a physical attraction there, but it is never strong enough to act on. I think this links back to my army days, and never being at one school for more than 2 or so years. I would have to pack up and more to a new school and make new friends and forget everyone else. I am actually quite proficient at the first stage of a friendship, and am very good at getting people to 'like' me. But at the same time I never feel accepted, probably because I am constantly entering an established friendship group. (Kinda went on a tangent there) Back on track, the initial 'wow she is really attractive' is there, but I only ever feel attracted to them once get to know them and establish a mental relationship of sorts with her. For starters, its not very often that I meet a girl I find attractive, THEN go on to establish that emotional connection with them via friendship. Then they need to be interested in my at the same time.
And this is where my issue lies, most people work the other way. They find someone attractive and they want to try a relationship with them, but if I'm still not attracted to them, they see it as a lost cause and 'get over me' so to speak. I have been told quite regularly, that they 'use-to like me' but I wasn't interested so they moved on. And more than once, it was a girl who I had then developed feelings for. So I think that I am emotionally detached from those around me and avoid, at all cost, to have to rely on them. This has led to me not having any 'real' friends, sure I hang out with people, but I don't confide in any of them, and I only really have one person who I would be disappointed if I lost them as a friend. Next topic. (sorry about the wall-o-text)
I am constantly tired and lethargic, and can sleep continuously (12+ hours is no problem). I find that when I am in a static position, whether it be sitting, lying or standing, I become drowsy and can quite easily fall asleep. However if I am situated at a computer, or mentally active the effect does not occur. This is a real issue in lectures and tutes, if the lecturer goes off on a tangent that I need to take notes for, I will lose concentration and become very sleepy and not able to participate in the rest of the session. I have found that, as of late, I have stopped going to classes altogether due to this and the fact that I really couldn't be bothered to. This somewhat ties into my next point, that I have effectively given up at 'succeeding' in uni.
I find that I have been leaving doing my assessment latter and latter, to the point where I have been starting them only a few hours before they are due. And if anyone knows what an engineering degree is like, this is a bad idea. Yet I still do it, and I keep getting away with it too. Currently I am perfectly content with 'just passing', and subconsciously I know I can keep doing it and will continue to push the limit. I don't want to, but I do, because whenever I sit down to do an assignment it is always 'too much effort to start' and in the back of my mind I know I can pull off that last minute save and 'just pass'. This is becoming quite serious, as the assignments are getting harder, and longer. So eventually, I'm going to fail.
I have rather low self esteem. I'm not overweight (kind of fit), I have been told that I am attractive (by people other than my mum! :P), and I can be quite charismatic at times (when I don't feel like crap). But I never feel good enough for anyone. "Why would they be interested in me?", "I have nothing worthwhile to offer them" are some of the things that quite frequently enter my mind when interacting with someone.
I find that I worry over things I said in a conversation, and how they may misinterpret what I say. Or if I forget to say 'sorry' or 'thank you' how they will judge me and it will have a negative impact on our relationship ('dislike me', is too strong for this situation). In fact this is something I have only just noticed now while thinking of other points to put down. I have in fact been doing this for quite some time.
I've found that I don't talk much in a one on one situation because forming and articulating intelligent sentences in real time is too much effort. It is much easier to just sit back in a collective conversation and make a comment every now and then. When I am communicating via text based means however, I find it much easier to express my opinion and participate in conversations because it is much less effort to be verbose and structure your sentences in an effective manner. Just to note, this has nothing to do with being unable to communicate effectively with other people face to face. I am quite capable at that, but I can only be bothered to do it when I don't feel like crap.
Thank you for your time, Vockly.