At my husband's bachelor party his best men hired him a stripper. She was completely naked, did lap dances, whipped them with a belt and - the bit that annoyed me most - he licked cream off her nipple. I was disappointed and furious. I believe using sex workers is sexist and objectifying a woman like that disgusting. I also count the licking her as cheating.

I was so upset I asked to see the best men before the wedding so I could basically practice not crying in their presence. Two were "too busy" and one said he didn't want to just meet up but wanted to discuss the issue. When I attempted to explain my position via email he told me to keep my opinions to myself and blocked me. This was exactly why I didn't want to discuss the issue to start with. I didn't think they would value my opinion enough to listen because if they did they wouldn't have made my fiancé cheat on me to start with or hired a woman to do that for their entertainment.

So I said fine, you can't come to the wedding service (only the evening). They decided not to come at all (to my relief).

However, my family went crazy at me and so did my husband's. My husband accepted why they couldn't come, hence why I still went ahead with the wedding. If we hadn't been dating for 7 years and this was the first horrible thing he's done I wouldn't have married him. Nobodies perfect and my brother said he took part under duress. My brother didn't know this was the plan and knew I'd be pissed, he also doesn't agree with this 'tradition'.

We've been married two months and although our relationship has returned to normal but I am still angry. I think about this pretty much all the time. I'm angry my husband didn't have the courage to walk out of the party, I'm angry he didn't realise it was wrong (although he told me straight away when he came back), I'm angry I wasted 7 years of friendship with people who when it came to it couldn't even think about my feelings over their own entertainment for five minutes. I'm angry that my family though social appearance was more important then my feelings on my wedding day. I'm angry that everyone thought I was the bad person in this situation. I was put under a lot of pressure to let them come, I kept saying they could if they could be bothered to meet me up beforehand, how is that unreasonable? I pretty much spent the week leading up to the wedding crying everyday.

How can I stop being so angry? I want to move on with my life!

Please help, I can elaborate on any point but I've tried to keep it brief, thank you.

Hell, I would have walked out of the wedding as the groom if my fiancée had done that... luckily my now wife.. wasn't that paranoid...

Yes that was too extreme... WAY too extreme... get over it... they didn't have a gang-bang with the stripper.

Hi smoothy, thank you for your reply, I need opinions that differ from my own (hence why I posted!)

However, I don't understand how it is paranoia? It did happen...

Hi smoothy, thank you for your reply, I need opinions that differ from my own (hence why I posted!)

However, I don't understand how it is paranoia? It did happen...

So? Guys do this all the time... its COMMON to have a stripper at the bachleur party...

So common in fact in my 50 years on the earth, I've known of and attended exactly TWO that didn't have a stripper. And I've been to dozens.

Odds are at some point he might go to a strip club with his friends... even less will happen there .

The point I'm making is big deal... he didn't have sex with her, so its NOT something you really were in a position to make a big deal about...

Lets turn this around for perspective...

If YOUR bridal party had taken you to see male strippers or hired one for a private party would you have gone... and would it be right for him to make the same stink about it if you had?

Its not as common for women to do that but its far from unheard of either.

My wife has attended such bachlorette parties since we were married for a few of her friends. I didn't get upset.

No, I wouldn't have tolerated male strippers, I'd have walked out. I'm actually pretty liberal, anything goes as long as there is consent. I just don't believe you can buy consent.

Strippers for bachelor parties are not actually that common where I live, my husband has never been to a strip club or gone to a stag night with one before. Shooting, extreme driving, pub crawls are more the norm.

I would have tolerated a 'sexy' dance. But licking, physical contact and her touching herself on the floor... too much. It wasn't a strip club but someone's house.

Just because something is common, doesn't make it right.

Also irrespective of whether I was 'right' to be upset, I was. All I asked was to see them beforehand so that I would burst into tears as I walked down the aisle. I don't understand how this was too much to ask.

Thanks for chatting, this is helping me :)

Here is another perspective:

If you paid someone of a different ethnicity to yourself which has a history of oppression by your own ethnicity to pretend to be a slave for a party would this be all right?

You got to put them in chains, they were partially clothed, they act out stereotypes, they had to refer to you as master, you could use them as a foot stool etc. Would that make you a racist? Or is it just a laugh?

Isn't that what stripping is, but with gender instead of ethnicity?

No, I wouldn't have tolerated male strippers, I'd have walked out. I'm actually pretty liberal, anything goes as long as there is consent. I just don't believe you can buy consent.

Strippers for bachelor parties are not actually that common where I live, my husband has never been to a strip club or gone to a stag night with one before. Shooting, extreme driving, pub crawls are more the norm.

I would have tolerated a 'sexy' dance. But licking, physical contact and her touching herself on the floor...too much. It wasn't a strip club but someone's house.

Just because something is common, doesn't make it right.

Also irrespective of whether I was 'right' to be upset, I was. All I asked was to see them beforehand so that I would burst into tears as I walked down the aisle. I don't understand how this was too much to ask.

Thanks for chatting, this is helping me :)

This is just a guess since I didn't know them... but I think its obvious they knew you were upset and they decided they weren't going to listen to it... even if it meant bailing out of the wedding because it really is a lot of work and effort for them and they weren't going to do it if they thought you were going to give them attitude.

And given they would have taken time out of their life to go over and have you start an argument (or even thought you would) so they just stayed home had a beer and watched the game... even if they lost their tux rental fees... they took the more pleasant route because you made them feel their attendance wasn't appreciated.


I'm guessing because I wasn't there... but judging from what you have described so far... I'm thinking what would have been going through their minds at that moment and why they bailed.

Here is another perspective:

If you paid someone of a different ethnicity to yourself which has a history of oppression by your own ethnicity to pretend to be a slave for a party would this be alright?

You got to put them in chains, they were partially clothed, they act out stereotypes, they had to refer to you as master, you could use them as a foot stool ect. Would that make you a racist? Or is it just a laugh?

Isn't that what stripping is, but with gender instead of ethnicity?

That's actually not at all related in any way shape or form. Because the strippers are the ones who have all the control in this situation... not the guys.

Strippers aren't slaves. This is their business and livelihood. Not the same at all.

Wondergirl I agree, but if you had someone pretending to be a slave, as their livelihood. Would people hiring them be considered racist?

Strippers are people who deserve respect, they have a tough and often dangerous job. I hope the women they hired was doing it our of choice because she liked her job.

Wondergirl I agree, but if you had someone pretending to be a slave, as their livelihood. Would people hiring them be considered racist?
No.

Strippers are people who deserve respect, they have a tough and often dangerous job. I hope the women they hired was doing it our of choice because she liked her job.
You are obsessing over this. Not good for your own mental and physical health and for your marriage. Do you plan to resurrect this topic every time the two of you have an argument?

I think you behaved childishly. Your husband and his friends are grown men. What right would you have had to chastise them like little boys?
You ruined the wedding for your husband and his family and probably embarrassed him.
You chose to marry him any way so get over it!
I hope you don't plan on running your marriage this way, treating your husband like a child.

Smoothy:

No tux hire (no tuxes here at all!), I was paying for anything they needed. Here it is the custom to supply everything for the groomsmen and bridesmaids so that they are not out of pocket.

I told them we didn't have to talk about it and that I didn't want to either. I'm glad they bailed though.

I really do appreciate the comments, it is easier over a computer.

Here is another perspective:

If you paid someone of a different ethnicity to yourself which has a history of oppression by your own ethnicity to pretend to be a slave for a party would this be alright?

You got to put them in chains, they were partially clothed, they act out stereotypes, they had to refer to you as master, you could use them as a foot stool ect. Would that make you a racist? Or is it just a laugh?

Isn't that what stripping is, but with gender instead of ethnicity?
That is a ridiculous analogy. These woman are paid to do this, it is their job and many of them love what they do.
What right do you have to dictate what kind of party your husband's friends want to give him? Do you run everything in his life?

Smoothy:

No tux hire (no tuxes here at all!), I was paying for anything they needed. Here it is the custom to supply everything for the groomsmen and bridesmaids so that they are not out of pocket.

I told them we didn't have to talk about it and that I didn't want to either. I'm glad they bailed though.

I really do appreciate the comments, it is easier over a computer.

What country are we talking about anyway. I do spend enough time in another country other than my home that I actually do have people that have been some of my closest friends for 25 years there ai speak with regularly. And I have a apartment and maintain several vehicles there.

So I do have more than the perspective of a single culture behind my line of thought.

I really, really want to get over it. How?

I am obsessing, I am obsessive...

I don't want it to ruin my marriage, we've had over 7 wonderful years together. We very rarely argue, we talk a lot and we are both avoiders (which we are both working on).

I don't want to be this person.

He acted so out of character that it truly shocked me (I'm sheltered) and made me wonder who was I marrying.

I think it would have embarrassed everyone more if I had burst out crying at the sight of the best men (my fear).

This happened ONCE. If he did this every weekend and twice on Christmas Day, I'd be worried. But ONCE, only ONCE! And you are perfect?

What right do you have to dictate what kind of party your husband's friends want to give him? Do you run everything in his life?

Yay just worked out how to reply :)

I can't dictate his parties but I thought it was usual to expect fidelity on ones life partner providing an open relationship had not been previously arranged.

He actually runs most of my life!

He wasn't unfaithful.

What country was this in... it helps if we know that so we know the culture you are both from.

So I do have more than the perspective of a single culture behind my line of thought.

I don't doubt you do :) I don't want to say because its too small and people will work out who I am. Maybe you were right about the paranoia... :P

You have a dinner party and invite your husband's friends and apologize to them and your husband. Tell them you overreacted and you're sorry, then you let it go.

I don't doubt you do :) I don't want to say because its too small and people will work out who I am. Maybe you were right about the paranoia... :P
You can't even name the country?

I agree with Wondergirl... seeing a stripper isn't any less faithful than that if he hugged your sister or gave her a playful slap on the butt.

And I've done worse than that with my wife and mother-in-law there in the same room talking with me at the time.


No country is that small... someone can "work it out".

A few Principalities in Europe maybe... Monaco, Vatican City, Nauru, Tuvalu or San Marino

yay just worked out how to reply :)

I can't dictate his parties but I thought it was usual to expect fidelity on ones life partner providing an open relationship had not been previously arranged.

He actually runs most of my life!
He was not unfaithful. He was in a room full of people for goodness sakes! And to want to "speak with his friends before the wedding was way over the top. They are grown men not errant little boys.

I agree with Wondergirl...seeing a stripper isn't any less faithful than that if he hugged your sister or gave her a playful slap on the butt.


Seeing one no, licking her nipple though?

Would you lick your own sister's nipple? Or would that cross some sort of sexual line...

OK I'll stop being paranoid, it's Scotland hence no tux, it's kilts all the way.

He was not unfaithful. He was in a room full of people for goodness sakes! And to want to "speak with his friends before the wedding was way over the top. They are grown men not errant little boys.

I didn't wan tot speak to them I wanted to meet them to practice not crying. Talk about something completely different, the weather or something. Have a pint, not cry, calm down, go home.

It's funny you say they were grown men not errant little boys because my parents had the opposite argument! They are almost 30, I am with you on the grown men front.

He was in a room full of people, he may have had a drink too many, it was a bachelor party. Get over it!
Apologize to your husband and his friends so this is not hanging over your heads and move on.

You have a dinner party and invite your husband's friends and apologize to them and your husband. Tell them you overreacted and you're sorry, then you let it go.

I hope I'm answering these comments an approximate right order...

I don't think I can do that because I still don't believe I overreacted. I'd like to believe that, I think I would feel a lot better about it all if I did. It all still feels like a fresh wound to me.

I could fake it but I don't see how that would help. I also doubt they'd come.

I didn't wan tot speak to them I wanted to meet them to practice not crying. Talk about something completely different, the weather or something. Have a pint, not cry, calm down, go home.

It's funny you say they were grown men not errant little boys because my parents had the opposite argument! They are almost 30, I am with you on the grown men front.
That is just silly. Did they know you were upset? All you had to do was put your big girl panties on and get through the ceremony.
How old are you?

Well you did overreact to the point the guys did not even come to the wedding.
You say you want to get past this, act like a grown woman and do the right thing so you can move on.
You were wrong and you need to own it. At least apologize to your husband for acting so childish.

Seeing one no, licking her nipple though?

Would you lick your own sister's nipple? Or would that cross some sort of sexual line...

OK I'll stop being paranoid, it's Scotland hence no tux, it's kilts all the way.
I've bitten my sister-in-laws butts a few times, both of them... in front of my wife and mother-in-law... I've grabbed both of theirs... more than a few times... all in the spirit of jest... yes I am that close to my in-laws.

And we've openly had a few running jokes over the years I won't even post here...

26. Yes they knew I was upset, I let them know.

I tried letting it go when it happened but I couldn't sleep, I'd stay up all night chewing it over, I couldn't eat, I'd just chew and chew and couldn't swallow. I lost 4 kg in two weeks which doesn't sound much but put me pretty underweight.

At the time I was writing a PhD thesis, writing grants for my future position, applying for an interim job so we wouldn't starve between these two positions all whilst mourning my uncle who died a few month previously whose young children were my bridal party, and mourning the death of my coach. I suppose this was the straw that broke the camel's back hence the overreaction. But could anyone give me an ounce of space? No.

My one consistent thing (my husband) had suddenly acted so out of character I was completely thrown.

So I'd kind of used up all my big girl panties.

OK I'm crying now, I think I've worked out what my problem is. Displacement.

I've bitten my sister-in-laws butts a few times, both of them.....in front of my wife and mother-in-law....I've grabbed both of theirs....more than a few times....all in the spirit of jest.....yes I am that close to my in-laws.

And we've openly had a few running jokes over the years I won't even post here.....

That's very different to how my and my husbands family act with each other. I would be horrified if my father in law did that to me!

My husband went crazy once because FIL touched my thigh whilst returning a napkin to it. (I didn't say anything, I was going to ignore it and count it as an honest mistake). He almost stopped us visiting his parents who we visit every week.

My husband would not allow me to play strip poker with my female friends (a game we used to play when we were at high school) as he considered this cheating. I asked him first to see if it was OK and respected his decision when he said it wasn't.

Does this give you an idea of our relationship boundaries, and why I considered nipple lick too far?

Also for our strip poker we had a down to knickers only rule. The game was to see how many items you could get away with calling clothes, and the debates over this.

I've bitten my sister-in-laws butts a few times, both of them.....in front of my wife and mother-in-law....I've grabbed both of theirs....more than a few times....all in the spirit of jest.....yes I am that close to my in-laws.

And we've openly had a few running jokes over the years I won't even post here.....
And the country/culture?

Isn't culture funny, one person's pious is the other person's perverted.




You were wrong and you need to own it. At least apologize to your husband for acting so childish.

I have apologised to him several times. He apologised to me as well.

I want to be wrong, I really do. But I am finding it hard to accept this. I want to accept your arguments, but in my heart I don't :(

Is there a way to re-program your brain? I supposed if that worked life would be easy!

Were there some Irish lads in that bachelor party group, especially among those who arranged it in the first place?

I'm feeling a bit better now. Everybody has different ideas about what is and isn't acceptable. I was shocked that my husbands wasn't the same as mine. But why should I be, he is his own distinct person. We are so close that it is easy to forget this, I know when he is hungry before he does! He knows when I'm about to get a migraine before I do!

I still think his best men are jerks. They put him in a position they knew I would disagree with, or at the very least didn't check, knowing full well he would be too shy to refuse. For an imported tradition. If you know me (they've had 7 years) it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to work out I wouldn't approve.

Also my husband had specified no strippers, he knew I didn't like the idea, we had spoken about it previously concern possible other stag nights that didn't end up having strippers anyway. But he was ignored, by his supposed best pals. They have always used him as the butt of everything, promised him birthday parties that didn't happen, left him out of stuff etc. I shouldn't have been surprised. I don't understand how such a nice person can have such horrible friends (insert come back about horrible wife here ;))

Were there some Irish lads in that bachelor party group, especially among those who arranged it in the first place?

Nope all scots, the irish laddie wasn't allowed out. All the sensible guys couldn't make it. I spoke to them afterward for a man's opinion, they agreed with me that it crossed a line and were glad they couldn't come. I have contrary friends, they would have said if they disagreed with me.

It sounds like your husband had to save face more than act out of personal enjoyment. I certainly wouldn't hold it against him.

It sounds like your husband had to save face more than act out of personal enjoyment. I certainly wouldn't hold it against him.

That's why I didn't in the end, everybody said it was so unlike him. But that is also why I'm so angry at the best men, who would do that to a friend? They found enjoyment in the abasement of others.

They've always been inconsiderate, playing music so loud until the police are called. Always putting their own entertainment above everyone else's comfort. Everything is just a laugh, dressing as a racist characature for a party (I think it is called black-face in the USA?), for a laugh. I'm feeling a bit stupid now, I should have seen this coming, but I always wanted to give them a chance, because my husband likes them.

When they were still coming, I said to my husband they can give a speech if you trust them not to mention this and pick on me in it (even if you think I behaved inappropriately I think I deserved a little respect on our wedding day). I said I'll trust them if you do. He cancelled their speech.

----

Edit

This is why I don't want to apologise to them and make them dinner. I think they are scum.

OK, I've read through this thread.

Your husband was put into a difficult position. I think he just went with the flow rather than cause a fuss. I think you way overreacted.

I think your husband's feelings about your playing strip poker with the girls is about as ridiculous as you thinking licking a stripper's nipple was cheating. Neither act is sexual and shouldn't be remotely considered cheating.

Right I'm off to bed, it's late here!

Thank you so much everyone, I really do appreciate it.

I think my conclusion I take from this is I overreacted and I should really be less obsessive (easier said than done). There is no way I'll apologise to the best men but I think for my sanity I'll go with: they acted like idiots and so did I, and better out of each other's lives.

Right, wrong, I don't know. I think that is all I have the energy for. You're all probably banging your heads against your computer screens going, "She learnt nothing!" Ach well...

Anyway It really was nice to chatting to you all. :)

I am completely exhausted just thinking about how much you inserted yourself into his life, and possibly he into yours (disapproving of girls' strip poker). I can't imagine a more depressing approach to relationships, like 2 strict schoolmasters pacing the aisles with a ruler.

Be thankful your husband didn't have sexual intercourse or oral sex with the stripper.This does happen sometimes at bachelor parties. You should just move on & congrads on your marriage.

I have a better idea now of why you were so upset, although I don't think your husband cheated, but his attitude about girls strip poker is rather prudish and hypocritical considering he didn't have the guts to say no to his friends.
Your husband should have been the one to say something to his friends for what they did but because he didn't have the nerve, it wasn't your place.
You forgave him, married him, now get over it. Don't even talk about it again.
I wish you well.

And the country/culture?

Theirs, Italian... Roman Catholic, very conservative actually. Me? Native born American, Conservative rural upbringing..

I think she extremely over reacted to the bachelor party. I think she should have just let it go. There are hard feelings between good friends that may never be healed. And hard feelings and feeligns of getting even that will soon ruin the relationship.

Just saying that you did him a favor basically for not leaving. Men have had these types of parties for as long as there has been men. This was not as bad as many.

I feel this relationship is truly doomed and can't believe during all of the years of dating, these sexual issues were not solved before.