My boyfriend is 28 and I'm 24. We have been together 9 months now, living together about 2 months. I just want to give some background information into our relationship: He was married at 23 and divorced by 25, and he's had a string of short relationships before he met me. He is very affectionate and playful, says he loves me very much, and the thought of spending the rest of his life with me doesn't scare him.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare, he was excited about having a baby, and when I found out I wasn't pregnant he told me when I'm ready and settled in my new job we'd have a baby. We are very sexually open and have 3somes from time to time. He has women as friends, and jokes around with them via Whatsapp and msn, he doesn't hide any of this from me and he knows I trust him enough not to cause an issue with it, and he is very respectful and does make a change if I have a problem with anything.

He works very hard, leaves home at 5:30am and gets back at 7 most days. When we first started dating the sex was very passionate and regular, but recently (even before I moved in with him) we have been having sex maybe once a week, sometimes twice, only on weekends. I've tried talking to him about it, and he said that I can't be happy, I get what I want and then I always want more, and that he's tired from work etc so we're having sex as much as is practical.

I've tried sending him a naughty message on his phone complete with pictures, got no response from him, and when I asked him if he got the message he said "yes, but I deleted the pics because they were dark." When we do have sex it seems like I always have to initiate it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure if he is just focusing on other things, and this is just a phase he's going through, I hope that's the issue and it's not that he's cheating. He's the type of person that needs to get one thing done before he moves on to another, and he's a bit obsessive about it, so maybe he's focusing on his career right now and isn't thinking about sex, but it's bothering me, and talking to him about it makes him feel like I can never be satisfied with anything he does for me, and that I'm always asking for more and more.

I feel like I'm only asking for what I deserve, as in having an intimate relationship with my boyfriend, connecting with him on another level, closer than we are with anyone else, but I don't know how to talk to him without sounding like a nag and someone who takes everything else he does for me for granted.

Please help me, I know it's a long post, but I really need some kind of comfort or advice. Thank you.

Additional Information: My boyfriend basically got married too young to the wrong person, which has skewed his views on marriage on the whole, he told me he wants to marry me, but not legally.

His ex wife wasn't interested in sex, she was the one who said she wanted to get divorced because they were fighting due to his frustration at an incomplete relationship and other issues (she wanted children but he didn't, he told me he used to tell her he didn't want kids at all, because he couldn't tell her the truth, in his words "It's not that I didn't want kids, it's just the thought of having children with HER didn't appeal to me").

He told me that he was happy with the little sex they were having because he loved her and wanted his marriage to work, and he told me they were like best friends but had no chemistry. When he tried to improve their sex life by "bringing back the passion we had for each other in the beginning" she told him she never felt that way about him.

I don't know if this has damaged his self esteem, along with his warped body image (he was overweight as a young teenager and has a normal weight now but says he feels "fat and disgusting" on a regular basis) and if it's the reason for his string of relationships mostly based on sex, but now I feel like I'm in his shoes in his marriage, dealing with a partner who's not interested in sex anymore.

He and I don't fight or shout at each other, if we have issues we usually discuss them in a calm manner, but we rarely have issues at all because we get along very well, we have similar personalities and I understand his moods and idiosyncrasies better than any of the women he's been with (according to him). Our relationship has not been perfect due to his commitment issues, but in his words "I needed someone to believe in me so I could believe in myself again". My faith in him has helped him heal and have confidence in his ability to be in a relationship, but the lack of regular sexual intimacy between us is an issue for me, I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but any advice would be greatly appreciated!

You are not making a mountain out of a molehill. This is a real issue, and I wish I had an answer for you.

I'd try to go with communication... float the idea of couples counseling. If you are stuck in a pattern together, I think a 3rd outside opinion may help in breaking the behavior cycle you two are stuck in.

But again, sexual intimacy is important to you, and you are half of the equation, so it is important to your relationship. Good luck, and I feel your anxiety.

Do you work? Are you on birth control, or any other protection?

Maybe its just a difference in libidos, or he likes sex but needs more in other areas of your lives.


We have been together 9 months now, living together about 2 months.

A relationship built on just good sex seldom gets very far, and is usually a symptom of something else in another area of your lives. Maybe your long term goals,ambitions,or dreams are different.Thats what I would be talking about,not lack of sex, but what kind of life you are building together married,but not legal.

That's no commitment, and maybe it's a bit to soon for the long term, life time thinking as you are both getting to know each other, and finding out how to deal with each other. At this point, you are still experimenting with this live in relationship, and there is much more to learn about how each others minds work.

That's what builds bonds that last,knowing HOW to honestly communicate. This may be just a temporary down cycle for him as he may well be preoccupied. The sex is open, but not the communications in other important areas.

Thanks for your responses guys. talaniman I have not been working since I've been living with him, but I contribute by doing all of the chores around the apartment, and I know he appreciates this, and basically scoffed at me when I suggested splitting the grocery and phone bills when I start working in October. The fact that I am not working right now does not seem to be an issue for us, as I have some money put aside that I use for my personal expenses, and sometimes to pay for dinner etc when we go out, so he does not have to personally pay for anything that I need, although he does offer, asking me if I need a toothbrush etc when we go to the supermarket.

I was on birth control until 2 months ago, but stopped as it was making me a little ill. I am due to re-start this week, so that should clear up any fears he has about me getting pregnant at this point. We discussed it and we will not have children until things are sorted out with migrating etc, although he was very happy when we thought I was pregnant, being all cute and excited, I could tell he was disappointed when that proved not to be the case, but tried to hide it.

I recently got some information on a possible reason why he has been disinterested in sex lately. As a couple we are friends with his ex girlfriend, and she told me that around this time last year they started having problems in their relationship because he began to withdraw from her, and they consequently broke up, because she was unable to understand how to relate to him, and nagged him daily to tell her what was wrong. He does not like nagging or overly emotional outbursts, but he will respond very well to a calm level discussion about whatever is bothering me, and he comforts me if I cry while talking to him, as long as I don't become hysterical (in terms of loud emotional outbursts and blaming etc), which I generally don't, it is not in my nature, and since I know how he reacts to it I know it is counter-productive to communication.

Unlike his ex-girlfriend, I tend to leave him alone to dwell on his thoughts, I don't pressure him, although I do ask "Are you ok?" so that he knows I've noticed he is not himself, and I remain loving and available to him if he wants to talk. Funny enough, the only reason those two are able to be friends is because of me, I had to mediate between them and help them understand each other better, because she is "too emotional" and he can sometimes have a hard time understanding why people react the way they do to certain things etc, and needs me to "translate" for him.

I spoke to his ex-girlfriend about what has been going on and she consequently asked him if everything is OK with us, as I seem a bit depressed, and he said that I am feeling like he has been distant because he's been working from 5:30am to 7am every day and is busy and distracted, we're not regularly having sex, and that I am worried, so she urged him to work on it, and he said he would. Since then, we have had one 3some and sex just the two of us twice, as of Saturday gone. Although I initiated both times, he was more responsive than usual. I am waiting to see if this will be a continued effort on his part.

I think he does not want to share his thoughts at this time with me because he is afraid to hurt my feelings, as I know he does not want to lose me. Let me say, it's difficult to deal with a boyfriend who from time to time becomes depressed because of his ex-wife and the end of his marriage. He even had a panic attack on the day she served him with their final divorce papers, and I had to take him to the hospital, as we didn't know what was wrong. In spite of this, I personally understand what it is like to feel the way he does, so I am trying my best to be supportive and understanding. I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 16, and up until last year I still had periods of missing him very much and wondering how different my life would have been if we had stayed together, even during a very loving 4 year relationship with another man, although throughout those times I fully understood that I didn't want to get back together with my ex, and I knew that he probably grew up a lot and changed, so he would not be the very same person I loved as a teenager. I think it has to do with a certain type of happiness and an ability to love innocently, before the realities and stresses of grown up relationships etc, that had me holding on to those feelings, and this may be the case with my boyfriend. I also suspect that he feels as though he treated his ex-wife badly, and that he is majorly to blame for their divorce, so guilt may have him feeling this way as well, as even his mother is of the opinion that he destroyed his own marriage. I think incompatibility compounded the issue and it was inevitable that they either remained married and miserable or got divorced. Apparently his ex-wife was very conservative, and he pushed her for 3somes etc, which she did not appreciate, and I think it made him feel like a deviant. With me he does not have any such issues, so aside from our general compatibility, we are also very compatible sexually, when he is in a healthy frame of mind, although I do think I have a higher drive than he does, probably because I generally am a more upbeat person than he is, with more energy.

I found out that September 16th nine years ago was the first time he spoke to his ex-wife when they were at university together, this was the start of their relationship, and that it was love at first sight, at least for him. I believe that he is on his way to recovering from his divorce, and he does love me very much, as his actions towards me demonstrate that very clearly. However, I think that around this time of the year he becomes a bit depressed, thinking about his failed marriage, and the fact that, quote, "I'm 28, divorced, no family, living in a one-bedroom apartment" (he said this to a friend, never would he say anything like that to me, but he did tell his ex-girlfriend that very same thing last year). While I don't think he wants to get back together with his ex-wife, I do think he has periods where he misses, not necessarily her, but the happiness he felt in being at that place in his life, married and with a plan for his future. I also think that he is preoccupied with work, and finding a job abroad, as he dislikes living in our home country and would very much like to "get out of this place". I will be looking at his mood around early December to see if I observe a pattern, as that will be the anniversary of their wedding.

When I first discovered the possible reason for his depression lately, I was very hurt, but after thinking about it for a little while, I have realized that this has nothing to do with me, or my ability to make him happy. I am an external factor in what he is going through right now, and the differences in how he is treating me now vs. how he treated his ex-girlfriend last year, pushing her away, not wanting to spend time with her, generally not even being very affectionate, show me that he is very careful not to let his depressed thoughts affect me emotionally, and he does a very good job at hiding it from me, although I wish he would talk to me. I know his words will hurt me but I will put myself aside for a little while and see what I can do to help him get over this, so that I won't have to be experiencing this every year around this time.

I ask myself sometimes if this is really the way I want to live, but I love him very much, and our relationship is very good as far as I'm concerned, we are very much in love, we show affection both in public and in private, and we share many common interests etc. Does anyone think I'm crazy to still want to be with him even though he is clearly emotionally damaged? I'm hoping, as the adage says, time heals all things.

Talaniman, I agree that communication is a very important aspect of any relationship, probably the most important, and I think that the communication in my relationship is very open. We can talk about any and everything without feeling embarrassed or judged, and we share openly with each other, we even talk about his marriage and divorce, although he clearly keeps some of his thoughts and feelings on that topic to himself, understandably so. I'm not too happy about that, but I think that it's very important to my boyfriend not to hurt me, he's really been trying to keep things as normal as possible between us in terms of spending time with me, cuddling a lot more etc, possibly trying to make up for the sex aspect.

The only thing is that it is very difficult to approach the topic of sex in terms of my being dissatisfied with the frequency, for a number of reasons. Men can be very sensitive when it comes to their sexual prowess, and I do not want to make my boyfriend feel like he is disappointing me, or that I am never fully satisfied with his contributions to our relationship, which was why, after I spoke to him once about it, I waited for a change. When this did not happen, I had another discussion with him, and he insisted that everything is perfect between us as far as he is concerned, that he is just tired and distracted from work, but I still asked him what I could do to help the situation, and he gave me some suggestions, top of the list being to not nag him about it, as that would make him feel like having sex even less than he already does. You are right, we are now learning how to live together, things have been very smooth so far, but I guess I'm learning that from time to time he has certain moods that affect his desire for sex, and instead of taking it as something being wrong in the relationship, I will be able to wait it out and understand that there are times when sex is not the first thing on my boyfriend's mind. The fact that we are always cuddling, holding hands, and displaying our love in other physical ways besides sex tells me that he does love me very much, and that I don't need to worry as much as I was about the life of our relationship. As you said, we're learning about each other, and this was just one of the things I had to learn about living with my boyfriend and knowing him in all his moods. He knows he can come to me and talk about anything that is bothering him within our relationship, and I can do the same, but I know that he compartmentalizes a lot, and probably thinks that since his divorce issues don't directly involve me, he'd rather not burden me with them and risk damaging our relationship.

JeaBean, since my boyfriend has not sought any outside help for his divorce issues, which is what is causing this situation in the first place, I don't want to suggest couples therapy because I really don't want him to feel as though I have no faith in our ability to work things out for ourselves, as this may bring up feelings of inadequacy and further failure in him, that his first serious relationship after his divorce requires counselling. While I personally feel that he could benefit from some personal time with a therapist, I know that his family is big on self-sufficiency and he may feel like an even bigger failure for having a need to consult someone else about his problems. It's a bit complicated, so at this point couples therapy may be a bit premature, especially since it's not like we have an issue understanding each other or communicating, that's all great, I think Talaniman is right, we're just ironing out the kinks and getting to know more about each other. Living together changes things. The depresssed period and lack of interest in sex are stemming from his personal issues, and aren't a reflection of our relationship, although it is being affected by them, as much as he is trying for that not to happen.