I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and everything seemed to be going great until after the first four months he seemed to be cooling off, so I tried different ways to ignite the relationship, like making sure I always looked sexy and was always in a loving mood with him.
Sending him cute txs telling how much he meant to me. One day I called him on his mobile and few minutes into the conversation I asked him what he was up to and he told me that he was with his friend having a chat and a cigarette and watching the fit women go past. I was gobsmacked by his honest response and mumbled something and ended the conversation. Later that day I tried to let him know how upset I was by this but his response was he thought we had the kind of relationship where he thought he could share most things with me.
I felt disappointed that he did not consider my feelings as his girlfriend and that he felt that I was making a fuss about nothing; I told him that I found it disrespectful to have thought I would be OK with it.
A few months past and I became increasingly insecure about myself and did the ultimate no, no, and looked in his mobile phone where I found texts to his ex-girlfriend having conversations about “phone sex and should he come round or was it going to be phone sex again” ? And she telling him how sexually aroused she was while there he was there in bed ignoring her.
I confronted him about it and understandably he was furious that I went into his phone, he explained away his conversation with her as nothing but silly flirting and that it meant nothing, and that she lived too far away for him to just pop round. I asked him he felt the need to have these sorts of conversations with his ex. He told me she was not really an ex but just friends with benefits, and that the reason he felt it was OK for him to do was because he thought I would not find out.
We patched things up and went with our relationship things were becoming strained because I became increasingly suspicious of him and he did not trust me, I promised I would not invade his privacy again.
Then a week after that episode his friend asked him to make up the numbers for a speed dating event he had put on because he did not have enough men at the event, to my surprise he enthusiastically agreed to go despite my disapproval, given that we were trying to repair our relationship.
He promised me that he would not give out his details to any of the women there and I reluctantly told him that if it was that important for him to help out his friend then “off you go” if it’s that important to you.
That night I got several missed calls from him while he was at the event, and when I eventually spoke to him he said that he had someone he wanted me to speak to on the phone, I took the call only to find that it was my friend who had gone to the event, she sounded reticent and said she would call me later which she did, whereby she told me that he had professed his love for me and that he was only there to help out his friend, and that he would not be taking any contact details from any of the women there, but she then told me that her sister had noticed that he had ticked the boxes on his contact card with the names of the women he was interested in. when I confronted him about it he promised me that he had told his friend to not give out his details to any of the women there, I did not believe him but could not prove otherwise.
That was in June this year, again I tried to forget about but I continued to have niggling doubts about his fidelity. Then three weeks ago he stayed over and the next day I left him at my house when I returned I noticed that he had used my lap but and had forgotten to sign out of his emails, and yes you guessed it I checked out his emails only to find that he had made contact with two of the women on the “speed dating night” and one of them he had told that she was “by far the most fascinating; intelligent; rebellious; attractive woman at the event and that he was pleased that she wanted to get to know him more.
Then I found to my horror that he had sent intimate pictures that he had taken of me to two of his ex-girlfriends in an attempt to prove to them that he really did have a girlfriend. In one of these emails he spoke about wanting to have sex with her again and how he felt a fool for chasing after her when she was clearly not interested in him. These emails took place in the early months of our relationship when he was professing his love to me.
It rocked my world I felt as though I was going to have a breakdown there and then, when I told him about my invading his privacy and apologise I then let him know that I could not be with a man who would do such an act of betrayal.
After he got passed being angry with me for reading his emails he then tried to justify why he had betrayed my trust, and his story went like this “those two women were taunting me and telling me about their new boyfriends and I had to get my own back by showing you off to them you should be flattered because it’s not like you are ugly or unattractive , later her relented and said that he had felt so ashamed by his actions that sorry would not have been enough so that’s why he did not try to apologise or beg my forgiveness.
Again I forgave him and told him that he was on probation with me and that he would need to prove himself to me. But now after almost four weeks I find that I cannot forget of forgive him although I had attempted to carry on with the relationship, it’s changed the way I feel about him and now we are arguing over every little thing. What should I do kick him to the curb or just get over it and move on as he suggest.
By the way he is in his late forties and I am slightly older I feel like I am too old to find love again and should just try to make this work but I am finding it hard.

Sue

Sue, after reading your entire post my first impression still stands. You both have different expectations for what to expect in a relationship.

Looking at other women and being honest about it shouldn't be an issue. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you stop looking. Commitment doesn't automatically fit a person with a blindfold. Frankly, if you become insecure about him watching fully dressed (or what passes for fully dressed these days) women while chatting with a friend, then I would not want to see your response to him looking at erotica/porn.

You already know snooping and invading his privacy is not a good thing to do. Yes, you confirmed your fears, but you also betrayed his trust in you.

The text messages, the 'speed dating', the emails, the sharing pictures of you with anybody without your permission, the thinking you would not find out about his 'friends with benefits' relationship, etc. all add up to someone who is still a 'single' in his own mind. He seems to be agreeing with you long enough to appease you and saying the right things to make you happy. It boils down to getting himself out of trouble until the next time.

You don't trust him. I see very little reason to trust him from what you have written. You seem to want to keep trying to 'fix' this relationship because you are scared. Fear is not a good reason to stay. You may be concerned about finding someone new, but now isn't the time to even think about getting into another relationship.

You need to rebuild your trust and faith in yourself. This was a learning experience. Any time you learn from something it isn't a failure. You need to find your confidence in yourself. Heal. Have fun not worrying about what someone else thinks or needs (or what they might be doing when you aren't looking.) Have fun dating and getting to know people. If something more develops, set boundary lines as a couple. Age isn't an issue. Confidence in yourself is.

Let this male go back to his games. He isn't worth the hurt you seem to be causing yourself.

Good luck.