I'm not sure where to start. For the first 1and a half yrs of our marriage, I felt that were perfect together. But ever since I conceived and had our kid, things have been so different! I realise now that all these aspects of my husband were probably always there but they were not apparent earlier. It seems as if the current life we have is bringing out all those aspects of his character.
He and I fight all the time. More like I fight while he calmly sticks to his guns about what his stance is. It feels as though he doesn't particularly care that I'm upset about the issue. He'd go and read a nice book within seconds of our fight, eat dinner with a good appetite and so on. More importantly, he never accepts that he may be wrong or mistaken or even that it may be ambiguous. His way is always the right way. Whatever I'm stating may be so BUT (here he states his own argument again). There is no compromise.
One of the main issues is that he controls all the money. Since I got pregnant, I'd left my job and he started working 6 months later. I do not have access to the income. He makes the purchases when we go out and if I need money for anything at all, I have to ask him, that too, in advance so that he has time to withdraw it. I have often been at home with not a penny in my pocket. He doles out the money to me for my household and personal needs. He decides whether we have enough money to buy an item or service.
His reasoning for this is that he thinks that I will spend all the money rashly if I know how much is there and can access it. This is the case despite the fact that he's seen now and before we got married, how careful I am about money. I have lived alone and budgeted my expenses on a much smaller salary than most people can imagine. Yet, he thinks that he knows all about budgeting and I don't. And that is his excuse for not giving me equal access to the money and an equal role in planning the expenses. So I asked if I could get access if we made a budget together that suited us both. He said that he would see about it. I think that this is just ridiculous. I'm not a kid. I taken care of myself far better than he has of himself in the past. Why should I have to ask my husband for money like some child or beggar? Is this normal?
He doesn't understand why it upsets me so much. He thinks that it shouldn't matter because he doesn't spend the money on himself and I know what the monthly expenses are and therefore can figure out how much is left. He just does not understand that it deprives me of my self-respect.
And I know that once the budget is made, there will be some other condition laid by him before I am allowed to handle the money. He also keeps thinking of our expenses separately. For example, he thinks that we should split the money left over after household expenses, savings and contingencies, right down the middle. He takes half and I take half and then we spend it however we want. He calls it 'my money' and 'your money'! It makes no sense to me. Acc to me, this is not how a family operates.
Problem 2 is that he never stands up for me. He's allowed cab drivers and other strange men to yell at me and never moved a muscle of his limbs or mouth except to tell me not to shout. This is something I really hate. I think that my man should stand up for me as I would jolly well do for him.
Problem 3 is the hygiene problem. He has some disgusting habits which I earlier thought he had because he didn't know any better and because he'd had no mum to teach him. I thought that once he knew how things were done, he'd change these habits. But he hasn't. The habits are BO, farting, burping, not washing properly (although he thinks he has) after using the toilet. And also generally never taking the trouble to at least try to behave in a civilized way in front of me. I understand that a man needs to be comfortable at home, but not at the expense of his wife's comfort. I don't even feel like sleeping with him any more. Not that he's great in that arena either.
My issue is that we have a child. I'm afraid of the idea of him not having his dad around at home should I decide to get out of this. I'm also not sure if this can work or whether it is a dead-end relationship. We are like 2 friends staying together, not husband and wife in the way we function. I feel that he doesn't love me enough to compromise for me. I love him but this relationship is draining me.

I'm not sure where to start. For the first 1and a half yrs of our marriage, I felt that were perfect together. But ever since I conceived and had our kid, things have been so different! I realise now that all these aspects of my husband were probably always there but they were not apparent earlier. It seems as if the current life we have is bringing out all those aspects of his character.
He and I fight all the time. More like I fight while he calmly sticks to his guns about what his stance is. It feels as though he doesn't particularly care that I'm upset about the issue. He'd go and read a nice book within seconds of our fight, eat dinner with a good appetite and so on. More importantly, he never accepts that he may be wrong or mistaken or even that it may be ambiguous. His way is always the right way. Whatever I'm stating may be so BUT (here he states his own argument again). There is no compromise.
One of the main issues is that he controls all the money. Since I got pregnant, I'd left my job and he started working 6 months later. I do not have access to the income. He makes the purchases when we go out and if I need money for anything at all, I have to ask him, that too, in advance so that he has time to withdraw it. I have often been at home with not a penny in my pocket. He doles out the money to me for my household and personal needs. He decides whether or not we have enough money to buy an item or service.
His reasoning for this is that he thinks that I will spend all the money rashly if I know how much is there and can access it. This is the case despite the fact that he's seen now and before we got married, how careful I am about money. I have lived alone and budgeted my expenses on a much smaller salary than most people can imagine. Yet, he thinks that he knows all about budgeting and I don't. And that is his excuse for not giving me equal access to the money and an equal role in planning the expenses. So I asked if I could get access if we made a budget together that suited us both. He said that he would see about it. I think that this is just ridiculous. I'm not a kid. I taken care of myself far better than he has of himself in the past. Why should I have to ask my husband for money like some child or beggar? Is this normal?
He doesn't understand why it upsets me so much. He thinks that it shouldn't matter because he doesn't spend the money on himself and I know what the monthly expenses are and therefore can figure out how much is left. He just does not understand that it deprives me of my self-respect.
And I know that once the budget is made, there will be some other condition laid by him before I am allowed to handle the money. He also keeps thinking of our expenses separately. For example, he thinks that we should split the money left over after household expenses, savings and contingencies, right down the middle. He takes half and I take half and then we spend it however we want. He calls it 'my money' and 'your money'! It makes no sense to me. Acc to me, this is not how a family operates.
Problem 2 is that he never stands up for me. He's allowed cab drivers and other strange men to yell at me and never moved a muscle of his limbs or mouth except to tell me not to shout. This is something I really hate. I think that my man should stand up for me as I would jolly well do for him.
Problem 3 is the hygiene problem. He has some disgusting habits which I earlier thought he had coz he didn't know any better and because he'd had no mum to teach him. I thought that once he knew how things were done, he'd change these habits. But he hasn't. The habits are BO, farting, burping, not washing properly (although he thinks he has) after using the toilet. And also generally never taking the trouble to at least try to behave in a civilized way in front of me. I understand that a man needs to be comfortable at home, but not at the expense of his wife's comfort. I don't even feel like sleeping with him any more. Not that he's great in that arena either.
My issue is that we have a child. I'm afraid of the idea of him not having his dad around at home should I decide to get out of this. I'm also not sure if this can work or whether it is a dead-end relationship. We are like 2 friends staying together, not husband and wife in the way we function. I feel that he doesn't love me enough to compromise for me. I love him but this relationship is draining me.



I'm sorry, but this is far too long to read through. It's more of a blog than a question. Perhaps just telling the story is helpful.

The answer is in your last two sentences: "I feel that he doesn't love me enough to compromise for me. I love him but this relationship is draining me.[/QUOTE]"

How long can you live like this?

The main advice I have after reading your complaints is to look into marriage counseling. I think there is a lot of frustration, anger and resentment building up inside you.

His always being right and not compromising along with controlling the money seem to be your major complaints. Without hearing his side, I don't know how much of your frustration is based on his actual actions and how much is based on your perceptions which are tinted by your own feelings and thoughts.

You say that his behavior changed or became more apparent after you became pregnant. I have to wonder how much yours changed. You appear to have gone from being the 'bread-winner' to a housewife/stay-at-home mother over night and at a very vulnerable time. Then he didn't get a job until six months after you quit your? How were finances between those events? Were those months hard on both of you?

Your complaints about his passing gas, burping, and such seem a bit petty and like you are throwing them out as 'proof' of how bad a person he is. The whole post seems to be a rant about how negative your life is. Do you have anything positive to say about your husband and marriage?

Are you thriving as a stay-at-home mother or do you need the emotional and mental stimulation that working outside the home can give? Do you have any time to yourself without him or your child? Do you have any interests or hobbies that can give you mental stimulation and keep you from feeling trapped? (I am a stay-at-home mother. I know how easy it is to get caught up in the child and husband's needs and lose sight of your own.)

I think you need counseling for you and your husband to learn better ways of communicating and compromising with each other. Plus, I think you may need to look into ways that you can feel more like yourself instead of a wife and mother. I think you might be happier if you can find a better balance inside yourself.

I'm sorry, but this is far too long to read through. It's more of a blog than a question. Perhaps just telling the story is helpful.

The answer is in your last two sentences: "I feel that he doesn't love me enough to compromise for me. I love him but this relationship is draining me."

How long can you live like this?[/QUOTE]

Hi. Sorry about the long question. I realised how ridiculously long it was only after posting it. Was going through a rough patch and was just so relieved to find a site like this where people seemed to be giving rather helpful answers. I do wonder how long I can continue like this. Just don't want to turn around and find that I made a mistake either way. Thanks for your answer :-).

"

How long can you live like this?

Hi. Sorry about the long question. I realised how ridiculously long it was only after posting it. Was going through a rough patch and was just so relieved to find a site like this where people seemed to be giving rather helpful answers. I do wonder how long I can continue like this. Just don't want to turn around and find that I made a mistake either way. Thanks for your answer :-).



What does your heart tell you to do?

The main advice I have after reading your complaints is to look into marriage counseling. I think there is a lot of frustration, anger and resentment building up inside you.

His always being right and not compromising along with controlling the money seem to be your major complaints. Without hearing his side, I don't know how much of your frustration is based on his actual actions and how much is based on your perceptions which are tinted by your own feelings and thoughts.

You say that his behavior changed or became more apparent after you became pregnant. I have to wonder how much yours changed. You appear to have gone from being the 'bread-winner' to a housewife/stay-at-home mother over night and at a very vulnerable time. Then he didn't get a job until six months after you quit your? How were finances between those events? Were those months hard on both of you?

Your complaints about his passing gas, burping, and such seem a bit petty and like you are throwing them out as 'proof' of how bad a person he is. The whole post seems to be a rant about how negative your life is. Do you have anything positive to say about your husband and marriage?

Are you thriving as a stay-at-home mother or do you need the emotional and mental stimulation that working outside the home can give? Do you have any time to yourself without him or your child? Do you have any interests or hobbies that can give you mental stimulation and keep you from feeling trapped? (I am a stay-at-home mother. I know how easy it is to get caught up in the child and husband's needs and lose sight of your own.)

I think you need counseling for you and your husband to learn better ways of communicating and compromising with each other. Plus, I think you may need to look into ways that you can feel more like yourself instead of a wife and mother. I think you might be happier if you can find a better balance inside yourself.

You're right, this question is quite tinted with my frustration and negative feelings. I agree that I too have a role to play in the way this relationship looks. But I think that sometimes, one person may be more unmindful than the other. That is what I think is happening with us. And I'd love to go for counselling with my husband but he thinks that we should go for counselling as individuals because that will solve the problem. When I asked when he'd go, he said that he didn't need to go but I did. Makes no sense to me. I think we should work it out together with a marriage counsellor.

Yes, the hygiene complaints were petty at least to be mentioned and I didn't mean to. There was a mistake in the submission of the questions. So this question was actually deleted by me and I'd submitted another without the hygiene details but that one got shelved somehow and this one got published! Btw, they are not as petty as they seem. It's amazing how much such things can ruin the way you feel about someone. But I think that explanation may take too long so I'll avoid it.

I was not the breadwinner. We were both working and then he quit his job just after I got pregnant. I'd quit mine too because of the pregnancy so yeah, it was scary at least to me. I'm getting back to work now and hoping that that will help to give reign to my own needs. So taking your advice there already :-).

And the concerns about him being right and the money just happened to occupy a large part of this question because we'd just had another fight about it. It's not just those 2 things.

So I want to know, if my husband does not think that 'we' need counselling, what would you suggest as a marriage expert? Thank you for taking the time to read and answer my question.

So I want to know, if my husband does not think that 'we' need counselling, what would you suggest as a marriage expert? Thank you for taking the time to read and answer my question.
As a counselor, I would work with you on individual stuff and how to relate to him, and then charmingly invite him to sessions to get his input ("to help your spouse") and then subtly hook him into sticking around to work on the marriage.

What does your heart tell you to do?

Really? I think about leaving every day. But I want to know what other women think about this. Am I being a fool or not? My own mum was in a marriage that drained her. I don't want to go down the same road.

As a counselor, I would work with you on individual stuff and how to relate to him, and then charmingly invite him to sessions to get his input ("to help your spouse") and then subtly hook him into sticking around to work on the marriage.

:-) I like that. I could try it. Thanks.

:-) I like that. I could try it. Thanks.
I had a client in a tense marriage -- the husband drank a lot and disrepected her when he drank, but otherwise was a prince. After a few sessions with her, I invited him to join us. He sat there at their kitchen table with an open beer can -- not drinking so much as doing an in-your-face thing like a little kid. I have fond memories of those sessions.

I had a client in a tense marriage -- the husband drank a lot and disrepected her when he drank, but otherwise was a prince. After a few sessions with her, I invited him to join us. He sat there at their kitchen table with an open beer can -- not drinking so much as doing an in-your-face thing like a little kid. I have fond memories of those sessions.

Did you get the hubby to participate finally?

Did you get the hubby to participate finally?
Yes. I had an office but also went to people's homes to do counseling by invitation/appointment. Dennis would always leave when I showed up to work with her. So, I did see him when I'd come in which made me not so scary, and I hooked him that way. If I were only working out of the office, I could have gotten him to the office the way I mentioned early, by asking in a phone call for his help, for him to come along to sessions, as I counseled his wife.